Jackson, Mississippi – Last Valentine’s Day, we brought you the story of Steve Bearmiller, a local sad sack who claimed he had had enough of Valentine’s Day catering only to couples and had decided to hold his own Valentines party for only himself (though life kind of made that decision for him.) Now 43, Bearmiller, who can be seen in this photo looking longingly at the last valentines gift he receieved – in 1987. We entered the basement in which Bearmiller lives just as he was looking at this present and sobbing uncontrollably, though he claimed he just had something in his eye….for the next minutes. We asked Steve how had he been doing since last Valentine’s day, though as we noticed he was wearing the same stained gray wife beater and sweatpants he was wearing at this time last year, we just assumed we knew the answer already. He claimed he had been doing great in the last year, telling us he had gotten a few new games for each of his Playstation 3, Xbox, Nintendo Wii, Nintendo 64, and Super Nintendo, some new CDs, and that later today he would be pleading with his sister to buy him the newly released “Perks of Being a Wallflower” DVD when she goes out, because he does not….ever. In fact, Bearmiller told us he has not left the house since last Valentine’s day. “So it’s safe to assume you haven’t been on any dates?” we then asked him. He replied, “Well, I was talking to a couple of girls online, but they couldn’t handle my spirit.” Turns out that “spirit” he spoke of led him to being permanently banned from the dating websites eHarmony, Zoosk, and Match.com, as well as receiving a 6 month ban from Facebook. It is believed that he is the first person to receieve a ban from so many websites at once. Bearmiller, however, says he is ok with it because he plans to start his own dating website called IlltakewhatIcanget.com. “But first, the party!” he exclaimed as he pointed to the table in the corner of his virgin lair, a table containing numerous finger sandwiches, chips, dips, cupcakes, cookies, popcorn, and two cases of soda. We were excited for him at first, as it was clear that with the amount of food he had, that he must be expecting a large gathering of friends or perhaps family, prompting us to ask how many people were coming. Our excitement turned to sadness as he responded “Just me guys. It’s going to epic!” Our feelings then became an odd mixture of sadness and fear as we noticed that on the table, beside the multiple snacks, were a stack Valentine’s day cards featuring WWE wrestlers that he had written to himself with messages of “Best friend ever,” “Stay cool,” and “You’re gonna make it one day. Just you wait! 43 is the new 20″ (last year, he wrote “42 is the new 20″ on his own homemade valentines to himself.) We then hurried up the stairs away from his basement and left Steve Bearmiller to his big day, a day filled with eating nine pounds of food, watching old episodes of Doctor Who and Firefly, and taking the more than occasional break to masterbate.

Washington, D.C. – With thousands on hand for the presidential inauguration this morning, vice president Joe Biden took the time to announce that he plans to begin a new career in professional wrestling. Biden began his speech this morning just like anyone would expect, praising President Obama for being a good man, talking about how much he has accomplished the last four years, how much he will accomplish in the next four years, and various other lies like that. Things then took an unexpected turn when he stated “However, the next four years for me will feature spandex tights, blood, and powerbombs, as I will be beginning my career as a professional wrestler.” Biden then explained how he came about the decision to embark upon such a career change, saying “It’s clear to everyone that I’m just a loose cannon. Another thing that may not be clear to everyone is that I love busting skulls and have long had a thurst for destruction, so much so that just the though of it gives me a murder boner.” Biden then informed the crowd that he will now be referred to by his new wrestling name, Joe “The Joe” Biden as he has signed a contract with the WWE. He then took the microphone from the podium and issued a challenge to the Undertaker. Apparently, Biden’s new character will stay politically themed as he rambled on about how he was “tired of seeing innocent children killed, sent to the undertaker instead of living their dreams” and that “two things are going to stop that from happening: gun control and me whipping your ass and ending your undefeated streak at Wrestlemania!” He then ripped off his suit to reveal a t shirt that said BIDEN 3:16 and screamed “Undertaker, your days are numbered, and “The Joe” means numbered!” Biden then stated he would be at WWE Monday Night Raw tonight and would be “giving everyone a message of what’s to come by whipping CM Punk’s damn ass.” We contacted WWE officials, who informed us that there have been absolutely no discussions involving the vice president, Undertaker, or CM Punk. The company’s owner, Vince McMahon even told us “Jesus Christ, I’ve never even talked to this guy.”

Pearl, Mississippi - Pearl resident Chris Beam is suing Jackson resident Jeremiah Lipking over a living room wrestling match that went horribly wrong twelve years ago. In April of 2000, Beam (17 at the time) and Lipking (then 20) both attended a Wrestlemania party at a friend’s house. As the night progressed, both men became increasingly hopped up on Sam’s Choice cola and salty snacks. By the end of the pay per view main event, they had whipped themselves into the kind of frenzy that only a living room wrestling match could calm. Everything was going just fine as the two men staged their pretend match, both pretending to execute moves made famous by their favorite wrestlers at the time, such as The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Triple H. Tragedy then struck as Lipking delievered an all too real Pedigree, a move used by wreslter Triple H where one man puts his opponent’s head between his legs, jumps, and and falls to his knees, sending the other’s face into the floor. Others in attendance were stunned that Lipking had taken it to such lengths. Lipking apologized immediately as Beam, more shocked than anything, said he was ok. Fast forward almost 12 years to the day, as another Wrestlemania rolls around, Beam is now suing Lipking over that very move. “That day still haunts me,” says Beam. He continued, “I was just playing around and next thing I know, I’m having my face planted in my bro’s living room floor by a foul pedigree! It wasn’t right then and it’s not right now.” When reached for comment, Lipking simply stated that “Look, it was an accident. Obviously, at that time in my life, I was not all about cashing checks and snapping necks like I am now.” Both men have since retired from the world of living room wrestling but Beam says that he would be willing to come out of retirement for one night only if it meant settling the score with Lipking.