Jackson, Mississippi – Tensions between the United States and South Korea are at an all time high today, though not for the reasons one may think. Typically, situations like this arise between two countries due to religion, politics, etc. In this case, however, it is all because of one Mississippi man and his incredibly inappropriate pick-up line he used with a girl recently. Jackson resident, Benjamin Douglas, reportedly approached Seohee Song, a South Korean native who attends a local college in Jackson, after seeing her on a newscast the night before, in which she was speaking of the current situation involving her parents back home and their fear of recent threats made by neighboring North Korea. Douglas reportedly located her at a bar the next night, approached her, and asked “Are you constipated?” before immediately adding “Because I want to fuck the shit out of you.” Song was understandably upset and confused. Afterward, her feelings turned to anger as she was repeating the story to friends and family back home via a Facetime conversation. Enraged, her family then told South Korean authorities, who then contacted the White House. Word then reached President Barack Obama, who immediately went on record as saying that “The words spoken by Douglas to Song have been seen as a verbal assault from our country to hers” and that he “Could not even fathom how someone could use such a pick-up line.” He then paused before saying “But what else would I expect from someone from Mississippi?” It is unknown at this time exactly how Obama is planning to deal with Douglas, but the president could later be seen very clearly mouthing the words “Guantanamo” and “water boarding” to a secret service agent.

New Orleans, Louisiana – Over the weekend, portions of an interview with President Obama in which he spoke on safety in football were released. In the article, he admits that if he had a son, it would be a touch decision to let him play football.”I’m a big football fan, but I have to tell you if I had a son, I’d have to think long and hard before I let him play football,” said the president. He then went on to speak on the changes he sees coming for football at all age levels, changes he thinks will make the game safer.“In some cases, that may make it a little bit less exciting, but it will be a whole lot better for the players, and those of us who are fans maybe won’t have to examine our consciences quite as much” he said about those possible changes. ESPN quickly picked up on these statements and have been showing them at least once an hour every hour for the past two days, as ESPN does every fucking story they cover. Obama’s comments and the amount of coverage they have received will certainly satisfy those of us who often find themselves watching a football game and thinking “You know, I can’t help but thinking if President Obama thinks these players are safe enough!” It’s a typical scenario almost every week of the season – you’re watching a game, a big play happens, and you begin to wonder what the President of the United States has to say about how safe these players are. By the time you get done checking his Twitter, searching on Google, and scouring the official White House website, you have missed the entire third quarter. Certainly, thanks should be in order for the interviewer who asked his opinion on this matter that in no way affects him. ESPN should certainly be thanked, as they often provide us with answers to burning questions like this when they show things like what basketball player LeBron James thinks about a South Carolina football game or what rapper Jay Z has to say about a Los Angeles Lakers game. Perhaps the biggest thank you of all should be for Obama himself for speaking the words “Those of us who are fans maybe won’t have to examine our consciences quite as much” and for the endless laughter this comment provides, as if any time there is an injury during a game, anyone “examines their conscience.”

Washington, D.C. – With thousands on hand for the presidential inauguration this morning, vice president Joe Biden took the time to announce that he plans to begin a new career in professional wrestling. Biden began his speech this morning just like anyone would expect, praising President Obama for being a good man, talking about how much he has accomplished the last four years, how much he will accomplish in the next four years, and various other lies like that. Things then took an unexpected turn when he stated “However, the next four years for me will feature spandex tights, blood, and powerbombs, as I will be beginning my career as a professional wrestler.” Biden then explained how he came about the decision to embark upon such a career change, saying “It’s clear to everyone that I’m just a loose cannon. Another thing that may not be clear to everyone is that I love busting skulls and have long had a thurst for destruction, so much so that just the though of it gives me a murder boner.” Biden then informed the crowd that he will now be referred to by his new wrestling name, Joe “The Joe” Biden as he has signed a contract with the WWE. He then took the microphone from the podium and issued a challenge to the Undertaker. Apparently, Biden’s new character will stay politically themed as he rambled on about how he was “tired of seeing innocent children killed, sent to the undertaker instead of living their dreams” and that “two things are going to stop that from happening: gun control and me whipping your ass and ending your undefeated streak at Wrestlemania!” He then ripped off his suit to reveal a t shirt that said BIDEN 3:16 and screamed “Undertaker, your days are numbered, and “The Joe” means numbered!” Biden then stated he would be at WWE Monday Night Raw tonight and would be “giving everyone a message of what’s to come by whipping CM Punk’s damn ass.” We contacted WWE officials, who informed us that there have been absolutely no discussions involving the vice president, Undertaker, or CM Punk. The company’s owner, Vince McMahon even told us “Jesus Christ, I’ve never even talked to this guy.”

Washington, D.C. - Earlier this morning, president Obama held a press conference to address proposed executive orders and legislation on guns. After he was done speaking and hugging children he cares nothing about, he signed the 23 executive orders. Immediately after he did so, the uproar began from rednecks everywhere who cannot bear the thought of not being able to purchase high powered firearms capable of blowing a hole through something. And why shouldn’t they be angry? It’s certainly not Obama’s business why a regular person would need such a powerful weapon. Though most of the 23 orders pertained to background checks and mental health issues, they did include proposals to reinstate and strengthen the assault weapons ban and place a 10 round limit on ammunition magazines. Only 10 rounds?! What kind of bullshit is this? What if you need to shoot something A LOT? Then what? Officials from certain states such as Mississippi and Oregon immediately sent letters urging local lawmakers to pass legislation that would make such orders from the president illegal to enforce in their states. However, a compromise is expected to be reached, as Mississippi governor Phil Bryant has since stated that he would accept orders such as the one that would ensure health insurance plans pay for mental health benefits, as long as those same plans pay for dipping tobacco.

Washington, D.C. - We saw heavy voter turnout around the country yesterday and voters chose who would win the battle between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. In the end, Barack Obama emerged as the winner and still the leader of the United States for the next four years. The decision is the voice of America, and that voice has said “look, we know this movie is shitty, but we’re so far into it, why don’t we just stay and see what happens?” When faced with the question to either stick around and see how it ends or walk out, voters answered that question with an enthusiastic “Eh, whatever.” Voters were pretty much in agreement that so far, the plot lines of high gas prices, shitty economy, high unemployment, and more, had been terrible and the president, I mean actors were atrocious, but they had become so curious as to how it would all end. After it was all over, America spoke and said that “basically, we looked at each other and said look, we know our country, I mean this movie, is pretty god damn terrible right now and this president, shit I mean actor, has done absolutely nothing, but we’ve already been here for so long, let’s just see where this goes.”

Washington, D.C. - Election day is finally here and in the next 12 hours or so, we should know who our president is – Barack Obama or Mitt Romney. Whoever wins, that unfortunately means one person loses and will probably have some hurt feelings. Many people are voicing their concern that they hate to see anyone upset, and have been wondering aloud if they could just vote for both Obama AND Romney. Many are even asking if they can vote for the independent candidate as well. We don’t know his name exactly, but we don’t really memorize names of people who don’t stand a chance at all. However, even though what’s his face doesn’t matter, some don’t want his feelings to be hurt either and are wondering if they can cast a third vote for president. Official word is that if one person does indeed cast a ballot for more than one person, their ballot will not be counted. We are constantly told how important it is to vote and that soldiers lose their lives every day protecting our freedom to do so. While this is absolutely the truth and we support and appreciate everything those soldiers do, we must ask why it is that they only fight for the freedom to vote for one person at a time? They are risking their lives out there so the government can tell us we get ONE vote?! As unfair as that may seem, those are the rules. So when casting your vote today, remember to only vote for ONE candidate. And just know that someone is going to have their feelings hurt when this election is over. Real sensitive, U.S. government!

Washington, D.C. - With less than 24 hours until election day, many last minute polls are showing a dramatic jump in numbers for Dave Mustaine. Mustaine, the lead singer of Megadeth has been a wild card throughout this race, but seems to have been gaining plenty of ground just in the last 72 hours. Many people seemingly were unaware that Mustaine has even been running for president, though he announced his candidacy back in March. However, many thought he was simply joking when he made the announcement, saying that he would be running as “an ambassador of heavy metal and happiness.” And though Mustaine is a man of few words (most of his campaign speeches so far have simply been 32 minute heavy metal guitar riffs and solos), he had plenty to say at a stop in Seattle this past Saturday. During the speech, he told supporters to compare what each presidential candidate has done for America, saying that “Romney is offering a 5 point plan, Obama has clearly offered nothing in the last 4 years, me? Well, I gave you “Symphony of Destruction” You’re welcome, America!” He closed the event by asking “Do you want the Democratic choice who has done nothing in the last 4 years, the Republican choice who will probably do nothing in the next 4 years, or the right choice who has done hundreds of chicks? The choice seems simple! Thank you, motherfuckers!” It should be noted that he screamed “motherfuckers” in a long, drawn out, high pitched scream as a huge American flag with a  30 foot tall baphomet in the middle lowered behind him

Danville, Kentucky - As tonight’s vice presidential debate draws closer, each candidate appears to be taking a different strategy. While Vice President Joe Biden plans to challenge republican challenger Paul Ryan on what many democrats consider “half truths” that Mitt Romney spoke at the last debate, Ryan will reportedly attempt to steer the debate more towards  abdominal workouts if he finds himself in a jam. For example, if Joe Biden corners him with a question about healthcare, Ryan will most likely lift the left side of his shirt and say “Do these obliques look like I’m worried about healthcare? You know what my healthcare is? Side bends! 10 sets of 15!” But the Ryan arsenal is not limited simply to obliques. It is fully expected that Ryan will counter any arguments over budget cuts or domestic policy by simply pointing to his lower abs and screaming “Medicine ball leg lifts superset with cable crunch!” The stakes are high tonight, especially for the domocratic party, as last week’s first presidential debate was seen largely as a failure by Barack Obama. However, the stakes are equally as high for the republican party tonight to keep that momentum going with a Ryan debate victory. You would not know that from looking at Ryan, however, who at press time, was on stage practicing for tonight’s debate – not by reading his speech, but by attempting to lift the podium onto his upper back and perform walking lunges across the stage.  When asked his final strategy for the evening’s debate, Ryan said he “planned to come out very aggressive, maybe start with curling the 35′s just for a good warm up, then work my way up to the 60′s. You think that pussy Biden could do that?!” he then asked. Ryan was then asked if he viewed the nation’s unemployment rate falling as a good sign for the Obama/Biden campaign, Ryan replied “The economy is still sluggish, ok? It needs to get into shape. Do you think that gray haired, pudgy bastard out there is a capable VP to do that? No! What this economy needs is LESS Biden and MORE weighted reverse crunches.” Secret Service then rushed all reporters out of the building as Ryan was preparing to “oil up” for the debate, which begins tonight at 9:00 eastern/8:00 central.

Charlotte, North Carolina - Fuck face hipsters everywhere have had a new topic to discuss as they gather in their coffee shops in the “arts disctrict” of towns everywhere. Mitt Romney stated last week that he would cut all federal funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, PBS, and NPR if elected president. These statements have left these artsy assholes more angry than if they lost their favorite pair of black thick rimmed glasses. Getting rid of such programs would reportedly save the government $2 billion a year, which quite honestly would not make much of a dent compared to what the country spends in other areas. However, two billion dollars is two billion dollars, and the only other way to save that kind of money is to place a tax on fedoras and skinny jeans, Romney warns. This issue will certainly be a hot issue heading into November…. Well, not among most people in the country, but among those who spend their time exclusively in historical arts districts talking about how “beautifully artistic” the latest Wes Anderson movie is. Before November, they much make a decision, however… Do you continue to model your life after doing and saying things simply because they are contrarian OR do you want the price of the fedoras and skinny jeans you love so much to skyrocket? Yet another issue in this all important election of 2012.

Washington, D.C. - On the one year anniversary of the killing of Osama Bin Laden, new information is coming to light. We now know that Bin Laden wanted to kill President Barack Obama. This information comes as a shock to many given the extreme hatred Bin Laden possessed for the United States, for the elimination of Obama would have greatly helped the nation. Bin Laden apparently wanted Obama dead because vice president Joe Biden would be “unprepared” to take over as President. Whether or not Biden would have been prepared, the important thing to focus on here is that Obama would not be President anymore. Bin Laden apparently planned to assassinate Obama by hijacking Air Force One (easy, assholes! Not so sure those fucking box cutters are going to scare people again!) In a letter to one of his top lieutenants, Bin Laden wrote “Obama is the head of infidelity and killing him automatically will make Biden take over the presidency. Biden is totally unprepared for that post, which will lead the U.S. into a crisis.” Whatever, all we heard was Obama would not be President anymore. Unfortunately, he is, as he travels to Afghanistan tonight to continue to issue a speech and likely continue to use the killing of Osama Bin Laden on his campaign trail as if he actually did anything himself. So as details of this planned assassination emerge, confusion continues to grow as to why Bin Laden would help out a nation he so passionately hated. We don’t know. All we could think about was that Obama would not be President anymore.