New Orleans, Louisiana - In our brand new category, Ridicularity Investigates, we will offer in depth investigations into some of the burning questions in today’s world. And by “burning questions”, we mean ridiculous questions that we wonder about and hopefully some of you do too. And by in “in depth” investigations, we mean absurd.
Our first topic: Why is Lil’ Wayne Alive?
No, seriously, we really want to know. We do not pose this as the ever philosophical question many of us ask “why are we alive?” We seriously need to know, you seriously need to know, why the shit is this man alive? What purpose does he serve? Why does he create such terrible noise pollution and why are people buying it? Just looking at Lil’ Wayne is an obvious enough reason to ask these questions. First, his ridiculous tattoos over his entire body, his mouth filled with jewelry, and his disgusting skinny frame make this question reasonable to ask. And if his assault on your eyes were not enough, there is the fact that he invades your ear space with one of the most annoying voices ever, sounding like an old man who has been smoking for 40 years. And if his full on raping of your eyes and ears weren’t enough, then there are the actual words he writes. Words that make you wonder why any human would write such ignorant words. The best example of these words has been offered in his latest single, a duet wtih Eminem called “No Love.” Moving past the fact that he sampled the 1993 Haddaway Song, “What Is Love?” best known for it’s spot in the Night At The Roxbury sketches from Saturday Night Live. In between samples of “What is Love?” are phrases spoken by Lil” Wayne that do not make sense, especially to be put together in a song. They seem to be just nonsensical phrases that happen to rhyme. Phrases such as “Fuck the world and get a child out her” and “Been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers.” Then there is the confession of sorts where he informs us that he is “married to the game but she broke her vows.” In what appears to be some life advice, he then tells us to “be good or be good at it.” I guess he’s trying to enrich our lives here by giving us some words to live by, it’s just too bad that those words make absolutely no sense, you mouth breathing dummy! He then further embarasses himself with lyrics like “I got the world stuck in a safe, the combination is the G-code.” We then become so astounded by words like “blood gang and I’m in bleed mode” that we become so confused and irritated by what we have just heard that we really begin asking the question that got us here….why is this person alive? After seeing him in magazines, watching his actions on television, and listening to his mind numbing lyrics, our investigation turned up no logical answer, no reasoning whatsoever, as to what puprose his existence serves.
So why is Lil’ Wayne alive? The conclusion is we don’t know, and we kind of wish he weren’t.