Jackson, Mississippi - Today marks the 11th anniversary of 9/11, a difficult day to look back on, though it is necessary to do so, so that we remember and honor those that lost their lives.

It is also a day we look back and remember when country music artists such as Alan Jackson and Toby Keith immediately capitalized on the country’s emotions at the time. Toby Keith, with “Courtesy Of The Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American) and Alan Jackson with “Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning).” Jackson was first to capitalize, focusing on a mixture of sadness and fear with his ballad. It was then Toby Keith’s turn when he chose to instead focus more on America’s patriotism and anger with his more up tempo song. Keith even took it a step further with his song by including the lyrics “We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the American way.” This was a significant move by Keith, knowing that the majority of his fans were rednecks who have more patriotism in them than they do teeth and whose battle cry at the time , “These colors don’t run!” was heard even more than their usual battle cry of “Play some Skynyrd!” However, he also knew that given the anger felt by all Americans over the attacks, that it wouldn’t just be rednecks who enjoyed this sentiment, but so many other Americans who had strong emotions that he could exploit. Both songs from Jackson and Keith reached number 1 on the country music charts and were top 30 hits on the Billboard charts.

So today, we remember that day in 2001. We remember the lives lost and the heroes made. We remember the wide range of emotions that we as Americans felt – sadness, fear, anger, helplessness, etc. And we remember when Toby Keith and Alan Jackson capitalized on them all

Washington, D.C. - On this day exactly one year ago, our country became a much safer place when Osama Bin Laden was killed. But new developments out of Washington now have us asking exactly how safe are we? News arrived early this morning that Osama Bin Laden’s brother, Doug Bin Laden, is indeed still alive. Many have forgotten about Doug, as he was younger, kept to himself mostly, and wasn’t quite as big of an asshole as his sibling Osama. Despite all of this, we must make no mistake about it… DBL is still extremely dangerous. Sources say he was an integral part of the 9/11 attacks, as his bombing of a Pizza Hut in Boston on 9/10 set the groundwork for the horrific events that followed. Doug, always the black sheep of the Bin Laden family, however, had forgot to set his watch to Eastern time and blew up the building an hour late, as they had already closed and no “evil Americans” were actually in the establishment. However, this may have been a very calculated move by the younger DBL, as the U.S. government has learned that Doug may very well have known of the Navy Seal raid of the Bin Laden compound and formulated a plan to escape beforehand. U.S. intel states that moments before Navy Seals entered the compound, the Bin Ladens were hosting a pool party and Doug told Osama that he was going upstairs with one of the women that the family had forced to attend and that he was going to “park his dong.” Exactly four minutes later, the compound was raided. Doug Bin Laden is said to be the only person who escaped. Now what are the odds of that? Here we are one year later and DBL is still at large. We have not heard his name mentioned yet, and let’s hope we never do. He may still only be concerned with “parking his dong” and nothing more, but we must remain guarded either way.

Washington, D.C. - The United States Marine Corp is under fire after a video has surfaced which shows Marines urinating on the dead bodies of Taliban militants in Afghanistan. The video has caused outrage among many politically correct assholes throughout the world, including U.S. defense secretary, Leon Panetta, who calls the actions in the video “utterly deplorable.” Of course it is deplorable! Look, just because a person wants nothing more than to kill you, your family, friends, and everyone in the United States, then actively tries to do so, does not mean you should be disrespectful! Afghan president Hamid Karzai, agrees, calling the video “shocking” and demanding that the U.S punish the Marines involved. Hopefully, U.S. officials will listen and respect the request of a man who is in charge of a country housing so many people who’s sole purpose in life is to kill Americans. It appears they will do just that, as the aforementioned pussy Leon Panetta is quoted as saying “This conduct is entirely inappropriate for members of the United States military and does not reflect the standards or values our armed forces are sworn to uphold. Those found to have engaged in such conduct will be held accountable to the fullest extent.” Senator John McCain weighed in on “CBS This Morning,” saying that the video is “a handful of undisciplined young people, of the 100-some-thousand Marines we have. It makes me so sad.” One can only wonder if it makes him quite as sad as being a complete failure in the 2008 presidential race. It should, however, be noted that MCain most likely would not have been as big a failure as the embarrassing Barack Obama. A full investigation will soon be launched into the video to determine where and when it was filmed. So let this serve as a valuable lesson to us all, especially those in the military: Just because a person or in this case, a group of people, are responsible for the biggest terrorist attack in American history and have killed thousands and now wish to kill you, your family, friends, and everyone else in the United States simply for having a different belief, is absolutely no reason to be disrespectful. Be nice!

Sirte, Libya - Moammar Ghadafi’s death today brings with it speculation on who exactly killed the man who ruled Libya for 42 years. Many are saying it was rebels who rose up against him and shot him upon his capture, others say it was an accidental crossfire between those rebels and his supporters, yet others still report that it was a US drone that struck a vehicle that he was in. An even bigger question remains, however – Just how in the fuck are we supposed to spell this guy’s name?! We have watched for months now as seemingly every major news outlet features a different spelling of this guy’s name. For example, Fox News spells it QADDAFI, while CNN displays GADHAFI, and MSNBC comes in with KHADDAFY. How does this happen? How does one man’s name have so many spellings?! Maybe that’s what happens when you are such a crazy asshole as he was. Whatever the reason is for his 16 different name spellings, the fact is that he is dead, which is a good thing. But I don’t care how he died, I don’t care who he was killed by, and I don’t care who will replace him. All I care about is getting oil from Libya cheaper so we don’t have to pay 8 dollars a gallon and finding a common ground on HOW TO SPELL THIS ASSHOLE’S NAME! I don’t think either of these things is asking too much!

Palo Alto, California – As if the United States was not already facing enough problems, a new one has presented itself seemingly out of nowhere. For a country already facing a poor economy, high unemployment rates, a weak housing market, rising gas prices, and an generally everything else that can ever go wrong with a country, comes a new crisis that could have dire consequences: The new layout of Facebook. It is a problem that has millions of American citizens in a panic. The worst part is this latest crisis was not a slow building one like the economy. This new layout came crashing down on us seemingly all at once. There actually was warning of this move, but it was merely days ahead of time, and even after reading it, no one could have predicted the possibly catastrophic impact it would have on our great nation. Users now have to click on an extra tab to update their status, the way you view friends’s status is slightly modified, lists have appeared to where users can add people depending on if they live in the same hometown or attended the same high school, etc. How dare the people at Facebook do this! What gives them the right to make these minor changes to a service that is offered free to the public?! Should we as Americans be forced to put up with such extremely minor inconveniences?! You can bet that all of these questions will be asked of all the upcoming presidential candidates and with election season rapidly approaching, they better be prepared with some serious solutions. Rumors are that Texas governor, Rick Perry, has already drawn up a 32 step plan to reduce this new Facebook layout by 40 percent in the next 7 years. President Barack Obama has called a special news conference for tomorrow night where he will address the nation and reveal his plan of attack against this potentially crippling new problem that America faces. So far it appears that it is a problem that most Americans, be it rich, poor, Republican, or Democrat, are united about. For once, there are no politics or religion involved in this one. There are no concerns of the aforementioned poor economy, high unemployment rates, weak housing market, rising gas prices, and issues of parents struggling to provide for their children. This is about something much more than all of that! This is about Facebook moderately changing something and forcing us to take up to 6 minutes to get used to it! America appears to be standing up together, as one, and proudly showing that if you mess with one of our Facebook layouts, then you mess with all of our Facebook layouts! The United States may be down lately, but we are definitely not out. When we have a message, it will still be heard clearly by the rest of the world, and that message is that we have sacrificed enough and that we may be poor, we may be starving, we may not be able to afford gas, clothing, or mortgages, but when it comes to our Facebook layout, we will NOT sacrifice that!

Cupertino, California - Apple officially has more money that the United States federal government, so says a report that surfaced earlier today. The report stated that while the treasury department has $73.7 billion in reserve cash, the computer company has $76.4 billion. After this information went public, Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, held a press conference to announce that he will be running for president in 2012. Below is a transcript of the press conference:

“Hello everybody. The first thing I would like to do today is to invite President Barack Obama to suck it! I say that with no due respect whatsoever. I invented the iPhone, bitch! What have you invented? My company has more money that the entire country? How does that taste? Look, I roll out the same product year after year and tell people it’s new each time, and do you know what happens? They buy the hell out of it! Hell, I’ve come out with 27 different versions of the iPod…they all pretty much do the same thing! You’ve gotta ask yourself who would make a better president… a guy who invented the iPhone…or a guy who did not? I invented the iPhone! America needs someone who knows how to save this country money. I am that man. Hell, I only own one outfit – a pair of jeans and a black turtleneck. I just wear them all the time. Boom! Tons of savings! And guess what else…I invented the iPad. Heard of it? Now, I dont mean to just keep mentioning great things that I’ve invented, which, I’m not sure if I told you, but I invtented the iPhone….I mean, come on! The iPhone?! Forget about it! Our last presidential election, we were fooled by promises of “yes we can.” Now, I can respect the message that we, as Americans, can do many things, because as they say, there’s no I in team. And that’s what we are, America, one big team. But you know what does have an i? iPhone! I invented it!!! So, I, Steve Jobs, remind you that the days of “yes we can” are over. As we now move toward the elction, remember the official slogan of the Steve Jobs campaign: iGot This! Thank you everybody. iLove you all!”

Huntsville, Texas – 38 year old, Humberto Leal Garcia, was put to death by lethal injection yesterday after he raped and murdered a 16 year old girl in 1994. The Obama administration had made an urgent appeal to stop the execution earlier, but the Supreme Court rejected it with a 5-4 decision. The appeal was made by Obama’s administration because the Mexican consulate had apparently not been notified at the time of Garcia’s arrest and trial, which they say violates the Vienna convention. Lawyers for the Obama administration argued that if the execution was carried out, it could have “serious repercussions” on future relations between the U.S. and Mexico. After all, people who rape and murder 16 year old girls deserve rights. They deserve to be fought for. And we sure as hell wouldn’t want to offend anyone by sentencing a grown man who RAPED A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL and then killed her. Silly America for thinking that people like that should be punished! What were we thinking?! Good thing we have a president who’s administration is willing to stand up and fight for people who are only demonstrating their rights to rape and murder. But someone forgot to inform the consulate of Mexico that someone from his country had committed these crimes. If only he had been informed, maybe this poor man who savagely RAPED AND MURDERED A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL could have been spared, if only for a little bit longer. Sorry for that one, Mexico! Our bad! But hey, just know that the president of the United States, Barack Obama, supports you and agrees that this man who, in case you forgot, RAPED AND MURDERED A FUCKING 16 YEAR OLD GIRL, should not have been executed. On behalf of the Supreme Court, we apologize to you, Obama, for being so short sighted in thinking that rape and murder deserves to be punished. We also owe an apology to Mexico. How dare we not consult with you before we bring a man to justice who committed such a crime in our country! Barack Obama promises that wont happen again, Mexico. And to prove he’s serious, he has put the United States in a 20 minute timeout.

Dresden, Germany – The United States women’s soccer team is set to kick off their first game in the 2011 women’s world cup today against North Korea. It will begin their futile effort to show that their version of the world cup is as popular or as good as the men’s version, which gained some of the sport’s highest ratings ever just last summer. The games will be broadcast on ESPN and will serve to remind us all that women are better than men at some things – such as giving birth, cleaning, and cooking a delicious meat loaf dinner, but definitely not soccer.

UPDATE:

Jackson, Mississippi - Just last month, we brought you news of a terrible disease that seems to be sweeping across the nation where people appear to become EXTREMELY fatigued in the middle of certain words. People have become so winded when saying these simple words, that they just stop talking suddenly half way through. Prob, def, whatever, and preesh were the most glaring examples we told you of. We are sad to report that since our original story ran on May 4th, the disease has shown no signs of slowing down and appears to be growing. Just this morning, one woman in Michigan was actually spotted at a restaurant telling a waiter that her meal was “delish.” We assume she was attempting to say the word delicious, when she was momentarily stricken with this disease. Scientists and doctors are reportedly still working hard to find the root of this epidemic, but a cure has yet to be found. So please, remember all of the warning signs and symptons we told you about in our original article – which can be found below – and now a new word must be added to the list. Please, if you hear anyone speak any of these words, help them immediately. They may continue to sound like complete brain dead morons, but that may not be the case. This could be a nervous system disorder, a virus, or they may not even be human beings, saying words like “delish.” Only time will tell, as we continue to hope for a solution to this epidemic.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE POSTED MAY 04, 2011:

There appears to be a disease sweeping across America and is, for the most part, going unchecked. The disease seems to be found mostly in women age 14-26, although there have been a few male cases reported so far. The main sympton so far appears to be one becoming extremely fatigued in the middle of saying certain words. So fatigued, in fact, that they cannot seem to finish those words. Here are a few examples:

“Prob” instead of probably

“Def” in the place of definitely

“Whatev” instead of whatever

“Preesh” instead of appreciate

And perhaps the most alarming example came just recently when one Mississippi woman was actually heard saying that something was “presh” instead of being able to say the full word, precious. Doctors are reportedly baffled by this epidemic and are saying that until more research is done, the best way to handle this situation is that if you experience someone saying these words, make sure they are ok by asking questions like “Oh, was the full word too much for you?” or “Did you run out of breath in the middle of that word?” Your first reaction when you hear someone speak these half words is to laugh at them or maybe roll your eyes and dismiss them as dumb. But medical professionals are warning that that may be the worst way to handle this situation, saying that this could potentially be something serious involving their cardiovascular system if they are getting winded after only one half of a word. Several English teachers have even commented on the topic, saying they are just as dumbfounded. One such teacher we spoke with said “it’s tough, ya know? I spend my life teaching people correct spelling, grammar, and how to form sentences, then you hear these girls say things like “prob” and “presh”, it just breaks my heart. But then I think maybe it has something to do wtih their bodies, because after all, they are getting winded after only finishing half of a word. It’s just frustrating, you know?” Chances are many of us can agree with her frustrations, because we most likely know at least one person who has been afflicted with this disease. Perhaps it’s a friend, or neighbor, or a friend’s wife. Whatever the case may be, next time you hear them utter such words as “def” and “preesh”, don’t dismiss them as simply being complete morons who for some reason think it sounds cool to abbreviate their words. Ask them if they are ok, and pray that we may one day find the cure.

Jackson, Mississippi - There appears to be a disease sweeping across America and is, for the most part, going unchecked. The disease seems to be found mostly in women age 14-26, although there have been a few male cases reported so far. The main sympton so far appears to be one becoming extremely fatigued in the middle of saying certain words. So fatigued, in fact, that they cannot seem to finish those words. Here are a few examples:

“Prob” instead of probably

“Def” in the place of definitely

“Whatev” instead of whatever

“Preesh” instead of appreciate

And perhaps the most alarming example came just recently when one Mississippi woman was actually heard saying that something was “presh” instead of being able to say the full word, precious. Doctors are reportedly baffled by this epidemic and are saying that until more research is done, the best way to handle this situation is that if you experience someone saying these words, make sure they are ok by asking questions like “Oh, was the full word too much for you?” or “Did you run out of breath in the middle of that word?” Your first reaction when you hear someone speak these half words is to laugh at them or maybe roll your eyes and dismiss them as dumb. But medical professionals are warning that that may be the worst way to handle this situation, saying that this could potentially be something serious involving their cardiovascular system if they are getting winded after only one half of a word. Several English teachers have even commented on the topic, saying they are just as dumbfounded. One such teacher we spoke with said “it’s tough, ya know? I spend my life teaching people correct spelling, grammar, and how to form sentences, then you hear these girls say things like “prob” and “presh”, it just breaks my heart. But then I think maybe it has something to do wtih their bodies, because after all, they are getting winded after only finishing half of a word. It’s just frustrating, you know?” Chances are many of us can agree with her frustrations, because we most likely know at least one person who has been afflicted with this disease. Perhaps it’s a friend, or neighbor, or a friend’s wife. Whatever the case may be, next time you hear them utter such words as “def” and “preesh”, don’t dismiss them as simply being complete morons who for some reason think it sounds cool to abbreviate their words. Ask them if they are ok, and pray that we may one day find the cure.