Posted on 10 April 2013 by bmar1127
Jackson, Mississippi – Tensions between the United States and South Korea are at an all time high today, though not for the reasons one may think. Typically, situations like this arise between two countries due to religion, politics, etc. In this case, however, it is all because of one Mississippi man and his incredibly inappropriate pick-up line he used with a girl recently. Jackson resident, Benjamin Douglas, reportedly approached Seohee Song, a South Korean native who attends a local college in Jackson, after seeing her on a newscast the night before, in which she was speaking of the current situation involving her parents back home and their fear of recent threats made by neighboring North Korea. Douglas reportedly located her at a bar the next night, approached her, and asked “Are you constipated?” before immediately adding “Because I want to fuck the shit out of you.” Song was understandably upset and confused. Afterward, her feelings turned to anger as she was repeating the story to friends and family back home via a Facetime conversation. Enraged, her family then told South Korean authorities, who then contacted the White House. Word then reached President Barack Obama, who immediately went on record as saying that “The words spoken by Douglas to Song have been seen as a verbal assault from our country to hers” and that he “Could not even fathom how someone could use such a pick-up line.” He then paused before saying “But what else would I expect from someone from Mississippi?” It is unknown at this time exactly how Obama is planning to deal with Douglas, but the president could later be seen very clearly mouthing the words “Guantanamo” and “water boarding” to a secret service agent.
Posted on 24 January 2013 by bmar1127
Seoul, South Korea – North Korea proved Thursday that just because former leader and crazy asshole, Kim Jong-il is gone, does not mean that they are no longer crazy as shit. The country has made it known that it plans to carry out a new nuclear test and more long-range rocket launches, which it said would be part of a new phase of confrontation with the United States. The news comes just two days after the United Nations Security Council condemned a recent rocket launch by the country and expanded sanctions against them. The North Korea defense commission said they reject the U.N. sanctions, and would proceed with “upcoming all-out action that would target the United States, the sworn enemy of the Korean people.” President Barack Obama has yet to respond to these latest threats against America, but did not seem alarmed when told of this news. That is most likely because he, like the rest of us, know that this is Norh fucking Korea we are talking about. How many failed rocket launches are these assholes going to make before they realize “hey, maybe this isn’t for us?!” North Korean officials must also take into account that they are like the unpopular, not very liked, nerds in school. If these threats are taken too far, the United States (the popular, football player, prom king, douchebag kids) woud likely be joined by many other countries (the underclassman just trying to fit in) and North Korea could find themselves getting fucked where they stand….hard! Though this scenario will likely never happen due to President Obama being such an apologetic pussy, Kim Jong un must tread lightly here. Otherwise, like high school, it’s going to be nerd bashing time.
Posted on 21 January 2013 by bmar1127
Washington, D.C. – With thousands on hand for the presidential inauguration this morning, vice president Joe Biden took the time to announce that he plans to begin a new career in professional wrestling. Biden began his speech this morning just like anyone would expect, praising President Obama for being a good man, talking about how much he has accomplished the last four years, how much he will accomplish in the next four years, and various other lies like that. Things then took an unexpected turn when he stated “However, the next four years for me will feature spandex tights, blood, and powerbombs, as I will be beginning my career as a professional wrestler.” Biden then explained how he came about the decision to embark upon such a career change, saying “It’s clear to everyone that I’m just a loose cannon. Another thing that may not be clear to everyone is that I love busting skulls and have long had a thurst for destruction, so much so that just the though of it gives me a murder boner.” Biden then informed the crowd that he will now be referred to by his new wrestling name, Joe “The Joe” Biden as he has signed a contract with the WWE. He then took the microphone from the podium and issued a challenge to the Undertaker. Apparently, Biden’s new character will stay politically themed as he rambled on about how he was “tired of seeing innocent children killed, sent to the undertaker instead of living their dreams” and that “two things are going to stop that from happening: gun control and me whipping your ass and ending your undefeated streak at Wrestlemania!” He then ripped off his suit to reveal a t shirt that said BIDEN 3:16 and screamed “Undertaker, your days are numbered, and “The Joe” means numbered!” Biden then stated he would be at WWE Monday Night Raw tonight and would be “giving everyone a message of what’s to come by whipping CM Punk’s damn ass.” We contacted WWE officials, who informed us that there have been absolutely no discussions involving the vice president, Undertaker, or CM Punk. The company’s owner, Vince McMahon even told us “Jesus Christ, I’ve never even talked to this guy.”
Posted on 16 January 2013 by bmar1127
Washington, D.C. - Earlier this morning, president Obama held a press conference to address proposed executive orders and legislation on guns. After he was done speaking and hugging children he cares nothing about, he signed the 23 executive orders. Immediately after he did so, the uproar began from rednecks everywhere who cannot bear the thought of not being able to purchase high powered firearms capable of blowing a hole through something. And why shouldn’t they be angry? It’s certainly not Obama’s business why a regular person would need such a powerful weapon. Though most of the 23 orders pertained to background checks and mental health issues, they did include proposals to reinstate and strengthen the assault weapons ban and place a 10 round limit on ammunition magazines. Only 10 rounds?! What kind of bullshit is this? What if you need to shoot something A LOT? Then what? Officials from certain states such as Mississippi and Oregon immediately sent letters urging local lawmakers to pass legislation that would make such orders from the president illegal to enforce in their states. However, a compromise is expected to be reached, as Mississippi governor Phil Bryant has since stated that he would accept orders such as the one that would ensure health insurance plans pay for mental health benefits, as long as those same plans pay for dipping tobacco.
Posted on 05 November 2012 by bmar1127
Washington, D.C. - With less than 24 hours until election day, many last minute polls are showing a dramatic jump in numbers for Dave Mustaine. Mustaine, the lead singer of Megadeth has been a wild card throughout this race, but seems to have been gaining plenty of ground just in the last 72 hours. Many people seemingly were unaware that Mustaine has even been running for president, though he announced his candidacy back in March. However, many thought he was simply joking when he made the announcement, saying that he would be running as “an ambassador of heavy metal and happiness.” And though Mustaine is a man of few words (most of his campaign speeches so far have simply been 32 minute heavy metal guitar riffs and solos), he had plenty to say at a stop in Seattle this past Saturday. During the speech, he told supporters to compare what each presidential candidate has done for America, saying that “Romney is offering a 5 point plan, Obama has clearly offered nothing in the last 4 years, me? Well, I gave you “Symphony of Destruction” You’re welcome, America!” He closed the event by asking “Do you want the Democratic choice who has done nothing in the last 4 years, the Republican choice who will probably do nothing in the next 4 years, or the right choice who has done hundreds of chicks? The choice seems simple! Thank you, motherfuckers!” It should be noted that he screamed “motherfuckers” in a long, drawn out, high pitched scream as a huge American flag with a 30 foot tall baphomet in the middle lowered behind him
Posted on 03 October 2012 by bmar1127
Denver, Colorado - With election day almost a month away and the first presidential debate upon us, neither Mitt Romney nor President Barack Obama seems to be addressing one of the country’s most critical issues – the lack of a Winona Ryder sex tape. Unemployment, the economy, the housing market, abortion, social security – all of these topics and more have been discussed by both candidates, yet not one word has been mentioned of this nation being deprived of seeing Winona Ryder engage in sexual intercourse. And perhaps even more insulting is the fact that most of these previously mentioned issues are relatively recent, with high unemployment and a poor economy becoming large issues just in the past 5 years or so. On the other hand, the United States has been not just wanting, but needing a sex tape of Winona Ryder since 1990 when she started coming into her own in the film Edward Scissorhands, though she really began looking right in Heathers two years prior (but she was only 17, so that’s neither here nor there.) When Reality Bites was released in 1994, America’s desire to see Winona Ryder in erotic action was firmly cemented. Here we are 18 years later, and that desire still exists. Perhaps between now and November 6, one of these men, be it President Obama or his challenger, Romney, will get in front of this issue and face it head on. Both mean speak of how the United States of America remains the greatest land of opportunity there is. However, as long as we remain starved of a video of actress Winona Ryder involved in hardcore and downright dangerous sexual acts, then how much opportunity truly still exists in this country?
Posted on 11 September 2012 by bmar1127
Jackson, Mississippi - Today marks the 11th anniversary of 9/11, a difficult day to look back on, though it is necessary to do so, so that we remember and honor those that lost their lives.
It is also a day we look back and remember when country music artists such as Alan Jackson and Toby Keith immediately capitalized on the country’s emotions at the time. Toby Keith, with “Courtesy Of The Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American) and Alan Jackson with “Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning).” Jackson was first to capitalize, focusing on a mixture of sadness and fear with his ballad. It was then Toby Keith’s turn when he chose to instead focus more on America’s patriotism and anger with his more up tempo song. Keith even took it a step further with his song by including the lyrics “We’ll put a boot in your ass, it’s the American way.” This was a significant move by Keith, knowing that the majority of his fans were rednecks who have more patriotism in them than they do teeth and whose battle cry at the time , “These colors don’t run!” was heard even more than their usual battle cry of “Play some Skynyrd!” However, he also knew that given the anger felt by all Americans over the attacks, that it wouldn’t just be rednecks who enjoyed this sentiment, but so many other Americans who had strong emotions that he could exploit. Both songs from Jackson and Keith reached number 1 on the country music charts and were top 30 hits on the Billboard charts.
So today, we remember that day in 2001. We remember the lives lost and the heroes made. We remember the wide range of emotions that we as Americans felt – sadness, fear, anger, helplessness, etc. And we remember when Toby Keith and Alan Jackson capitalized on them all
Posted on 01 May 2012 by bmar1127
Washington, D.C. - On the one year anniversary of the killing of Osama Bin Laden, new information is coming to light. We now know that Bin Laden wanted to kill President Barack Obama. This information comes as a shock to many given the extreme hatred Bin Laden possessed for the United States, for the elimination of Obama would have greatly helped the nation. Bin Laden apparently wanted Obama dead because vice president Joe Biden would be “unprepared” to take over as President. Whether or not Biden would have been prepared, the important thing to focus on here is that Obama would not be President anymore. Bin Laden apparently planned to assassinate Obama by hijacking Air Force One (easy, assholes! Not so sure those fucking box cutters are going to scare people again!) In a letter to one of his top lieutenants, Bin Laden wrote “Obama is the head of infidelity and killing him automatically will make Biden take over the presidency. Biden is totally unprepared for that post, which will lead the U.S. into a crisis.” Whatever, all we heard was Obama would not be President anymore. Unfortunately, he is, as he travels to Afghanistan tonight to continue to issue a speech and likely continue to use the killing of Osama Bin Laden on his campaign trail as if he actually did anything himself. So as details of this planned assassination emerge, confusion continues to grow as to why Bin Laden would help out a nation he so passionately hated. We don’t know. All we could think about was that Obama would not be President anymore.
Posted on 01 February 2012 by bmar1127
Tampa, Florida - Mitt Romney won big in the Florida primary tonight, placing him, once again, as the frontrunner to lose to Barack Obama in November’s presidential election. The victory was critical for Romney as only three weeks ago it seemed he was a lock to win the Republican nomination as he had an extremely strong showing in the Iowa caucus followed by a victory in the New Hampshire primary. Newt Gengrich then won the South Carolina primary and the race to be the man who Obama defeats became a bit clouded. Since then, Romney and Gengrich have engaged in what some are referring to as “the nastiest election campaign ever.” The campaign wars are so nasty, in fact, that no matter who wins the bid, the Republican party will be the ultimate loser if they cannot get their shit together. Gengrich (who looks like a gray haired pudgy baby) and Romney (who really just looks like an asshole) have waged such an attack on each other, that many do not even know who they can trust when it is all over. Though anyone with a semi functional brain would see that any alternative is likely better than Obama, but….there are a lot of stupid assholes out there. The next stop on the pointless Republican campaign trail will be on February 4th for the Nevada caucus as candidates will hope the picture will become even clearer on who is going to receive the bid to lose to Obama and watch as the United States slips deeper into hell for the next four years.
Posted on 12 January 2012 by bmar1127
Washington, D.C. - The United States Marine Corp is under fire after a video has surfaced which shows Marines urinating on the dead bodies of Taliban militants in Afghanistan. The video has caused outrage among many politically correct assholes throughout the world, including U.S. defense secretary, Leon Panetta, who calls the actions in the video “utterly deplorable.” Of course it is deplorable! Look, just because a person wants nothing more than to kill you, your family, friends, and everyone in the United States, then actively tries to do so, does not mean you should be disrespectful! Afghan president Hamid Karzai, agrees, calling the video “shocking” and demanding that the U.S punish the Marines involved. Hopefully, U.S. officials will listen and respect the request of a man who is in charge of a country housing so many people who’s sole purpose in life is to kill Americans. It appears they will do just that, as the aforementioned pussy Leon Panetta is quoted as saying “This conduct is entirely inappropriate for members of the United States military and does not reflect the standards or values our armed forces are sworn to uphold. Those found to have engaged in such conduct will be held accountable to the fullest extent.” Senator John McCain weighed in on “CBS This Morning,” saying that the video is “a handful of undisciplined young people, of the 100-some-thousand Marines we have. It makes me so sad.” One can only wonder if it makes him quite as sad as being a complete failure in the 2008 presidential race. It should, however, be noted that MCain most likely would not have been as big a failure as the embarrassing Barack Obama. A full investigation will soon be launched into the video to determine where and when it was filmed. So let this serve as a valuable lesson to us all, especially those in the military: Just because a person or in this case, a group of people, are responsible for the biggest terrorist attack in American history and have killed thousands and now wish to kill you, your family, friends, and everyone else in the United States simply for having a different belief, is absolutely no reason to be disrespectful. Be nice!