Morgantown, West Virginia - A settlement has been reached between West Virginia and the Big East that will allow the Mountaineers to exit the conference this year just in time for them to join the Big 12 and begin losing to teams like Texas, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma State for the 2012 football season. Originally, the Big East had stated they would require a 27 month exit period before the Mountaineers would be able to leave the conference. Lawsuits and countersuits were then filed and things got heated. Cooler heads, however, have now prevailed and on June 30th of this year, the Mountaineers will be officially free to begin getting destroyed on the football field annually by the likes of the Longhorns, Sooners, and Cowboys. Delusional West Virgina fans are celebrating the news of the settlement, neglecting to stopping and realizing that if they lost to Syracuse and Louisville last year, how do the think they’re going to do against teams that are traditional top 10 powers. The Mountaineers first Big 12 schedule will feature matchups against all of the aforementioned teams, plus games against the improved Baylor and newcomers TCU, who, much like West Virginia, will be coming over from a complete joke of a conference. West Virginia fans are not the only ones happy about the move, however, as many Big 12 coaches are as well. Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops said of WVU that “it’s always good to have a shitty team in here that you know you will beat the shit out of every year.” Texas coach Mack Brown is also onboard, saying “It’s a great move, ya know, always a great move when the University of Texas can have what is basically going to be another tackling dummy.” Even Kansas State head coach BIll Snyder chimed in with the message “I’m Bill Snyder! Welcome in, pussies. This ain’t gonna be like playing U-fucking-Conn!” So it appears that these coaches are extremely confident about their matchups against the incoming Mountaineers. But will the joke be on them come game time? Well, obviously not! The only joke bigger than the idea that West Virginia will win the Big 12 is their old conference, the Big East.

College Station, Texas - It is now official. SEC presidents have unanimously voted to accept Texas A&M as a new member of their conference. The news comes less than a month after those same school presidents voted against accepting the Aggies. Quite a dramatic change in opinions from the presidents, but then again, shady under the table money will change a lot of minds. That’s not to say that the presidents of the SEC schools who made this decision accepted bribes, but….they did. This one move is now expected to send waves of change across the college football landscape.

What does it mean for Texas A&M?

• They will be able to step out of the shadow of the University of Texas, their most hated rival who they competed with, and lost to, many many many many times not only on the field, but in recruiting. Of course, they will now be stepping into the shadow of teams like LSU, Alabama, and Florida – teams the Aggies will now begin losing to instead of Texas.

What does it mean for the SEC?

• Having the Texas A&M name in their conference roster will help the SEC tremendously…. Wait a minute, I’m sorry, I thought we were talking about Texas. The A&M name? No, that does absolutely nothing. Nothing like having the Longhorns would do.

What does it mean for other conferences?

• The notion that college football will soon be heading to 3 or 4 “super conferences” continues to pick up steam with this move. Rumors are now floating around ,once again, that Texas and Oklahoma may now leave the Big 12 to join the Pac 12 – which would eventually move to the Pac 16. The SEC would likely then respond by expanding to 16 as well, likely followed by the Big 10.

And finally, there is one group that this move by Texas A&M will affect that no one has even mentioned – children.

How will this affect children?

• This is perhaps the most important part of this entire process. In this move, Texas A&M (whether they know it or not) are teaching children a very important lesson. Remember, this all started because Texas A&M was upset about Texas creating The Longhorn Network. The Aggies whined, cried, bitched, and moaned for over a year about how unfair it was and how the University of Texas would be at a greater advantage because of the network. This is what led to Texas A&M wanting to leave the Big 12 in the first place. They could have just created the Aggie Network, but apparently they have common sense and realized that NOBODY would buy that, so they said “we want to join the SEC” – editors note: when reading that quote, read it in a spoiled brat voice to give yourself the full affect of what Texas A&M sounds like. But in the end, the Aggies got what they wanted: membership in the SEC. And in doing so, they are actually teaching children an extremely valuable lesson they can use for the rest of their lives – BE A WHINY BITCH AND YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU WANT

College Station, Texas – Earlier today, Texas A&M officially announced that they will be leaving the Big 12. This move comes after whining for months about the University of Texas and their new Longhorn Network. The Aggies feel that the Network provides many unfair advantages to the University of Texas, such as the ability to air Big 12 games and high school games. There is also the fear that Texas can use this in recruiting over the Aggies by being able to offer the chance to be seen playing on the Network. These concerns have continued to grow and have now resulted in Texas A&M completely disassociating themselves with the conference they have shared with the Longhorns. The cry baby threats actually began in July when a report that Texas A&M would be leaving to join the SEC surfaced. The SEC held a meeting of school presidents, however, that produced the decision that the conference was not ready to accept the Aggies at this time. The crying continued out of college station after that, however, and now the Aggies’ tears have turned to anger, much like the spoiled little child who got mad at their big brother during a football game, so they just took their football and left. Speculation does continue, however, that the Aggies may now end up being rewarded for their whining by getting what they wanted all along – an invitation to the SEC. We do want to point out that is just speculation right now, we don’t want to be mistaken for ESPN and report stories that aren’t true, much like the network did when they reported on a Saturday that Texas A&M would definitely be joining the SEC, but then on Sunday, the SEC agreed that it would not be happening. However, if the speculation is true, the Aggies stand to make a lot of money to dry their tears with. For now, we will wait and see what conference they land in, but for now it appears that Texas A&M has gotten what they wanted and have been rewarded for all of their hard work – and by hard work, we mean whining. Are you familiar with the situation where a mother takes her child into a store, the child whines and cries for a toy, and the mother just gets so tired of the crying, she just gets the child the toy they want so they will shut up? Texas A&M is now clearly very familiar with this scenario.

Huntsville, Texas – 38 year old, Humberto Leal Garcia, was put to death by lethal injection yesterday after he raped and murdered a 16 year old girl in 1994. The Obama administration had made an urgent appeal to stop the execution earlier, but the Supreme Court rejected it with a 5-4 decision. The appeal was made by Obama’s administration because the Mexican consulate had apparently not been notified at the time of Garcia’s arrest and trial, which they say violates the Vienna convention. Lawyers for the Obama administration argued that if the execution was carried out, it could have “serious repercussions” on future relations between the U.S. and Mexico. After all, people who rape and murder 16 year old girls deserve rights. They deserve to be fought for. And we sure as hell wouldn’t want to offend anyone by sentencing a grown man who RAPED A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL and then killed her. Silly America for thinking that people like that should be punished! What were we thinking?! Good thing we have a president who’s administration is willing to stand up and fight for people who are only demonstrating their rights to rape and murder. But someone forgot to inform the consulate of Mexico that someone from his country had committed these crimes. If only he had been informed, maybe this poor man who savagely RAPED AND MURDERED A 16 YEAR OLD GIRL could have been spared, if only for a little bit longer. Sorry for that one, Mexico! Our bad! But hey, just know that the president of the United States, Barack Obama, supports you and agrees that this man who, in case you forgot, RAPED AND MURDERED A FUCKING 16 YEAR OLD GIRL, should not have been executed. On behalf of the Supreme Court, we apologize to you, Obama, for being so short sighted in thinking that rape and murder deserves to be punished. We also owe an apology to Mexico. How dare we not consult with you before we bring a man to justice who committed such a crime in our country! Barack Obama promises that wont happen again, Mexico. And to prove he’s serious, he has put the United States in a 20 minute timeout.

Austin Texas - Austin resident, Steven Granderson, is reporting that his spank bank has once again been filled after the gym he belongs to  finally opened their swimming pool this past weekend after having an inflatable dome over it since October 2nd of last year. The dome was originally schedule to be taken down the previous weekend, but weather forecasts for the following Monday, May 2nd, called for a high of only 55 degrees with rain, so the gym decided to wait an extra week. According to Steven, that extra week seemed like an eternity, although he then told us that it was totally worth it. He also tells us that he became spoiled after 4 years of attending the Gregory Gym at the University of Texas. The gym was free to students and was packed almost daily with beautiful women utilizing not only weight machines, but also the large indoor pool the gym featured. After graduating last June, however, Granderson knew he would no longer be able to attend the Gregory Gym for free, so he signed up at the Pure Austin Gym downtown. Due to a family trip in late July through early August, Steven had less than 2 months to creepily stare at bikini clad women before the sun bathing season was over. The winter months proved to be a dark time for Steven. He continued to obsess over the lost pool time. He tried desperately to make up for that lost time by spending countless hours in front of his computer looking at pornography on the internet. So much time, in fact, that it spilled over to his job and he was fired from his position at the local Apple store when instead of showing a customer how to use Garage Band like they requested, he instead showed them a hardcore barely legal video he had downloaded from a pay porn site. He has since been working at the Best Buy on Research Blvd selling inferior Windows based computers. “It’s been a tough road” Steven says, “But I made it. Last weekend was a great first weekend back at the pool. It was in the lower 90′s both Saturday and Sunday and I have memorized the weather for the next month so I can plan my pool trips. This weekend will be sunny in the low to mid 80′s. I’m excited to see what this week holds after a great weekend where I saw some juicy redheads, some busty brunettes, and some boneriffic blondes.” As Steven continued to use descriptions for these women that you would generally only see on a porn site, we became uncomfortable and hurried away. But although Steven Granderson clearly is a man in need of help, we are happy for him and wish him nothing but the best.

Arlington, Texas - It was a concern the week before the big game, but for the quarterback on the other side. Last Monday, Green Bay Packers quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, was listed as doubtful to even play in the Super Bowl because of a self diagnosis of masturbation shame. After his MVP performance in last night’s game, however, it was clear that he had overcome this terrible affliction. But as we learned last night in a post game press conference, the MS that Rodgers was able to lose, his counter part, Ben Roethlisberger found. “I put it on my shoulders, no excuses” the Pittsburgh QB said. He continued, “I mean, yeah, I definitely let something fuel my masturbation earlier this week that I shouldn’t have, I was ashamed of it, I knew it was wrong, and it caught up with me tonight.” It would appear that the MS not only caught up with Big Ben, but hit him hard, as he threw two interceptions, one of which was returned for a touchdown early in the game. Rodgers, however, admitted he was able to shake the MS that had been plaguing him this week. Clearly he did, as he threw for 304 yards and 3 touchdowns, something no man with the burden of MS could pull off. “I saw some people about it this week, talked to other athletes who had gone through it before, and they helped me get past it. So now, thanks to them, I was able to play and I now have an MVP trophy and won a sweet new Chevy Camaro! You know how many women I’m gonna get now? TONS of poon!” Another Packer, linebacker Clay Matthews was also able to overcome his masturbation shame this week. Matthews not only played, but played well and had a great hair day. Unfortunately, not every Packer was able to overcome this terrible burden. Cornerback, Charles Woodson, also listed as doubtful earlier this week, made a valiant effort, actually starting the game. The shame got the best of him though and he was injured early in the game and was forced to watch from the sidelines. Woodson vowed that he will now dedicate himself to rehab in the offseason and be back next season, shame free and ready to go. As for Ben Roethlisberger, he did not comment on the disease or any sort of timetable upon which he might be recovered. So it is another season, another Super Bowl in the books. Super Bowl XLV, a tale of one quarterback overcoming the odds and another quarterback being sacked by one of the toughest opponents of all, tougher perhaps than any opposing defense could ever be. But as we look ahead, we should be able to expect a game free of this next year, as Super Bowl XLVI will be held in Indianapolis, generally not a home to this terrible disease. The problem, however, will lie in 2013 when Super Bowl XLVII will be held in New Orleans, which is, statistically, the masturbation shame capitol of the world.

Arlington, Texas - The Black Eyed Peas concert on February 6 at Cowboys Stadium will now feature a special performance by the Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers. The group, who is on tour supporting their latest terrible album, “The Beginning” announced back in September that they would be playing the show that will be televised by Fox. “We’re very excited that so many people want to see us perform live, that a network like Fox would want to televise it” said female member, Fergie, who looks attractive 30 percent of the time and like a hideous ghoul the other 70. “This is going to be amazing” said another terrible member of the group who calls himself “Will.I.Am” He went on to say that “Just think, 100 million people worldwide will be tuning in to hear us showcase our lack of talent! Now, I can’t give away which shitty songs we will be playing, but we have a large selection of god awful songs available, songs like “My Humps” or “Boom Boom Pow” or even our latest piece of shit, “The Time(Dirty Bit)” He continued, “We thought to ourselves that we really wanted to kick this concert up a notch, so we thought that out of all those tens of millions of people who will be tuning in just to see us, surely a few of them like football as well. So we decided to have 2 football teams play a game in between our concert, kind of as an extra little piece of entertainment.” The group began deciding which two teams that would be at the beginning of January. They say that they went back and forth trying to decide, even going so far as creating a bracket of 16 of the NFL’s top teams. Even with their bracket, the band says it still took them three weeks to decide which teams to invite, eventually picking the Steelers and Packers just this past Sunday night. Tickets to the concert have been sold out for months and are going for as much as $3,000 on ebay.  However, there are still tickets available for complete morons who want to pay $200 to stand on the lawn in front of the stadium and watch the game on a projection screen. Stadium owner, Jerry Jones, anticipates that it will set the record for atttendance for a concert with an NFL game set as the backdrop.