Jackson, Tennessee – A Tennessee resident has proven to be yet another shining example for his state as he sent his dog to be euthanized because he suspected it was gay. The man surrendered his dog to the Jackson Rabies Control Animal Shelter two days ago because he saw the dog, a male pitbull/American bulldog mix, humping a male dog. The dog was to be killed the next day but, luckily, someone who was not a hate monger and had an IQ over 15, adopted him. The name of the man who left the dog to be killed has not been released, but a note he left tucked under the dog’s collar has been revealed. It read as follows:

“This here dog is queer as a three dollar bill. Two boy dogs ought not lay together. Bible! I seen this dog having sex with another boy dog and I aint gonna stand for that. This is America! This is Tennessee damn it! What you think Dale Jr would say about some dog being a faggot? Johnny Cash would roll over in his grave. So you take this queer I dont want him around me trying to have sex with me GOD DAMN FAG DOG!”

Guntown, Mississippi - As the search continues for Adam Mayes, the man who is accused of abducting a woman and her three daughters, the FBI has issued a statement urging anyone who sees the man to fuck him where he stands. Normally, police will warn people not to attempt to fuck a suspect where they stand, but to alert police and they will do so themselves. They are making an exception for this piece of shit, however, as authorities found the bodies of the mom and one of the daughters behind Mayes’ home. It is thought that the two other daughters are still with him, though not definite. Citizens are urged to study Mayes’ picture, which appears to be a classic image of white trash, memorize the disgusting features of his face so if you do see him, you can immediately fuck this person where they stand. Judging by the looks of him, chances are good that he can be lured over by crystal meth.

Knoxville, Tennessee - A bill passed in Tennessee yesterday will allow the teaching of creationism in classrooms. The bill will now allow religion to be discussed in science classes…right where it belongs, right? The law encourages teachers to “present the scientific strengths and scientific weaknesses of existing scientific theories covered in the course being taught.” The only theories stated in the bill, however, are biological evolution, the chemical origins of life, global warming, and human cloning. The bill offers protections for teachers who help students critique “scientific weaknesses” of certain theories.The problem is that there is no important “scientific weakness” in the theory of evolution that could scientifically undermine it. Scientists agree that it is the animating principle of modern biology. Scientists also agree on the reality of climate change. Knoxville resident Billy Ray Jenkins, a strong supporter of the bill, says that “it’s about time we teach our kids what’s right and what ain’t right, and this evolution and climate change stuff ain’t nothing but a bunch of hooey fooey dark magic!” Another bill supporter that we spoke to, Jimmy John Buford, echoed those thoughts, stating “Ain’t no room anymore for this hully gully evolution business! There’s only one way of thinking that’s right and now we can get it taught!” In fact, every person we spoke to seemed to support the bill, as they all said the same thing, that “science ain’t real and it ought not to be spoke of.” Then, for some reason, they all shouted “Dale Earnhardt Jr., baby! Get em, Junior!” which was a bit off putting considering no one had said a single word about NASCAR.

Nashville, Tennessee - Officials at Vanderbilt University have begun rebranding themselves as the school, which traditionally focuses on academics before all else, looks to reach a broader range of potential students. The Nashville school with an enrollment of just under 13,000 will soon roll out a new campaign to attract students from all walks of life as they will be touting their university as “The brobang capital of the SEC.” Mark Dalton, chairman of the school’s board of Trust explains the move as “something that will bring in the athletes and party seekers as well as the traditional student looking for a superior education.” But why such a move for a school that, for the most part, is purely academic? According to Dalton, it is “just the way things are headed.” He explains “Kids are increasingly looking to have a good time when they come to a school. They’re looking for education, but they are also looking for an experience, for fun, and for brobangs.” A brobang, of course, is two or more males, or “bros”, have sex with one girl. The first brobang in Vanderbilt history was said to have taken place in 2004 and was orchestrated by Jay Cutler during his junior season as quarterback for the football team. They have reportedly been increasing in popularity year after year at the school. The university’s location has much to do with the brobang popularity, as the city of Nashville has begun linked to the likes of Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, just to name a couple. Cyrus being the whore that she is is said to be a “brobang all star” and has really helped the Nashville brobang reputation. The “Music City” is a destination for many tourists, given their rich history, beautiful scenery, and bustling nightlife. It is for all these reasons that officials have decided to claim themselves “the brobang capital of the SEC.” They, of course, will face an uphill battle, as it has been established for years that the University of Florida in Gainesville is the owner of that title.