Boston, Massachusetts – Rumors began to swirl this week about musician Taylor Swift and Boston bombing suspect, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, dating. Though nothing has been confirmed, there have been reports this week that the two had actually begun their relationship early last Friday morning while Tsarnaev was on the run from authorities. According to one source close to Swift, the country singer reached out to Tsarnaev after seeing the manhunt unfold on CNN. That same source said that, as it was happening, Swift remarked to her that “This guy is completely screwed” and asked “Wouldn’t it be like so totally crazy if I dated this guy? After several moments of silence, she reportedly explained “Because like, if I dated him, and he like, goes to jail or gets killed, then like, it would pretty much be like the ultimate breakup song I could write.” After several more moments of awkward silence, it is said that Swift pleaded with this source, saying “Look, there’s only so many pathetic breakup songs I can write about before the guys I’m dating finally figure me out. I need this!”

Jackson, MS – The age old question of whether or not there is a God is expected to be answered Friday night at a concert in Jackson, Mississippi that will feature Shinedown, Three Days Grace, and POD. That is when, according to reports, a large volcanic formation will rise from the center of the Mississippi Coliseum, killing everyone in attendance, including the bands, thus proving that God not only exists, but that he is fair and just. There have been reports for some time now that the almighty has been growing increasingly weary of the fighting and deaths that are often related to the belief or disbelief of his existence. According to sources, he has been pondering a move that would announce his existence once and for all, but has been unsure of how he should make such a move. Though God was unavailable for comment, we were able to speak to his close friend, who wished only to be identified as Jeff. Jeff told us that he had lost count of the times that God would become emotional and say to him “Look at my children, J. Look at the way so many of them behave. Did I go wrong somewhere?” Jeff also says that God called him about three weeks ago, furious about tonight’s concert and screaming “Everything! I gave them everything! I created this all, and THIS is how they repay me, by using the talent I bestowed upon them to assemble these shitty bands?!” According to Jeff, God then simply said “That’s it!” and slammed the phone down. That is the last time Jeff says he has seen or heard from his friend. Jeff also told us that God has been more and more upset at acts like Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift as well, but there is little he can do since their souls were legally sold to satan years ago.

Los Angeles, California – After being awarded with the first ever “Lifetime douchebag” award at last year’s Grammys, Nickelback is on a quest to make sure that no lineup of douchebags is complete without them. Though not nominated for any of this year’s Grammy awards, the band says that they “will be making an apperance at tonight’s show to show these current assholes and douchebags that we are the kings of this stuff!” They may very well be right. Although the current list of douchebag nominees is a strong one with acts such as Chris Brown, Carly Rae Jepsen, Taylor Swift, and pretty much all rappers, Nickelback has perfected the art of being complete douchebags and has been dominating that area for over ten years now with awful songs like “Photograph,” “Someday,” “Rockstar,” “Something In Your Mouth,” and countless other shitty songs with lyrics that only douchebags would write. So while people like Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj, and Lil Wayne are all strong contenders to be the biggest bunch of assholes and douchebags in music, Nickelback has a message for them: “remember who has always dominated that game.”

Los Angeles, California - The annual shit show known as the Grammys will be held tonight at the Staples Center, as the industry’s biggest assholes and douchebags come together as if it were a giant parade that celebrates everything that is wrong with music today. Examples include Carly Rae Jepsen, Chris Brown, LMFAO, Justin Bieber, and many more. Though the Grammys have meant less and less each year (unless you’re an 11-18 year old girl), tonight’s show will look to top all previous shitty Grammy shows. The fact that Carly Rae Jepsen is nominated for “song of the year” is a good start. Maroon 5 and Colplay should help out in that area as well, as they are both nominated for the first ever Grammy category “We were actually pretty good 10 years ago and have just gotten progressively shittier since.” And it wouldn’t be the Grammys without a lot of shitty performances. Performers tonight will include Taylor Swift, who will be singing a song about a breakup she went through because EVERY FUCKING SONG by Taylor Swift is about a breakup she went through. Other surely terrible performances include Alicia Keys and Maroon 5, a collaboration between Travis Barker, Chuck D, LL Cool J, Tom Morello, and DJ Z-Trip, and the biggest fan of terrible choices ever, Rihanna, as she will team up with Bruno Mars and Sting. Rihanna will also likely be the recipient. Speaking of Rihanna, it could be the female pop star who has the biggest night of all, as she will not only perform, but is also nominated for “Best pop solo performance.” She is also likely to be the recipient of boyfriend Chris Brown’s fist in her face after the award show is over. The award would be her second such honor. The show will kick off at 8:00 eastern and will be broadcast on CBS. Until then, just think about the fact that a song with such ridiculous lyrics as “We are never ever ever getting back together..like ever” is nominated for “record of the year.”

Washington, D.C. – Earlier today, the Recording Industry Association of America released its year end tally of 2012 Gold & Platinum Program awards. In doing so, they also acknowledge the sad, pathetic state popular music is in. The RIAA awarded the top certified album of the year to Taylor Swift for “Red,” which sold three million copies in only its first month of release. Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” tied for the top release of 2012 after it was certified six times platinum. Four terrible acts tied for the second highest song honor of the year – triple Platinum – Justin Bieber, Maroon 5, Nicki Minaj, and One Direction. Other pathetic acts like rapper 2 Chainz and The Weeknd, sold 500,000 copies in 2012, certifying them gold. Sadly, acts such as Karmin and Cher Lloyd also received awards for selling one million downloads of their terrible songs. The list of winners was announced by the RIAA board of directors, a group consisting of 26 members. After the entire list of winners was read, all 26 members wept openly and stated that they “would like to apologize for the sad, pathetic, and overall shitty state that popular music is in today. The fact that acts like Justin Bieber, Carly Rae Jepsen, and One Direction are so popular is a sad reflection on a once proud music industry. We would like to congratulate all the winners today, but also say you should be ashamed of yourselves for basically raping so many souls with your mindless lyrics and recycled, stale music. We would also like to extend a message to the millions of you sheep who bought this garbage in 2012, allowing such terrible acts like Nicki Minaj to receive such awards, and that message is “May God have mercy on your souls.” Seven of the 26 board members then collectively said “Lord, please forgive us,” then put guns in their mouths and pulled the trigger. Their funerals will be held early next week. Sadly, Justin Bieber continues to live

Nashville, Tennessee - Taylor Swift is giving out mouth favors to coincide with the release of her album “Red.” Numerous companies have now lined up to help promote the new album, which is being released today, companies including Clear Channel, Target, and Papa Johns. Yes, Papa fucking Johns! What does pizza and Taylor Swift have to do with each other you ask? Not a god damn thing! But the pizza chain is apparently running a special that will get you a large 1 topping pizza and the new CD full of tracks about break ups and nothing else, for only $22. Target has released a special bonus edition of the CD featuring six extra tracks, and Clear Channel has announced a special campaign that will place her on seemingly every fucking genre of radio there is. No one artist has ever received this amount of coverage for a CD release, making it clear that Swift is blowing the shit out of every person in charge of these companies. And the companies that have women in charge instead of men? Well, she is doing some “hand stuff” for them instead of blowing them. This amount of media attention, corporate tie ins, and blowjobs will likely lead to huge album sales for the 22 year old who writes songs that seemingly come from a 16 year old. Seriously, who the fuck other than a teen writes lyrics such as “we are never ever ever ever getting back together” or actually sits down and writes the words “like ever” in an actual song?! Taylor Swift, that’s who! You can find her new album “Red” in stores today. Or if you are the head of a company and want a mouth favor from her, just contact her management with a sponsorship offer and she will make that happen.

Los Angeles, California - The 2012 Grammy Awards show is set to take place tonight at the Staples Center. Tonight will be the 54th installment of the Awards and will celebrate, more than ever, everything that is wrong with music today. It will be a night full of terrible performances, including Taylor Swift, Coldplay teaming up with Rihanna (which was clearly suggested as a joke that someone in charge of this show took seriously), and Chris Brown, who everyone has apparently blocked out the fact that he beat a woman (but it’s ok, he can dance.) Tonight, however, one of the biggest honors will be bestowed upon Nickelback. The rock band from Canada is set to become the first ever recipient of the Grammy for Lifetime Douchebags. The newly formed award is similar to the lifetime achievement awards many artists have received, except the achievement is in the art of douchebaggery. And for the last decade, the members of Nickelback have certainly dedicated themselves to that art! Formed in 1995, the band were not immediately douchebags and were actually decent through 2001 and the album, Silver Side Up. It was not until 2002 that lead singer, Chad Kroeger, teamed up with Josey Scott, the lead singer of the god awful band, Saliva, to sing “Hero” for the Spider Man movie. After that, Nickelback (especially Kroeger) were on their way to a string of hits containing terrible music and even worse lyrics. Lyrics such as the ones found in the 2005 song, “Photograph”, where Kroeger sings about looking back at a photograph and wondering aloud “what the hell is on Joey’s head?” This abortion of a song was then followed by atrocious singles like “Rockstar”, a song about the desire to be rich and famous, with one ridiculous line speaking of being able to eat their meals for free followed by, for some unexplained reason, a deep voice that says “I think I’ll have a quesadilla, haha.” Other songs that should have never been made include “Burn It To The Ground” and, perhaps most absurd of them all, “Something In Your Mouth.” Those, along wtih many other songs that any human being should be embarassed to ever even think about writing, are among the reasons that Nickelback will make history tonight as the first band or artist to ever receive the Lifetime Douchebag Grammy…a fantastic achievement for a band that has made us question humanity for nearly a decade!

Nashville, Tennessee - Officials at Vanderbilt University have begun rebranding themselves as the school, which traditionally focuses on academics before all else, looks to reach a broader range of potential students. The Nashville school with an enrollment of just under 13,000 will soon roll out a new campaign to attract students from all walks of life as they will be touting their university as “The brobang capital of the SEC.” Mark Dalton, chairman of the school’s board of Trust explains the move as “something that will bring in the athletes and party seekers as well as the traditional student looking for a superior education.” But why such a move for a school that, for the most part, is purely academic? According to Dalton, it is “just the way things are headed.” He explains “Kids are increasingly looking to have a good time when they come to a school. They’re looking for education, but they are also looking for an experience, for fun, and for brobangs.” A brobang, of course, is two or more males, or “bros”, have sex with one girl. The first brobang in Vanderbilt history was said to have taken place in 2004 and was orchestrated by Jay Cutler during his junior season as quarterback for the football team. They have reportedly been increasing in popularity year after year at the school. The university’s location has much to do with the brobang popularity, as the city of Nashville has begun linked to the likes of Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, just to name a couple. Cyrus being the whore that she is is said to be a “brobang all star” and has really helped the Nashville brobang reputation. The “Music City” is a destination for many tourists, given their rich history, beautiful scenery, and bustling nightlife. It is for all these reasons that officials have decided to claim themselves “the brobang capital of the SEC.” They, of course, will face an uphill battle, as it has been established for years that the University of Florida in Gainesville is the owner of that title.

Bridgeport, Connecticut - Today musician, John Mayer, became the latest inductee into the Poon Hall of Fame. Since 2002 when Mayer burst onto the scene with his song “No Such Thing” he has been romantically linked to numerous quality actresses and musicians. Keep in mind that when we say quality, we don’t mean that these womens’ movies and/or music is any good, we mean quality tail. Another thing to keep in mind is that when we say “romantically linked to” we mean Mayer more than likely just performed outrageous, unspeakable sexual acts on them and then left, because that’s what John Mayer does. The following is a list of some of Mayer’s rumored conquests:

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jessica Simpson

Jennifer Aniston

Minka Kelly

Taylor Swift

Kesha

Some of these women, in an attempt to sound less whorish than some of them are, may deny they slept with Mayer, that they simply dated. Be that as it may, we will just go ahead and assume that Mayer had his way with them, because he’s JOHN FUCKING MAYER! Besides, Kesha just looks like a complete whore, so you know that one has to be true. And Taylor Swift even wrote a song about being hurt by Mayer. Of course, what relationship has Swift ever had that she didn’t write a fucking song about?! Oh, John Mayer hurt you? Well take a number, because that’s what John Mayer does! He crushes P and breaks hearts! What he doesn’t do is apologize for it. Nor should he. He’s out there brobanging alongside the likes of Ryan Reynolds! So congratulations to John Mayer on his induction. He becomes only the second member inducted so far, along with Scott Baio.

Las Vegas, Nevada – After not being held for 5 years, the Billboard Music Awards returned last night and were more impressive than ever (to 15 year old girls, that is). Eminem, Justin Bieber, and Taylor Swift were among the big winners of the awards that are decided by record sales and radio stations – 2 things that used to matter. The night was packed wtih performances that dazzled pre teens, teens, and young adults who never advanced mentally beyond the age of 17. It was a night of wild performances as Kesha took the stage and continued to try to act like she is an attractive girl, Rihanna continued to be a complete whore, and The Black Eyed Peas just continued to perfect the art of terrible music. It was a night of celebration for everyone involved – forced celebration, mind you, but celebration nonetheless. It was definitely everything you could ask for from a show that presents awards based on record sales – which are not what they used to be thanks to digital music stores, and radio airplay – which has become basically hearing the same 9 songs a day programmed ahead of time and played to you by a DJ who thinks he’s the funniest and most clever person since Howard Stern. Delusional thoughts aside, the show was a success and it’s return after a 5 year hiatus in which it didn’t seem to be missed at all, was all the buzz on Twitter and Facebook. Overall, it was a good night for everyone, no matter if it was an artist who won an award, a record company executive who was able to pretend for a few hours that iTunes isn’t going to eventually crush you, the radio DJ who thinks he’s one of the best ever but is actually nothing but ego and bad puns, and all fans of things that are wrong with the world.