Washington, D.C. - Given the current situation in Egypt, U.S. president Barack Obama had no choice but to finally make a statement this morning. With political unrest at an all time high in the country, the situation has reached a point of extreme danger. Riots are now in their second week and show no signs of ending. Citizens of the country are demanding the resignation of current president, Hosni Mubarak. Mubarak has refused to resign, further angering those citizens calling for his job and thus intensifying the already violent situation. Since these protests began, members of the media have been questioning why Barack Obama has made no effort to get the U.S. involved in the situation. Finally, early this morning, those moronic members of the media who, like so many other people, think it’s the United State’s job to clean up everyone else’s mess, got their wish as Obama made a public statement. However, it was not exactly what they thought they would hear. Below is the full transcript of the president’s speech:

“My fellow Americans, It is not lost on this president that the situation in Egypt is becoming dire. It is also not lost on me that many of you have been wanting me to speak on my stance on this, on America’s stance on this. Well let me deliver a message directly to the people of Egypt, from president Mubarak all the way down to the people rioting in the streets…. Don’t you DARE make me miss any Super Bowl commercials tonight! I’m not kidding! If I miss so much as one fucking commercial, your country will be sorry! These commercials are the best part of the super bowl. I don’t care about the ridiculous amounts of useless coverage ESPN has been offering me the last 2 weeks, I don’t care about the 8 hours of pre game that they deliver before the game, and I certainly don’t care about the Steelers OR the Packers, but I look forward to seeing these commercials. You want to test me? Go ahead! See what happens! Just see what happens! So to all the members of the media, who for some reason, just assume that we have to get involved in this, as if he haven’t been involved in two wars and been spending billions upon billions of dollars on those wars, chill the fuck out! And once again, for the people of Egypt, please, just cut the shit for four to five hours tonight, that’s all I’m asking. You can resume your senseless destruction of property and lives tomorrow, but for your sake, tonight, just cut the shit. Remember: one missed Super Bowl commercial means one giant hole in the ground where Egypt used to be. Thank you, and God bless America.”