Oakland, California – Quarterback Matt Flynn was forced to give up his dream of winning a Super Bowl as a starter when he was traded to the Oakland Raiders earlier today. Flynn, who has started only two games in his NFL career, had created quite a buzz two seasons ago when he threw for 480 yards in one game as a member of the Green Bay Packers. That buzz landed him a 3 year/$19.5 million deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Despite that high priced free agent deal, Flynn never gained the starting job in Seattle when Pete Carroll opened the competition at quarterback, a battle that was eventually won by then rookie Russell Wilson. After the success Wilson had in his first season, the Seahawks saw Flynn as expendable and began searching for willing takers. Enter the always terrible Raiders. With the move to Oakland, Flynn will now have a new chance to focus on the next phase of his life: life after football, which will likely begin in the next three years due to the fact that Oakland is where careers go to die. To his credit, Flynn was upbeat about the trade, though quite sarcastically. He thanked the Raiders earlier, saying that he “had always dreamed of being able to retire as an NFL football player, now the Raiders will be giving me that chance sooner than I even imagined.” He added that he was “excited to join such a tradition rich team that has a history of making moves that seem to let you know they know EXACTLY what they are doing.” He then mentioned JaMarcus Russell, Darrius Heyward-Bey, Randy Moss, Carson Palmer, coach Tom Cable, coach Hue Jackson, coach Norv Turner. He seemed to have many more names he was going to mention, but simply said “ah, Fuck it” and walked away.

San Francisco, California - Colin Kaepernick says it’s going to take time to get over last night’s Super Bowl loss, but also says the healing process has already begun. “I just keep reminding myself that it could be worse…I could be Tony Romo,” the second year quarterback said. Kapernick said he got home to San Francisco early this morning and has “spent the day focusing on the good things in life, things like not being Tony Romo.” “You gotta take the bad with the good,” he says. “You can’t just dwell on that loss. You have to focus on the wins we had as well, or else you’ll drive yourself crazy.” Those wins – at home against Green Bay and at Atlanta – already give him more playoff wins than Romo has in his career of more than six years, while Kaepernick did not even start a full season. And though he says it’s hard right now to block out thoughts of last night’s game, he is doing his best just to count his blessings – the biggest of which, according to Kaepernick is “not being Tony Romo.”

New Orleans, Louisiana – So first the Ravens were fucking the 49ers where they stood, then the 49ers were fucking the Ravens where they stood, then the referees fucked the 49ers where they stood. Super Bowl XLVII turned out to be one of the biggest fuckfests in history tonight as the Baltimore Ravens defeated the San Francisco 49ers 34-31. The game looked like it was going to be a blowout early in the third quarter with the Ravens up 28-6. Then the power went out in the Superdome, causing a 34 minute delay, thus fucking everyone viewing the game where they stood. That’s typical New Orleans. You know you can’t give those disgusting assholes anything nice, they’ll find some way to ruin it. After the power came back on, the momentum swung heavily in the 49ers favor as they quickly scored 17 unanswered points to bring it to within 28-23. A Baltimore field goal and a San Francisco touchdown and missed two point conversion made the score 31-29 late in the game. Then, with the Ravens leading 34-29 with only 1:50 to go, the 49ers were forced to go for it on a 4th and goal from the 5. That is when the referees completely fucked the 49ers where they stood when receiver Michael Crabtree was held in the end zone, but no call was made. The ball fell to the turf as posession and the victory went to the Ravens. It was an unpredictable evening to say the least. The most predictable moment of the evening came in the postgame celebration when the first words out of Ray Lewis’ mouth were “When God is for you, who can be against you?!” Think we all grew tired of that act, Ray. Other than that, it was a completely unpredictable night for the Super Bowl. And it was such a giant fuckfest, that we have even received word that at one point when the lights went out, former NFL quarterback and nearby Mississippi resident, Brett Favre, had sex with some lady in a Superdome bathroom

New Orleans, Louisiana – The Super Bowl is here and ESPN officials are scrambling to try to reach their goal of talking about the Harbaugh family 500 times. They are close, currently sitting at 417 mentions in the last two weeks. Whether it be lame as fuck phrases like “Super-Baugh, or “Harbaugh Bowl” or stories of the Harbaughs’ mother and father, ESPN has found a way to remind us that the two brothers are coaching against each other on every show on the network – which there are really only about 4 shows, as Sportscenter comes on about 19 times a day. The day the 49ers and Ravens won their conference championships, ESPN reportedly set their goal of Harbaugh family references at 500, because, as one network official told us, “We’re ESPN. That’s what we do. We take a story and run it into the ground, so why change our strategy for the biggest game of the year?” With the game now only hours away, the network and its anchors will no doubt be working hard to reach their goal. Given the fact that they show the same highlights and same stories over and over and over again throughout a 24 hour period, they are expected to not only reach, but surpass their goal by tomorrow afternoon.

New Orleans, Louisiana - All of the hype, analysis, and talk is over. Today is the day that more Americans gather around the television than any other day. Around 115 million people are expected to do just that tonight as they watch Snooki & JWOWW. Of course, there is also the Super Bowl, but MTV will be countering that with not only one episode of Snooki & JWOWW, but four hours of this hideous show. It is always interesting to see what programming other networks choose to counter the Super Bowl with, as they all basically just say “hey guys, we should probably just give up.” Though it is clear that MTV should have given up a long time ago. Other programming choices today include a Golden Girls marathon on the Hallmark Channel until 2 AM, or 12 consecutive hours of the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet, or Shark Tank on ABC. Seriously though, executives at MTV may want to think about killing themselves. We’re pretty sure the show “Buckwild” is reason enough for them to do so.

New Orleans, Louisiana – NFL commissioner Roger Goodell delivered the annual state of the NFL address this afternoon. He touched on many topics including player safety, the Rooney Rule, cold weather super bowls (next year’s big game will be in New York,) and more. Also discussed were the results of an independent study that concluded that New Orleans Saints fans are among the absolute worst human beings on earth. The study was conducted over the last 10 years, cost the NFL $225 million, and is said to be extremely scientific with absolutely no margin of error. The results came as a surprise to no members of the media, as most of them have been in New Orleans all week and witnessed first hand the horrific nature of the people living in this disease ridden city. To be fair to New Orleans though, the study did not only single out fans in New Orleans, as it also mentioned they were almost as insufferable in the state of Mississippi, where most have adopted the Saints as their hometown team simply because they are the closest to them. Apparently, it never occured to them how ridiculous it was that they based who their favorite football team is on geographical proximity. The bulk of the findings seemed to display the biggest reason these fans were found to be terrible human beings was because of their constant use of the annoying phrase “who dat.” Finally, the study seemed to show that in the past seven years, these fans have grown 62 percent more intolerable. Further research revealed that was due to the story of hurricane Katrina, which tore through the city back in 2005. After being repeated over and over again by the media during the Saints’ Super Bowl run just 3 years ago and players like Drew Brees needlessly bringing it up years later to try to play on fans’ emotions, it was reportedly the hardest to deal with these Saints fans from 2009 to the present. The state of the NFL address then quickly shifted to the topic of gun control, as commissioner Goodell had to remind everyone in attendance that no matter how obnoxious, rude, annoying, and delusional Saints fans are, it is unfortunately still illegal to shoot them.

New Orleans, Louisiana – Over the weekend, portions of an interview with President Obama in which he spoke on safety in football were released. In the article, he admits that if he had a son, it would be a touch decision to let him play football.”I’m a big football fan, but I have to tell you if I had a son, I’d have to think long and hard before I let him play football,” said the president. He then went on to speak on the changes he sees coming for football at all age levels, changes he thinks will make the game safer.“In some cases, that may make it a little bit less exciting, but it will be a whole lot better for the players, and those of us who are fans maybe won’t have to examine our consciences quite as much” he said about those possible changes. ESPN quickly picked up on these statements and have been showing them at least once an hour every hour for the past two days, as ESPN does every fucking story they cover. Obama’s comments and the amount of coverage they have received will certainly satisfy those of us who often find themselves watching a football game and thinking “You know, I can’t help but thinking if President Obama thinks these players are safe enough!” It’s a typical scenario almost every week of the season – you’re watching a game, a big play happens, and you begin to wonder what the President of the United States has to say about how safe these players are. By the time you get done checking his Twitter, searching on Google, and scouring the official White House website, you have missed the entire third quarter. Certainly, thanks should be in order for the interviewer who asked his opinion on this matter that in no way affects him. ESPN should certainly be thanked, as they often provide us with answers to burning questions like this when they show things like what basketball player LeBron James thinks about a South Carolina football game or what rapper Jay Z has to say about a Los Angeles Lakers game. Perhaps the biggest thank you of all should be for Obama himself for speaking the words “Those of us who are fans maybe won’t have to examine our consciences quite as much” and for the endless laughter this comment provides, as if any time there is an injury during a game, anyone “examines their conscience.”

New Orleans, Louisiana – Earlier today, New Orleans Saints head coach, Sean Payton, was reinstated by the NFL from his season long suspension for his role in the infamous “bounty gate” scandal, in which Saints players were paid to injure opponents. “I am thankful today Commissioner Goodell has granted me reinstatement,” said Payton. “I clearly realize that mistakes were made which led to league violations. He then vowed that these mistakes would never be made again, as he said he will pay closer attention to ensure that the next time the Saints operate a bounty program, that people don’t find out about it. “I feel we have learned from our mistakes and are ready to move forward with more bounties..better and much higher paying bounties” said the coach. He continued, “I also want to make a promise to this team, the fans, and the city of New Orleans.. We will not get caught the next time this happens, which just in case your’e wondering when that will be, it’s the first game of next season. The second item I will address upon my return is a new steroid policy. We need to get our hands on some better stuff, and we will. I’m talking about the shit you have to order from Russia, or Germany, even Brazil. I’m talking ridiculous shit that no one in the United States would even touch. I saw last week that pussy, Lance Armstrong, said that his performance enhancing system was “sophisticated.” FUCK THAT! You haven’t seen anything yet! I want these players to be monsters. And I don’t just mean big muscles, I mean completely filthy, disgusting, piece of shit assholes who have basically no conscience. Just look at where we live. It’s time we represent the city of New Orleans properly. And what better way to do so than to become just like it? This place is disgusting and it’s a shame it hasn’t sunk into the Gulf yet. That’s how I want the rest of the league to view our players! It’s time to get back to what football is all about – getting as big and mean as necessary and using as many illegal drugs as necessary to get there. Specifically, it’s time to get back to what NEW ORLEANS SAINTS football is all about – winning a Super Bowl every 43 years, paying our players to injure other players, and bringing up a hurricane that happened years ago for absolutely no reason other than to play on your sympathy and say “hey remember what happened to our city a long time ago, our city and no one else’s. I am excited to be back as head coach of the New Orleans Saints.”

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - Terrible person and simply awful quarterback, Michael Vick, is having a terrible season so far, with 8 interceptions and 6 fumbles just six games into the season. The Eagles, however, seem to be stuck with him considering they foolishly signed him to a six year deal for $100 million, right? No. It has been reported that there is a clause in Vick’s contract that would allow the Eagles to kill him after the Super Bowl in February. Vick is currently making $15.5 million this season and the decision to extinguish his life could save that amount in cash PLUS $12.7 million in cap space for the Eagles next year. The window for the Eagles to do this, however, is a small one. If they do not kill him within three days after the Super Bowl, then he will be guaranteed $3 million. Obviously the Eagles organization has an important decision to make here. They should have a little more time to think about it, however, because they more than likely won’t have to spend time concerning themselves with those pesky things called playoffs. But that in itself is something that Vick is actually helping them with, because the reason they will not have to spend time thinking about the playoffs is because of his miserable quarterbacking performance. The Eagles will have a bye week this Sunday and head coach Andy Reid has said he wants to “shake everything up.” Does this mean a plan is in place on how exactly they will kill Michael Vick in February when their window to do so approaches. If so, hopefully it will be the cruelest and most  inhumane way possible – just off the top of my head, I’m thinking electrocution, drowning, maybe even hanging him as well – no particular reason we’re thinking that though.

Indianapolis, Indiana - Tom Brady’s wife, super model Gisele Bundchen, is placing the blame squarely on the Patriots receivers for the teams Super Bowl loss last night. “I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times. My husband cannot fucking throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time” she was heard saying.  She may indeed have a good point, as we saw key drops late in the game from receivers Wes Welker and Deion Branch. Another good point would be that she should keep her fucking mouth shut and stick to doing what has made her millions of dollars – showing her tits and ass to the world – NOT playing the role of football analyst! NFL receivers make their living catching footballs. You made your living helping guys jerk off! NFL receivers, though they make mistakes, they know about catching footballs. It is their business, it is their craft. The only balls you know about catching are the ones between men’s legs. Your business and craft is modeling underwear. The next time we need to catch a whack, we’ll look to you. As far as football analysis and opinion goes, we’ll look elsewhere for that.