New Orleans, Louisiana – The Super Bowl is here and ESPN officials are scrambling to try to reach their goal of talking about the Harbaugh family 500 times. They are close, currently sitting at 417 mentions in the last two weeks. Whether it be lame as fuck phrases like “Super-Baugh, or “Harbaugh Bowl” or stories of the Harbaughs’ mother and father, ESPN has found a way to remind us that the two brothers are coaching against each other on every show on the network – which there are really only about 4 shows, as Sportscenter comes on about 19 times a day. The day the 49ers and Ravens won their conference championships, ESPN reportedly set their goal of Harbaugh family references at 500, because, as one network official told us, “We’re ESPN. That’s what we do. We take a story and run it into the ground, so why change our strategy for the biggest game of the year?” With the game now only hours away, the network and its anchors will no doubt be working hard to reach their goal. Given the fact that they show the same highlights and same stories over and over and over again throughout a 24 hour period, they are expected to not only reach, but surpass their goal by tomorrow afternoon.

Bristol, Connecticut - First Take, ESPN’s show that features Stephen A Smith and Skip Bayless making arguments against each other that they don’t really believe themselves, has long been simply another lame, shitty show in the long line of lame, shitty shows that ESPN airs. As of yesterday, however, it has become so much more. It’s still a lame, shitty show, but thanks to Stephen A Smith, it’s now racial too. During yesterday’s fake debate on the topic of Kobe Bryant, Smith dropped a hard “N” on live television when making an argument that Bryant would not miss opening night because of a foot injury. Smith later denied using the word, saying that he “is a New Yorker and sometimes speaks too quickly.” Of course! It’s so obvious! Everyone knows that so many words in the English language sound like “the n word.” We get it. Just like there are a ton of words that we say everyday that sound like a certain homophobic slur that starts with a F. Of course Stephen A Smith deserves a pass on this one. Because not only is he loud, obnoxious, and condescending, but he also speaks too quickly. So quickly, in fact, that it sounds like he’s dropping hard N’s (this is the 2nd time he has done so on television, by the way.) But we are clearly not as educated as him, so we just didn’t understand what he said. Perhaps he could have easily cleared that up in his denial by telling us what he actually said…he did not. So maybe he did say it, maybe he didn’t (he did!) But don’t expect ESPN to fire him over this (and the last time he said it), because other than his fake debate show with Skeletor Skip Bayless, 8 hours of Mike And Mike, and the same episode of Sportscenter shown 9 times in a row, what else do they really have?

New York, New York - Jeremy Lin has risen from basketball obscurity to one of the hottest names in the NBA the past few days. Of course, that is going to happen when ESPN needs material to air during their 9 consecutive hours of the same show (Sportscenter.) Lin has been all over the network this week after seeing the most significent playing time of his career over the last three games, including the first two starts of his career. In those three games this week, he has averaged 25.3 points and 8.3 assists, all in wins. These games have New York Knicks fans more excited than they have been since Carmelo Anthony joined the team last season (how has that worked out, assholes?) It has them looking past the fact that those three games were against the dreadful Nets, the mediocre Jazz, and the pathetic, make you want to kill yourself and everyone in the arena, Wizards. Nevertheless, ESPN has taken what is actually a nice little story and covered it to death, made it out to be the greatest story ever, pointlessly compared the athlete to athletes from other sports, have endless debates about the player, and add such “creative” tag lines as “Linsanity” – you know, the usual thing the network does. Let’s get off the fact that ESPN always thinks they are so clever when the bulk of their programming is some of the lamest shit ever on television. Let us put the focus back on the Knicks, who are obviously poised to make a run to the playoffs and perhaps an NBA championship with the way they have been playing. Oh, wait, they are still 11-15 and fucking awful. The Knicks will face the Los Angeles Lakers tonight, a team that will provide Lin with his toughest challenge so far. Perhaps the biggest challenge in New York, however, will be how the foolish Knicks fans will deal with it when reality sets in that, though providing a spark now, Jeremy Lin’s performance will guide you to the playoffs or an NBA championship. Christ, it probably won’t even help you have a winning record when the regular season is over! Do not blame Lin when that happens, however. Do not blame ESPN for getting your hopes up. They just needed content for their increasingly terrible programming. There really will be no one to blame (except for the players, coaches, GM, and owner.) It’s just how it is. You are the Knicks…and you are bad. Just take comfort in the fact that you are not the Charlotte Bobcats

Bristol, Connecticut - Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck played his last college football game last night as his Stanford Cardinal lost to Oklahoma State in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. Luck will now take the next step in his career and enter the NFL draft. He is expected to be the number 1 pick in April, a pick that belongs to the Indianapolis Colts. However, it is now being discussed that once Luck is drafted, he will not actually have to play in the NFL, but rather immediately be inducted into the pro football hall of fame in Canton, Ohio. This according to ESPN draft expert with ridiculously terrible hair, Mel Kiper. The same is being said about Luck’s future by Todd McShay, Kirk Herbstreit, John Clayton, Trey Wingo, and every other football analyst at ESPN who have been telling us for over a year now that Luck will be a “franchise quarterback” and play for the next “12-15 years.” These future tellers have talked seemingly non stop on the 13 hours of the same Sportscenter that the station shows daily, as if it were fact, about how great Andrew Luck will be, all but guaranteeing a lengthy, extremely productive pro career that will rival that of Peyton Manning. And now, according to these same men (who must be the best psychics in the world), the quarterback should and will be eligible to forego his NFL career and instead immediately be enshrined in the pro football hall of fame. Mel Kiper and his abortion of a hair style is also reporting that Luck will not be subject to the five year eligibility period that pros have to wait for after retirement to join the hall of fame and will instead be enshrined the moment he is taken in the NFL draft on April 26th. ESPN will continue to tell us how great he is during the time he is not playing in the NFL and they will continue to do so nonstop. Their plan is to piece together clips of some of the greatest moments from the careers of Brett Favre, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Steve Young, and Joe Montana, but superimpose Luck’s head on their bodies to make it appear that these are highlights from games he actually played in.

Breaking news in to us as this piece was being prepared: Andrew Luck will also be given the same salary he would have earned if he were the top performing quarterback in the NFL consistently every season for 15 years – you know, the way the ESPN personalities tell us 35 times a day will happen.

Colorado Springs, Colorado - Christmas break is something that every kid looks forward to. Two weeks off from school to do…well, whatever you want to do – play, hang out wtih friends, go to the mall, or just do nothing at all. Kevin Sanders, a 15 year old high school freshman from Colorado Springs, is using his holidays to watch, as he puts it, an “epic” amount of porn. “Oh, it’s going to get sick” says Sanders. “I’m really using these two weeks to watch just an absurd amount of porn.” Sanders says it’s been a difficult semester so far adjusting to high school life. “It’s a whole new set of teachers, new rules, harder tests, and different kids” he explained. “It’s been a little stressful, so I’m just going to relax and watch a little porn….ok, a lot of porn….ok, actually, I’m honestly going to be watching just a shameful amount of porn. I’m talking like, from the time I get up until my parents get home from work at around 5:30.” Sanders says his original plan was to watch just his normal amount of porn (which is still a disturbing amount), but then as snow began to pour onto the Colorado Springs area earlier this week, he figured as long as he was going to be stuck indoors, he would need something to do. “I mean, sure, I could just watch regular TV, but have you seen the loose shit that’s on during the day?” he asked. He continued, “It’s either soap operas, or ESPN showing the same Sportscenter nine times, or According to Jim – which that show is only slightly less embarrassing than the extremely embarrassing amount of hardcore, barely legal pornography that I’m going to watch.” Sanders’ plan is to continue watching shocking amounts of porn through this week with a break over the weekend due to a personal “no pornography on Christmas” rule he has. He will then resume viewing outrageous amounts of porn on Monday and continue until 2012 arrives the following Sunday. He will then celebrate the first day of the new year by watching NFL football…..and more porn.

Bristol, Connecticut - Saturday morning, the words “Texas A&M to join SEC” scrolled across the bottom line on all of ESPN’s programming. The story first surfaced last summer with the rumors that they, along with Texas and Oklahoma, may indeed join other conferences, thus destroying the Big 12. Eventually, everything went back to normal and the Big 12 was still intact. But after those rumors, it was easy to believe the story this past weekend popping back up. The University of Texas has formed their own “Longhorn Network” and apparently, A&M is angry because of it. So much so, that they apparently wish to jump ship from the conference they share with the Longhorns. Setting aside the fact that Texas A&M sounds like a bunch of children crying to their mother after their big brother did something they didn’t like, the real issue here is that of ESPN reporting the story of A&M moving to the SEC as if it were FACT. The words again were “Texas A&M to join SEC.” Not “MAY join SEC” or “in talks with SEC” but “Texas A&M to join SEC.” And the words were reported 24 HOURS BEFORE THE SEC PRESIDENTS EVEN GATHERED TO DISCUSS THE MOVE! Once the discussion was actually held, the decision was basically a thanks, but no thanks, stating that they are happy with the current 12 team alignment, but “would not rule out future expansion.” So now the debate continues on whether or not Texas A&M will leave the Big 12 and if so, where to? And just to remind you, the reason they want to leave is because they are upset because the University of Texas has created their own “Longhorn Network.” Common sense would say that if you are angry about Texas creating the Longhorn network, then go create your own “Aggie Network.” Of course, common sense there tells us that no one would buy it…..seriously, no one would buy that! But perhaps the even bigger debate is now we are left to wonder if ESPN is getting into the fake news business. After reporting a story to be fact 24 hours before there was even a meeting about it, we have to assume that perhaps they are. But perhaps they should just leave that up to us and continue to do what they do best: show the exact same episode of Sportscenter twelve times a day. And if by reporting that story that didn’t actually happen, the weren’t actually trying to get into the fake news business, well then that is just bad reporting. And in that case, they would be no better than The Clarion Ledger, a second rate newspaper in Mississippi that is just awful.

Bristol, Connecticut – The Dallas Mavericks are the NBA champions. The Green Bay Packers are Super Bowl champions. These statements will soon be false…at least for 1 hour a day. Earlier today, ESPN announced that they will be changing things up at Sportscenter, the networks daily sports highlight show that they show repeatedly from 5 AM to 2 PM, and then on ESPNEWS from 2 PM to 5 PM (because hey, you just gotta see the highlights from an early June game between the Royals and Athletics 10 times, right?!) The changes proposed by the network will include changing the final scores of games played the previous evening on at least 1 airing of Sportscenter. But the changes do not stop there. Not only will the final score be altered, but on a minimum of one showing of Sportscenter per day, the highlights will be altered as well, to show a completely different team playing in that game. For example, this past February, the Green Bay Packers defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers to become Super Bowl Champions. Under these changes, the score could actually be reversed to tell us the Steelers won OR it could be completely changed and read that the Jacksonville Jaguars defeated the Washington Redskins to win the Super Bowl. The network is also reportedly toying with the idea of changing the stats from the games. For example: LeBron James’ struggles in the NBA finals against the Mavericks could very well not even exist for at least 1 hour a day, as the 21 points he scored in game 6 could be changed to 64 points as the show would tell us that the Heat won the NBA title by defeating the Washington Wizards. Many viewers were confused when network executives made these announcements this morning, others were intrigued. No matter what individual feelings may be, however, the general concensus remains the same…. “Why, ESPN, do you show THE SAME GOD DAMN SHOW for 9 consecutive hours EVERY day?!”