Indianapolis, Indiana – The NCAA announced a few new rule changes this week. Mind you, these were not rule changes on things such as discipline, grades, behavior, or even anything addressing the NCAA’s own crooked employees. They were, however, incredibly important rules like no hashtag in your endzone. Another states that the numbers on a jersey must contrast the uniform color. And perhaps one of the most pressing mattters facing college football was also addressed in these changes when it was stated that all towels used by players must be solid white. Finally! The color of towels has been affecting the quality of the game for far too long. And hashtags? Oh, that shit’s for the devil! The thinking is that it is a form of advertising. It simply would not be fair for a certain school to be advertising or making more money….unless the NCAA is getting a portion of it. It’s really all about the integrity of the game. You know, like the integrity shown by NCAA investigators who are paid by those representing the very people are investigating.

Oxford, Mississippi – March Madness is upon us. The NCAA tournament begins tomorrow with some loose play in games that the NCAA and media want to convince us are “1st round” games, with “2nd round” games to be played Thursday and Friday. Looking past that load of horse shit and knowing that Thursday is actually the beginning of the 1st round, we profile one such player involved in those games: Guard Marshall Henderson of the Ole Miss Rebels. After a regular season full of ups and downs and Mississippi’s shitty local newspaper, The Clarion Ledger, writing about wins against teams like Texas A&M (7-11) and Georgia (9-9) like they were school girls gushing over Justin Bieber, Ole Miss shocked almost everybody yesterday when they defeated Florida to win the SEC tournament. In doing so, they secured an automatic bid and are scheduled to get fucked where they stand by Wisconsin on Friday in the “2nd round” of the NCAA tournament. The Rebels were led this season by Henderson, who was arrested in 2010 when he was caught buying weed with $800 worth of counterfeit money. He then spent 25 days in jail last spring for violating his parole when he tested positive for alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine. As the Rebels guided their way through an extremely mediocre SEC, Henderson was, without a doubt, the leader of the team. And after a breakout season which saw him do things like popping his jersey after beating 3-15 Auburn, give the Ole Miss “landshark” hand sign, which we previously thought was just some stupid shit their football team did, and various other ridiculous acts to try to make himself forget he’s just a white kid who won’t be making it in the NBA, he is now, without a doubt, the biggest douchebag in all of college basketball. Henderson, the Rebels, and head coach Andy Kennedy (who, let’s never forget, shouted racial slurs at a cab driver) will play Wisconsin early Friday and will be taking a plane back to Mississippi mid afternoon after they lose that game.

Jackson, Mississippi - Today is national signing day in the world of college football. A day that provides both hope and disappointment for coaches, bragging rights and shame for fans, and the start of an adventure, an education, and hopefully a future career for the athletes (unless they decide to throw their lives away by playing for West Virginia.) These days, winning signing day has become almost as big as winning the national championship. A surprise team seems to winning signing day so far, and it is the same team who surprised many on the field last season: Ole Miss. The Rebels kicked off the day by getting a commitment from the #1 recruit in the country, DE/pussy whose mom makes all of his decisions for him, Robert Nkemdiche. Ole Miss then received commitments from the numbers 1 and 3 offensive tackle in the nation, Laremy Tunsil and Austin Golson. As if that wasn’t enough, the team had already received a commitment from number 1 receiever, Laquon Treadwell. Add in another major commitment from safety Antonio Conner, who was named “Mr. Football” in the state of Mississippi – though it is just an award given by the Mississippi’s shitty newspaper, The Clarion Ledger. So far, Ole Miss is ranked as high as 6 in national recruiting class rankings, something that will no doubt have their fans jumping for joy. Those same fans will, of course, be crying when the NCAA begins to investigate them for their recruiting tactics that have allowed them to get all of this top talent. However, as of now, Rebels’ fake christian head coach, Hugh Freeze says they are simply working hard and doing things the right way. Other top classes so far include the usual suspects: Florida, Notre Dame, Ohio State, and Alabama, who receieved a commitment yesterday from yet another 5 star player, linebacker Reuben Foster, who originally committed to Alabama only to decommit, then commit to Auburn, get an Auburn tatoo, then decommit from Auburn and commit again to the Crimson Tide. So in a class full of young, dumb, arrogant assholes, most of whom will never live up to the enormous hype that surrounds them, Foster seems to be the biggest asshole of them all. He is a true example of what national signing day is all about: building nothing out of something.

Tuscaloosa, Alabama - Early in 2011, the University of Alabama unveiled a statue of head football coach Nick Saban outside of Bryant-Denny Stadium. Since then, the Crimson Tide have won 2 national championships, something that, as of this morning, has Saban calling for a second statue. Reports began to surface late last night after Alabama’s 42-14 dismantling of Notre Dame, that Saban demanded a second statue of himself be constructed and placed directly in front of the first one. However, Saban was very specific about the details of this one. Some of those specifics are that he wants this statue placed exactly 3 yards away and facing the first, because according to Saban, he “wants this statue to be able to admire the greatness that is Nick Saban.” Another demand Saban had for the new statue was that he wanted a much larger bulge constucted in the crotch region because, once again, according to the coach himself, “I swing a big dong, and other people and other Nick Saban statues need to know that.” The university has reportedly already begun drawing up the plans and are set to begin erecting the statue next week. Saban, who has now won three national championships at Alabama, has already stated that he plans to win four more at the school, which would allow him to pass the legendary coach Bear Bryant and the six he won for the Crimson Tide. According to Saban, after that happens, he wants the original Nick Saban statue AND the Bear Bryant statue melted down together, then used to create an even larger “Super Saban” statue, which Saban says will be “about a foot taller and an even larger bulge… like, huge.”

Tuscaloosa, Alabama - Many Alabama fans have reportedly begun using recordings of last night’s BCS national championship game against Notre Dame in the place of porn. Apparently, the way that the Crimson Tide completely demolished the Irish had these fans so aroused, that they have already begun playing the game back on their DVRs and pleasuring themselves to it. A small number of them are reportedly playing the game back, pausing it during shots of AJ McCarron’s girlfriend, and catching whacks that way, which is completely understandable. The bulk of them, however, are jerking off to the actual game itself, aroused by an 18 yard run up the middle by Eddie Lacy, engorged by a 34 yard pass down the sideline to Amari Cooper. At this time, the game is being considered a form of fetish porn, as these people are basically jerking off while watching rape take place.

Miami, Florida - When polled last month about who they would rather see win tonight’s BCS national championship game between Alabama and Notre Dame, college football fans were extremely divided. 53 percent said they wanted to see the Crimson Tide win while 47 percent said they wanted to see the Irish come away with a victory. In the most dramatic shift in history, new polls have 100 percent of college football fans polled in favor of Alabama in tonight’s big game. This comes on the heels of ESPN personality Lou Holtz stating that he would kill himself if Notre Dame were to lose this game. Researchers have said there is no one reason for such a shift after Holtz’ vow to meet demise at his own hands if the Irish lose, instead concluding that there are most likely numerous reasons. According to those researchers, those reasons include the fact that because he was the coach of Notre Dame, he is such a homer that he is many times blinded to reality, he is just an old senile fuck who gets lost in his own thoughts while trying to talk about college football, and that it is absolutely excrutiating to listen to him spit all over the place as he talks, so much so that it makes me want to kill myself just listening to him, so better him leave this earth than me

College Station, Texas - Moments after becoming the first freshman in history to win the Heisman, Johnny Manziel said that he plans to alter the trophy slightly by making the outstretched hand of the trophy display a middle finger. “It’s really just a message to all of the assholes who didn’t vote for me simply because I’m a freshman. It’s also kind of a message to a few past winners like Matt Leinart, who shouldn’t have won it over Adrian Peterson, also Cam Newton, whose records, and hopefully pride, I destroyed.” Peterson, who should have won it over Leinart in 2004, did not because he also was a freshman at the time, and many foolish voters refused to vote for him based on that. As for Newton, not only did Manziel break his record for all time yardage in a season in the SEC, but Manziel received no money while doing it, while Newton was paid $180,000 to be the quarterback at Auburn his Heisman year. It is also likely that the new middle finger on Manziel’s trophy will be toward Heisman runner up, Manti Te’o, as a way of saying “guess what, asshole, the Heisman isn’t given out just because you have a sad story and you happen to play for a team that still gets blown by the media for being good 25-50 years ago.” It can also be seen as another message from Maziel to Te’o that “You just got fucked where you stand by an SEC quarterback, get ready for it to happen again on January 7th.”

Auburn, Alabama - New head football coach, Gus Malzahn got off a plane this morning and stepped onto familiar territory. Malzahn was the offensive coordinator at Auburn just two years ago when the Tigers and Cam Newton won the national championship. Fans were waiting for him as he stopped off of that plane, cheering, applauding, completely excited over the idea of what Malzahn may bring back to Auburn. The problem with that theory, however, is that Cam Newton is no longer there. In Newton, the Tigers had the absolute best quarterback money could buy, but with Auburn now dealing with paying a new coach AND still paying former coach Gene Chizik, they are left with very little money to go out and buy another quarterback of his caliber. The larger problem, however, is not who is on their team or who is the coach of their team. It is who is on the other SEC team in the state and who coaches that team. That, of course, being the University of Alabama, and Nick Saban. Fans quickly realized this as they all began to dissipate and joy turned to sadness. It was as if all at once, they realized that it doesn’t matter who may be called COACH of Auburn, Nick Saban is the OWNER.

Gainesville, Florida - The Missouri Tigers’ first year in the SEC has not been an easy one. Since defensive tackle Sheldon Richardson referred to Georgia as “old man football” and saying that as long as his Tigers executed, that “nobody in the league can touch us,” every team in the league has fucked them where they stand. The Tigers sit at 1-5 in the SEC, with their lone win coming against Kentucky….which does not technically count due to the fact that IT’S FUCKING KENTUCKY! For Christ’s sake, even Arkansas beat Kentucky 49-7 and that team is incredibly loose butthole! Missouri had a chance to upset Florida yesterday, trailing by only 7 in the final minute, but quarterback James Franklin threw an interception in the endzone, one of his 4 on the day. The Tigers will take on Tennessee this week before a home game against Syracuse then wrapping up their season with a road trip to College Station to get completely fucked where they stand by Johnny Manziel and Texas A&M.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana - It was thrilling finish in a stadium packed with rude, obnoxious, drunk assholes and whores. Alabama, whose offense had gone cold the entire second half scored a go ahead touchdown with 51 seconds to go and defeated LSU 21-17. This ending gave LSU fans yet another reason to hate Alabama, as if this rivalry needed even more bad feelings than it has already produced. For anybody outside of the SEC region, it may be hard to grasp just how intense the dislike is between the two teams. To put it in perspective: As much as LSU fans HATE Alabama, Alabama LOVES fucking their sisters just as much, if not more. It’s well known how much men love fucking their sisters in Alabama. It’s like they can’t get enough of it. So take that same amount of love, but turn it to hate. Then you have an idea of how much LSU hates Alabama