Los Angeles, California - Soccer superstar David Beckham announced today that he will retire from the sport so he would be able to devote more time to being dangerously handsome. Beckham, who is 38, has played for some of the premiere teams in the country, such as Manchester United, Real Madrid, and helped bring a massive buzz to the sport in the United States when he signed with the Los Angeles Galaxy. It was not until his time with the Galaxy that Beckham realized that his handsomeness contained a little something extra. As he recently told one reporter, “Many people in the world are handsome, but there are very few that are so handsome that they are in constant risk of causing danger to themselves or others. That is the definition of being dangerously handsome, and that is what I am blessed wtih, but also burdened by.” Beckham had recently signed a short term deal with Paris St.-Germain, and after 9 appearances with the club, announced today his intentions to retire, releasing an official statement that read “I’m thankful to P.S.G. for giving me the opportunity to continue, but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, with my handsomeness at the highest level.” Do not expect Beckham to simply sit around and do nothing now that he is retired. He has already hinted that he plans on perhaps forming an incredibly exclusive club of dangerously handsome people, and rumors have already begun to swirl that the first call he makes may be actor Ryan Reynolds. This is certainly a story we will be following.

Los Angeles, California - Details have been emerging all morning about an elaborate scheme executed by Ryan Reynolds and John Mayer last night that allowed the actor and musician to brobang many girls whose fears were heightened by talk that the world would be coming to an end. Many females reported waking up Friday morning to find gigantic cracks in their streets and a few telephone poll fallen to the ground. Thinking it was just a standard earthquake, the women continued as if it were any other day. Blocks away, traffic lights were out and traffic was at a stand still at almost every intersection. It is at this point that one of the girls’ says that a stretch hummer came racing down the street, hopping curbs and driving down sidewalks. It was Ryan Reynolds an John Mayer. The two got out and began alerting many of the females in the traffic jam that the end of the world was indeed happening and that massive earthquakes were happening and that the best thing to do would be to come to their “doomsday home” as they called it. Reynolds and Mayer told them they call it their doomsday home because it was build to handle anything. All together, 11 women jumped into their stretch hummer and away they went. One there, Mayer insisted on having cocktails but Reynolds was reportedly nowhere to be found. Seconds later, they began seeing large balls of fire fall from the sky. As the women became more and more frightened, Mayer told them to “let the fear and cocktails guide you through this.” It was at this time that a completely nude Ryan Reynolds appeared back in the room….no one was sure why he was nude. The girls’s confusion and fear grew even more when the walls began to crack and there were large banging noises coming from the outside. Witnesses say that the next 7-10 hours were just a blur of cocktails, fear, and Mayer and Reynolds high fiving each other. All 11 girls woke up with no clothes on this morning and Mayer and Reynolds were nowhere to be found. It was not until they all returned to their homes and saw that no other places in the city suffered any damage, that they were able to piece together what happened. Apparently, two nights before, Mayer and Reynolds went to work with a jack hammer on the streets and an axe to the telephone polls on these girls’ streets. They then had a friend at the department of safety turn off all street lights for a period of 20 minutes, long enough for them to arrive. Once at their “doomsday home,” the falling balls of fire that the girls reported seeing was actually just Ryan Reynolds standing on the roof lighting pieces of newspaper with a lighter and throwing it past the windows. Once Reynolds and Mayer were both back in the home with the women, the final noises they heard and the walls cracking turned out to be David Lee Roth outside hitting the walls repeatedly with a sledge hammer. All the women are said to be safely at home. Reynolds and Mayer, who are notorious for carrying out brobangs (though none this elaborate), are nowhere to be found. Nor is David Lee Roth, who we are not sure at this time, how he came to be involved.

Los Angeles, California - Actor Ryan Reynolds will deliver the first ever State of the Dangerously Handsome Union address tonight. The speech was originially scheduled to be given by the president of the Dangerously Handsome club, David Beckham, but he has prior engagements in England. Beckham did say via telephone, however, that he has “all the confidence in the world” in Reynolds, who is the vice president of the DHC. It will be the first annual speech given by the newly formed DH party and will mainly focus on informing the world of the burdens that accompany being so handsome that it is literally a danger to others. Reynolds is also likely to speak on the strict requirements of being dangerously handsome (ex. striking features, luxurious hair, etc.) It is expected to be a bit of a confrontational speech, as Reynolds will sternly warn the public that if you do not possess the kind of handsomeness that is so mezmorizing that it may, in fact, cause physical or mental anguish, then you do not belong to the dangerously handsome. That is merely a small amount, however, of what is expected to be discussed at the podium tonight. The speech, which will be delivered at 8:00 P.M. EST is penned by members of the dangerously handsome organization such as Beckham, Reynolds, 1987 Kip Winger, 1996 Shawn Michaels, and Rob Lowe.

Bridgeport, Connecticut - Today musician, John Mayer, became the latest inductee into the Poon Hall of Fame. Since 2002 when Mayer burst onto the scene with his song “No Such Thing” he has been romantically linked to numerous quality actresses and musicians. Keep in mind that when we say quality, we don’t mean that these womens’ movies and/or music is any good, we mean quality tail. Another thing to keep in mind is that when we say “romantically linked to” we mean Mayer more than likely just performed outrageous, unspeakable sexual acts on them and then left, because that’s what John Mayer does. The following is a list of some of Mayer’s rumored conquests:

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jessica Simpson

Jennifer Aniston

Minka Kelly

Taylor Swift

Kesha

Some of these women, in an attempt to sound less whorish than some of them are, may deny they slept with Mayer, that they simply dated. Be that as it may, we will just go ahead and assume that Mayer had his way with them, because he’s JOHN FUCKING MAYER! Besides, Kesha just looks like a complete whore, so you know that one has to be true. And Taylor Swift even wrote a song about being hurt by Mayer. Of course, what relationship has Swift ever had that she didn’t write a fucking song about?! Oh, John Mayer hurt you? Well take a number, because that’s what John Mayer does! He crushes P and breaks hearts! What he doesn’t do is apologize for it. Nor should he. He’s out there brobanging alongside the likes of Ryan Reynolds! So congratulations to John Mayer on his induction. He becomes only the second member inducted so far, along with Scott Baio.

Los Angeles, California - Actor Ryan Reynolds and musician John Mayer have been teaming up to brobang girls for close to 8 months now and have decided that a massive celebration is in order. With that in mind, they are hosting the first annual 4th of July Brofest Brobang Bonanza this weekend at Reynolds’ home. Neither man could be reached for comment but each of them did release statements, with Reynolds saying that there is no better time than this weekend to celebrate both America and brobangs. Mayer’s statement echoed the sentiments of Reynolds and said that they thought the best way to celebrate both America and brobangs is to combine them into one massive party. They then released details of the celebration. Here are a few of the things that will be taking place:

* A used condom (which Mayer referred to as a dongbag) stacking contest

* A raw hamburger eating contest – which will be between 2 random people at the party that are chosen by Reynolds and Mayer

* A 21 whack salute to the late Farrah Fawcett

* A bonfire where Mr. Mayer will share stories of his many sexual conquests and provide detailed personal and downright shameful information about said conquests (e.g. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Aniston)

* A special brobang themed fireworks show – this will simply be Mr. Reynolds and Mr. Mayer firing off roman candles as they have sex with random women in attendance

The two gentleman also said there would be “loose cougars” at the party. They did not specify, however, if this meant slutty older women looking for younger men, or if there will in fact be ferocious mountain lions roaming around the property. It was also stated that any men wishing to attend the party are welcome to do so, but must be prepared at any moment for Double R and JM to walk up to you, push you to the floor, call you a nerd, then take the girl you are with and brobang her. All in all, this celebration seems to be shaping up to be quite the extravaganza. Festivities will begin at 7:30 this evening and are scheduled to end next Friday – because while everyone else plans a 3 day weekend, Ryan Reynolds and John Mayer settle for no less than 6 consecutive days of sleepless partying, for, as the two men say – That is the PERFECT amount of time for females to become sleep deprived and therefore make rash decisions.

Bloomington, Minnesota - Handwritten journals taken by US Navy SEALs in the raid of Osama Bin Laden’s compound on May 1st show that the Al Qaeda leader was calling for followers to plan an attack on the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. He wrote of attacking not only planes, but trains in smaller cities than that of New York. His writings show him contemplating how many Americans an attack would have to kill to convince the US to withdraw from the Arab world. One entry said that it would require an attack with a body count of thousands to do so, and apparently, that is just what Bin Laden had begun scheming before his brains were splattered across a room by the Navy SEALs. The journal is also said to contain a 3 page plan of exactly when and where to attack. The date: September 11, 2011 – the 10 year anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy. The place: Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota – a 4.2 million square foot mall with 520 stores, rides, and other attractions inside. The mall is said to have an average of 100,000 visitors per day. Bin Laden apparently saw this as the perfect opportunity for the American body count he had written about and planned to pounce. Below is a word for word entry taken from the journal explaining the reasoning behind the location:

“I have heard of this Mall of America, this monument of American consumerism. Over 100,000 of these western devils visit this place every day, exchanging their money for goods, clothing, and food. I say horse shit! You know what I am wearing? A robe that I made myself! You know what I am eating? A goat that I had to kill and roast over a fire last night! Have you ever eaten fire roasted goat?! It is fucking disgusting! And I don’t think it was fully cooked, I believe I have worms. Death to the Americans! Ok, enough about the goat… But I would kill for some Denny’s! I mean it, I would LITERALLY have someone killed for some Denny’s! Oh, there I go again…Ok, onto the plan…… The Mall of America – with so many people in one place, it is the perfect target. Plus, we will strike on a Sunday, prime shopping day, and in September, there will be great sales going on as well. We will need 2 or 3 male volunteers and 1 female volunteer. These volunteers will each be wearing a powerful explosive device on them. On September the 11, 2011, they will travel to the Mall. The first thing they will do is locate the food court and report back to me directly to confirm whether or not there is an Orange Julius, because I’m not sure if those still exist. I used to love those things! After confirmation of the Orange Julius status, they will then walk to center court, where the gentleman will initiate a brobang on the one woman. A large crowd will then gather wondering just what the hell is going on. Once a large enough crowd has gathered, both men, in mid thrust, will detonate their explosive devices, which should be powerful enough to take out up to 1,300 onlookers….that figure may be slightly off because I had to do the math on a rock…. I live in fucking Pakistan for Christ’s sake, it’s not like we have calculators!”

The next 2 pages of the journal entry were simply drawings of the bomb vest he wished for the volunteers to wear and doodles of 3 men having sex with 1 woman and the words “EXPLOSIVE BROBANG” jotted above them. It is unclear whether or not Osama Bin Laden was panning to accompany these volunteers. One would think he would not risk such travel due to security, but the picture he had drawn of himself watching the “explosive brobang” while sipping from a cup that said Orange Julius and holding an Abercrombie and Fitch bag makes officials think that perhaps he was indeed planning on traveling to the mall. Thankfully, this plan is now cancelled. But US officials are warning everyone from airports, to train stations, to now even shopping malls, to keep their eyes open for any mysterious activity happening around them, ESPECIALLY brobangs…..unless, of course, it is Ryan Reynolds and John Mayer brobanging some female shopper. They reserve the right for that to take place at any moment in any location.

Jackson, Mississippi - No, the movie did not set the box office record for highest grossing opening weekend for a super hero movie. Even with it’s massive 66 million dollar opening this past weekend, Thor was about 92 million short of the 2008 opening of The Dark Knight. It did, however, directly lead to the star of the movie, Chris Hemsworth, setting a record of his own. The 27 year old Australian born actor slept with 17 different girls over the weekend, giving him the all time pussy crushing record for the star of a movie during it’s opening weekend. He easily surpassed the record set by Leonardo DiCaprio with the 1997 release of Titanic, when he had sex with 11 girls in the film’s first 3 days. When asked about Hemsworth taking his record from him, DiCaprio was understanding, saying that “it’s a different time, girls are bigger whores now than they have ever been.” DiCaprio then wished Hemsworth luck and even encouraged him to strive to set an even higher record by having sex with more women when he returns to star in The Avengers, which is due out in 2012. Hemsworth’s new record may not last long, however. It is expected to be challenged by Ryan Reynolds(currently third on the list, having banged 9 girls during the opening weekend of his 2009 film, The Proposal) when The Green Lantern hits theaters in June. When asked if he is worried about being dethroned so soon, Hemsworth admitted being concerned, saying that “Ryan has a great physique and is dangerously handsome. I added 20 pounds of muscle to my physique for Thor and that is definitely what propelled me to the record this past weekend. Girls are becoming bigger whores by the week and they love good bodies. Given that, I definitely expect Ryan to challenge me later this summer. No worries though, mate.” We will not have to wait long to see if Reynolds does indeed take over the top spot from Hemsworth, as The Green Lantern opens in just over a month on June 17th. But until then, Chris Hemsworth has said that he will enjoy the success he has found with Thor…and use that success to thrust himself into as many women as humanly possible.

Santa Monica, California - An 8.9 magnitude earthquake rocked Japan overnight, sending massive tsunami waves through the streets, leaving a path of destruction in it’s wake. So powerful was this earthquake, that the resulting tsunami waves are expected to reach the coast of California sometime in the next 30 minutes or so. With such a limited amount of time, actor Ryan Reynolds has begun moving very quickly to organize an emergency beach brobang. For those unfamiliar with a brobang, it is when 2 or more men, usually good friends (bros) join forces to have sex with 1 girl. It is well documented that Reynolds has been brobanging alongside musician John Mayer for months now, with rumors swirling that it was an unwanted brobang on Scarlett Johansson that caused the actress to file for divorce from Reynolds. It is said the actor has been chronicling his brobangs as of late and is very proud of them, but recently wished to add more of a sense of danger to them. That is why as soon as he heard the news of the approaching tsunami waves, he quickly began contacting Mayer, reportedly telling him to “get a girl and get your ass down to the beach for a danger bang.” It is being reported that Mayer obliged and had no problem finding a willing participant once he mentioned Ryan Reynolds was involved – after all, it’s Ryan Reynolds for Christ’s sake! Last reported the emergency beach brobang is said to take place within the hour on Newport Beach. Officials are urging Mr. Reynolds and Mr. Mayer not to hold this brobang, for it carries extreme implications of danger.