New York, New York - The New York Jets continued to show that they don’t know what they are doing when they used the 39th pick in the draft to select quarterback Geno Smith out of West Virginia. Smith will now join Mark Sanchez, Greg McElroy, Tim Tebow, David Garrard, and Matt Sims as the largest collection of shitty quarterbacks to ever be a part of one team. Smith comes in with great fanfare after a stellar college career. It should also be noted that career was full of games against opponents such as Uconn, Marshall, Pittsburg, South Florida, etc. Smith was a lock to win the Heisman trophy last season after winning his first five games while throwing 24 touchdowns and 0 interceptions. He then threw 5 interceptions in his next 5 games, all of which were losses by West Virginia, proving how moronic it is to declare someone a Heisman winner after 5 games. Overall though, Smith’s star shined bright throughout his college career, as he feasted on defenses more times than not….in the Big East and Big 12 – two conferences known for their shitty defenses. It will certainly be an interesting offseason in New York as Rex Ryan and company will try to sift through this massive pile of QBs and see which one of these pieces of shit floats to the top.

Arlington, Texas - Jerry Jones wanted to get a jump on his April fools day prank. He did just that last Friday as he gave quarterback Tony Romo a 6 year extension worth $180 million, including $55 million guaranteed. In doing so, he pulled the ultimate prank on Cowboys fans everywhere by making them believe that Romo is an elite quarterback who deserves such elite money. Jones, who is apparently a huge fan of pranks, had been setting up this April Fools joke for months, as he began making claims months ago that Tony Romo is “capable of big things.” Perhaps by “big things,” he means doubling Romo’s career playoff wins to two in the next 7 years. Perhaps those “big things” are not having 3 or 4 interception games multiple times during a season. Whatever his delusional thinking is, Jones and the Cowboys have certainly played quite the memorable prank this April Fools day, guaranteeing Tony Romo $55 million, thus guaranteeing the Cowboys will not win a Super Bowl for at least the next 6 years.

New York City - Former Texas A&M quarterback Ryan Tannehill was taken 8th overall by the Miami Dolphins tonight, thus completing his journey from being an overrated shitty NFL prospect to now becoming an overrated shitty NFL quarterback. After posting an unimpressive 29 touchdowns and 15 interceptions last season and leading his Aggies to an unimpressive 7-6 record, Tannehill’s name somehow began being thrown around as a potential top 10 pick. Of course, it’s easy to see why he was so highly rated after finishing his senior season tied for 4th in the Big 12 for touchdown passes (out of 10 teams, playing against shitty defenses) and tied for the most interceptions by any quarterback in the conference. Shortly after the poor decision was made to draft Tannehill, the Dolphins have released a statement saying that they are “clearly not fans of having a good quarterback start for our team” and that “we are, and will continue to be, completely focused on wasting high draft picks.”

New York City - After months and months of having Andrew Luck shoved down our throats by people like the assholes at ESPN, the former Stanford quarterback was finally taken first overall by the Indianapolis Colts tonight. The unfortunate looking Luck becomes the first manbearpig ever to be taken in the NFL draft. It was just discovered at the combine earlier this year that Luck was indeed a manbearpig, as it was previously thought that he just had an incredibly unfortunate looking face. Being the first MBP could put even more pressure on Luck as he is already expected to be a hall of fame type quarterback according to jackasses like Mark Schlereth, Mel Kiper, Merril Hoge, and others at the increasingly lame ESPN, who make statements like “Luck is going to be a franchise quarterback in the NFL for the next 10-12 years” as if it’s not even an opinion, but fact. Really? That good for that long, huh? Guess what takes care of that……one shot to the knee. So maybe you should back off such statements. To Luck’s credit, he has seemingly not bought into all of this pathetically ridiculous and unending hype that ESPN has crammed down our throats since the kid was a sophomore in college. He seems to remain humble throughout, saying only that he is “thankful for the opportunity” and that “can’t wait to get that first NFL paycheck so I can do something about this unfortunate face of mine.”

Indianapolis, Indiana - Now that the Peyton Manning/Indianapolis Colts saga is over, the quarterback is free to pursue other options. Many think those options include the Dolphins, Redskins, or possibly the New York Jets. Peyton, however, is reportedly considering another option – hardcore gay pornography. The veteran QB has apparently already received numerous offers in the few hours since the story broke that he and the Colts would be parting ways. Manning’s agent, Tom Condon, has confirmed that he has several finished scripts sitting on his desk that have been written specifically for his client. Condon explains that he really did not know what kind of scripts they were until he opened them, but found what he saw to be very unsettling. What he saw were pages and pages of dialogue from yet to be filmed movies titled “Man on Manning,” “Taking One FROM The Team,” and “Hot Route-Backdoor Up The Middle: The Erotic Career Of Peyton Manning” just to name a few. Manning has made no public comments and will not do so until a press conference tomorrow afternoon. Sources say he is carefully weighing all of his options, including a journey into gay pornography if he so desires, if for nothing else than to make Colts owner Jim Irsay extremely uncomfortable. Just look at that asshole. You can tell he’s the type of guy that likes to have a few drinks and start making hate filled homophobic comments..probably racial slurs too!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - Eagles quarterback, Michael Vick, said yesterday that the term “dream team” is no more in Philadelphia. The overrated athlete who just happens to be playing quarterback but is not actually a good quarterback, told reporters that “dream team….that word is dead.” Also dead are the dogs that Vick murdered by hanging, electrocuting, and drowning them. The Eagles started this season with extremely high expectations after signing a collection of free agents such as Nnamdi Asomugha, Ronnie Brown, Jason Babin, Cullen Jenkins, Steve Smith, and Vince Young. Not surprisingly, it was the dumbest one on this list, Vince Young, that then made the “dream team” statement when referring to the Eagles. The team has since started 1-3. But don’t blame Young. Just look at the guy’s face! That alone should have told the team to not let him talk to reporters of any kind. For Christ’s sake, the guy scored a 6 on his wonderlic test! But thanks to the backup quarterback with a forehead the size of a movie screen, the rest of the team is now feeling the pressure, including Michael Vick, who has decided to deal with the pressure in the best way he knows how: having animals fight each other. In fact, he has decided that since he can’t have a dream team on the field, he has created what he says is a dream team dog fighting ring. In fact, he has even brought in Vince Young to help him train the defenseless animals that Vick will eventually kill because he is a terrible person who somehow has people fooled into thinking he is a changed man and a good quarterback – both of which are false. “He’s really put together some good looking dogs, man” said Vince Young as he ate some sort of homemade chicken on a stick – which as actually boneless chicken wings that was eating off of a gun (we told you this son of a bitch wasn’t quite right.) Young continued by saying that “It’s good to see Mike smile, man, because this is what he loves – having dogs fight then killing the one who loses. Hey man, you got a sugar cube you can feed me? My face looks like a horse so I like to eat like one, man.”

So who really is to blame for the Eagles slow start? Is it Vick? Is it Young? Or is it head coach, Andy Reid, who has put the fate of his team in the hands of one quarterback who kills dogs and another one that is clearly so stupid, that he probably doesn’t even know what sound a dog makes? Nobody knows right now. At the quarter point of the season, Eagles fans are looking for answers to these questions. The only question we are looking for an answer to is if the NFL can somehow get some pads and helmet made special for Michael Vick that actually protect him LESS? Because our “dream team” is a collection of injuries for him. Some ribs, a broken neck, maybe a severe head injury..

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – One week after leaving a game against the Falcons with a concussion, Michael Vick was forced to leave today’s game with an injury yet again. This time, it was a broken hand. The injury was suffered in the third quarter when the quarterback was hit by Giants defensive tackle, Chris Canty. The dog murdering QB claims that it was a late hit that was never called. “Every time I throw the ball, I’m on the ground” Vick said after the game. “And I don’t know why I don’t get the 15-yard flags like everybody else does.” Vick has a point, as we have seen other quarterbacks such as Tom Brady and Peyton Manning get the calls in similar situations. However, those men have also never electrocuted a dog. Nor have they held a dogs head under water and beat him. After the game, Vick made his feelings known about the late hits he feels he’s been taking, saying ”I was trying to protect myself, still didn’t get a flag and that’s pretty much been the story for the last three weeks. I mean, obviously at some point something catastrophic is going to happen and I broke my hand.” And catastrophic it is…. Catastrophic that he only broke his hand and not his neck. The season is still young, however. And given the frequency with which Vick gets injured, we can still keep our fingers crossed, as we have 13 more chances to see him hopefully fracture his spinal cord. The Eagles will perform a CT scan on Monday. Vick did, however, find one positive about the injury, saying that since the injury is to his right hand, he will still have his left hand free to murder dogs.

Oxford, Mississippi – After three laughable quarterback performances to open the season, Ole Miss head coach, Houston Nutt, announced this morning that there will be a new player starting at the position next week as the team takes on the Georgia Bulldogs. “We’ll be starting a plumber next week at QB, everybody” Nutt said as he opened his press conference. “He’s been with us for a while now. He hasn’t played in a pretty long time, but it can’t get much worse than the assholes we got out there now.” The announcement left fans scratching their heads as they searched through their media guides for anyone with the last name Plumber currently on the roster. This player, however, will not be found in any media guide as, until the moment of Nutt’s press conference, this person was not even a player. Nutt did not actually mean a man by the name of Plumber, he meant that the Rebels..or blackbears…or whatever the hell they call themselves… are actually playing a plumber who has often fixed toilets and sinks at the school. The man’s name is Fred Davis and has been a plumber in the Oxford area for over eight years. “I think this is a good move for this team” said Nutt. Fred’s got a lot of experience at flushing turds down the drain, and you look at our current quarterbacks…Barry Brunetti, Zack Stoudt, Randall Mackey…bunch of turds that need flushing. This is going to be a positive for this team to help us build on the rest of the season.” The immediate reaction of the fans appeared to be panic upon the announcement of the new quarterback who is not actually a quarterback. After a little investigating, however, it appears Davis actually does have experience at the position, as he quarterbacked his 7th grade team to state runner up in 1998, just before he dropped out of junior high school….however, he has not thrown a football since that time. He then received his GED on his fourth try in 2003 then learned his current trade as a plumber. Although expectations will certainly not be very high, Davis admitted that he will still feel pressure to perform well for the Rebels. As well he should, as for the last 7 years, the Rebels (sorry, Blackbears) have treated their quarterbacks like they were going to be the second coming of Jesus Christ, i.e. Brent Shaeffer, Jevan Snead, and Jeremiah Masoli. And in an ironic twist, all of these men will soon be looking to the new Rebels QB for training on how to be a plumber, as that is how well their football “careers” have worked out for them. But Fred Davis is not looking at the past, he focuses now on the future and this week against Georgia, because as he tells us, “I know how I have to perform this week. I must be flawless, because I know this opportunity could be gone just as fast as it came….seriously, I know that because word is that coach Nutt already has his eye on a local pizza delivery guy to come in and take some snaps next week.”

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – Early last evening, Michael Vick agreed to a brand brand new 6 year/100 million dollar contract with the Philadelphia Eagles. The deal comes off the heels of Vick’s most productive season ever, prompting the team to waste no time in making the dog killer one of the highest paid quarterbacks in the NFL. Vick threw for a career high 21 touchdowns last season and ran for almost 700 yards, making him a double threat. When you factor in the fact that there is also the threat that he could decide to murder a dog at any moment, the QB is actually a triple threat. Philadelphia fans must keep in mind, however, that Vick did not even play an entire season last year, so might he have run out of gas if he had? The fact is that Vick has spent more time hanging, drowning, and electrocuting dogs than he spent on the field last season. But for now, those in the Eagles organization aren’t asking themselves any what ifs, they are looking ahead to this season with great expectations as they now have their superstar quarterback in place for the next six years. Ok, so maybe six years is a bit much when you factor in the fact that Vick WILL get injured at some point this season – and if there is any justice in the world, it will be a terribly gruesome injury, hopefully career ending. It also would not be the worst thing in the world if it happened to be life threatening as well. But that is all just a glimpse into a hopeful future as the Eagles get ready to open their season September 11 against the St. Louis Rams and Vick hopes to build upon his success last season – although that “success” does include throwing an interception that ended their season against the Packers in the playoffs. So if that’s the kind of success Vick looks forward to, then we wish it for him as well – you know, that and the whole gruesome injury thing – we REALLY REALLY hope that happens too. So congratulations are in order for Vick, as he has fought hard to earn this new contract – as opposed to the poor dogs who could not fight to defend themselves against him murdering them. It is truly a terrific comeback story that should always serve as a reminder to us all that if we work hard, set up illegal dog fighting rings in our backyard, and then once those dogs have fought each other and are too tired, weak, and injured to defend themselves and we kill them in the most gruesome ways possible, then we too can be rich and successful.

Hattiesburg, Mississippi – As the rumors began to swirl yesterday about the possibility of another Brett Favre comeback, his agent, Bus Cook, watched in disbelief. Today, he called The Clarion Ledger, a second rate, inferior newspaper in Jackson, Mississippi to address those rumors. Cook said “Brett Favre retired in January. He has not talked to anyone about playing football. He’s retired, period, question mark.” The fact that he actually spoke the words “question mark” puzzled the mediocre reporter employed by the laughable excuse for a newspaper. The reporter then asked if Cook could then guarantee that Favre is done for good. Cook answered “Look, he is 100% definitely maybe possibly retired. There is no chance, and when I say no chance, I mean a big chance, that Brett Favre will return to play in the NFL this season. I have advised Brett not to come back. He didn’t ask me before he sent pictures of his tiny penis to a woman, he clearly didn’t think about maybe doing the helicopter with it a few times first to make it look presentable, but he asked me about this.” The reporter, who was then more confused than ever – even more confused than readers of the Clarion Ledger who just don’t understand how this awful newspaper is still in business, referenced a recent tweet by Philadelphia quarterback, Michael Vick. In the tweet, Vick said that it would be an honor to have Favre as a backup and that it would be amazing learning how to toy with defenses the way Favre did. It should be noted that in the tweet, the dumb son of a bitch spelled Favre’s name wrong, spelling it Farve. It should also be noted that soon after word of the tweet got out, it was deleted. Of course, what else can you expect from a man who murdered dogs? Terrible people like Michael Vick who apparently have the public fooled into thinking they have changed since they had killed defenseless animals aside, Bus Cook ended his conversation with the rag that passes for a newspaper known as The Clarion Ledger by saying “Let me clear this up once and for all… Brett Favre will not be playing for any of the 31 teams in the NFL.” When he was reminded that there are actually 32 teams in the league, Cook responded “I know that. Like I said… Brett Favre will not be playing for any of the 31 teams in the NFL.” So the questions will undoubtedly now continue, and there are many of them

1. Will Brett Favre unretire again?

2. How does The Clarion Ledger stay in business?

3. How many more women will Brett Favre text pictures of his dong to?

Hopefully these questions will all be answered soon. Until then, “Favre dong watch” has reached day 2 and shows no signs of ending.