Washington, D.C. - Earlier this morning, president Obama held a press conference to address proposed executive orders and legislation on guns. After he was done speaking and hugging children he cares nothing about, he signed the 23 executive orders. Immediately after he did so, the uproar began from rednecks everywhere who cannot bear the thought of not being able to purchase high powered firearms capable of blowing a hole through something. And why shouldn’t they be angry? It’s certainly not Obama’s business why a regular person would need such a powerful weapon. Though most of the 23 orders pertained to background checks and mental health issues, they did include proposals to reinstate and strengthen the assault weapons ban and place a 10 round limit on ammunition magazines. Only 10 rounds?! What kind of bullshit is this? What if you need to shoot something A LOT? Then what? Officials from certain states such as Mississippi and Oregon immediately sent letters urging local lawmakers to pass legislation that would make such orders from the president illegal to enforce in their states. However, a compromise is expected to be reached, as Mississippi governor Phil Bryant has since stated that he would accept orders such as the one that would ensure health insurance plans pay for mental health benefits, as long as those same plans pay for dipping tobacco.

Washington, D.C. - We saw heavy voter turnout around the country yesterday and voters chose who would win the battle between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. In the end, Barack Obama emerged as the winner and still the leader of the United States for the next four years. The decision is the voice of America, and that voice has said “look, we know this movie is shitty, but we’re so far into it, why don’t we just stay and see what happens?” When faced with the question to either stick around and see how it ends or walk out, voters answered that question with an enthusiastic “Eh, whatever.” Voters were pretty much in agreement that so far, the plot lines of high gas prices, shitty economy, high unemployment, and more, had been terrible and the president, I mean actors were atrocious, but they had become so curious as to how it would all end. After it was all over, America spoke and said that “basically, we looked at each other and said look, we know our country, I mean this movie, is pretty god damn terrible right now and this president, shit I mean actor, has done absolutely nothing, but we’ve already been here for so long, let’s just see where this goes.”

Washington, D.C. - With less than 24 hours until election day, many last minute polls are showing a dramatic jump in numbers for Dave Mustaine. Mustaine, the lead singer of Megadeth has been a wild card throughout this race, but seems to have been gaining plenty of ground just in the last 72 hours. Many people seemingly were unaware that Mustaine has even been running for president, though he announced his candidacy back in March. However, many thought he was simply joking when he made the announcement, saying that he would be running as “an ambassador of heavy metal and happiness.” And though Mustaine is a man of few words (most of his campaign speeches so far have simply been 32 minute heavy metal guitar riffs and solos), he had plenty to say at a stop in Seattle this past Saturday. During the speech, he told supporters to compare what each presidential candidate has done for America, saying that “Romney is offering a 5 point plan, Obama has clearly offered nothing in the last 4 years, me? Well, I gave you “Symphony of Destruction” You’re welcome, America!” He closed the event by asking “Do you want the Democratic choice who has done nothing in the last 4 years, the Republican choice who will probably do nothing in the next 4 years, or the right choice who has done hundreds of chicks? The choice seems simple! Thank you, motherfuckers!” It should be noted that he screamed “motherfuckers” in a long, drawn out, high pitched scream as a huge American flag with a  30 foot tall baphomet in the middle lowered behind him

Danville, Kentucky - As tonight’s vice presidential debate draws closer, each candidate appears to be taking a different strategy. While Vice President Joe Biden plans to challenge republican challenger Paul Ryan on what many democrats consider “half truths” that Mitt Romney spoke at the last debate, Ryan will reportedly attempt to steer the debate more towards  abdominal workouts if he finds himself in a jam. For example, if Joe Biden corners him with a question about healthcare, Ryan will most likely lift the left side of his shirt and say “Do these obliques look like I’m worried about healthcare? You know what my healthcare is? Side bends! 10 sets of 15!” But the Ryan arsenal is not limited simply to obliques. It is fully expected that Ryan will counter any arguments over budget cuts or domestic policy by simply pointing to his lower abs and screaming “Medicine ball leg lifts superset with cable crunch!” The stakes are high tonight, especially for the domocratic party, as last week’s first presidential debate was seen largely as a failure by Barack Obama. However, the stakes are equally as high for the republican party tonight to keep that momentum going with a Ryan debate victory. You would not know that from looking at Ryan, however, who at press time, was on stage practicing for tonight’s debate – not by reading his speech, but by attempting to lift the podium onto his upper back and perform walking lunges across the stage.  When asked his final strategy for the evening’s debate, Ryan said he “planned to come out very aggressive, maybe start with curling the 35′s just for a good warm up, then work my way up to the 60′s. You think that pussy Biden could do that?!” he then asked. Ryan was then asked if he viewed the nation’s unemployment rate falling as a good sign for the Obama/Biden campaign, Ryan replied “The economy is still sluggish, ok? It needs to get into shape. Do you think that gray haired, pudgy bastard out there is a capable VP to do that? No! What this economy needs is LESS Biden and MORE weighted reverse crunches.” Secret Service then rushed all reporters out of the building as Ryan was preparing to “oil up” for the debate, which begins tonight at 9:00 eastern/8:00 central.

Charlotte, North Carolina - Fuck face hipsters everywhere have had a new topic to discuss as they gather in their coffee shops in the “arts disctrict” of towns everywhere. Mitt Romney stated last week that he would cut all federal funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, PBS, and NPR if elected president. These statements have left these artsy assholes more angry than if they lost their favorite pair of black thick rimmed glasses. Getting rid of such programs would reportedly save the government $2 billion a year, which quite honestly would not make much of a dent compared to what the country spends in other areas. However, two billion dollars is two billion dollars, and the only other way to save that kind of money is to place a tax on fedoras and skinny jeans, Romney warns. This issue will certainly be a hot issue heading into November…. Well, not among most people in the country, but among those who spend their time exclusively in historical arts districts talking about how “beautifully artistic” the latest Wes Anderson movie is. Before November, they much make a decision, however… Do you continue to model your life after doing and saying things simply because they are contrarian OR do you want the price of the fedoras and skinny jeans you love so much to skyrocket? Yet another issue in this all important election of 2012.

Tampa, Florida - Mitt Romney won big in the Florida primary tonight, placing him, once again, as the frontrunner to lose to Barack Obama in November’s presidential election. The victory was critical for Romney as only three weeks ago it seemed he was a lock to win the Republican nomination as he had an extremely strong showing in the Iowa caucus followed by a victory in the New Hampshire primary. Newt Gengrich then won the South Carolina primary and the race to be the man who Obama defeats became a bit clouded. Since then, Romney and Gengrich have engaged in what some are referring to as “the nastiest election campaign ever.” The campaign wars are so nasty, in fact, that no matter who wins the bid, the Republican party will be the ultimate loser if they cannot get their shit together. Gengrich (who looks like a gray haired pudgy baby) and Romney (who really just looks like an asshole) have waged such an attack on each other, that many do not even know who they can trust when it is all over. Though anyone with a semi functional brain would see that any alternative is likely better than Obama, but….there are a lot of stupid assholes out there. The next stop on the pointless Republican campaign trail will be on February 4th for the Nevada caucus as candidates will hope the picture will become even clearer on who is going to receive the bid to lose to Obama and watch as the United States slips deeper into hell for the next four years.

Los Angeles, California - Actor Ryan Reynolds will deliver the first ever State of the Dangerously Handsome Union address tonight. The speech was originially scheduled to be given by the president of the Dangerously Handsome club, David Beckham, but he has prior engagements in England. Beckham did say via telephone, however, that he has “all the confidence in the world” in Reynolds, who is the vice president of the DHC. It will be the first annual speech given by the newly formed DH party and will mainly focus on informing the world of the burdens that accompany being so handsome that it is literally a danger to others. Reynolds is also likely to speak on the strict requirements of being dangerously handsome (ex. striking features, luxurious hair, etc.) It is expected to be a bit of a confrontational speech, as Reynolds will sternly warn the public that if you do not possess the kind of handsomeness that is so mezmorizing that it may, in fact, cause physical or mental anguish, then you do not belong to the dangerously handsome. That is merely a small amount, however, of what is expected to be discussed at the podium tonight. The speech, which will be delivered at 8:00 P.M. EST is penned by members of the dangerously handsome organization such as Beckham, Reynolds, 1987 Kip Winger, 1996 Shawn Michaels, and Rob Lowe.

Washington, D.C. - The United States Marine Corp is under fire after a video has surfaced which shows Marines urinating on the dead bodies of Taliban militants in Afghanistan. The video has caused outrage among many politically correct assholes throughout the world, including U.S. defense secretary, Leon Panetta, who calls the actions in the video “utterly deplorable.” Of course it is deplorable! Look, just because a person wants nothing more than to kill you, your family, friends, and everyone in the United States, then actively tries to do so, does not mean you should be disrespectful! Afghan president Hamid Karzai, agrees, calling the video “shocking” and demanding that the U.S punish the Marines involved. Hopefully, U.S. officials will listen and respect the request of a man who is in charge of a country housing so many people who’s sole purpose in life is to kill Americans. It appears they will do just that, as the aforementioned pussy Leon Panetta is quoted as saying “This conduct is entirely inappropriate for members of the United States military and does not reflect the standards or values our armed forces are sworn to uphold. Those found to have engaged in such conduct will be held accountable to the fullest extent.” Senator John McCain weighed in on “CBS This Morning,” saying that the video is “a handful of undisciplined young people, of the 100-some-thousand Marines we have. It makes me so sad.” One can only wonder if it makes him quite as sad as being a complete failure in the 2008 presidential race. It should, however, be noted that MCain most likely would not have been as big a failure as the embarrassing Barack Obama. A full investigation will soon be launched into the video to determine where and when it was filmed. So let this serve as a valuable lesson to us all, especially those in the military: Just because a person or in this case, a group of people, are responsible for the biggest terrorist attack in American history and have killed thousands and now wish to kill you, your family, friends, and everyone else in the United States simply for having a different belief, is absolutely no reason to be disrespectful. Be nice!

Washington, D.C. – Abortion has and will always be a hot button topic. The debates have raged for decades, both politically and personally. With the upcoming presidential election, these debates are sure to be brought into the forefront once again. Some candidates and their supporters will argue on the side of pro-life, some on the side of pro-abortion, while others will support pro-choice. No matter what side, most of these people are insane. Pro-life supporters have killed doctors, pro-abortion supporters have killed expectant mothers, and pro-choice supporters have sat back, smoked weed, and laughed at all of these stupid assholes. Luckily, a new campaign is set to kick off tomorrow called the “It’s not a child, it’s a trap” campaign. This is, of course, a play on the phrase “It’s a child, not a choice” that you see on so many bumper stickers. The founders of the “It’s not a child, it’s a trap” is a campaign realize that many women use a pregnancy to trap men into staying with them. This method has become an extremely popular and effective one in recent years. The campaign is designed to educate men how the trap works. Usually, the woman will first make sure she becomes friends with the man’s mother (frequently going shopping, eating lunch, etc.) Her thought is “Well, if I’m best friends with his mom, then she will make sure he never leaves.” Sadly, according to the campaign’s numbers, this plan works an average of 71 percent of the time. Once the woman’s plan reaches step 2 – which is to slowly get the man’s mother to start paying their bills for them – the success rate reaches an alarming 83 percent. Finally, once the woman announces she is pregnant, the percentage of success reaches an astounding 94 percent. At that point, the trap is set. The man then falls into the trap slowly (usually for 9 months or so.) The process is then complete and has been a success for the woman, who by now has quit her job with no intent to return, but instead continue to have the man’s mother pay for the bulk of her bills while she spends her own money on shoes, purses, and massages. According to the report, it is at this point when the man simply stops caring and waits for the sweet embrace of death. With the Iowa caucus behind us, this new campaign is expecting to begin gaining steam at next week’s New Hampshire primary. Though it is unclear which GOP candidate or candidates will support the campaign, early word is that it will be Texas governor Rick Perry – if, of course, he is not too drunk to actually speak on the topic. So as the the debates, arguments, murders, and wars rage on over which batshit crazy side is right: pro-life, pro-abortion, or pro-choice, at least now there is a new choice, a new campaign, a new slogan: “It’s not a child, it’s a trap.”

Cairo, Egypt – After more than two weeks of protests against Hosni Mubarak, the Egyptian president stepped down yesterday. The news shocked many, as only one day earlier, Mubarak announced on national television that he refused to resign. The shock, however, lasted only moments, as it quickly led to jubilation for the thousands of protesters in the streets of Cairo. They began jumping, pumping their fists, waving their country’s flags, and even shooting fireworks. Overjoyed that they will now get their first chance to participate in free, democratic elections, the people of Egypt celebrated for hours, well into the night…… They then realized, however, that they still live in Egypt and the celebrations quickly died. “I feel free” said one man. He continued “I feel like this is the beginning of a new Egypt, the only problem is that a new Egypt is still Egypt, ya know? I mean, you ask a thousand people if they could live anywhere in the world, do you really think anyone is going to say “Oh man, I’d really like to live in Egypt”? Of course not!” Another man who was seen triumphantly holding his arms in the air one minute and weeping sadly on a curb oly moments later had this to say – “Yes, we are free. Free from Mubarak, free from the rule of a dictator. But the one thing we unfortunately cannot break free from is being Egypt.” So perhaps the gleeful feelings that this country experienced for a twelve hour period will return, perhaps when they hold public elections for a new president and these citizens are finally able to experience democracy. Of course, here in America, we have experenced democracy for over 200 years, electing our public officials….and look how badly we’ve screwed that up. Congratulations, Egypt!