Washington, D.C. - Given the current situation in Egypt, U.S. president Barack Obama had no choice but to finally make a statement this morning. With political unrest at an all time high in the country, the situation has reached a point of extreme danger. Riots are now in their second week and show no signs of ending. Citizens of the country are demanding the resignation of current president, Hosni Mubarak. Mubarak has refused to resign, further angering those citizens calling for his job and thus intensifying the already violent situation. Since these protests began, members of the media have been questioning why Barack Obama has made no effort to get the U.S. involved in the situation. Finally, early this morning, those moronic members of the media who, like so many other people, think it’s the United State’s job to clean up everyone else’s mess, got their wish as Obama made a public statement. However, it was not exactly what they thought they would hear. Below is the full transcript of the president’s speech:

“My fellow Americans, It is not lost on this president that the situation in Egypt is becoming dire. It is also not lost on me that many of you have been wanting me to speak on my stance on this, on America’s stance on this. Well let me deliver a message directly to the people of Egypt, from president Mubarak all the way down to the people rioting in the streets…. Don’t you DARE make me miss any Super Bowl commercials tonight! I’m not kidding! If I miss so much as one fucking commercial, your country will be sorry! These commercials are the best part of the super bowl. I don’t care about the ridiculous amounts of useless coverage ESPN has been offering me the last 2 weeks, I don’t care about the 8 hours of pre game that they deliver before the game, and I certainly don’t care about the Steelers OR the Packers, but I look forward to seeing these commercials. You want to test me? Go ahead! See what happens! Just see what happens! So to all the members of the media, who for some reason, just assume that we have to get involved in this, as if he haven’t been involved in two wars and been spending billions upon billions of dollars on those wars, chill the fuck out! And once again, for the people of Egypt, please, just cut the shit for four to five hours tonight, that’s all I’m asking. You can resume your senseless destruction of property and lives tomorrow, but for your sake, tonight, just cut the shit. Remember: one missed Super Bowl commercial means one giant hole in the ground where Egypt used to be. Thank you, and God bless America.”

Arlington, Texas – The Green Bay Packers could find themselves in a very deep hole come super Sunday. It was announced this morning that their star quarterback, Aaron Rodgers is listed as doubtful for Super Bowl XLV due to a a heavy case of masturbation shame. If that wasn’t bad enough for the Pack, two key players on defense, pro bowl linebacker Clay Matthews, and pro bowl cornerback, Charles Woodson, are also listed as doubtful due to the same affliction. Masturbation shame is a problem that affects many more people than you may think. It can happen at almost any age, even following one through their entire lives. The most common occurence of this is when one is attempting to pleasure themself  and they look at something, be it on the internet, magazine, or even in real life, that is very unsettling at any other moment, but at the time, they think “hey, let’s just go with it.” The person will then feel shame for the next 5 to 10 minutes but then generally be alright for the rest of the day. Then without warning, the memory of what they have seen will appear at very random moments. Masturbation shame has various levels of severity and depending on which level, can affect one’s mental state anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 weeks at a time. It is unclear what has caused this outbreak among the Packers players, as the only thing quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, said to reporters this morning was “I should not have seen that! Sweet lord, what was I thinking? I just….I shouldn’t have seen that.” Woodson and Matthews did not comment, but are expected to tomorrow at the beginning of media day. So for now, everyone in Packer nation waits, full of questions….. When did this happen? Will they be able to play in the Super Bowl? What exactly did these players see. For now, no answers exist. It is safe to speculate, though, that in involves the man they will be facing this Sunday, Ben Roethlisberger, raping someONE or someTHING. Stay tuned

Arlington, Texas - The Black Eyed Peas concert on February 6 at Cowboys Stadium will now feature a special performance by the Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers. The group, who is on tour supporting their latest terrible album, “The Beginning” announced back in September that they would be playing the show that will be televised by Fox. “We’re very excited that so many people want to see us perform live, that a network like Fox would want to televise it” said female member, Fergie, who looks attractive 30 percent of the time and like a hideous ghoul the other 70. “This is going to be amazing” said another terrible member of the group who calls himself “Will.I.Am” He went on to say that “Just think, 100 million people worldwide will be tuning in to hear us showcase our lack of talent! Now, I can’t give away which shitty songs we will be playing, but we have a large selection of god awful songs available, songs like “My Humps” or “Boom Boom Pow” or even our latest piece of shit, “The Time(Dirty Bit)” He continued, “We thought to ourselves that we really wanted to kick this concert up a notch, so we thought that out of all those tens of millions of people who will be tuning in just to see us, surely a few of them like football as well. So we decided to have 2 football teams play a game in between our concert, kind of as an extra little piece of entertainment.” The group began deciding which two teams that would be at the beginning of January. They say that they went back and forth trying to decide, even going so far as creating a bracket of 16 of the NFL’s top teams. Even with their bracket, the band says it still took them three weeks to decide which teams to invite, eventually picking the Steelers and Packers just this past Sunday night. Tickets to the concert have been sold out for months and are going for as much as $3,000 on ebay.  However, there are still tickets available for complete morons who want to pay $200 to stand on the lawn in front of the stadium and watch the game on a projection screen. Stadium owner, Jerry Jones, anticipates that it will set the record for atttendance for a concert with an NFL game set as the backdrop.