Washington, D.C. - On the one year anniversary of the killing of Osama Bin Laden, new information is coming to light. We now know that Bin Laden wanted to kill President Barack Obama. This information comes as a shock to many given the extreme hatred Bin Laden possessed for the United States, for the elimination of Obama would have greatly helped the nation. Bin Laden apparently wanted Obama dead because vice president Joe Biden would be “unprepared” to take over as President. Whether or not Biden would have been prepared, the important thing to focus on here is that Obama would not be President anymore. Bin Laden apparently planned to assassinate Obama by hijacking Air Force One (easy, assholes! Not so sure those fucking box cutters are going to scare people again!) In a letter to one of his top lieutenants, Bin Laden wrote “Obama is the head of infidelity and killing him automatically will make Biden take over the presidency. Biden is totally unprepared for that post, which will lead the U.S. into a crisis.” Whatever, all we heard was Obama would not be President anymore. Unfortunately, he is, as he travels to Afghanistan tonight to continue to issue a speech and likely continue to use the killing of Osama Bin Laden on his campaign trail as if he actually did anything himself. So as details of this planned assassination emerge, confusion continues to grow as to why Bin Laden would help out a nation he so passionately hated. We don’t know. All we could think about was that Obama would not be President anymore.

Washington, D.C. - On this day exactly one year ago, our country became a much safer place when Osama Bin Laden was killed. But new developments out of Washington now have us asking exactly how safe are we? News arrived early this morning that Osama Bin Laden’s brother, Doug Bin Laden, is indeed still alive. Many have forgotten about Doug, as he was younger, kept to himself mostly, and wasn’t quite as big of an asshole as his sibling Osama. Despite all of this, we must make no mistake about it… DBL is still extremely dangerous. Sources say he was an integral part of the 9/11 attacks, as his bombing of a Pizza Hut in Boston on 9/10 set the groundwork for the horrific events that followed. Doug, always the black sheep of the Bin Laden family, however, had forgot to set his watch to Eastern time and blew up the building an hour late, as they had already closed and no “evil Americans” were actually in the establishment. However, this may have been a very calculated move by the younger DBL, as the U.S. government has learned that Doug may very well have known of the Navy Seal raid of the Bin Laden compound and formulated a plan to escape beforehand. U.S. intel states that moments before Navy Seals entered the compound, the Bin Ladens were hosting a pool party and Doug told Osama that he was going upstairs with one of the women that the family had forced to attend and that he was going to “park his dong.” Exactly four minutes later, the compound was raided. Doug Bin Laden is said to be the only person who escaped. Now what are the odds of that? Here we are one year later and DBL is still at large. We have not heard his name mentioned yet, and let’s hope we never do. He may still only be concerned with “parking his dong” and nothing more, but we must remain guarded either way.

Bloomington, Minnesota - Handwritten journals taken by US Navy SEALs in the raid of Osama Bin Laden’s compound on May 1st show that the Al Qaeda leader was calling for followers to plan an attack on the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. He wrote of attacking not only planes, but trains in smaller cities than that of New York. His writings show him contemplating how many Americans an attack would have to kill to convince the US to withdraw from the Arab world. One entry said that it would require an attack with a body count of thousands to do so, and apparently, that is just what Bin Laden had begun scheming before his brains were splattered across a room by the Navy SEALs. The journal is also said to contain a 3 page plan of exactly when and where to attack. The date: September 11, 2011 – the 10 year anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy. The place: Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota – a 4.2 million square foot mall with 520 stores, rides, and other attractions inside. The mall is said to have an average of 100,000 visitors per day. Bin Laden apparently saw this as the perfect opportunity for the American body count he had written about and planned to pounce. Below is a word for word entry taken from the journal explaining the reasoning behind the location:

“I have heard of this Mall of America, this monument of American consumerism. Over 100,000 of these western devils visit this place every day, exchanging their money for goods, clothing, and food. I say horse shit! You know what I am wearing? A robe that I made myself! You know what I am eating? A goat that I had to kill and roast over a fire last night! Have you ever eaten fire roasted goat?! It is fucking disgusting! And I don’t think it was fully cooked, I believe I have worms. Death to the Americans! Ok, enough about the goat… But I would kill for some Denny’s! I mean it, I would LITERALLY have someone killed for some Denny’s! Oh, there I go again…Ok, onto the plan…… The Mall of America – with so many people in one place, it is the perfect target. Plus, we will strike on a Sunday, prime shopping day, and in September, there will be great sales going on as well. We will need 2 or 3 male volunteers and 1 female volunteer. These volunteers will each be wearing a powerful explosive device on them. On September the 11, 2011, they will travel to the Mall. The first thing they will do is locate the food court and report back to me directly to confirm whether or not there is an Orange Julius, because I’m not sure if those still exist. I used to love those things! After confirmation of the Orange Julius status, they will then walk to center court, where the gentleman will initiate a brobang on the one woman. A large crowd will then gather wondering just what the hell is going on. Once a large enough crowd has gathered, both men, in mid thrust, will detonate their explosive devices, which should be powerful enough to take out up to 1,300 onlookers….that figure may be slightly off because I had to do the math on a rock…. I live in fucking Pakistan for Christ’s sake, it’s not like we have calculators!”

The next 2 pages of the journal entry were simply drawings of the bomb vest he wished for the volunteers to wear and doodles of 3 men having sex with 1 woman and the words “EXPLOSIVE BROBANG” jotted above them. It is unclear whether or not Osama Bin Laden was panning to accompany these volunteers. One would think he would not risk such travel due to security, but the picture he had drawn of himself watching the “explosive brobang” while sipping from a cup that said Orange Julius and holding an Abercrombie and Fitch bag makes officials think that perhaps he was indeed planning on traveling to the mall. Thankfully, this plan is now cancelled. But US officials are warning everyone from airports, to train stations, to now even shopping malls, to keep their eyes open for any mysterious activity happening around them, ESPECIALLY brobangs…..unless, of course, it is Ryan Reynolds and John Mayer brobanging some female shopper. They reserve the right for that to take place at any moment in any location.

Washington, D.C. – When Navy SEALs raided Osama Bin Laden’s mansion on Sunday, they not only took out the leader of  Al Qaeda, they also confiscated computers, hard drives, and other items that may be of great help in our country’s war on terror. But one document found amongst all of this data has officials scratching their heads. On one of the seized computers, US government officials opened a document that states that Osama Bin Laden actually died almost 6 years ago, falling victim to a massive sex riot in his own home. According to the document, on June 2, 2005, Bin Laden and others were celebrating the completion of his new mansion in Pakistan. There was a large gathering for his house warming party, reportedly about 50 people or so. The document says that Bin Laden was in the back cooking burgers on the grill when most of the guests began arriving, mostly women – which seems accurate, for it is a well known fact that Bin Laden absolutely HATED sausage fests. The report states that as these female guests were arriving, Osama said to his son, Doug Bin Laden, “man the grill while I go park my dong”  It is said that Bin Laden, always the greedy pig, then grabbed 18 girls and began leading them upstairs. Unfortunately for Osama Bin Laden, the radio in his room was on and the new single at the time, “Promiscuous” by Nelly Furtado, began playing. It is said that the girls, half way up the stairs at the time, began shouting phrases like “oh my God, that is my jam!” and “this song is so about my life!” but spoken in crazy Arabic languages. The girls then all began running up the stairs to be closer to the radio so they could dance, running over Bin Laden, who was faced the opposite direction from the herd of oncoming girls. He was reportedly knocked down when the first 3 ran into him, then as he was down and the girls kept running toward the room, he was stepped on numerous times, sustaining injuries from many high heeled shoes. The injuries are said to have been to the ribs, head, and neck area. It is also said that one pair of shoes had actually done damage to his throat and vocal cords and he was therefore not able to shout for help. About seven minutes later, after the girls had finished dancing, they walked out of the room to find Bin Laden lying on the stairs. It was too late. Bin Laden’s friends then admonished the girls, calling them whores and telling them they would never be one of the 72 virgins that would be waiting for Osama Bin Laden in heaven. Bin Laden’s body was then buried in a location that is still unknown and his friends prepared the document to serve as his death certificate. They decided since he was trampled while on his way to have sex with these women, that the reason for death would indeed be classified as SEX RIOT. Now here we are almost 6 years later and this document now has officials perplexed. If Osama Bin Laden was already dead, then who was the man killed just this past Sunday? The same day that perhaps the only other person who may know the answer – his son, Doug Bin Laden, was also killed. Unfortunately these are just more questions for an already burdened nation.

Abbottabad, Pakistan – Americans rejoiced last night as they heard the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. They gathered in the streets of Washington outside the white house, they gathered in the streets of New York at the site of the World Trade Center attacks, they shouted from rooftops and climbed trees, all the while waving the American flag. Those celebrations then grew larger and louder as president Obama made the official announcement that the man responsible for the attacks on 9/11 had finally been killed almost 10 years later. Many trees even broke from the weight of these stupid obese Americans who jumped up and down like idiots as if a tree branch would support them. Nevertheless, it was indeed a night for all Americans to feel happy, proud, and patriotic…the way we always tend to do when news like this breaks and then a week later, we go back to not caring. But rumors are starting to leak that it may not have been the American government that is responsible for the killing of Bin Laden. Sources who wish to remain anonymous but say they were at the scene are telling us that the picture that president Obama and the press is painting is not an accurate one. They tell us that the person responsible for killing Bin Laden is indeed Doctor Who. According to these scources, there were no helicopters descending from the sky, simply a blue police call box (later identified as a TARDIS ) that appeared out of nowhere. They say that a tall, slender, dark haired gentleman wearing a bow tie and an attractive red haired female then stepped out of the machine and approached Bin Laden. Sources then say that Bin Laden became incredibly alarmed and pulled a girl in front of him who he was apparently using as some sort of human shield. The man who stepped out of the box then told Bin Laden that “it’s ok, I’m a doctor.” “Doctor who?” Bin Laden then asked, to which the unidentified red haired woman responded “precisely.” At that moment, the doctor reportedly pulled out a gun and shot Osama Bin Laden in the head. Sources say the two then got back into the box and it disappeared. So is it possible that word of this got back to Barack Obama and he saw this as a chance to spin the story and take credit for authorizing a mission himself that would have the US government killing Bin Laden? Perhaps he thought it would be easy because, after all, who would believe a blue police call box would just appear out of of thin air and people could just jump out of it? But we are now learning that British scientists commented on this story just this morning saying that not only is it possible, but has been done many many times. One of them even said that he had witnessed it happen on countless occasions from about 1963 to 1989, then once in 1996, and has now been seeing it happen since 2005 up to now. So perhaps the US government is responsible for the killing of Bin Laden as the news tells us. Or perhaps it was indeed the work of some mysterious doctor who appeared out of nowhere, seemingly traveling through time and space to just show up. We may never know the truth, but whoever may be responsible,  America is happy with the results.