Bloomington, Minnesota - Handwritten journals taken by US Navy SEALs in the raid of Osama Bin Laden’s compound on May 1st show that the Al Qaeda leader was calling for followers to plan an attack on the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. He wrote of attacking not only planes, but trains in smaller cities than that of New York. His writings show him contemplating how many Americans an attack would have to kill to convince the US to withdraw from the Arab world. One entry said that it would require an attack with a body count of thousands to do so, and apparently, that is just what Bin Laden had begun scheming before his brains were splattered across a room by the Navy SEALs. The journal is also said to contain a 3 page plan of exactly when and where to attack. The date: September 11, 2011 – the 10 year anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy. The place: Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota – a 4.2 million square foot mall with 520 stores, rides, and other attractions inside. The mall is said to have an average of 100,000 visitors per day. Bin Laden apparently saw this as the perfect opportunity for the American body count he had written about and planned to pounce. Below is a word for word entry taken from the journal explaining the reasoning behind the location:
“I have heard of this Mall of America, this monument of American consumerism. Over 100,000 of these western devils visit this place every day, exchanging their money for goods, clothing, and food. I say horse shit! You know what I am wearing? A robe that I made myself! You know what I am eating? A goat that I had to kill and roast over a fire last night! Have you ever eaten fire roasted goat?! It is fucking disgusting! And I don’t think it was fully cooked, I believe I have worms. Death to the Americans! Ok, enough about the goat… But I would kill for some Denny’s! I mean it, I would LITERALLY have someone killed for some Denny’s! Oh, there I go again…Ok, onto the plan…… The Mall of America – with so many people in one place, it is the perfect target. Plus, we will strike on a Sunday, prime shopping day, and in September, there will be great sales going on as well. We will need 2 or 3 male volunteers and 1 female volunteer. These volunteers will each be wearing a powerful explosive device on them. On September the 11, 2011, they will travel to the Mall. The first thing they will do is locate the food court and report back to me directly to confirm whether or not there is an Orange Julius, because I’m not sure if those still exist. I used to love those things! After confirmation of the Orange Julius status, they will then walk to center court, where the gentleman will initiate a brobang on the one woman. A large crowd will then gather wondering just what the hell is going on. Once a large enough crowd has gathered, both men, in mid thrust, will detonate their explosive devices, which should be powerful enough to take out up to 1,300 onlookers….that figure may be slightly off because I had to do the math on a rock…. I live in fucking Pakistan for Christ’s sake, it’s not like we have calculators!”
The next 2 pages of the journal entry were simply drawings of the bomb vest he wished for the volunteers to wear and doodles of 3 men having sex with 1 woman and the words “EXPLOSIVE BROBANG” jotted above them. It is unclear whether or not Osama Bin Laden was panning to accompany these volunteers. One would think he would not risk such travel due to security, but the picture he had drawn of himself watching the “explosive brobang” while sipping from a cup that said Orange Julius and holding an Abercrombie and Fitch bag makes officials think that perhaps he was indeed planning on traveling to the mall. Thankfully, this plan is now cancelled. But US officials are warning everyone from airports, to train stations, to now even shopping malls, to keep their eyes open for any mysterious activity happening around them, ESPECIALLY brobangs…..unless, of course, it is Ryan Reynolds and John Mayer brobanging some female shopper. They reserve the right for that to take place at any moment in any location.