Oxford, Mississippi – March Madness is upon us. The NCAA tournament begins tomorrow with some loose play in games that the NCAA and media want to convince us are “1st round” games, with “2nd round” games to be played Thursday and Friday. Looking past that load of horse shit and knowing that Thursday is actually the beginning of the 1st round, we profile one such player involved in those games: Guard Marshall Henderson of the Ole Miss Rebels. After a regular season full of ups and downs and Mississippi’s shitty local newspaper, The Clarion Ledger, writing about wins against teams like Texas A&M (7-11) and Georgia (9-9) like they were school girls gushing over Justin Bieber, Ole Miss shocked almost everybody yesterday when they defeated Florida to win the SEC tournament. In doing so, they secured an automatic bid and are scheduled to get fucked where they stand by Wisconsin on Friday in the “2nd round” of the NCAA tournament. The Rebels were led this season by Henderson, who was arrested in 2010 when he was caught buying weed with $800 worth of counterfeit money. He then spent 25 days in jail last spring for violating his parole when he tested positive for alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine. As the Rebels guided their way through an extremely mediocre SEC, Henderson was, without a doubt, the leader of the team. And after a breakout season which saw him do things like popping his jersey after beating 3-15 Auburn, give the Ole Miss “landshark” hand sign, which we previously thought was just some stupid shit their football team did, and various other ridiculous acts to try to make himself forget he’s just a white kid who won’t be making it in the NBA, he is now, without a doubt, the biggest douchebag in all of college basketball. Henderson, the Rebels, and head coach Andy Kennedy (who, let’s never forget, shouted racial slurs at a cab driver) will play Wisconsin early Friday and will be taking a plane back to Mississippi mid afternoon after they lose that game.

Jackson, Mississippi - Today is national signing day in the world of college football. A day that provides both hope and disappointment for coaches, bragging rights and shame for fans, and the start of an adventure, an education, and hopefully a future career for the athletes (unless they decide to throw their lives away by playing for West Virginia.) These days, winning signing day has become almost as big as winning the national championship. A surprise team seems to winning signing day so far, and it is the same team who surprised many on the field last season: Ole Miss. The Rebels kicked off the day by getting a commitment from the #1 recruit in the country, DE/pussy whose mom makes all of his decisions for him, Robert Nkemdiche. Ole Miss then received commitments from the numbers 1 and 3 offensive tackle in the nation, Laremy Tunsil and Austin Golson. As if that wasn’t enough, the team had already received a commitment from number 1 receiever, Laquon Treadwell. Add in another major commitment from safety Antonio Conner, who was named “Mr. Football” in the state of Mississippi – though it is just an award given by the Mississippi’s shitty newspaper, The Clarion Ledger. So far, Ole Miss is ranked as high as 6 in national recruiting class rankings, something that will no doubt have their fans jumping for joy. Those same fans will, of course, be crying when the NCAA begins to investigate them for their recruiting tactics that have allowed them to get all of this top talent. However, as of now, Rebels’ fake christian head coach, Hugh Freeze says they are simply working hard and doing things the right way. Other top classes so far include the usual suspects: Florida, Notre Dame, Ohio State, and Alabama, who receieved a commitment yesterday from yet another 5 star player, linebacker Reuben Foster, who originally committed to Alabama only to decommit, then commit to Auburn, get an Auburn tatoo, then decommit from Auburn and commit again to the Crimson Tide. So in a class full of young, dumb, arrogant assholes, most of whom will never live up to the enormous hype that surrounds them, Foster seems to be the biggest asshole of them all. He is a true example of what national signing day is all about: building nothing out of something.

Oxford, Mississippi – In what has to be a first in college football, several players from Ole Miss have actually REQUESTED that their coach, Houston Nutt, suspend them for Saturday’s game against number one ranked LSU. Word began to leak this morning that the entire offense went to Nutt’s office and pleaded wtih him to announce that they are suspended for 1 game due to “team violations.” Second string quarterback, Zack Stoudt will actually be starting the LSU game due to a suspension earlier this week of the teams regular starter, Randall Mackey. “That son of a bitch found a way to get out of it” Stoudt said of Mackey, referring to the absolute raping that they are sure to suffer at the hands of the Tigers. He continued “You think we want to play against this LSU defense?! Hell no! You’ve seen them play, right? And I assume you’ve seen our offense play as well. Well, we’re not fans of getting our heads ripped off… And I mean that literally… There is a good chance that if we go out there against THAT defense, we will actually get killed. So we called a team meeting last night for the offensive players and we all decided that if he (Mackey) can get out of this by getting suspended, then we sure as hell can too!” So far, it is not clear if Nutt will actually grant the players their requests, and if so, what the made up violations will be. One can’t help but think Nutt likely doesn’t really give a shit since the team is currently 2-8 on the season, has lost 12 consecutive SEC games, and he has already been fired effective at the end of the season. When asked if the defensive unit will also be requesting suspensions against LSU, freshman receiver, Nickolas Brassell – one of the few bright spots for the Rebels this season – responded “I don’t really care! Our defense is awful, so maybe they should play..That way, when they go out there and get killed, we can start all over! Look, the name of the team is the Tigers, that isn’t supposed to be mean I go out there and get my dick ripped off like I’m facing a REAL tiger! I didn’t sign up for that shit!”

Oxford, Mississippi – After four years with the team, Ole Miss head football coach, Houston Nutt, has been fired. Of course, reports tell us he will resign, but that’s just talk for the morons that will believe it. He will, however, coach the last three meaningless games Ole Miss has remaining on their schedule this season (one of which will be a raping by LSU.) Nutt came to Ole Miss in late 2007 after coaching for 10 years at the University of Arkansas. His first 2 seasons in Oxford produced back to back Cotton Bowl wins for the Rebels/Black Bears/Whatever the fuck they are now, but in the last two seasons his team is a combined 2-15, including twelve consecutive losses in the SEC. The downfall began last season when the team lost the season opener to Jacksonville State and seemingly never recovered. It was a downward spiral that none of the over-priviledged, rich, snobby supporters of the school saw coming, as many of them over the off season had delusional thoughts of an SEC championship run. However, the Ole Miss students and alumni did not get the chance to drive their BMWs that their fathers bought them to Atlanta for an SEC title game, as they instead finished the season 4-8. It was certainly a blow to the fan base with such expectations, for no SEC title game and no bowl game meant one less game that they would get to put on their polos, pop their collars, and cheer for their Rebels in between conversations about which model BMW their father was about to buy them. One less game for the girls to wear their dresses and guys to put on their khaki pants and ties and pretend that is the ONLY attire one should wear to a football game and if you’re wearing anything else, you should just kill yourself. This season has been equally disappointing for the stuck up fan base, as the team has won only 2 of their first 9 games, giving them little reason to yell “Hotty Toddy”, which serves both as an Ole Miss cheer AND as the perfect way of showing that you are a complete asshole. The Ole Miss football team was the perfect place for assholes with Houston Nutt in charge, as it didn’t matter if you did things like steal a dead girl’s credit card and use it. If you could play football, Nutt wanted you, because as the coach who might as well be a car salesman said, he was in “the people helping business.”

Do not feel bad for Houston Nutt, however. Ole Miss must now pay him a reported $6 million dollars to buy out the remainder of his contract. With him goes the school Athletic Director, Pete Boone, who says he step down by the end of 2012 – And by step down, he means being run off because he is just an awful athletic director and more than likely, an awful person.

Starkville, Mississippi – The annual in state rivalry game between Mississippi State and Ole Miss, referred to as the “Egg Bowl,” will feature a little extra flare this year as Mississippi State has been chosen as the first team ever to wear the new “LB Deluxe” uniforms from Adidas. The LB stands for Loose Butthole, and in keeping wtih the recent trend of Nike’s uniforms for teams like Georgia and Under Armour’s for Maryland, these uniforms are definitely hideous and will more than likely be appreciated by only the most unrealistic and bias fans who, no matter what, never have anything negative to say about their team. The Bulldogs “LB Deluxe” uniforms will feature gold numbers, the state of Mississippi on the shoulders, an enlarged Mississippi State logo on the chest that makes them look like MSU’s dysfunctional basketball team, and special gold cleats. The back of the jerseys will not feature the last name of the player, as they will instead read Hail State. As terrible of a design it is, the new LB Deluxe uniforms will certainly be a treat for those MSU fans who are colorblind. It should also be a treat for the people of Mississippi in general, as they can take pride knowing a team from their state was chosen as the first team ever to wear the Adidas uniforms, continuing their trend of being first in the nation…like they have been in obesity rate for many years. The eyesores can be seen when the two teams clash on November 26th.

Oxford, Mississippi – After three laughable quarterback performances to open the season, Ole Miss head coach, Houston Nutt, announced this morning that there will be a new player starting at the position next week as the team takes on the Georgia Bulldogs. “We’ll be starting a plumber next week at QB, everybody” Nutt said as he opened his press conference. “He’s been with us for a while now. He hasn’t played in a pretty long time, but it can’t get much worse than the assholes we got out there now.” The announcement left fans scratching their heads as they searched through their media guides for anyone with the last name Plumber currently on the roster. This player, however, will not be found in any media guide as, until the moment of Nutt’s press conference, this person was not even a player. Nutt did not actually mean a man by the name of Plumber, he meant that the Rebels..or blackbears…or whatever the hell they call themselves… are actually playing a plumber who has often fixed toilets and sinks at the school. The man’s name is Fred Davis and has been a plumber in the Oxford area for over eight years. “I think this is a good move for this team” said Nutt. Fred’s got a lot of experience at flushing turds down the drain, and you look at our current quarterbacks…Barry Brunetti, Zack Stoudt, Randall Mackey…bunch of turds that need flushing. This is going to be a positive for this team to help us build on the rest of the season.” The immediate reaction of the fans appeared to be panic upon the announcement of the new quarterback who is not actually a quarterback. After a little investigating, however, it appears Davis actually does have experience at the position, as he quarterbacked his 7th grade team to state runner up in 1998, just before he dropped out of junior high school….however, he has not thrown a football since that time. He then received his GED on his fourth try in 2003 then learned his current trade as a plumber. Although expectations will certainly not be very high, Davis admitted that he will still feel pressure to perform well for the Rebels. As well he should, as for the last 7 years, the Rebels (sorry, Blackbears) have treated their quarterbacks like they were going to be the second coming of Jesus Christ, i.e. Brent Shaeffer, Jevan Snead, and Jeremiah Masoli. And in an ironic twist, all of these men will soon be looking to the new Rebels QB for training on how to be a plumber, as that is how well their football “careers” have worked out for them. But Fred Davis is not looking at the past, he focuses now on the future and this week against Georgia, because as he tells us, “I know how I have to perform this week. I must be flawless, because I know this opportunity could be gone just as fast as it came….seriously, I know that because word is that coach Nutt already has his eye on a local pizza delivery guy to come in and take some snaps next week.”

 Oxford, Mississippi – The Ole Miss Rebels football team took a hit yesterday when the latest quarterback they’ve propped up as their savior was ruled ineligible by the NCAA. Former Oregon QB Jeremiah Masoli, who transferred to Ole Miss when he was kicked off of the team at Oregon was denied a request for a waiver from the rule that a player must sit out one season if transferring from one FBS school to another. Ole Miss athletic director, Pete Boone, said the ruling was “subjective” and that the school plans to appeal…..for some reason. Head coach Houston Nutt spoke about the ruling at a press conference yesterday, saying that he wants to plead with the subcommittee. “Jeremiah has done everything he’s supposed to do”, Nutt said, “you know, besides robbing people and being pulled over with weed a month later. We are in the people helping business” Nutt said in a moment where it was not quite clear if he realized how phony and lame that statement sounded. “There’s no question in my mind Jeremiah is in the right place” Nutt then said, noting that since the quarterback arrived at Ole Miss, coaches have worked on his footwork so he could be able to run away from police, his endurance in case he needs to run a long distance to escape them, and his arm strength so if and when he has the desire to assault someone, he can do so. Jeremiah Masoli then spoke briefly, stating “I’m just shocked and disappointed, I’ve done everything I can to follow the rules.” However, he could barely get the word rules out before breaking into laughter. After which he said “Man, I couldn’t keep a straight face on that one, could I? But I still have faith, I just hope the NCAA will find it in their hearts to do the right thing.” He then whispered “They already did the right thing” so the coaches would not hear him. Athletic director Pete Boone then took to the podium. “As you know, at Ole Miss, we view our quarterbacks as saviors. Eli Manning was our God, then as Brent Schaeffer came in, we thought he was going to be kind of like our own Jesus, ya know? But that didn’t work out very well. Then we put all our faith in Jevan Snead, that he was going to deliver us to an SEC title, win a heisman, and look what how that shit turned out! But then along came Jeremiah Masoli, crucified at the University of Oregon but then rising again here in Oxford, but fear not, he will rise again! Hotty Toddy!” As Boone then exited the stage, many reporters in the crowd seemed confused and extremely uncomfortable that he had just used so many religious comparisons, with one female reporter even crying over what she had just heard. Ole Miss officials are now hoping those tears of confusion and fright will become tears of joy, as they expect to learn the NCAA’s response to their appeal by the end of next week.