Jackson, Mississippi – Tensions between the United States and South Korea are at an all time high today, though not for the reasons one may think. Typically, situations like this arise between two countries due to religion, politics, etc. In this case, however, it is all because of one Mississippi man and his incredibly inappropriate pick-up line he used with a girl recently. Jackson resident, Benjamin Douglas, reportedly approached Seohee Song, a South Korean native who attends a local college in Jackson, after seeing her on a newscast the night before, in which she was speaking of the current situation involving her parents back home and their fear of recent threats made by neighboring North Korea. Douglas reportedly located her at a bar the next night, approached her, and asked “Are you constipated?” before immediately adding “Because I want to fuck the shit out of you.” Song was understandably upset and confused. Afterward, her feelings turned to anger as she was repeating the story to friends and family back home via a Facetime conversation. Enraged, her family then told South Korean authorities, who then contacted the White House. Word then reached President Barack Obama, who immediately went on record as saying that “The words spoken by Douglas to Song have been seen as a verbal assault from our country to hers” and that he “Could not even fathom how someone could use such a pick-up line.” He then paused before saying “But what else would I expect from someone from Mississippi?” It is unknown at this time exactly how Obama is planning to deal with Douglas, but the president could later be seen very clearly mouthing the words “Guantanamo” and “water boarding” to a secret service agent.

New Orleans, Louisiana – Over the weekend, portions of an interview with President Obama in which he spoke on safety in football were released. In the article, he admits that if he had a son, it would be a touch decision to let him play football.”I’m a big football fan, but I have to tell you if I had a son, I’d have to think long and hard before I let him play football,” said the president. He then went on to speak on the changes he sees coming for football at all age levels, changes he thinks will make the game safer.“In some cases, that may make it a little bit less exciting, but it will be a whole lot better for the players, and those of us who are fans maybe won’t have to examine our consciences quite as much” he said about those possible changes. ESPN quickly picked up on these statements and have been showing them at least once an hour every hour for the past two days, as ESPN does every fucking story they cover. Obama’s comments and the amount of coverage they have received will certainly satisfy those of us who often find themselves watching a football game and thinking “You know, I can’t help but thinking if President Obama thinks these players are safe enough!” It’s a typical scenario almost every week of the season – you’re watching a game, a big play happens, and you begin to wonder what the President of the United States has to say about how safe these players are. By the time you get done checking his Twitter, searching on Google, and scouring the official White House website, you have missed the entire third quarter. Certainly, thanks should be in order for the interviewer who asked his opinion on this matter that in no way affects him. ESPN should certainly be thanked, as they often provide us with answers to burning questions like this when they show things like what basketball player LeBron James thinks about a South Carolina football game or what rapper Jay Z has to say about a Los Angeles Lakers game. Perhaps the biggest thank you of all should be for Obama himself for speaking the words “Those of us who are fans maybe won’t have to examine our consciences quite as much” and for the endless laughter this comment provides, as if any time there is an injury during a game, anyone “examines their conscience.”

Washington, D.C. – With thousands on hand for the presidential inauguration this morning, vice president Joe Biden took the time to announce that he plans to begin a new career in professional wrestling. Biden began his speech this morning just like anyone would expect, praising President Obama for being a good man, talking about how much he has accomplished the last four years, how much he will accomplish in the next four years, and various other lies like that. Things then took an unexpected turn when he stated “However, the next four years for me will feature spandex tights, blood, and powerbombs, as I will be beginning my career as a professional wrestler.” Biden then explained how he came about the decision to embark upon such a career change, saying “It’s clear to everyone that I’m just a loose cannon. Another thing that may not be clear to everyone is that I love busting skulls and have long had a thurst for destruction, so much so that just the though of it gives me a murder boner.” Biden then informed the crowd that he will now be referred to by his new wrestling name, Joe “The Joe” Biden as he has signed a contract with the WWE. He then took the microphone from the podium and issued a challenge to the Undertaker. Apparently, Biden’s new character will stay politically themed as he rambled on about how he was “tired of seeing innocent children killed, sent to the undertaker instead of living their dreams” and that “two things are going to stop that from happening: gun control and me whipping your ass and ending your undefeated streak at Wrestlemania!” He then ripped off his suit to reveal a t shirt that said BIDEN 3:16 and screamed “Undertaker, your days are numbered, and “The Joe” means numbered!” Biden then stated he would be at WWE Monday Night Raw tonight and would be “giving everyone a message of what’s to come by whipping CM Punk’s damn ass.” We contacted WWE officials, who informed us that there have been absolutely no discussions involving the vice president, Undertaker, or CM Punk. The company’s owner, Vince McMahon even told us “Jesus Christ, I’ve never even talked to this guy.”

Washington, D.C. - Earlier this morning, president Obama held a press conference to address proposed executive orders and legislation on guns. After he was done speaking and hugging children he cares nothing about, he signed the 23 executive orders. Immediately after he did so, the uproar began from rednecks everywhere who cannot bear the thought of not being able to purchase high powered firearms capable of blowing a hole through something. And why shouldn’t they be angry? It’s certainly not Obama’s business why a regular person would need such a powerful weapon. Though most of the 23 orders pertained to background checks and mental health issues, they did include proposals to reinstate and strengthen the assault weapons ban and place a 10 round limit on ammunition magazines. Only 10 rounds?! What kind of bullshit is this? What if you need to shoot something A LOT? Then what? Officials from certain states such as Mississippi and Oregon immediately sent letters urging local lawmakers to pass legislation that would make such orders from the president illegal to enforce in their states. However, a compromise is expected to be reached, as Mississippi governor Phil Bryant has since stated that he would accept orders such as the one that would ensure health insurance plans pay for mental health benefits, as long as those same plans pay for dipping tobacco.

Denver, Colorado - With election day almost a month away and the first presidential debate upon us, neither Mitt Romney nor President Barack Obama seems to be addressing one of the country’s most critical issues – the lack of a Winona Ryder sex tape. Unemployment, the economy, the housing market, abortion, social security – all of these topics and more have been discussed by both candidates, yet not one word has been mentioned of this nation being deprived of seeing Winona Ryder engage in sexual intercourse. And perhaps even more insulting is the fact that most of these previously mentioned issues are relatively recent, with high unemployment and a poor economy becoming large issues just in the past 5 years or so. On the other hand, the United States has been not just wanting, but needing a sex tape of Winona Ryder since 1990 when she started coming into her own in the film Edward Scissorhands, though she really began looking right in Heathers two years prior (but she was only 17, so that’s neither here nor there.) When Reality Bites was released in 1994, America’s desire to see Winona Ryder in erotic action was firmly cemented. Here we are 18 years later, and that desire still exists. Perhaps between now and November 6, one of these men, be it President Obama or his challenger, Romney, will get in front of this issue and face it head on. Both mean speak of how the United States of America remains the greatest land of opportunity there is. However, as long as we remain starved of a video of actress Winona Ryder involved in hardcore and downright dangerous sexual acts, then how much opportunity truly still exists in this country?

Charlotte, North Carolina - Fuck face hipsters everywhere have had a new topic to discuss as they gather in their coffee shops in the “arts disctrict” of towns everywhere. Mitt Romney stated last week that he would cut all federal funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, PBS, and NPR if elected president. These statements have left these artsy assholes more angry than if they lost their favorite pair of black thick rimmed glasses. Getting rid of such programs would reportedly save the government $2 billion a year, which quite honestly would not make much of a dent compared to what the country spends in other areas. However, two billion dollars is two billion dollars, and the only other way to save that kind of money is to place a tax on fedoras and skinny jeans, Romney warns. This issue will certainly be a hot issue heading into November…. Well, not among most people in the country, but among those who spend their time exclusively in historical arts districts talking about how “beautifully artistic” the latest Wes Anderson movie is. Before November, they much make a decision, however… Do you continue to model your life after doing and saying things simply because they are contrarian OR do you want the price of the fedoras and skinny jeans you love so much to skyrocket? Yet another issue in this all important election of 2012.

Washington, D.C. - The United States Marine Corp is under fire after a video has surfaced which shows Marines urinating on the dead bodies of Taliban militants in Afghanistan. The video has caused outrage among many politically correct assholes throughout the world, including U.S. defense secretary, Leon Panetta, who calls the actions in the video “utterly deplorable.” Of course it is deplorable! Look, just because a person wants nothing more than to kill you, your family, friends, and everyone in the United States, then actively tries to do so, does not mean you should be disrespectful! Afghan president Hamid Karzai, agrees, calling the video “shocking” and demanding that the U.S punish the Marines involved. Hopefully, U.S. officials will listen and respect the request of a man who is in charge of a country housing so many people who’s sole purpose in life is to kill Americans. It appears they will do just that, as the aforementioned pussy Leon Panetta is quoted as saying “This conduct is entirely inappropriate for members of the United States military and does not reflect the standards or values our armed forces are sworn to uphold. Those found to have engaged in such conduct will be held accountable to the fullest extent.” Senator John McCain weighed in on “CBS This Morning,” saying that the video is “a handful of undisciplined young people, of the 100-some-thousand Marines we have. It makes me so sad.” One can only wonder if it makes him quite as sad as being a complete failure in the 2008 presidential race. It should, however, be noted that MCain most likely would not have been as big a failure as the embarrassing Barack Obama. A full investigation will soon be launched into the video to determine where and when it was filmed. So let this serve as a valuable lesson to us all, especially those in the military: Just because a person or in this case, a group of people, are responsible for the biggest terrorist attack in American history and have killed thousands and now wish to kill you, your family, friends, and everyone else in the United States simply for having a different belief, is absolutely no reason to be disrespectful. Be nice!

Washington, D.C. – Abortion has and will always be a hot button topic. The debates have raged for decades, both politically and personally. With the upcoming presidential election, these debates are sure to be brought into the forefront once again. Some candidates and their supporters will argue on the side of pro-life, some on the side of pro-abortion, while others will support pro-choice. No matter what side, most of these people are insane. Pro-life supporters have killed doctors, pro-abortion supporters have killed expectant mothers, and pro-choice supporters have sat back, smoked weed, and laughed at all of these stupid assholes. Luckily, a new campaign is set to kick off tomorrow called the “It’s not a child, it’s a trap” campaign. This is, of course, a play on the phrase “It’s a child, not a choice” that you see on so many bumper stickers. The founders of the “It’s not a child, it’s a trap” is a campaign realize that many women use a pregnancy to trap men into staying with them. This method has become an extremely popular and effective one in recent years. The campaign is designed to educate men how the trap works. Usually, the woman will first make sure she becomes friends with the man’s mother (frequently going shopping, eating lunch, etc.) Her thought is “Well, if I’m best friends with his mom, then she will make sure he never leaves.” Sadly, according to the campaign’s numbers, this plan works an average of 71 percent of the time. Once the woman’s plan reaches step 2 – which is to slowly get the man’s mother to start paying their bills for them – the success rate reaches an alarming 83 percent. Finally, once the woman announces she is pregnant, the percentage of success reaches an astounding 94 percent. At that point, the trap is set. The man then falls into the trap slowly (usually for 9 months or so.) The process is then complete and has been a success for the woman, who by now has quit her job with no intent to return, but instead continue to have the man’s mother pay for the bulk of her bills while she spends her own money on shoes, purses, and massages. According to the report, it is at this point when the man simply stops caring and waits for the sweet embrace of death. With the Iowa caucus behind us, this new campaign is expecting to begin gaining steam at next week’s New Hampshire primary. Though it is unclear which GOP candidate or candidates will support the campaign, early word is that it will be Texas governor Rick Perry – if, of course, he is not too drunk to actually speak on the topic. So as the the debates, arguments, murders, and wars rage on over which batshit crazy side is right: pro-life, pro-abortion, or pro-choice, at least now there is a new choice, a new campaign, a new slogan: “It’s not a child, it’s a trap.”

Detroit, Michigan – With the national unemployment rate at 9.1 percent and fresh off last weeks news that zero jobs were added in this country last month, President Obama was in Detroit to deliver his Labor Day speech – I mean, Lack of Labor Day Speech. The speech comes just 3 days before the president is set to deliver his speech on the economy and how to restore it. It is also just 3 days until nobody watches that speech because he has chosen to deliver it at the same time as the first NFL game of the season. But for today, Obama had the attention of the crowd in Detroit. The misguided crowd who foolishly chanted “4 more years” when he spoke. The president assured them that even though the country is going through hard times, that we have been through hard times before, and that he is not worried (mainly because he gets paid over $400,000 a year and has to pay for very little.) President Obama didn’t speak much about his speech on Thursday, as to not give anything away, telling the crowd he wants them to tune in to listen. Much of what Obama DID say was about having confidence in our nation (for some reason.) He said he opposes the neysayers and those who always say “no we can’t”, to which the moronic crowd shouted “yes we can”, which was Obama’s campaign slogan in 2008. Three unfortunate years later, as we stand on the brink of financial ruin as a nation, let us listen to Obama’s words from his speech today, let us tune in Thursday to his speech (unless the Packers/Saints game is good.) Let us take pride in our work (although no one really has any work) It’s not our job to say our situation is Obama’s fault. It may be, it may not be, but it almost certainly IS. But today, let us not place blame. Let’s just celebrate this Lack of Labor Day with the usual cookouts (wait, we don’t have money for that), family vacations (sorry, can’t afford those either), or just take it easy on a rare day off from work (pretty much a normal Monday) During these hard times, let us just remember that Obama makes more than $400,000 per year, has a personal chef, doesn’t pay for meals, and has his travel and vacations paid for. And if a man like that says he’s not worried about our country facing hard times, then why should we? Happy Lack of Labor Day everybody!

Cupertino, California - Apple officially has more money that the United States federal government, so says a report that surfaced earlier today. The report stated that while the treasury department has $73.7 billion in reserve cash, the computer company has $76.4 billion. After this information went public, Apple CEO, Steve Jobs, held a press conference to announce that he will be running for president in 2012. Below is a transcript of the press conference:

“Hello everybody. The first thing I would like to do today is to invite President Barack Obama to suck it! I say that with no due respect whatsoever. I invented the iPhone, bitch! What have you invented? My company has more money that the entire country? How does that taste? Look, I roll out the same product year after year and tell people it’s new each time, and do you know what happens? They buy the hell out of it! Hell, I’ve come out with 27 different versions of the iPod…they all pretty much do the same thing! You’ve gotta ask yourself who would make a better president… a guy who invented the iPhone…or a guy who did not? I invented the iPhone! America needs someone who knows how to save this country money. I am that man. Hell, I only own one outfit – a pair of jeans and a black turtleneck. I just wear them all the time. Boom! Tons of savings! And guess what else…I invented the iPad. Heard of it? Now, I dont mean to just keep mentioning great things that I’ve invented, which, I’m not sure if I told you, but I invtented the iPhone….I mean, come on! The iPhone?! Forget about it! Our last presidential election, we were fooled by promises of “yes we can.” Now, I can respect the message that we, as Americans, can do many things, because as they say, there’s no I in team. And that’s what we are, America, one big team. But you know what does have an i? iPhone! I invented it!!! So, I, Steve Jobs, remind you that the days of “yes we can” are over. As we now move toward the elction, remember the official slogan of the Steve Jobs campaign: iGot This! Thank you everybody. iLove you all!”