Tuscaloosa, Alabama - Early in 2011, the University of Alabama unveiled a statue of head football coach Nick Saban outside of Bryant-Denny Stadium. Since then, the Crimson Tide have won 2 national championships, something that, as of this morning, has Saban calling for a second statue. Reports began to surface late last night after Alabama’s 42-14 dismantling of Notre Dame, that Saban demanded a second statue of himself be constructed and placed directly in front of the first one. However, Saban was very specific about the details of this one. Some of those specifics are that he wants this statue placed exactly 3 yards away and facing the first, because according to Saban, he “wants this statue to be able to admire the greatness that is Nick Saban.” Another demand Saban had for the new statue was that he wanted a much larger bulge constucted in the crotch region because, once again, according to the coach himself, “I swing a big dong, and other people and other Nick Saban statues need to know that.” The university has reportedly already begun drawing up the plans and are set to begin erecting the statue next week. Saban, who has now won three national championships at Alabama, has already stated that he plans to win four more at the school, which would allow him to pass the legendary coach Bear Bryant and the six he won for the Crimson Tide. According to Saban, after that happens, he wants the original Nick Saban statue AND the Bear Bryant statue melted down together, then used to create an even larger “Super Saban” statue, which Saban says will be “about a foot taller and an even larger bulge… like, huge.”

Tuscaloosa, Alabama - Many Alabama fans have reportedly begun using recordings of last night’s BCS national championship game against Notre Dame in the place of porn. Apparently, the way that the Crimson Tide completely demolished the Irish had these fans so aroused, that they have already begun playing the game back on their DVRs and pleasuring themselves to it. A small number of them are reportedly playing the game back, pausing it during shots of AJ McCarron’s girlfriend, and catching whacks that way, which is completely understandable. The bulk of them, however, are jerking off to the actual game itself, aroused by an 18 yard run up the middle by Eddie Lacy, engorged by a 34 yard pass down the sideline to Amari Cooper. At this time, the game is being considered a form of fetish porn, as these people are basically jerking off while watching rape take place.

Miami, Florida - When polled last month about who they would rather see win tonight’s BCS national championship game between Alabama and Notre Dame, college football fans were extremely divided. 53 percent said they wanted to see the Crimson Tide win while 47 percent said they wanted to see the Irish come away with a victory. In the most dramatic shift in history, new polls have 100 percent of college football fans polled in favor of Alabama in tonight’s big game. This comes on the heels of ESPN personality Lou Holtz stating that he would kill himself if Notre Dame were to lose this game. Researchers have said there is no one reason for such a shift after Holtz’ vow to meet demise at his own hands if the Irish lose, instead concluding that there are most likely numerous reasons. According to those researchers, those reasons include the fact that because he was the coach of Notre Dame, he is such a homer that he is many times blinded to reality, he is just an old senile fuck who gets lost in his own thoughts while trying to talk about college football, and that it is absolutely excrutiating to listen to him spit all over the place as he talks, so much so that it makes me want to kill myself just listening to him, so better him leave this earth than me

Auburn, Alabama - New head football coach, Gus Malzahn got off a plane this morning and stepped onto familiar territory. Malzahn was the offensive coordinator at Auburn just two years ago when the Tigers and Cam Newton won the national championship. Fans were waiting for him as he stopped off of that plane, cheering, applauding, completely excited over the idea of what Malzahn may bring back to Auburn. The problem with that theory, however, is that Cam Newton is no longer there. In Newton, the Tigers had the absolute best quarterback money could buy, but with Auburn now dealing with paying a new coach AND still paying former coach Gene Chizik, they are left with very little money to go out and buy another quarterback of his caliber. The larger problem, however, is not who is on their team or who is the coach of their team. It is who is on the other SEC team in the state and who coaches that team. That, of course, being the University of Alabama, and Nick Saban. Fans quickly realized this as they all began to dissipate and joy turned to sadness. It was as if all at once, they realized that it doesn’t matter who may be called COACH of Auburn, Nick Saban is the OWNER.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana - It was thrilling finish in a stadium packed with rude, obnoxious, drunk assholes and whores. Alabama, whose offense had gone cold the entire second half scored a go ahead touchdown with 51 seconds to go and defeated LSU 21-17. This ending gave LSU fans yet another reason to hate Alabama, as if this rivalry needed even more bad feelings than it has already produced. For anybody outside of the SEC region, it may be hard to grasp just how intense the dislike is between the two teams. To put it in perspective: As much as LSU fans HATE Alabama, Alabama LOVES fucking their sisters just as much, if not more. It’s well known how much men love fucking their sisters in Alabama. It’s like they can’t get enough of it. So take that same amount of love, but turn it to hate. Then you have an idea of how much LSU hates Alabama

Tuscaloosa, Alabama - Last week, we reported that experts were expecting a major drop in sister fucking in the states of Alabama and Mississippi during the nationally televised Alabama/Mississippi State game last night. The numbers are in and experts are finding themselves absolutely shocked by the results. As expected, the number of men banging their sisters during last night’s game fell dramatically in the state of Mississippi. The shocking part, however, is that the number actually ROSE in the state of Alabama. According to the report, Mississippi saw a 87 percent decrease during the game, while Alabama actually saw a 32 pecent increase in cases of dudes banging their sisters. In Mississippi, the large drop was actually seen due to many delusional Bulldogs fans who actually thought they had a chance of beating the Crimson Tide. On the other side, as the game went on and the Crimson Tide increased their lead, more and more men in Alabama who had previously never engaged in sexual intercourse with their sisters began asking for mouth favors from their siblings, some out of boredom and some because it’s Alabama…and you can’t expect them NOT to bang their sisters!

Tuscaloosa, Alabama - Experts are predicting that the country will see a record drop in sister fucking Saturday night when Alabama and Mississippi State face off in front of a national audience on ESPN. Alabama not only ranks number 1 in the BCS, but the state ranks number 1 in the amount of men who are currently engaged in sexual relationships with their sisters. Mississippi State, ranked 11th in the BCS, comes in to this game representing the state of Mississippi, who has the third highest amount of men who bang their sisters. Sandwiched in the middle at #2 nationally is the state of Arkansas, but no one gives a shit about their football team. With Mississippi State coming into this game undefeated, their fans are foolishly optimistic that they will be able to upset the Tide – which is both sad and delusional, but you must admire their spirit. Nevertheless, this matchup will certainly draw plenty of eyes from both states – Alabama AND Mississippi, thus drawing attention AWAY from their sisters – who they would be banging under normal circumstances. If the Bulldogs were to upset the Tide Saturday, one would certainly expect to see the amount of sisters being banged rise due to celebration. However, the same is likely true for Alabama, as a win would keep their chances for a national championship rolling along. Look, it’s Mississippi and it’s Alabama, ok? You know that no matter what, plenty of brothers and sisters are having sex either way. Also expected Saturday night is that Bryant-Denny Stadium in Tuscaloosa is expected to become the second largest gathering in college football history of men who are currently banging their sisters. It will rank only behind the annual matchup of West Virginia and Marshall – which is a record that is sure to never be topped, because you know that EVERYONE involved there is fucking their sister.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana - As Monday’s BCS championship game matchup between LSU and Alabama draws closer, talk continues of their previous meeting in November, both teams’ exceptional defense, and even if this is the matchup we should have. Amongst all of this talk is one thing that we should all take a moment to remember, and that is what a complete piece of shit LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson is. The QB, who will finish his extremely mediocre career in Monday’s game, missed the team’s first four games after he was arrested in August for his role in a bar fight where he kicked a man in the face. After he KICKED A MAN IN THE FUCKING FACE, he was charged with felony second degree battery. One month later, the charges were reduced to simple battery, a misdemeanor. He was then reinstated to the team by head coach Les Miles, who would likely kick his own mother in the face if it gave him the best chance to win. Thanks to Les Miles lack of integrity, Jefferson saw his first action of the season October 1 against Kentucky. The piece of shit then continued to be rewarded for his actions of a little bitch, as he received more and more playing time, eventually “earning” his starting job back. Monday will mark the close of Jefferson’s career, which featured an unimpressive 34 touchdowns and 19 interceptions. He will then move on to the next stage in his life – working at the Taco Bell drive thru (or it could be McDonalds or KFC) because as Jefferson tells us, his options are wide open. So as anticipation builds for Monday’s game, we should obviously pay attention to the two teams’ stats, the records, the history, and the hype. But amid all of that, let’s not forget that Jordan Jefferson is one of the biggest pieces of shit in college sports today (even ahead of gigantic piece of shit Mississippi State basketball player Renardo Sidney.)

Tuscaloosa, Alabama – In college football these days, it’s difficult for a national champion to repeat the following season. Forget difficult, it’s almost impossible. The Alabama Crimson Tide will be the latest team to try to turn that impossibility into reality this season. And head coach Nick Saban, entering his fourth season as head coach of the Tide, knows the dangers his team will face in the quest for their second consecutive perfect season. There are the obvious – loss of key players to the draft, injuries, teams hungry to prove themselves against the recent NCAA champ, luck, and even just good old superstition. That’s right, superstition played a large part in the Crimson Tide’s national championship run in 2009. As we saw in the ESPN special “Training Days”, before every game last year, Saban’s daughter, Kristen, gave him a penny, which he considered his lucky penny. This season, Saban has decided to take it a step further to keep his team motivated to keep winning. He has decided to forego the penny and go straight to the source: his daughter. In a move that many are questioning, the coach will be offering his daughter on a game by game basis to the player who turns in a star performance, provided they win that day. The player will then take posession of Kristen Saban until the following Friday afternoon to have her cook for them, clean their house, cut their grass, whatever tasks the player needs done. By the way, I know what you’re thinking, and no, those tasks DO NOT include sex. Coach Saban was quick to make that rule, and said only “hand stuff” will be allowed…unless you’re Mark Ingram. “That boy won a heisman” said Saban, “he can do what he wants.” Many Alabama fans are questioning this rule, however, not because they view it as immoral, but because they question how effective this motivational tool will actually be. To quote one Crimson Tide fan – “Aww hell, I thought he wanted to win til he put that stupid no sex rule in there, you think Bear Bryant would have stopped at “hand stuff?!” Hell no!!” Another fan was quoted as saying “Look, we still gonna win every game, but now he done gone and put that stupid rule in there so we probably only gonna win every game by 40 instead of 50. Bear Bryant would roll over in his grave!” A third fan simply shouted “BEAR BRYANT!” and walked away. Dillusional, stuck in the past fans aside, Saban believes this will be a very effective motivational tool this season and is already planning on what to use to motivate his team for the 2011 season. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ll probably tell my team that if they don’t win another national title that year, then Julio Jones dies! I figure I can then make my escape by moving down to Tampa Bay and coaching the Buccaneers. I mean, that’s a pretty easy way of making sure you’re never heard from again, right? Roll Tide!”