Posted on 26 April 2013 by bmar1127
New York, New York - The New York Jets continued to show that they don’t know what they are doing when they used the 39th pick in the draft to select quarterback Geno Smith out of West Virginia. Smith will now join Mark Sanchez, Greg McElroy, Tim Tebow, David Garrard, and Matt Sims as the largest collection of shitty quarterbacks to ever be a part of one team. Smith comes in with great fanfare after a stellar college career. It should also be noted that career was full of games against opponents such as Uconn, Marshall, Pittsburg, South Florida, etc. Smith was a lock to win the Heisman trophy last season after winning his first five games while throwing 24 touchdowns and 0 interceptions. He then threw 5 interceptions in his next 5 games, all of which were losses by West Virginia, proving how moronic it is to declare someone a Heisman winner after 5 games. Overall though, Smith’s star shined bright throughout his college career, as he feasted on defenses more times than not….in the Big East and Big 12 – two conferences known for their shitty defenses. It will certainly be an interesting offseason in New York as Rex Ryan and company will try to sift through this massive pile of QBs and see which one of these pieces of shit floats to the top.
Posted on 02 April 2013 by bmar1127
Glendale, Arizona - The Oakland Raiders have been anxious to get their hands on some of the new Cool Ranch Doritos tacos. The Arizona Cardinals have been looking for a mediocre quarterback whose best football days are behind him. Both teams got exactly what they wanted earlier today when the Raiders traded quarterback Carson Palmer to the Cardinals for 6 Cool Ranch Doritos tacos and a 6th round pick in this years draft. The Cardinals also threw in a conditional 7th round pick for 2014 if Palmer starts 13 games this season. Since he likely will not start that many games due to poor play, the Raiders are focusing primarily on the Taco Bell. In a shrewd negotiating maneuver, the Raiders also were able to throw in the terms that if Palmer starts simply 3 games next season, then the Cardinals will have to provide an additional 5 buck box from Taco Bell. Given how shitty the Cardinals’ quarterback situation is, those terms are likely to be met, even after Palmer throws 4 interceptions in his first game (hey, who else are they gonna go to? Drew Stanton?!) Most in the NFL have been complimentary of the Raiders for pulling off a bargain move like this. A few, however, have said the Raiders did not get enough value in return. So the question is: Who got more value in this trade? The Arizona Cardinals with new QB Carson Palmer OR The Oakland Raiders with their delicious Taco Bell Cool Ranch Dorito tacos? The answer is very clearly the Oakland Raiders.
Posted on 01 April 2013 by bmar1127
Oakland, California – Quarterback Matt Flynn was forced to give up his dream of winning a Super Bowl as a starter when he was traded to the Oakland Raiders earlier today. Flynn, who has started only two games in his NFL career, had created quite a buzz two seasons ago when he threw for 480 yards in one game as a member of the Green Bay Packers. That buzz landed him a 3 year/$19.5 million deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Despite that high priced free agent deal, Flynn never gained the starting job in Seattle when Pete Carroll opened the competition at quarterback, a battle that was eventually won by then rookie Russell Wilson. After the success Wilson had in his first season, the Seahawks saw Flynn as expendable and began searching for willing takers. Enter the always terrible Raiders. With the move to Oakland, Flynn will now have a new chance to focus on the next phase of his life: life after football, which will likely begin in the next three years due to the fact that Oakland is where careers go to die. To his credit, Flynn was upbeat about the trade, though quite sarcastically. He thanked the Raiders earlier, saying that he “had always dreamed of being able to retire as an NFL football player, now the Raiders will be giving me that chance sooner than I even imagined.” He added that he was “excited to join such a tradition rich team that has a history of making moves that seem to let you know they know EXACTLY what they are doing.” He then mentioned JaMarcus Russell, Darrius Heyward-Bey, Randy Moss, Carson Palmer, coach Tom Cable, coach Hue Jackson, coach Norv Turner. He seemed to have many more names he was going to mention, but simply said “ah, Fuck it” and walked away.
Posted on 01 April 2013 by bmar1127
Arlington, Texas - Jerry Jones wanted to get a jump on his April fools day prank. He did just that last Friday as he gave quarterback Tony Romo a 6 year extension worth $180 million, including $55 million guaranteed. In doing so, he pulled the ultimate prank on Cowboys fans everywhere by making them believe that Romo is an elite quarterback who deserves such elite money. Jones, who is apparently a huge fan of pranks, had been setting up this April Fools joke for months, as he began making claims months ago that Tony Romo is “capable of big things.” Perhaps by “big things,” he means doubling Romo’s career playoff wins to two in the next 7 years. Perhaps those “big things” are not having 3 or 4 interception games multiple times during a season. Whatever his delusional thinking is, Jones and the Cowboys have certainly played quite the memorable prank this April Fools day, guaranteeing Tony Romo $55 million, thus guaranteeing the Cowboys will not win a Super Bowl for at least the next 6 years.
Posted on 25 February 2013 by bmar1127
Indianapolis, Indiana - Manti Te’o turned in a performance today at the NFL scouting combine that was almost as horrible as his teeth, running a 4.81 40 yard dash. It was already known that Te’o is a fucking moron, but that was not expected to hold him back too much, as NFL rosters are full of guys who probably even need help spelling their own names. It was also already known that Te’o is a liar – also not something that would likely hurt him too much, as there are plenty of people in the NFL who lie, like people who say Darrelle Revis is not overrated. But slow? Now that is something that will surely hurt your draft stock. Also slightly damaging was the fact that he measured in at 6’1, 241 pounds after being listed at 6’2, 255 all season long at Notre Dame. But then again, Notre Dame has a tendency to exaggerate certain things like that, along with how good their team is, and about how much they actually matter, and that they deserve to be anywhere close to a BCS bowl game. Finally, there is the fact that Te’o did not bench press at the combine due to a “stinger” in his shoulder. Certainly, it is not something that is going to kill one’s draft stock simply because we can’t see how many times he can lift 225 pounds, but showing he’s a pussy is. Te’o hopes to perform better next month at Notre Dame’s pro day in a familiar environment amongst familiar teammates with a little less pressure…..kind of like the 12 games before Alabama.
Posted on 11 February 2013 by bmar1127
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - The Philadelphia Eagles made yet another terrible decision today and have agreed to a new one year deal with quarterback and terrible human being, Micheal Vick. The deal is said to be worth up to $10 million, proving once again that Eagles management are complete morons. Vick suffered his worst season in Philadelphia last year statistically and was often injured (which happens about every 3 or 4 games of his career.) Unfortunately, Vick never suffered an injury as serious as a broken neck, as we hoped he would every game he played. Perhaps with this new one year deal, he will do so before it is up. When asked for comment, the horrible quarterback had the following to say: “I am grateful and proud to be a Philadelphia Eagle. My heart is in Philly and killing all the dogs in this community is important to me. I look forward to playing for coach Kelly and killing dogs who can’t fight back. I am training hard this offseason on new ways to brutally murder dogs and will be ready for coach Kelly’s team vision and leadership. Our goal is to win…and kill A LOT of dogs.”
Posted on 10 February 2013 by bmar1127
New Orleans, Louisiana – The New Orleans Saints have hired the always homeless appearing, Rob Ryan as defensive coordinator. Rob, a fat, loud mouth, delusional, mediocre coach, is the brother of fat, loud mouth, delusional, mediocre head coach of the New York Jets, Rex Ryan. After being let go by the Dallas Cowboys last month, Ryan said he would find another spot because he is “too damn good” and “I’ll be out of work like five minutes.” Apparently being “too damn good” is your defense ranking 14th in yards allowed and 23rd in points allowed. However, anything is better than the total shit show that was the Saints’ defense this past season. This will be Ryan’s fourth stop since 2004 as defensive coordinator in the NFL. None of his defenses have ever made the playoffs, which should fit perfectly with the mediocre style of play in New Orleans. Ryan will also likely be a perfect fit with the people of New Orleans as well, given his constant disgusting hobo look, as the city is filled with hobos and disgusting people.
Posted on 04 February 2013 by bmar1127
San Francisco, California - Colin Kaepernick says it’s going to take time to get over last night’s Super Bowl loss, but also says the healing process has already begun. “I just keep reminding myself that it could be worse…I could be Tony Romo,” the second year quarterback said. Kapernick said he got home to San Francisco early this morning and has “spent the day focusing on the good things in life, things like not being Tony Romo.” “You gotta take the bad with the good,” he says. “You can’t just dwell on that loss. You have to focus on the wins we had as well, or else you’ll drive yourself crazy.” Those wins – at home against Green Bay and at Atlanta – already give him more playoff wins than Romo has in his career of more than six years, while Kaepernick did not even start a full season. And though he says it’s hard right now to block out thoughts of last night’s game, he is doing his best just to count his blessings – the biggest of which, according to Kaepernick is “not being Tony Romo.”
Posted on 03 February 2013 by bmar1127
New Orleans, Louisiana – So first the Ravens were fucking the 49ers where they stood, then the 49ers were fucking the Ravens where they stood, then the referees fucked the 49ers where they stood. Super Bowl XLVII turned out to be one of the biggest fuckfests in history tonight as the Baltimore Ravens defeated the San Francisco 49ers 34-31. The game looked like it was going to be a blowout early in the third quarter with the Ravens up 28-6. Then the power went out in the Superdome, causing a 34 minute delay, thus fucking everyone viewing the game where they stood. That’s typical New Orleans. You know you can’t give those disgusting assholes anything nice, they’ll find some way to ruin it. After the power came back on, the momentum swung heavily in the 49ers favor as they quickly scored 17 unanswered points to bring it to within 28-23. A Baltimore field goal and a San Francisco touchdown and missed two point conversion made the score 31-29 late in the game. Then, with the Ravens leading 34-29 with only 1:50 to go, the 49ers were forced to go for it on a 4th and goal from the 5. That is when the referees completely fucked the 49ers where they stood when receiver Michael Crabtree was held in the end zone, but no call was made. The ball fell to the turf as posession and the victory went to the Ravens. It was an unpredictable evening to say the least. The most predictable moment of the evening came in the postgame celebration when the first words out of Ray Lewis’ mouth were “When God is for you, who can be against you?!” Think we all grew tired of that act, Ray. Other than that, it was a completely unpredictable night for the Super Bowl. And it was such a giant fuckfest, that we have even received word that at one point when the lights went out, former NFL quarterback and nearby Mississippi resident, Brett Favre, had sex with some lady in a Superdome bathroom
Posted on 03 February 2013 by bmar1127
New Orleans, Louisiana – The Super Bowl is here and ESPN officials are scrambling to try to reach their goal of talking about the Harbaugh family 500 times. They are close, currently sitting at 417 mentions in the last two weeks. Whether it be lame as fuck phrases like “Super-Baugh, or “Harbaugh Bowl” or stories of the Harbaughs’ mother and father, ESPN has found a way to remind us that the two brothers are coaching against each other on every show on the network – which there are really only about 4 shows, as Sportscenter comes on about 19 times a day. The day the 49ers and Ravens won their conference championships, ESPN reportedly set their goal of Harbaugh family references at 500, because, as one network official told us, “We’re ESPN. That’s what we do. We take a story and run it into the ground, so why change our strategy for the biggest game of the year?” With the game now only hours away, the network and its anchors will no doubt be working hard to reach their goal. Given the fact that they show the same highlights and same stories over and over and over again throughout a 24 hour period, they are expected to not only reach, but surpass their goal by tomorrow afternoon.