New Mexico - People are killed every day, most of them are good people who did not deserve such a fate. But when a plot to murder and castrate Justin Bieber failed recently, it just further proved how unfair life can be. Dana Martin, a convicted felon who is currently locked up in a New Mexico prison, recruited two men who were previously in prison with Martin to travel to New York and kidnap Justin Beieber in between two shows he was performing at Madison Square Garden. The plan was to then castrate Bieber with a pair of garden clippers before killing him. The plan began to unravel when the two men took a wrong turn during their trip to commit the crimes and they ended up crossing a Canadian border. A U.S. border agent then arrested one of the men on the spot for outstanding warrants he still had in New Mexico. Afterwards, the other man involved called Martin back in the New Mexico prison and told him he wouldn’t want to carry out the murder alone. The problem is that the phone call was being recorded by the prison. Martin confessed to the plot and the other men were arrested and charged with conspiracy to commit these awesome crimes. It could have all been over… No more teeny bopper garbage music that Bieber makes. No more of his douche bag haircut and clothes he wears. No more moronic teenage girls screaming for him. All of it ruined by one arrest at a U.S. border to Canada. Oh great, the police will give you a speeding ticket for going 60 in a 55 zone, but they can’t just turn their back for a second while Justin Bieber gets his nuts cut off?!

Jackson, Mississippi - Everyone argues. Couples, friends, family members, even complete strangers will often find themselves in shouting matches for various reasons. People have found themselves shouting curse words, threats, or even just complete nonsense. The fact is everyone has different ways of dealing with arguments. For example, in places like Jackson, Mississippi, they prefer to deal with simple arguments by shooting each other. That is because residents of the city are god damn savage beasts. A recent study may help them, however, as it claims to have found the best way to end any argument whatsoever -by simply screaming the words “I’ll fuck you where you stand!” Researchers have found that when this threat was made, 94 percent of arguments were resolved, as the person hearing it felt such a powerful mixture of confusion, concern, and downright discomfort, that they backed out of their arguments. Experts say the phrase evolved from the old threat “I’ll drop you where you stand” into the much more sinister “I’ll fuck you where you stand” somewhat recently, but were unable to explain exactly why. Those same experts warned to be careful where you say it though, as one New York man recently yelled it to a man he got in a fight with at a gay pride parade. It would also be wise not to scream this at a police officer (unless it’s in Jackson, Mississippi – they are dirty cops anyway.)  So the next time you find yourself in a fight with anyone anywhere at any time, simply scream those six words. For added effect, scream it at the other person several times, as research shows that it is even more effective, ending 98 percent of all arguments. Oh, and the other 2 percent? That was the people who live in Jackson, Mississippi. They still choose to shoot each other instead, further proving that the city should be burned to the fucking ground and forgotten about.

Miami, Florida - Fans of both the Miami Heat and the New York Knicks have spent so much energy this week actually pretending that tonight’s matchup between the two teams matters, that they are now too tired to actually care about the game itself. Knicks fans find themselves worn out from repeating the latest batch of stupid fucking Jeremy Lin puns that ESPN has come up with and pretending that recent wins against terrible teams like the Nets, Wizards, Kings, and Raptors mean anything. A great deal of energy has also been expended on looking past this past week’s losses to the Nornets and Nets, teams with a combined 18 god damn wins. Knicks fans are not alone, however, as those in South Beach also find themselves in a similar situation. Not similar in the sense that they, like the Knicks, are fooling themselves into thinking they are actually a contender in the Eastern conference, but in the sense that they have also exhausted themselves mentally by pretending it matters that Jeremy Lin and the Knicks are coming to town. It is not their fault, however. ESPN has been telling them that it’s a big deal, and if ESPN reports it on one of their 9 consecutive Sportscenters per day, you know it’s got to be great! Tonight’s game is completely sold out, with some seats even going for a reported $9,400. Many Knicks fans who were going, however, find themselves opting to just go to bed early tonight instead, as making wildly untrue statements such as “It’s better for the NBA when New York is good,” or “The Knicks are going to make some noise in the playoffs,” and “Carmelo Anthony is not overrated” has taken it’s toll on them this week. They will, of course, be able to catch the highlights 28 times tomorrow on ESPN as it will most likely be all they talk about all day long, along with repeatedly showing player interviews, analysis, debates on the game, team comparisons, and comparisons of the players with players from other sports who have nothing to do with anything. On the other side, most Heat fans say the are still planning to attend tonight’s game, as they never miss a chance to see their team blow a team out in a game that people think is going to be entertaining.

New York – The “Occupy Wall Street” protests that began over three weeks ago have now broken off into a different direction, as many have now begun marching towards 5th Avenue. What is on 5th Avenue? The main office of Capitol Records, and that is the target that the group has in their sights. Their reason for marching towards the Capitol Records office is apparently to protest the lack of nude photographs of pop artist, Katy Perry, who is signed to Capitol. The group that is marching (which is made up of 32 men and 1 woman) says they are sick and tired of not seeing Perry’s exposed breasts and that they have decided to do something about it. We spoke to one protester who explained why the decision was made by the group to break off and head towards the record labels home – “We, as Americans, are sick and tired of working so hard to make a living and then have to turn around and give part of that money we’ve earned to buy a magazine featuring Katy Perry on the cover that makes think that she might be naked inside the pages! She never is! Or we spend money on internet service so we can google “Katy Perry nude pics”….and nothing! Oh, sure, there’s fake ones out there, but I can spot the difference, as I have done some photoshop work myself! Not gonna say what kind of work, but I know what I’m doing! Look, we just want to masturbate to pictures of Katy Perry’s naked body just like every American has the right to do! But unless you’re in the top 1 percent of the country’s wealthiest people, you don’t get that chance because you don’t have the access to her. We have to stand up and let these corporate fat cats know that it is wrong! It’s wrong what they are doing to Americans! We’ve been held down far too long by having to catch a whack to a clothed Katy Perry or a Katy Perry with no shirt but covering her breasts with her hands! I’m tired of using my imagination! America is tired of using it’s imagination! It’s clear that these greedy pigs in charge of Wall Street, the record label, and even the White House, are not looking out for the little guy. Well it’s time for the little guy’s voice to be heard! And that is why we are here today, so they will hear that voice, a voice that says “I am a human being too, and just because I don’t have money does not mean that I shouldn’t get to catch a quality whack to a completely naked Katy Perry!”

New York, New York - A new study from the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University says that the use of social networking sites could lead to teenagers drinking and using drugs. Joseph Califano, of the CASA, says that the reasoning behind the findings is that teenagers are seeing pictures on sites like Facebook and Twitter of other kids drunk, passed out, and doing drugs. He says that seeing these images repeatedly will eventually take the shock value out of things that should be shocking to kids, thus making it seem acceptable to them. Harsh Trivedi, a doctor at Vanderbilt’s psychiatric hospital, agrees, explaining “You look to your peer group really as a way to figure out what’s normal, what’s abnormal, and the more that you see these images, it just becomes more so what’s normal in other kids your age.” The study also shows that children who visit sites like Facebook and Twitter every day are more likely to smoke, drink, and use drugs than kids whose friendships are exclusively offline.

An even newer study, which was conducted by the Center for Common Sense, has found that if you agree with the results of the study, then you are a complete fucking moron. The CCS also concluded that if you believe the theory that a website like Facebook or Twitter is going to make a kid use drugs, then you should just give up on life, as you clearly have no business among the living. It also recommends that any parents who read the findings of the study and believe them to be true should immediately put their children up for adoption or let them go live with family members, as you are clearly mentally unfit to raise a child.

So as the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse has no doubt already sent parents into a panic trying to restrict, regulate, and completely block social netwoking sites from their children’s computers, we suggest you just use a little bit of COMMON FUCKING SENSE! Perhaps talk to your kids about drinking and drug use. We know it’s a novel fucking concept actually talking to your own children, but just for the hell of it, give it a try. That is, of course, unless your goal is to have your kid end up a maladjusted freak who starts a shitty rock band like Slipknot, Mudvayne, Three Days Grace, etc., and constantly writes about how much they hate the world because daddy wasn’t there for them….. Hey, we all have different dreams for our kids, right?

New York City, New York - Carmelo Anthony made his New York debut last night, leading the Knicks past the Milwaukee Bucks 114-108. With the crowd chanting for him every time he touched the ball, Anthony scored 27 points and pulled down 10 rebounds in the victory. The atmosphere was simply electric as delusional fans packed Madison Square Garden to see their new star forward who has never taken his team past a conference finals series. “I’m just glad I got that game out of my system” Anthony said in a post game press conference, adding “now I can just settle in, play my game, and lead this team to not winning anything meaningful.” Coaches and teammates were pleased at the big numbers that Carmelo put up against the 22-35 Bucks. They were also pleased with the excitement level that the fans are now displaying, with head coach, Mike D’Antoni, saying that it was “great to see them come out tonight and be so fired up about watching us beat a terrible Milwaukee Bucks team, I’m very pleased with the way they pretended that it mattered at all.” Knicks fans next opportunity to pretend that their team now matters is Friday night against the Cavaliers, who are a league worst 10-47. They will then travel to Miami on Sunday to take on one of the possible teams that will eventually eliminate them in the first round when the NBA playoffs begin, the Heat. But whether it is the Heat, Celtics, Magic, or Bulls that eliminates them in the first round of the playoffs (because it will happen), Carmelo says he’s not looking that far into the future. “I’m just concentrating on playing my game right now, which is to have a very good regular season record, bring excitement and hope to the fans, and then let them all down in April when I take my team nowhere.”

New City, New York - Lawrence Taylor has pleaded guilty to two misdemeaneors, sexual misconduct and patronizing a prostitute. Taylor Was arrested on May 6 of last year after having sex with a 16 year old prostitute in Montebello, New York. He was later indicted on charges of third degree rape, child endangerment, sexual abuse and patronizing a prostitute. He was facing up to four years in prison for the charges, but thanks to his plea deal yesterday, along with the fact that he is an NFL legend and has plenty of money, he will only receive six years probation and serve absolutely no jail time. The former New York Giant linebacker maintained that he did not know the girl was only 16 and that she had told him she was 19. As Taylor and his attorney, Arthur Aidala, left the courthouse, the question was posed to Aidala if he believed his client’s argument, he simply responded “shit no!” and left the courthouse. The judge in the trial, William Kelly, was later asked if it is common occurance in his courtroom that men who face these charges get away with no jail time. Kelly laughed and said “no way.” He continued, “But that’s LT! The man is famous, he has money, AND he’s an NFL hall of famer! You think I’m gonna send him to jail? Not a chance. Go Giants!” Lawrence Taylor then made a brief statement before he left. Below is a transcript of that statement:

“I want to thank God. I know that I had sex with a 16 year old girl and all, but God forgives me and loves me.” (Editor’s note: God hates Lawrence Taylor)                           I think that any rational person knows that if I was not blessed years ago to be able to play football so well, that there is no way I would be standing here right now, I would definitely be in jail. I want to thank the New York Giants for giving me the chance to play the game and for paying me a large amount of money that allowed me to buy my freedom in this case. In closing, I would just like to remind all celebrities out there that if you want to have sex with under age girls, go for it! Because I’m living proof that if you have enough money and enough people know your name, you will not go to jail. The normal guy down the street from you who has done the same thing, he’ll be screwed…..but not you! You know, Nike came up with the famous phrase “just do it.” Now they were talking about sports, but I say the same phrase can be used here. If you want to have sex with girls under 18, it is ok….If you have money and you are famous. Thank you and God bless.” (Reminder: God hates Lawrence Taylor)