New Orleans, Louisiana – The New Orleans Saints have hired the always homeless appearing, Rob Ryan as defensive coordinator. Rob, a fat, loud mouth, delusional, mediocre coach, is the brother of fat, loud mouth, delusional, mediocre head coach of the New York Jets, Rex Ryan. After being let go by the Dallas Cowboys last month, Ryan said he would find another spot because he is “too damn good” and “I’ll be out of work like five minutes.” Apparently being “too damn good” is your defense ranking 14th in yards allowed and 23rd in points allowed. However, anything is better than the total shit show that was the Saints’ defense this past season. This will be Ryan’s fourth stop since 2004 as defensive coordinator in the NFL. None of his defenses have ever made the playoffs, which should fit perfectly with the mediocre style of play in New Orleans. Ryan will also likely be a perfect fit with the people of New Orleans as well, given his constant disgusting hobo look, as the city is filled with hobos and disgusting people.

New Orleans, Louisiana – So first the Ravens were fucking the 49ers where they stood, then the 49ers were fucking the Ravens where they stood, then the referees fucked the 49ers where they stood. Super Bowl XLVII turned out to be one of the biggest fuckfests in history tonight as the Baltimore Ravens defeated the San Francisco 49ers 34-31. The game looked like it was going to be a blowout early in the third quarter with the Ravens up 28-6. Then the power went out in the Superdome, causing a 34 minute delay, thus fucking everyone viewing the game where they stood. That’s typical New Orleans. You know you can’t give those disgusting assholes anything nice, they’ll find some way to ruin it. After the power came back on, the momentum swung heavily in the 49ers favor as they quickly scored 17 unanswered points to bring it to within 28-23. A Baltimore field goal and a San Francisco touchdown and missed two point conversion made the score 31-29 late in the game. Then, with the Ravens leading 34-29 with only 1:50 to go, the 49ers were forced to go for it on a 4th and goal from the 5. That is when the referees completely fucked the 49ers where they stood when receiver Michael Crabtree was held in the end zone, but no call was made. The ball fell to the turf as posession and the victory went to the Ravens. It was an unpredictable evening to say the least. The most predictable moment of the evening came in the postgame celebration when the first words out of Ray Lewis’ mouth were “When God is for you, who can be against you?!” Think we all grew tired of that act, Ray. Other than that, it was a completely unpredictable night for the Super Bowl. And it was such a giant fuckfest, that we have even received word that at one point when the lights went out, former NFL quarterback and nearby Mississippi resident, Brett Favre, had sex with some lady in a Superdome bathroom

New Orleans, Louisiana – The Super Bowl is here and ESPN officials are scrambling to try to reach their goal of talking about the Harbaugh family 500 times. They are close, currently sitting at 417 mentions in the last two weeks. Whether it be lame as fuck phrases like “Super-Baugh, or “Harbaugh Bowl” or stories of the Harbaughs’ mother and father, ESPN has found a way to remind us that the two brothers are coaching against each other on every show on the network – which there are really only about 4 shows, as Sportscenter comes on about 19 times a day. The day the 49ers and Ravens won their conference championships, ESPN reportedly set their goal of Harbaugh family references at 500, because, as one network official told us, “We’re ESPN. That’s what we do. We take a story and run it into the ground, so why change our strategy for the biggest game of the year?” With the game now only hours away, the network and its anchors will no doubt be working hard to reach their goal. Given the fact that they show the same highlights and same stories over and over and over again throughout a 24 hour period, they are expected to not only reach, but surpass their goal by tomorrow afternoon.

New Orleans, Louisiana – NFL commissioner Roger Goodell delivered the annual state of the NFL address this afternoon. He touched on many topics including player safety, the Rooney Rule, cold weather super bowls (next year’s big game will be in New York,) and more. Also discussed were the results of an independent study that concluded that New Orleans Saints fans are among the absolute worst human beings on earth. The study was conducted over the last 10 years, cost the NFL $225 million, and is said to be extremely scientific with absolutely no margin of error. The results came as a surprise to no members of the media, as most of them have been in New Orleans all week and witnessed first hand the horrific nature of the people living in this disease ridden city. To be fair to New Orleans though, the study did not only single out fans in New Orleans, as it also mentioned they were almost as insufferable in the state of Mississippi, where most have adopted the Saints as their hometown team simply because they are the closest to them. Apparently, it never occured to them how ridiculous it was that they based who their favorite football team is on geographical proximity. The bulk of the findings seemed to display the biggest reason these fans were found to be terrible human beings was because of their constant use of the annoying phrase “who dat.” Finally, the study seemed to show that in the past seven years, these fans have grown 62 percent more intolerable. Further research revealed that was due to the story of hurricane Katrina, which tore through the city back in 2005. After being repeated over and over again by the media during the Saints’ Super Bowl run just 3 years ago and players like Drew Brees needlessly bringing it up years later to try to play on fans’ emotions, it was reportedly the hardest to deal with these Saints fans from 2009 to the present. The state of the NFL address then quickly shifted to the topic of gun control, as commissioner Goodell had to remind everyone in attendance that no matter how obnoxious, rude, annoying, and delusional Saints fans are, it is unfortunately still illegal to shoot them.

New Orleans, Louisiana – Over the weekend, portions of an interview with President Obama in which he spoke on safety in football were released. In the article, he admits that if he had a son, it would be a touch decision to let him play football.”I’m a big football fan, but I have to tell you if I had a son, I’d have to think long and hard before I let him play football,” said the president. He then went on to speak on the changes he sees coming for football at all age levels, changes he thinks will make the game safer.“In some cases, that may make it a little bit less exciting, but it will be a whole lot better for the players, and those of us who are fans maybe won’t have to examine our consciences quite as much” he said about those possible changes. ESPN quickly picked up on these statements and have been showing them at least once an hour every hour for the past two days, as ESPN does every fucking story they cover. Obama’s comments and the amount of coverage they have received will certainly satisfy those of us who often find themselves watching a football game and thinking “You know, I can’t help but thinking if President Obama thinks these players are safe enough!” It’s a typical scenario almost every week of the season – you’re watching a game, a big play happens, and you begin to wonder what the President of the United States has to say about how safe these players are. By the time you get done checking his Twitter, searching on Google, and scouring the official White House website, you have missed the entire third quarter. Certainly, thanks should be in order for the interviewer who asked his opinion on this matter that in no way affects him. ESPN should certainly be thanked, as they often provide us with answers to burning questions like this when they show things like what basketball player LeBron James thinks about a South Carolina football game or what rapper Jay Z has to say about a Los Angeles Lakers game. Perhaps the biggest thank you of all should be for Obama himself for speaking the words “Those of us who are fans maybe won’t have to examine our consciences quite as much” and for the endless laughter this comment provides, as if any time there is an injury during a game, anyone “examines their conscience.”

New Orleans, Louisiana – Earlier today, New Orleans Saints head coach, Sean Payton, was reinstated by the NFL from his season long suspension for his role in the infamous “bounty gate” scandal, in which Saints players were paid to injure opponents. “I am thankful today Commissioner Goodell has granted me reinstatement,” said Payton. “I clearly realize that mistakes were made which led to league violations. He then vowed that these mistakes would never be made again, as he said he will pay closer attention to ensure that the next time the Saints operate a bounty program, that people don’t find out about it. “I feel we have learned from our mistakes and are ready to move forward with more bounties..better and much higher paying bounties” said the coach. He continued, “I also want to make a promise to this team, the fans, and the city of New Orleans.. We will not get caught the next time this happens, which just in case your’e wondering when that will be, it’s the first game of next season. The second item I will address upon my return is a new steroid policy. We need to get our hands on some better stuff, and we will. I’m talking about the shit you have to order from Russia, or Germany, even Brazil. I’m talking ridiculous shit that no one in the United States would even touch. I saw last week that pussy, Lance Armstrong, said that his performance enhancing system was “sophisticated.” FUCK THAT! You haven’t seen anything yet! I want these players to be monsters. And I don’t just mean big muscles, I mean completely filthy, disgusting, piece of shit assholes who have basically no conscience. Just look at where we live. It’s time we represent the city of New Orleans properly. And what better way to do so than to become just like it? This place is disgusting and it’s a shame it hasn’t sunk into the Gulf yet. That’s how I want the rest of the league to view our players! It’s time to get back to what football is all about – getting as big and mean as necessary and using as many illegal drugs as necessary to get there. Specifically, it’s time to get back to what NEW ORLEANS SAINTS football is all about – winning a Super Bowl every 43 years, paying our players to injure other players, and bringing up a hurricane that happened years ago for absolutely no reason other than to play on your sympathy and say “hey remember what happened to our city a long time ago, our city and no one else’s. I am excited to be back as head coach of the New Orleans Saints.”

New Orleans, Louisiana - Suspended head coach Sean Payton, the reason the Saints are 0-4 according to Saints fans (not because of their terrible defense or the fact that Drew Brees has thrown 5 interceptions in 4 games) will be allowed by the NFL to attend Sunday night’s game against the Chargers. Payton was given permission to attend at the request of quarterback Drew Brees, who has a chance to set a new meaningless record tonight by throwing for at least 1 touchdown in 48 consecutive games. The potential of seeing the record set has been a great cause for excitement all week among Brees, Payton, and the Saints fans, none of whom fully realize that this record is due in large part to the fact that the Saints running game is a little loose butthole, therefore many times, Brees MUST throw touchdowns. Nevertheless, the scene should be electric tonight as the misguided, delusional fans inside the Superdome will be able to see their version of 2 angels – a man sitting in an owner’s box having no contact at all with the team, and a quarterback breaking a meaningless record in a game that if won, improves your record to a lowly 1-4. So will the Saints be willed to a win by the presence of Sean Payton tonight? Christ no! Much to the dismay of moronic fans who act like Payton would be on the field himself shutting Phillip Rivers down, that is not the case. Will Drew Brees set the record for consecutive games with a touchdown pass? The chances are very good that he will. The chances are even better that afterwards, when talking about the record, he will mention adversity, what the city has overcome, and hurricane Katrina – AGAIN – 7 years later.

New Orleans, Louisiana - Earlier today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced his decision to uphold the penalties he originally placed on the New Orleans Saints coaches and organization for their roles in a bounty program. Head coach and lying piece of shit Sean Payton will still serve his full year long suspension, GM Mickey Loomis will serve 8 games, and assistant  Joe Vitt six. The news comes as a surprise to many Saints fans who are completely delusional stupid assholes who believe that Payton doesn’t deserve the suspension after first encouraging the bounty program and then lying to the NFL about it. Saints officials spent last week trying to place all blame on former defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, a claim that many Saints fans will likely believe. Roger Goodell, on the other hand, does not. A decision on what type of penalties the players involved in the bounty program will face could come this week. As for the players’ reaction to today’s decision to uphold Paytons’ suspension, quarterback Drew Brees responded by simply saying that he was “extremely disappointed.” He then, for absolutely no reason at all, mentioned a hurricane that happened almost seven years ago

New Orleans, Louisiana - The Kentucky Wildcats defeated the Kansas Jayhawks 67-59 last night to win the eighth national championship in the program’s history and the first for weasely head coach John Calipari. For all of Calipari’s success over the years, that first title simply seemed to elude the coach with over 500 career wins. Thanks to players like Anthony Davis and his disgusting unibrow, the title eludes Calipari no more. Of course, thanks to Calipari, this national championship will no doubt be stripped away from them eventually. Wildcat fans must be expecting this though, after Calipari has had final four runs vacated at both UMass and Memphis. If (and by “if” we mean WHEN) their championship is taken from them by the NCAA, Kentucky fans must be ready to decide which they find more disconcerting – Being stripped of a national championship OR Anthony Davis’ unibrow

Baton Rouge, Louisiana - As Monday’s BCS championship game matchup between LSU and Alabama draws closer, talk continues of their previous meeting in November, both teams’ exceptional defense, and even if this is the matchup we should have. Amongst all of this talk is one thing that we should all take a moment to remember, and that is what a complete piece of shit LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson is. The QB, who will finish his extremely mediocre career in Monday’s game, missed the team’s first four games after he was arrested in August for his role in a bar fight where he kicked a man in the face. After he KICKED A MAN IN THE FUCKING FACE, he was charged with felony second degree battery. One month later, the charges were reduced to simple battery, a misdemeanor. He was then reinstated to the team by head coach Les Miles, who would likely kick his own mother in the face if it gave him the best chance to win. Thanks to Les Miles lack of integrity, Jefferson saw his first action of the season October 1 against Kentucky. The piece of shit then continued to be rewarded for his actions of a little bitch, as he received more and more playing time, eventually “earning” his starting job back. Monday will mark the close of Jefferson’s career, which featured an unimpressive 34 touchdowns and 19 interceptions. He will then move on to the next stage in his life – working at the Taco Bell drive thru (or it could be McDonalds or KFC) because as Jefferson tells us, his options are wide open. So as anticipation builds for Monday’s game, we should obviously pay attention to the two teams’ stats, the records, the history, and the hype. But amid all of that, let’s not forget that Jordan Jefferson is one of the biggest pieces of shit in college sports today (even ahead of gigantic piece of shit Mississippi State basketball player Renardo Sidney.)