Indianapolis, Indiana – The NCAA announced a few new rule changes this week. Mind you, these were not rule changes on things such as discipline, grades, behavior, or even anything addressing the NCAA’s own crooked employees. They were, however, incredibly important rules like no hashtag in your endzone. Another states that the numbers on a jersey must contrast the uniform color. And perhaps one of the most pressing mattters facing college football was also addressed in these changes when it was stated that all towels used by players must be solid white. Finally! The color of towels has been affecting the quality of the game for far too long. And hashtags? Oh, that shit’s for the devil! The thinking is that it is a form of advertising. It simply would not be fair for a certain school to be advertising or making more money….unless the NCAA is getting a portion of it. It’s really all about the integrity of the game. You know, like the integrity shown by NCAA investigators who are paid by those representing the very people are investigating.

Waco, Texas - In a major upset, the Louisville Cardinals defeated the Baylor Bears 82 – 81 in the sweet 16 of the NCAA Women’s tournament yesterday. The loss signals the end of Baylor star Brittney Griner’s college basketball career. She finishes her career only 110 points shy of the all time leading scoring record. Since the record was firs set by a woman, however, Griner does become the all time leading scorer for a man in college basketball. So much about Griner will be missed by the women’s basketball world: her 50 point games, her dunks, her exceptionally deep voice, and her joking around by constantly exposing her testicles to teammates in the locker room after games. It is highly unlikely we will see another player dominate women’s sports the way she did for quite some time. Then again, we may see a fresh face come in next season and begin building a body of work that in four years equals Griner’s. Sports is funny that way. You just never know. The only thing you can say 100 percent without a doubt is that BRITTNEY GRINER IS A MAN!

Seattle, Washington - One man has taken the whole March Madness idea a little too far and has now lost all of his friends because of it. 29 year old Justin Davis has created a “best friend bracket” which pits everyone of his friends against each other with the winner being named his best friend. The bracket operates the same way NCAA tournament brackets do, with each friend receiving a seeding from 1-16, with 1 being the closest friend and 16 being a more distant friend. As if it weren’t insulting enough to his friends to receieve a number based on how good of a friend Justin thinks they are, he apparently was deciding the seeding and who won based on what they had done for him lately. And in one case, he even had a person in the “tournament” who was just a guy who works at the mall and helped him pick out some clothes last week. Here were a few of Justin’s matchups he had in the brackets that caused the most anger amongst his former friends:

- Justin’s closest friend for the past 17 years was downgraded in the tournament to a 5 seed because Justin doesn’t like his wife. (to be fair, she is a complete disaster as a human being)

- Another extremely close friend received a lower seed because he didn’t invite Justin to go get ice cream with he and his family over the weekend, causing Justin to sit at home and watch a ‘Lizard Lick Towing’ marathon

- In what had to be one of the most insulting moves, Justin’s friend of over a decade, with whom he speaks twice a day EVERY day, also received a lower seeding simply because he wouldn’t watch the television show, ‘Justified’, after Justin had told him to

Justin then revealed his bracket to his friends, somehow not expecting them to react as angrily as they did. After examining the names, seeding, who defeated who, and the fact that one name on the bracket just said “the guy at Target” (who actually moved onto the sweet 16), every single one of Justin’s friends agreed they no longer wanted to talk to him. Justin thought that at least the person who he had winning the tournament would be happy and continue speaking with him. He, however, had not taken into account the fact that he had both that friend and the friend’s wife pitted against each other in the final four. After winning that final four matchup, the friend gloated a bit too much, causing his wife to file for divorce and gain soul custody of the couple’s daughter. Justin Davis now says he regrets his “best friend bracket” idea, and that next year, he will do something much simpler and with less chance of being so disasterous. He says he is thinking of “family member bracket” instead.

Oxford, Mississippi – March Madness is upon us. The NCAA tournament begins tomorrow with some loose play in games that the NCAA and media want to convince us are “1st round” games, with “2nd round” games to be played Thursday and Friday. Looking past that load of horse shit and knowing that Thursday is actually the beginning of the 1st round, we profile one such player involved in those games: Guard Marshall Henderson of the Ole Miss Rebels. After a regular season full of ups and downs and Mississippi’s shitty local newspaper, The Clarion Ledger, writing about wins against teams like Texas A&M (7-11) and Georgia (9-9) like they were school girls gushing over Justin Bieber, Ole Miss shocked almost everybody yesterday when they defeated Florida to win the SEC tournament. In doing so, they secured an automatic bid and are scheduled to get fucked where they stand by Wisconsin on Friday in the “2nd round” of the NCAA tournament. The Rebels were led this season by Henderson, who was arrested in 2010 when he was caught buying weed with $800 worth of counterfeit money. He then spent 25 days in jail last spring for violating his parole when he tested positive for alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine. As the Rebels guided their way through an extremely mediocre SEC, Henderson was, without a doubt, the leader of the team. And after a breakout season which saw him do things like popping his jersey after beating 3-15 Auburn, give the Ole Miss “landshark” hand sign, which we previously thought was just some stupid shit their football team did, and various other ridiculous acts to try to make himself forget he’s just a white kid who won’t be making it in the NBA, he is now, without a doubt, the biggest douchebag in all of college basketball. Henderson, the Rebels, and head coach Andy Kennedy (who, let’s never forget, shouted racial slurs at a cab driver) will play Wisconsin early Friday and will be taking a plane back to Mississippi mid afternoon after they lose that game.

Jackson, Mississippi - Today is national signing day in the world of college football. A day that provides both hope and disappointment for coaches, bragging rights and shame for fans, and the start of an adventure, an education, and hopefully a future career for the athletes (unless they decide to throw their lives away by playing for West Virginia.) These days, winning signing day has become almost as big as winning the national championship. A surprise team seems to winning signing day so far, and it is the same team who surprised many on the field last season: Ole Miss. The Rebels kicked off the day by getting a commitment from the #1 recruit in the country, DE/pussy whose mom makes all of his decisions for him, Robert Nkemdiche. Ole Miss then received commitments from the numbers 1 and 3 offensive tackle in the nation, Laremy Tunsil and Austin Golson. As if that wasn’t enough, the team had already received a commitment from number 1 receiever, Laquon Treadwell. Add in another major commitment from safety Antonio Conner, who was named “Mr. Football” in the state of Mississippi – though it is just an award given by the Mississippi’s shitty newspaper, The Clarion Ledger. So far, Ole Miss is ranked as high as 6 in national recruiting class rankings, something that will no doubt have their fans jumping for joy. Those same fans will, of course, be crying when the NCAA begins to investigate them for their recruiting tactics that have allowed them to get all of this top talent. However, as of now, Rebels’ fake christian head coach, Hugh Freeze says they are simply working hard and doing things the right way. Other top classes so far include the usual suspects: Florida, Notre Dame, Ohio State, and Alabama, who receieved a commitment yesterday from yet another 5 star player, linebacker Reuben Foster, who originally committed to Alabama only to decommit, then commit to Auburn, get an Auburn tatoo, then decommit from Auburn and commit again to the Crimson Tide. So in a class full of young, dumb, arrogant assholes, most of whom will never live up to the enormous hype that surrounds them, Foster seems to be the biggest asshole of them all. He is a true example of what national signing day is all about: building nothing out of something.

Auburn, Alabama - New head football coach, Gus Malzahn got off a plane this morning and stepped onto familiar territory. Malzahn was the offensive coordinator at Auburn just two years ago when the Tigers and Cam Newton won the national championship. Fans were waiting for him as he stopped off of that plane, cheering, applauding, completely excited over the idea of what Malzahn may bring back to Auburn. The problem with that theory, however, is that Cam Newton is no longer there. In Newton, the Tigers had the absolute best quarterback money could buy, but with Auburn now dealing with paying a new coach AND still paying former coach Gene Chizik, they are left with very little money to go out and buy another quarterback of his caliber. The larger problem, however, is not who is on their team or who is the coach of their team. It is who is on the other SEC team in the state and who coaches that team. That, of course, being the University of Alabama, and Nick Saban. Fans quickly realized this as they all began to dissipate and joy turned to sadness. It was as if all at once, they realized that it doesn’t matter who may be called COACH of Auburn, Nick Saban is the OWNER.

Los Angeles, California - USC head football coach Lane Kiffin took some time yesterday to remind us that, just in case we forgot, that he is still a complete piece of shit. In fact, it took him only 28 seconds to do so. Speaking to reporters (sort of) after yesterday’s practice, Kiffin spoke a few words about how crisp the offense looked, followed by a quick “I don’t know” response to a question about a player that was injured during the Trojans’ game against Syracuse September 9th. A reporter then made it through about a third of another question when Kiffin snapped “I gotta go” and then trotted off, thus reminding us what an asshole he is. To be fair, Kiffin and USC have a policy of not answering questions about players’ injuries and the media was aware of that before asking any injury related questions. However, a coach who is not a miserable human being could have responded with something like “We can’t discuss that” or maybe even “You know our policy is not to discuss injuries.” But who ever said Lane Kiffin wasn’t a miserable human being? – besides ESPN Radio personality Colin Cowherd, who has his nose firmly planted in Kiffin’s ass at all times. Kiffin began paying his dues as a piece of shit over a decade ago when he was first on the USC staff and got to work with Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart. Simply being around douche bags of that caliber, it will begin to rub off on you. He continued to intensely work on his craft when he was hired as head coach of the Oakland Raiders in 2007, but was outshined by the ultimate piece of shit at the time, team owner Al Davis. But Kiffin’s asshole light began to shine bright when he was hired as the coach of the Tennessee Volunteers in late 2008. Almost immediately, he went after an already established coach (who we late found out is a also a complete asshole, and a liar), Florida Gators coach Urban Meyer. After just one year at Tennessee, Kiffin became the head coach at USC, where he has seemingly perfected the craft of being a douche bag and is now the complete piece of shit we see today.

State College, Pennsylvania - As part of the massive sanctions levied against the Penn State football team this morning by the NCAA, all wins from 1998-2011 will be vacated. The move will not only affect the all time win-loss record of the school, but of the all time college football coaching records as well. Joe Paterno will be stripped of those wins during that span, dropping him from a record 408 wins to 298. This should please the attorney from Grambling, who just last week, filed to vacate some of Paterno’s wins so ex Grambling coach Eddie Robinson would still be the record holder for most coaching victores. Whoops! You forgot that wins from a school like Grambling aren’t really the same as wins from a Penn State, or Florida State, or an Alabama. Victories from 1AA or FCS, or whatever you want to call it these days should not be lumped in with victores from FBS schools – especially not wins from a member of the SWAC. Nobody really has the heart to tell the SWAC that they don’t matter and cannot have records like this be included with real big boy schools. Oh, SWAC, you’re so silly! So rest easy, Bobby Bowden. You are now the all time leader in college football coaching victores and you are in no danger of being “SWAC’d” – which is when someone acts like they are much more important than they really are.

New Orleans, Louisiana - The Kentucky Wildcats defeated the Kansas Jayhawks 67-59 last night to win the eighth national championship in the program’s history and the first for weasely head coach John Calipari. For all of Calipari’s success over the years, that first title simply seemed to elude the coach with over 500 career wins. Thanks to players like Anthony Davis and his disgusting unibrow, the title eludes Calipari no more. Of course, thanks to Calipari, this national championship will no doubt be stripped away from them eventually. Wildcat fans must be expecting this though, after Calipari has had final four runs vacated at both UMass and Memphis. If (and by “if” we mean WHEN) their championship is taken from them by the NCAA, Kentucky fans must be ready to decide which they find more disconcerting – Being stripped of a national championship OR Anthony Davis’ unibrow

Starkville, Mississippi - Look at any team from any sport on any level in the country and one thing they will almost always have in common is sports drinks. Whether it be gatorade, powerade, or water, obviously athletes need to stay hydrated during games. Many football players even drink pickle juice during games if it is exceptionally hot outside, as they say it is the best way to avoid their muscles cramping. However, one athlete chooses to drink none of the above during his games. It has recently been discovered that Mississippi State basketball player and waste of life, Renardo Sidney, actually drinks GRAVY when he’s playing. The power forward who looks like a fat baby says he has been putting it in his water bottle for years now and that it “doesn’t do much for hydration, but it’s delicious.” Sidney’s guzzling of gravy was only recently revealed when television cameras at the Bulldogs game in Nashville vs Vanderbilt picked up what appeared to be a can hidden under a towel close to the Mississippi State bench. When cameras zoomed in, it was confirmed to be a jar of Heinz brown gravy. Your first thought is probably “Wait, wouldn’t drinking gravy make you fat and slow you down?” You would be correct on both counts, proven by Sidney’s fat worthless face and his sloth-like movement on the court. The big man came to Mississippi State regarded as one of the best recruits in the nation. He was forced to sit his first year in Starkville, however, when the NCAA ruled him ineligible for accepting thousands of dollars and gallons of nacho cheese sauce. Almost immediately upon reinstatement, Sidney (who bears a striking resemblance to that fat little kid from the movie Hook) was suspended again for his role in a fight with a teammate during a game. The teammate was off the team within two weeks, but Sidney was allowed to stay as head coach Rick Stansbury is apparently just willing enough to sell his soul for a few wins. Since then, Sidney has continued to be a disappointment both as a player and a human being. He has also remained stubborn as he does not have the decency to either quit the team or have a heart attack. Next up for Mississippi State is a road trip this weekend to face the Florida Gators in Gainesville, a place where Sidney always seems to be inspired most, because as he tells us “Man, they got a Captain D’s with a buffet there!”