New York, New York – As the NBA playoffs begin today, the New York Knicks will be looking for their first playoff series win since 2000 as they open with the Boston Celtics. Carmelo Anthony, who edged out Kevin Durant, for this year’s NBA scoring title, will look to continue playing his game – scoring a lot of points himself but having it not mean anything as far as the team goes. The Knicks earned the number 2 seed in the East this season, which is basically like finishing just above .500 in the D league. Many are looking ahead to a possible Heat/Knicks matchup for the Eastern Conference finals, which is interesting considering they likely will not even get out of the first round. But as long as Carmelo Anthony scores 30 points a game, that’s ok. NBA scoring titles really compliment world championships that you never win.

Miami, Florida - Fans of both the Miami Heat and the New York Knicks have spent so much energy this week actually pretending that tonight’s matchup between the two teams matters, that they are now too tired to actually care about the game itself. Knicks fans find themselves worn out from repeating the latest batch of stupid fucking Jeremy Lin puns that ESPN has come up with and pretending that recent wins against terrible teams like the Nets, Wizards, Kings, and Raptors mean anything. A great deal of energy has also been expended on looking past this past week’s losses to the Nornets and Nets, teams with a combined 18 god damn wins. Knicks fans are not alone, however, as those in South Beach also find themselves in a similar situation. Not similar in the sense that they, like the Knicks, are fooling themselves into thinking they are actually a contender in the Eastern conference, but in the sense that they have also exhausted themselves mentally by pretending it matters that Jeremy Lin and the Knicks are coming to town. It is not their fault, however. ESPN has been telling them that it’s a big deal, and if ESPN reports it on one of their 9 consecutive Sportscenters per day, you know it’s got to be great! Tonight’s game is completely sold out, with some seats even going for a reported $9,400. Many Knicks fans who were going, however, find themselves opting to just go to bed early tonight instead, as making wildly untrue statements such as “It’s better for the NBA when New York is good,” or “The Knicks are going to make some noise in the playoffs,” and “Carmelo Anthony is not overrated” has taken it’s toll on them this week. They will, of course, be able to catch the highlights 28 times tomorrow on ESPN as it will most likely be all they talk about all day long, along with repeatedly showing player interviews, analysis, debates on the game, team comparisons, and comparisons of the players with players from other sports who have nothing to do with anything. On the other side, most Heat fans say the are still planning to attend tonight’s game, as they never miss a chance to see their team blow a team out in a game that people think is going to be entertaining.

New York, New York - Jeremy Lin has risen from basketball obscurity to one of the hottest names in the NBA the past few days. Of course, that is going to happen when ESPN needs material to air during their 9 consecutive hours of the same show (Sportscenter.) Lin has been all over the network this week after seeing the most significent playing time of his career over the last three games, including the first two starts of his career. In those three games this week, he has averaged 25.3 points and 8.3 assists, all in wins. These games have New York Knicks fans more excited than they have been since Carmelo Anthony joined the team last season (how has that worked out, assholes?) It has them looking past the fact that those three games were against the dreadful Nets, the mediocre Jazz, and the pathetic, make you want to kill yourself and everyone in the arena, Wizards. Nevertheless, ESPN has taken what is actually a nice little story and covered it to death, made it out to be the greatest story ever, pointlessly compared the athlete to athletes from other sports, have endless debates about the player, and add such “creative” tag lines as “Linsanity” – you know, the usual thing the network does. Let’s get off the fact that ESPN always thinks they are so clever when the bulk of their programming is some of the lamest shit ever on television. Let us put the focus back on the Knicks, who are obviously poised to make a run to the playoffs and perhaps an NBA championship with the way they have been playing. Oh, wait, they are still 11-15 and fucking awful. The Knicks will face the Los Angeles Lakers tonight, a team that will provide Lin with his toughest challenge so far. Perhaps the biggest challenge in New York, however, will be how the foolish Knicks fans will deal with it when reality sets in that, though providing a spark now, Jeremy Lin’s performance will guide you to the playoffs or an NBA championship. Christ, it probably won’t even help you have a winning record when the regular season is over! Do not blame Lin when that happens, however. Do not blame ESPN for getting your hopes up. They just needed content for their increasingly terrible programming. There really will be no one to blame (except for the players, coaches, GM, and owner.) It’s just how it is. You are the Knicks…and you are bad. Just take comfort in the fact that you are not the Charlotte Bobcats

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - Kobe Bryant scored 28 points in last night’s 95-90 loss to the 76ers to move him past former teammate Shaquille O’Neal as the fifth leading scorer in NBA history. Before the game may have been the biggest moment for the all star guard, however, as Bryant sexual assaulted two local women, giving him the record as the Los Angeles Lakers all time leading rapist. Afterward, Shaquille O’Neal offered his congratulations to Bryant, saying “I want to personally congratulate Kobe on being the greatest Laker rapist ever. His accomplishment is great and well deserved, and I’m really proud of him. He told me when he was 18 years old that he’d go down as the greatest Laker rapist ever, and one of the greatest sexual deviants of all time. And he wasn’t lying.” Bryant now sets his sights on Wilt Chamberlain, who is not only ahead of Bryant as the fourth leading scorer of all time, but is ahead of only Bryant for the NBA all time leading rapist. In fact, Chamberlain’s sexual prowess has been the stuff of legends over the years, with stories that he has slept with hundreds, some evern say thousands, of women. But what most people don’t know is that many of those numbers were acheived via overly aggressive, unwanted sexual advances on the part of Chamberlain. Bryant sounded confident that he could indeed reach Chamberlain’s numbers though. When asked if he thinks he is going to rape enough women to reach the record, Bryant responded “I believe so,” and added “One day it will happen.”

New Orleans, Louisiana - Chris Paul has been traded from the Hornets to the Clippers, meaning he escapes the actual wasteland that is New Orleans and becomes part of what is just a basketball wasteland. In exchange for Paul, the Hornets will receive Eric Gordon, Chris Kaman, Al-Farouq Aminu, and a first round pick – none of which matter. Along with Paul, the Clippers will receive two future second round picks. The deal is expected to be approved by the NBA’s buffoon of a commissioner, David Stern, who blocked a trade last week that would have sent Paul to the Lakers. Stern’s reason for doing so was that he Hornets were “better served with Chris in a Hornets uniform.” – Translation: “I am an absolutely terrible commissioner and should not have a job.” The citizens of New Orleans will almost certainly not be better served without Chris Paul, as his departure will probably make it even harder on them when they realize they live in a disgusting cesspool of a city. As for the Clippers, they are excited as they will now pair Paul with Blake Griffin. They are still expected to be the third best basketball team in Los Angeles behind the Lakers and the Raiders (who aren’t even there anymore AND don’t even play basketball.)

Bristol, Connecticut – The Dallas Mavericks are the NBA champions. The Green Bay Packers are Super Bowl champions. These statements will soon be false…at least for 1 hour a day. Earlier today, ESPN announced that they will be changing things up at Sportscenter, the networks daily sports highlight show that they show repeatedly from 5 AM to 2 PM, and then on ESPNEWS from 2 PM to 5 PM (because hey, you just gotta see the highlights from an early June game between the Royals and Athletics 10 times, right?!) The changes proposed by the network will include changing the final scores of games played the previous evening on at least 1 airing of Sportscenter. But the changes do not stop there. Not only will the final score be altered, but on a minimum of one showing of Sportscenter per day, the highlights will be altered as well, to show a completely different team playing in that game. For example, this past February, the Green Bay Packers defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers to become Super Bowl Champions. Under these changes, the score could actually be reversed to tell us the Steelers won OR it could be completely changed and read that the Jacksonville Jaguars defeated the Washington Redskins to win the Super Bowl. The network is also reportedly toying with the idea of changing the stats from the games. For example: LeBron James’ struggles in the NBA finals against the Mavericks could very well not even exist for at least 1 hour a day, as the 21 points he scored in game 6 could be changed to 64 points as the show would tell us that the Heat won the NBA title by defeating the Washington Wizards. Many viewers were confused when network executives made these announcements this morning, others were intrigued. No matter what individual feelings may be, however, the general concensus remains the same…. “Why, ESPN, do you show THE SAME GOD DAMN SHOW for 9 consecutive hours EVERY day?!”

Miami, Florida – The NBA season came to a close last night as the Dallas Mavericks defeated the Miami Heat 105-95 to win the franchise’s first ever championship. Almost overshadowing the win, however, is the struggles of LeBron James in the series. He averaged just under 18 points per game in the 6 games against the Mavs – almost 9 less than he averaged the rest of the playoffs, and was virtually non existent in the 4th quarters of these games. Yet even more disappointing than that is the fact that LeBron James is still alive. In all 6 games of the series, not one person attempted to pull out a gun and shoot James while he was on the court! In all 288 minutes of basketball played, not one person got seats behind Miami’s bench so they could pull out a knife and stab him during a timeout! Even during the post game press conference when LeBron made the asshole statement that all of the people rooting for him to fail would have to wake up with the same life as they had and the same personal problems they had as he will continue to live the way he wants and do the things he wants, would have been an excellent opportunity for some reporter to stand up and say “You wont be living at all, bitch!” and then attack. But at the end of the night, no such thing had happened and the extremely arrogant basketball player with a large tattoo on his back that says CHOSEN 1 sadly left American Airlines Arena with his life still intact and only his pride injured. In sports, there is the phrase “wait til next year.” In this case, the same can be said for those who wish harm on LeBron James. So as LeBron will now have continue to hunt for his first championship ring, with any luck at all, someone out there will hunt for him.

New York City, New York - Carmelo Anthony made his New York debut last night, leading the Knicks past the Milwaukee Bucks 114-108. With the crowd chanting for him every time he touched the ball, Anthony scored 27 points and pulled down 10 rebounds in the victory. The atmosphere was simply electric as delusional fans packed Madison Square Garden to see their new star forward who has never taken his team past a conference finals series. “I’m just glad I got that game out of my system” Anthony said in a post game press conference, adding “now I can just settle in, play my game, and lead this team to not winning anything meaningful.” Coaches and teammates were pleased at the big numbers that Carmelo put up against the 22-35 Bucks. They were also pleased with the excitement level that the fans are now displaying, with head coach, Mike D’Antoni, saying that it was “great to see them come out tonight and be so fired up about watching us beat a terrible Milwaukee Bucks team, I’m very pleased with the way they pretended that it mattered at all.” Knicks fans next opportunity to pretend that their team now matters is Friday night against the Cavaliers, who are a league worst 10-47. They will then travel to Miami on Sunday to take on one of the possible teams that will eventually eliminate them in the first round when the NBA playoffs begin, the Heat. But whether it is the Heat, Celtics, Magic, or Bulls that eliminates them in the first round of the playoffs (because it will happen), Carmelo says he’s not looking that far into the future. “I’m just concentrating on playing my game right now, which is to have a very good regular season record, bring excitement and hope to the fans, and then let them all down in April when I take my team nowhere.”

New York City, New York - Sources close to the situation are now saying that Carmelo Anthony was “dangerously close” to becoming a Laker last night. It is being reported that in the final hours before the deal was announced, Los Angeles reached out and made an offer to the Nuggets of a 1996 Pontiac Bonneville with only 98,000 miles on it. Of course we already know that it was the inclusion of a 1992 Buick Skylark that sent Anthony to the Knicks instead of the Nets with their offer of a 1991 Buick Regal. But we had no idea that the Lakers, whose name was mentioned casually in the trade discussions, had become this serious in the negotiations. In fact, Lakers GM, Mitch Kupchak, was said to be so confident that his trade proposal would be accepted, that he allegedly told Denver Nuggets owner, Stan Kroenke, that if he was unsatisfied with the vehicle in any way, the team would return Carmelo to the Nuggets no questions asked. Kroenke confirmed the news of the Bonneville offer from the Lakers earlier this morning saying that “it definitely did not make my job as an owner any easier having to make this decision. These were three fine vehicles on the table, but at the end of the day, I just couldn’t resist the safety record of that Skylark. That’s just a safe, sturdy vehicle right there, not like the crap that gets made today.” Indeed, the safety and dependability of the early 90′s Skylark design is unquestionable. It has been tested and passed numerous times over the years, taking it’s owners much further than Carmelo Anthony has ever taken the Denver Nuggets.

Denver, Colorado - After months of rumors and speculation, Carmelo Anthony is now on his way out of Denver. A deal has been made that will have Anthony calling New York his home and the Knicks his team. How this came to be, however, was anything but your normal NBA trade. For the better part of a month, Anthony’s name was linked with a different team seemingly every day of the week. On Monday, he was going to the New Jersey Nets, on Tuesday, he was destined to become a Knick, then out of nowhere, on a Wednesday, there was suddenly talk that he would become a Laker. Here we are now as the smoke has cleared, the rumors are done, and the hype on one of the most overrated players to ever be discussed in trade talks is done. The foward who has led the Nuggets to 1 conference finals series in his 7 full seasons with the team, but for some reason has been talked about lately as if he’s won multiple NBA titles, will now head to basketball’s grandest stage, Madison Square Garden, to not win anything meaningful. The Knicks gave a lot in the trade, giving up Wilson Chandler, Raymond Felton, Danilo Gallinari, Timofey Mozgov, the team’s first round draft pick in 2014, and what now appears to be the most important piece of the deal, a 1992 Buick Skylark.

We are now learning that the Skylark is actually the backbone of the entire deal, as Knicks owner, James Dolan now says that if he would have offered the automobile earlier, the deal could have been done weeks ago. It seems GM Donnie Walsh told Dolan back in January that the price tag was just too high and to stand firm on the issue of the Skylark. However, just last Monday, Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov heated things up when he offered the Nuggets a 1991 Buick Regal. After this, Dolan and the Knicks saw no other choice and agreed on Denver’s demands for the Skylark. Nuggets owner, Stan Kroenke then had what he referred to as an “extremely tough” decision to make. “They’re both great vehicles” said Kroenke, “but at the end of the day, the Regal was a year older and had 16,000 more miles on it than the Skylark did, not to mention the Skylark they gave us is actually the Gran Sport model, so looking back, it’s like we stole from them! Hell of a deal!” So now all of the storylines, rumors, and distractions can come to a close and Carmelo can now join his new teammates for the rest of the season and hopefully lead them to the playoffs, where they will more than likely be the 8th seed and lose in the first round to either the Celtics or Heat