Tuscaloosa, Alabama - Early in 2011, the University of Alabama unveiled a statue of head football coach Nick Saban outside of Bryant-Denny Stadium. Since then, the Crimson Tide have won 2 national championships, something that, as of this morning, has Saban calling for a second statue. Reports began to surface late last night after Alabama’s 42-14 dismantling of Notre Dame, that Saban demanded a second statue of himself be constructed and placed directly in front of the first one. However, Saban was very specific about the details of this one. Some of those specifics are that he wants this statue placed exactly 3 yards away and facing the first, because according to Saban, he “wants this statue to be able to admire the greatness that is Nick Saban.” Another demand Saban had for the new statue was that he wanted a much larger bulge constucted in the crotch region because, once again, according to the coach himself, “I swing a big dong, and other people and other Nick Saban statues need to know that.” The university has reportedly already begun drawing up the plans and are set to begin erecting the statue next week. Saban, who has now won three national championships at Alabama, has already stated that he plans to win four more at the school, which would allow him to pass the legendary coach Bear Bryant and the six he won for the Crimson Tide. According to Saban, after that happens, he wants the original Nick Saban statue AND the Bear Bryant statue melted down together, then used to create an even larger “Super Saban” statue, which Saban says will be “about a foot taller and an even larger bulge… like, huge.”

Tuscaloosa, Alabama - Many Alabama fans have reportedly begun using recordings of last night’s BCS national championship game against Notre Dame in the place of porn. Apparently, the way that the Crimson Tide completely demolished the Irish had these fans so aroused, that they have already begun playing the game back on their DVRs and pleasuring themselves to it. A small number of them are reportedly playing the game back, pausing it during shots of AJ McCarron’s girlfriend, and catching whacks that way, which is completely understandable. The bulk of them, however, are jerking off to the actual game itself, aroused by an 18 yard run up the middle by Eddie Lacy, engorged by a 34 yard pass down the sideline to Amari Cooper. At this time, the game is being considered a form of fetish porn, as these people are basically jerking off while watching rape take place.

Miami, Florida - When polled last month about who they would rather see win tonight’s BCS national championship game between Alabama and Notre Dame, college football fans were extremely divided. 53 percent said they wanted to see the Crimson Tide win while 47 percent said they wanted to see the Irish come away with a victory. In the most dramatic shift in history, new polls have 100 percent of college football fans polled in favor of Alabama in tonight’s big game. This comes on the heels of ESPN personality Lou Holtz stating that he would kill himself if Notre Dame were to lose this game. Researchers have said there is no one reason for such a shift after Holtz’ vow to meet demise at his own hands if the Irish lose, instead concluding that there are most likely numerous reasons. According to those researchers, those reasons include the fact that because he was the coach of Notre Dame, he is such a homer that he is many times blinded to reality, he is just an old senile fuck who gets lost in his own thoughts while trying to talk about college football, and that it is absolutely excrutiating to listen to him spit all over the place as he talks, so much so that it makes me want to kill myself just listening to him, so better him leave this earth than me

Morgantown, West Virginia - It was only two weeks ago that many “experts” and foolish West Virginia fans had Geno Smith as the runaway winner of the 2012 Heisman trophy. Clearly lacking eyes, a brain, and the capability for rational thought, these people had not realized that 1. it was early October and there was way too much football left, and 2. the teams he had faced so far were the likes of Marshal, Baylor, and James Madison – James fucking Madison, for Christ’s sake! Fast forward two weeks and here we stand with Geno Smith and his Mountaineers having been completely fucked where they stand two games in a row, by Texas Tech and Kansas State, and by a combined score of  104 to 28. In yesterday’s raping by Kansas State, Smith threw his first interception of the season…..then his second interception of the season. Making it even more painful for Smith was the fact that on the other side, Kansas State QB Colin Klein was actually living up to his hype, completing 90 percent of his passes for 3 touchdowns and running for another 4. The rest of the season is a bit of a mixed bag for the Mountaineers, as they must still face a tough Oklahoma team, but do still have games against loose buttholes like Iowa State and Kansas. It is not a stretch to say that if they can pick themselves up and regroup, that they will still finish the season a respectable 8-4, perhaps even 9-3. Mountaineer fans will anxiously wait to see what the rest of the season holds after the last two pathetic showings, but what their season will difinitely not hold any longer are those delusional thoughts that West Virginia could ever win a national championship and that Geno Smith will win the Heisman. Good news though for Mountaineer fans…. if they ever start awarding the Heisman 4 games into the season, your guy could be a lock!

New Orleans, Louisiana - The Kentucky Wildcats defeated the Kansas Jayhawks 67-59 last night to win the eighth national championship in the program’s history and the first for weasely head coach John Calipari. For all of Calipari’s success over the years, that first title simply seemed to elude the coach with over 500 career wins. Thanks to players like Anthony Davis and his disgusting unibrow, the title eludes Calipari no more. Of course, thanks to Calipari, this national championship will no doubt be stripped away from them eventually. Wildcat fans must be expecting this though, after Calipari has had final four runs vacated at both UMass and Memphis. If (and by “if” we mean WHEN) their championship is taken from them by the NCAA, Kentucky fans must be ready to decide which they find more disconcerting – Being stripped of a national championship OR Anthony Davis’ unibrow

Atlanta, Georgia - As the buzzer sounded last last Saturday night at the end of Kentucky’s win over Iowa State, Wildcats head coach john Calipari immediately thought back to December 10, 2011. Why? Because that is the day his team, number 1 in the country at the time, was defeated by a then unranked Indiana squad. He thought about how it had knocked the Wildcats out of the top ranking, how it had marred their so far undefeated record, and how it was all done by a three pointer at the buzzer from Hoosier forward Christian Watford. Calipari thought about all of this and immediately got a revenge boner as he knew that his next round’s opponent would be those same Indiana Hoosiers. As the Wildcats stepped off the bus this morning upon arriving to Atlanta, Calipari was still sporting that same revenge boner. In fact, reports are that the payback erection has not subsided since he learned of his game against Indiana 5 days ago, which could be a serious medical problem. Players admitted yesterday that it has been uncomfortable practicing this week with their head coach standing on the court with them sporting a constant erection the entire time. “Yeah, it’s weird,” said Kentucky forward Anthony Davis, who leads the team in scoring and rebounding this season. “But you can’t argue with the man’s methods. Just look at his career” he continued. It is a career that includes over 500 victories as a head coach in college basketball. Of course, he has cheated at every stop to gain many of those victories, from players at UMass accepting money to having other people take a player’s tests at Memphis. Both schools have been forced to vacate wins and even seasons because of him. Of course, he has not faced any such problems at Kentucky….yet. Now, that doesn’t mean that we are saying he’s cheating there too. He may or not be…..but definitely is. Despite the fact that Calipari is a complete piece of shit who just makes you want to vomit simply by looking at him, you have to respect that very same coaching record…..except for his miserable joke of a coaching performance in the NBA. Calipari hopes to take one step closer to his first national championship tomorrow, which would put him just three wins away from accomplishing that feat. It would also bring the Kentucky basketball program closer to forfeiting the win as infractions are uncovered in the future. Until that day undoubtedly happens, the Wildcat’s weasley coach, arrogant players, and smug fanbase will continue on with hopes of that elusive national championship as we all continue on watching the NCAA tournament and hoping that the camera does not pan down below Calipari’s waste tomorrow and reveal that revenge boner he has for the Hoosiers.

New Orleans, Louisiana - The Alabama Crimson Tide and The LSU Tigers will battle it out tonight for the second time this season. At stake tonight, however, is much more than a mid season victory, as was the case the first time these teams met in November. Tonight’s winner will hoist the crystal trophy and forever be written in the history books as national champions. As big as that moment will be, there was perhaps an even bigger moment that came just over a month ago, on December 4th when this matchup was announced. That is the moment when fans, coaches, and players of every other conference in the nation realized that they are the SEC’s bitch. At that moment, as it began to sink in that no matter who wins or loses this game, the SEC will be assured it’s sixth consecutive BCS national championship, every other conference collectively said “Well it’s official…my penis is just for show now.” With a streak that began in the 2006 season with a Florida victory, the SEC has now sent four different teams to six straight BCS championship games, with both of tonight’s participants having already won one in that span. In fact, there is even word that since two teams from the conference are participating in the game tonight, that the BCS may count tonight’s victory as two national championships for the SEC, giving them seven straight. As you can imagine, this is causing some anger among other conferences. That is to be expected, however, as it is never easy when you realize that you are someone’s bitch. The conferences that are reportedly taking the realization the hardest are the Big 10 and the Big East. Of course, no one outside of the Big East even considers them a conference, so they are irrelevant. The past three years, the Big 12 and the Pac 10 have tried to stand up to the conference, to say they refuse to take it anymore and just leave. Each time, however, the SEC has struck them violently and explained that they “got a good thing going as the conference’s bitch” and that there “aint no reason to change the way things are.” The SEC would then give the other conferences a kiss and demand their money, which was a bit odd. So while only one team will own the BCS national championship trophy at the end of the night, many teams, many conferences, will be owned by the Southeastern Conference.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana - As Monday’s BCS championship game matchup between LSU and Alabama draws closer, talk continues of their previous meeting in November, both teams’ exceptional defense, and even if this is the matchup we should have. Amongst all of this talk is one thing that we should all take a moment to remember, and that is what a complete piece of shit LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson is. The QB, who will finish his extremely mediocre career in Monday’s game, missed the team’s first four games after he was arrested in August for his role in a bar fight where he kicked a man in the face. After he KICKED A MAN IN THE FUCKING FACE, he was charged with felony second degree battery. One month later, the charges were reduced to simple battery, a misdemeanor. He was then reinstated to the team by head coach Les Miles, who would likely kick his own mother in the face if it gave him the best chance to win. Thanks to Les Miles lack of integrity, Jefferson saw his first action of the season October 1 against Kentucky. The piece of shit then continued to be rewarded for his actions of a little bitch, as he received more and more playing time, eventually “earning” his starting job back. Monday will mark the close of Jefferson’s career, which featured an unimpressive 34 touchdowns and 19 interceptions. He will then move on to the next stage in his life – working at the Taco Bell drive thru (or it could be McDonalds or KFC) because as Jefferson tells us, his options are wide open. So as anticipation builds for Monday’s game, we should obviously pay attention to the two teams’ stats, the records, the history, and the hype. But amid all of that, let’s not forget that Jordan Jefferson is one of the biggest pieces of shit in college sports today (even ahead of gigantic piece of shit Mississippi State basketball player Renardo Sidney.)

Montgomery, Alabama - Ealier today, Alabama governor, Bob Riley declared that tomorrow will be “Cameron Newton Day” in the state. The governor said that the day will be in recognition of the Heisman winning quarterback leading the Auburn Tigers to an undefeated record and a spot in the national championship game next Monday. Governor Riley invited all fans to join him him at the state capitol building on Goat Hill in Montgomery this Saturday, January 8, to celebrate Newton’s achievements. He then invited everyone to come back to the same location  on January 8, 2012 to take part in “That fucking Cameron Newton!” Day. It will be a day to celebrate the quarterback being stripped of the Heisman and Auburn being forced to vacate all wins from the 2010 season and the program being put on probation when the NCAA finally rules that the quarterback lied about not knowing that his father, Cecil Newton solicited money for his son’s signature to play at the school….. Although this day will techincally be more for fans of the Alabama Crimson Tide.

Gainesville, Florida - When Florida Gators head coach, Urban Meyer, announced today that he will be stepping down from his position at the school, he stated that it is because he wants to focus more on his family. But, as we have just learned, that is only half of the story. The truth is this day was set into motion the day Tim Tebow graduated from Florida. As we all know, the former Gators quarterback, the man who set almost every school record there was, was so beloved for his actions both on and off the field, that the NCAA probably would have passed a new rule just for him that he could stay and play QB for Florida for far past his 4 years of eligibility. But Tebow wanted to pursue his dream of playing in the NFL, not to mention all the money that comes along with such a dream. But hold on a minute! Did Tebow really need the NFL for that salary? As we’ve learned with Cam Newton, you can get paid quite handsomely for playing college football. And think about this… Newton got at least $180,000….or, his father did and Cam knew nothing of it (YEAH RIGHT!) $180,000 and he was just a punk kid out of junior college. Tebow had played 4 years of FBS football, been an all American, had 2 national championships and a heisman trophy, so you have to think that he could have commanded a much higher salary than Newton. But we can’t completely blame Tebow. He didn’t think about trying to extend his eligibility by strong arming, or “Tebowing” the NCAA, and he was now a year late in learning that as long as your dad asks for money and not you, as long as you just keep lying, then you can keep playing. So can we blame Tim Tebow for causing Urban Meyer to no longer be the coach of Florida? Maybe. Or maybe we should blame his parents for not having him a year later than they did. Think about it: if they have him a year later, he entrolls at Florida a year later than he did, he doesn’t have to leave Florida until a year later than he did, and by the time he does have to leave, he will have learned of the new shady loophole that Cam Newton and his father have found in the system that is the NCAA. So blame Tebow, blame Tebow’s parents, or just simply blame poor timing? Who knows? But the one thing we do know is that Cam Newton is a liar.