Nashville, Tennessee - Officials at Vanderbilt University have begun rebranding themselves as the school, which traditionally focuses on academics before all else, looks to reach a broader range of potential students. The Nashville school with an enrollment of just under 13,000 will soon roll out a new campaign to attract students from all walks of life as they will be touting their university as “The brobang capital of the SEC.” Mark Dalton, chairman of the school’s board of Trust explains the move as “something that will bring in the athletes and party seekers as well as the traditional student looking for a superior education.” But why such a move for a school that, for the most part, is purely academic? According to Dalton, it is “just the way things are headed.” He explains “Kids are increasingly looking to have a good time when they come to a school. They’re looking for education, but they are also looking for an experience, for fun, and for brobangs.” A brobang, of course, is two or more males, or “bros”, have sex with one girl. The first brobang in Vanderbilt history was said to have taken place in 2004 and was orchestrated by Jay Cutler during his junior season as quarterback for the football team. They have reportedly been increasing in popularity year after year at the school. The university’s location has much to do with the brobang popularity, as the city of Nashville has begun linked to the likes of Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, just to name a couple. Cyrus being the whore that she is is said to be a “brobang all star” and has really helped the Nashville brobang reputation. The “Music City” is a destination for many tourists, given their rich history, beautiful scenery, and bustling nightlife. It is for all these reasons that officials have decided to claim themselves “the brobang capital of the SEC.” They, of course, will face an uphill battle, as it has been established for years that the University of Florida in Gainesville is the owner of that title.

Nashville, Tennessee - Jessica Norton was just your typical 18 year old girl with a diary 24 hours ago. Now she is poised to become the next big star in country music. It all happened yesterday afternoon when Norton was sitting on a bench on Broadway Street in downtown Nashville writing in her diary when a man stopped to talk to her. That man just happened to be Jimmy Planto, an executive from Sony Music Nashville. “I was just walking back to my car after eating lunch when I see this girl sitting on a bench, but I didn’t think much of it because that’s not anything out of the ordinary” Planto said. “But then I notice 2 things, 1. that this girl is moderately attractive and 2. she has a diary, and my first thought was “That’s exactly like Taylor!” The Taylor he speaks of is country artist, Taylor Swift, who is famous for singing songs that were created from the writings in her personal diary. Planto continued, “I had no clue what she was writing, she could have been making out a grocery list for all I knew, BUT I did know that she had a look that many people would find appealing. See, that’s what it’s all about these days in music… The looks! Talent, determination? Those are so last decade! As long as some people think you are attractive, that is the key.” Sony now hopes to mirror the success that Taylor Swift has acheived by following the same formula, for she, too, is a moderately attractive girl to many, but to others looks like a rabbit in the face. She also wrote stories in her diary, mostly scribblings about boys who dumped her, fairytales, and just thoughts such as “I liked Romeo and Juliet.” All of which were then turned into major billboard hits once other less attractive staff songwriters worked on them for her. When asked if she thinks she can achieve the same success as Swift, Norton shrugged her shoulders and answered “I sure hope so. That would be amazing! I’m a little worried though, because I have never sung before, I mean not even once in my life, and I told Mr. Planto that, but he assured me that it’s ok because all I really need are my moderately attractive looks and a diary of teenage lyrics that other songwriters can work on tirelessly for me, and I can be just as successful as her!” As for what she was writing at the time Planto approached her, it turned out to be what she wanted for dinner that night. “That will probably be the first single, said the Sony executive. We can turn it into something along the lines of Cinderella eating chicken with Romeo and listening to their favorite song while thinking about how they belong together. It’s going to be a hit! Remember, she’s got the look!” CMT, Vh1, and MTV have already confirmed that they will simulcast a 30 minute making of the first video that will conclude with the world broadcast premiere of the song.