Lincoln, Nebraska - What do Twilight and 9/11 have in common? ABSOLUTELY nothing! Unless you are Laura Breslin, a 13 year old girl who has compared not being able to see the new Twilight movie this weekend to that tragic day. After being grounded last Wednesday for receiving a poor grade on her English exam, she was not allowed to go see the film during it’s opening weekend. “It’s totally unfair” Breslin said. “It’s like, I get a bad grade or whatever and my dad won’t let me go see Breaking Dawn Part 2. Like, this is important, you know? This is the last one!” Breslin then began to cry as she continued “They’re not going to make anymore and I don’t think my dad gets that! Like, I got a bad grade on a test, like big deal you know?! It’s just English! When am I ever going to use that again? Like serious. It’s just….not a big deal, it’s just English. Edward is like so way better than some stupid test!” At this point, Breslin became quite hysterical and had to sit down as she continued to weep and say stupid things. “It’s just not fair, that’s all. I mean, I saw the first Breaking Dawn 9 times during the opening weekend and now I didn’t get to see this one any. It’s just….it’s like a tragedy….it’s like 9/11 or something. I mean like, I was only 3 back then and don’t have any memory at all of that day, but I know it was real sad. And I think this is kind of like that day. It’s pretty, what’s that word, catostroznic or something?” Laura says she hopes to see Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 next weekend and still has not realized that 9/11 and Twilight are absolutely unrelated and that one is an extremely tragic event in history and the other is just a complete tragedy that it was ever even created.
Los Angeles, California - With the massive success of “The Hunger Games” this weekend at the box office, it was all but guaranteed that we will be seeing a sequel to the film. And now, it IS a guarantee. One day after final weekend box office numbers were released, showing that the film had raked in $152.5 million in it’s first three days, it has been announced that the sequel to the film will begin shooting this fall. A spokesperson for Lionsgate announced earlier this morning that the sequel will take much more of an adult turn and that it will likely be called “The Boner Games.” This, of course, departs from the trilogy of books written by Suzanne Collins, in which “Catching Fire” followed “The Hunger Games.” Though the script has yet to be written, Lionsgate has provided a few details on the storyline of “The Boner Games.” President Steve Beeks says that “while many people got fucked where they stand in the first film, we will be seeing much more of this in the sequel, but the phrase will be taking on a much more literal meaning. Many elements that you love from The Hunger Games will still be present in Boner Games. For example, there will still be plenty of action, plenty of dramatic battles and conquests…..they will just be more of the sexual variety.” Beeks then exclaimed to everyone in attendance “Hope ya like Liam Hemsworth’s boner!” He then paused for a moment as a look appeared on his face that seemed to be a mixture of sadness and horror, as he stated “Jesus, we’re basically just making a porn here aren’t we?!” He then excused himself and left the room. The Hunger Games’ $152.5 million ranks as the third largest opening weekend box office in history, trailing only “Harry Potter and The Deathly Hollows Pt. 2″ and “The Dark Knight.” Stars of the first flim such as Jennifer Lawerence, Josh Hutcherson, and Liam Hemsworth are expected to return in the sequel, “Boner Games,” along with Alexis Texas and Jenna Haze.
Los Angeles, California - Sad news in the music world today as singer Whitney Houston has died at the age of 48. In even sadder news, comedian Whitney Cummings is still alive. The multi award winning Houston was the only artist to chart seven consecutive Billboard Hot 100 Hits. She delivered one of the biggest hits ever with “I Will Always Love You” from The Bodyguard soundtrack in 1992. Whitney Cummings, the 29 year old female comedian, however, is unfortunately still among the living. Cummings is best known for her amazingly unfunny show, “Whitney” on NBC. The cause of Houston’s death was not immediately known, as police are still investigating. They are also investigating how Whitney Cummings was ever given a television show. The obvious answer: blowjobs. We are expecting to learn more in the next couple of days, as the only thing we know at this moment is that the wrong Whitney has died.
Los Angeles, California - Actor Ryan Reynolds and musician John Mayer have been teaming up to brobang girls for close to 8 months now and have decided that a massive celebration is in order. With that in mind, they are hosting the first annual 4th of July Brofest Brobang Bonanza this weekend at Reynolds’ home. Neither man could be reached for comment but each of them did release statements, with Reynolds saying that there is no better time than this weekend to celebrate both America and brobangs. Mayer’s statement echoed the sentiments of Reynolds and said that they thought the best way to celebrate both America and brobangs is to combine them into one massive party. They then released details of the celebration. Here are a few of the things that will be taking place:
* A used condom (which Mayer referred to as a dongbag) stacking contest
* A raw hamburger eating contest – which will be between 2 random people at the party that are chosen by Reynolds and Mayer
* A 21 whack salute to the late Farrah Fawcett
* A bonfire where Mr. Mayer will share stories of his many sexual conquests and provide detailed personal and downright shameful information about said conquests (e.g. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Aniston)
* A special brobang themed fireworks show – this will simply be Mr. Reynolds and Mr. Mayer firing off roman candles as they have sex with random women in attendance
The two gentleman also said there would be “loose cougars” at the party. They did not specify, however, if this meant slutty older women looking for younger men, or if there will in fact be ferocious mountain lions roaming around the property. It was also stated that any men wishing to attend the party are welcome to do so, but must be prepared at any moment for Double R and JM to walk up to you, push you to the floor, call you a nerd, then take the girl you are with and brobang her. All in all, this celebration seems to be shaping up to be quite the extravaganza. Festivities will begin at 7:30 this evening and are scheduled to end next Friday – because while everyone else plans a 3 day weekend, Ryan Reynolds and John Mayer settle for no less than 6 consecutive days of sleepless partying, for, as the two men say – That is the PERFECT amount of time for females to become sleep deprived and therefore make rash decisions.
Jackson, Mississippi - No, the movie did not set the box office record for highest grossing opening weekend for a super hero movie. Even with it’s massive 66 million dollar opening this past weekend, Thor was about 92 million short of the 2008 opening of The Dark Knight. It did, however, directly lead to the star of the movie, Chris Hemsworth, setting a record of his own. The 27 year old Australian born actor slept with 17 different girls over the weekend, giving him the all time pussy crushing record for the star of a movie during it’s opening weekend. He easily surpassed the record set by Leonardo DiCaprio with the 1997 release of Titanic, when he had sex with 11 girls in the film’s first 3 days. When asked about Hemsworth taking his record from him, DiCaprio was understanding, saying that “it’s a different time, girls are bigger whores now than they have ever been.” DiCaprio then wished Hemsworth luck and even encouraged him to strive to set an even higher record by having sex with more women when he returns to star in The Avengers, which is due out in 2012. Hemsworth’s new record may not last long, however. It is expected to be challenged by Ryan Reynolds(currently third on the list, having banged 9 girls during the opening weekend of his 2009 film, The Proposal) when The Green Lantern hits theaters in June. When asked if he is worried about being dethroned so soon, Hemsworth admitted being concerned, saying that “Ryan has a great physique and is dangerously handsome. I added 20 pounds of muscle to my physique for Thor and that is definitely what propelled me to the record this past weekend. Girls are becoming bigger whores by the week and they love good bodies. Given that, I definitely expect Ryan to challenge me later this summer. No worries though, mate.” We will not have to wait long to see if Reynolds does indeed take over the top spot from Hemsworth, as The Green Lantern opens in just over a month on June 17th. But until then, Chris Hemsworth has said that he will enjoy the success he has found with Thor…and use that success to thrust himself into as many women as humanly possible.