Los Angeles, California - With tonight’s premiere of the new ABC show, ‘Don’t Trust The B— In Apt. 23, James Van Der Beek makes his triumphant return to prime time television, though he never left our hearts or minds. Van Der Beek, who rose to stardom in the late 90′s with ‘Dawson’s Creek’ has been involved in a couple of television series in recent years, they have been mostly garbage. His new show promises to me no different, however, as Don’t Trust The B— appears to be a show that will be canceled after six episodes as it’s only redeeming quality is likely VDB himself. Though it is unclear how such a clear mistake of a show landed such an American treasure, ABC executives are excited as it premieres tonight after Modern Family. They will then excitedly begin looking for a replacement show 15 minutes into the first episode

Los Angeles, California - Though tonight’s episode of the hit ABC show ‘Modern Family’ has not even aired yet, it is already offending plenty of pussies who can’t mind their own business. McKay Hatch, an 18 year old who is the biggest pussy among them, is reportedly the most offended of all. Hatch founded the No Cussing Club in 2007. Though it sounds like a joke, we are not kidding. So what exactly is this lame ass club so offended over? Reportedly, in tonight’s episode of the hit comedy, the 2 year old daughter of characters Mitchell and Cameron, utters her first curse word, the word “fuck.” Of course, it is beeped out and her mouth blurred as she says the word (which, in real life, the child actually reportedly said the word “fudge.”) Hatch is asking that ABC not air the episode, because he “wants ABC to know that people all over the world don’t want to hear a 2 year old saying the F-bomb on TV.” Oh no! Not the “F-bomb!” Also, by “people all over the world,” he means the 35,000 members of his No Cussing Club throughout the United States and about three dozen other countries. Wow! 35,000 – an impressive number, considering there over 312 million IN THE UNITED STATES ALONE! The number is likely to grow after the coverage the story is now receiving, because there are always assholes who think they know what is best for other people they don’t even know. Modern Family will air as scheduled tonight on at 9 p.m. EST as ABC has no plans of pulling it (as the super sensitive 18 year old pussy who thinks he knows what everyone should see and hear as if people are not able to think for themselves and decide what they do or do not watch or listen to) desires. It could be worse, however. As opposed to this 18 year old pussy, we could have an entire group of assholes thinking they know what is best for us when it comes to television, music, or radio. Oh, wait, we do… That would be the pieces of shit known as the FCC.