Posted on 31 May 2013 by bmar1127
Jackson, Mississippi – An article hit the New York Times website yesterday in their travel section urging travelers to spend 36 hours in Jackson, MS. The article mapped out the entire trip with suggestions of how to fill your time in the city. Representatives for the New York Times have since stated that they left out an important part of the article. They meant to specify that the suggestion to spend 36 hours in Jackson was actually a challenge to see if you can spend that amount of time in that city without getting robbed or murdered. The challenge urged readers to first take a walk through the Belhaven area, where they will be encountered by several over the top, artsy individuals who will try to tell you all about how the area they call “Midtown” is the place to be. Nope, it’s just another part of shitty Jackson. You will start your next morning off by having breakfast at The Big Apple Inn on Farish Street, famous for their pig ear sandwiches. As you enjoy this disgusting food item, you can take in the vacant, rotting, and vandalized buildings that make up the rest of Farish Street. The highlight of your day will be when you visit the Fondren area. This will be a special treat for you if you love being surrounded by hipster assholes in skinny jeans and large black rimmed glasses. You can enter into the area coffee shop where you can listen to several of the super trendy locals tell you about their new screenplay, push their politics on you, and matter of factly tell you that the Fondren area is the place to be and that anywhere else is beneath them. Or if you would like a change of pace, you can head around the corner to the OTHER area coffee shop where you can listen to several other super trendy locals tell you about their new screenplay, push their politics on you, and matter of factly tell you that the Fondren area is the place to be and that anywhere else is beneath them. The difference in the first and second group of people is that the second will also be wearing fedoras. There will also be the added bonus of them telling you about the local play they are in at the end of the month, whether you asked or not. End your night by going to a bar in the crime-ridden downtown area. If you have then survived the 36 hours in Jackson without being robbed or murdered, you have won the challenge. But seriously, you will more than likely be robbed or murdered. Possibly both.
Posted on 10 April 2013 by bmar1127
Jackson, Mississippi – Tensions between the United States and South Korea are at an all time high today, though not for the reasons one may think. Typically, situations like this arise between two countries due to religion, politics, etc. In this case, however, it is all because of one Mississippi man and his incredibly inappropriate pick-up line he used with a girl recently. Jackson resident, Benjamin Douglas, reportedly approached Seohee Song, a South Korean native who attends a local college in Jackson, after seeing her on a newscast the night before, in which she was speaking of the current situation involving her parents back home and their fear of recent threats made by neighboring North Korea. Douglas reportedly located her at a bar the next night, approached her, and asked “Are you constipated?” before immediately adding “Because I want to fuck the shit out of you.” Song was understandably upset and confused. Afterward, her feelings turned to anger as she was repeating the story to friends and family back home via a Facetime conversation. Enraged, her family then told South Korean authorities, who then contacted the White House. Word then reached President Barack Obama, who immediately went on record as saying that “The words spoken by Douglas to Song have been seen as a verbal assault from our country to hers” and that he “Could not even fathom how someone could use such a pick-up line.” He then paused before saying “But what else would I expect from someone from Mississippi?” It is unknown at this time exactly how Obama is planning to deal with Douglas, but the president could later be seen very clearly mouthing the words “Guantanamo” and “water boarding” to a secret service agent.
Posted on 18 March 2013 by bmar1127
Oxford, Mississippi – March Madness is upon us. The NCAA tournament begins tomorrow with some loose play in games that the NCAA and media want to convince us are “1st round” games, with “2nd round” games to be played Thursday and Friday. Looking past that load of horse shit and knowing that Thursday is actually the beginning of the 1st round, we profile one such player involved in those games: Guard Marshall Henderson of the Ole Miss Rebels. After a regular season full of ups and downs and Mississippi’s shitty local newspaper, The Clarion Ledger, writing about wins against teams like Texas A&M (7-11) and Georgia (9-9) like they were school girls gushing over Justin Bieber, Ole Miss shocked almost everybody yesterday when they defeated Florida to win the SEC tournament. In doing so, they secured an automatic bid and are scheduled to get fucked where they stand by Wisconsin on Friday in the “2nd round” of the NCAA tournament. The Rebels were led this season by Henderson, who was arrested in 2010 when he was caught buying weed with $800 worth of counterfeit money. He then spent 25 days in jail last spring for violating his parole when he tested positive for alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine. As the Rebels guided their way through an extremely mediocre SEC, Henderson was, without a doubt, the leader of the team. And after a breakout season which saw him do things like popping his jersey after beating 3-15 Auburn, give the Ole Miss “landshark” hand sign, which we previously thought was just some stupid shit their football team did, and various other ridiculous acts to try to make himself forget he’s just a white kid who won’t be making it in the NBA, he is now, without a doubt, the biggest douchebag in all of college basketball. Henderson, the Rebels, and head coach Andy Kennedy (who, let’s never forget, shouted racial slurs at a cab driver) will play Wisconsin early Friday and will be taking a plane back to Mississippi mid afternoon after they lose that game.
Posted on 15 March 2013 by bmar1127
Jackson, MS – The age old question of whether or not there is a God is expected to be answered Friday night at a concert in Jackson, Mississippi that will feature Shinedown, Three Days Grace, and POD. That is when, according to reports, a large volcanic formation will rise from the center of the Mississippi Coliseum, killing everyone in attendance, including the bands, thus proving that God not only exists, but that he is fair and just. There have been reports for some time now that the almighty has been growing increasingly weary of the fighting and deaths that are often related to the belief or disbelief of his existence. According to sources, he has been pondering a move that would announce his existence once and for all, but has been unsure of how he should make such a move. Though God was unavailable for comment, we were able to speak to his close friend, who wished only to be identified as Jeff. Jeff told us that he had lost count of the times that God would become emotional and say to him “Look at my children, J. Look at the way so many of them behave. Did I go wrong somewhere?” Jeff also says that God called him about three weeks ago, furious about tonight’s concert and screaming “Everything! I gave them everything! I created this all, and THIS is how they repay me, by using the talent I bestowed upon them to assemble these shitty bands?!” According to Jeff, God then simply said “That’s it!” and slammed the phone down. That is the last time Jeff says he has seen or heard from his friend. Jeff also told us that God has been more and more upset at acts like Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift as well, but there is little he can do since their souls were legally sold to satan years ago.
Posted on 03 February 2013 by bmar1127
New Orleans, Louisiana – So first the Ravens were fucking the 49ers where they stood, then the 49ers were fucking the Ravens where they stood, then the referees fucked the 49ers where they stood. Super Bowl XLVII turned out to be one of the biggest fuckfests in history tonight as the Baltimore Ravens defeated the San Francisco 49ers 34-31. The game looked like it was going to be a blowout early in the third quarter with the Ravens up 28-6. Then the power went out in the Superdome, causing a 34 minute delay, thus fucking everyone viewing the game where they stood. That’s typical New Orleans. You know you can’t give those disgusting assholes anything nice, they’ll find some way to ruin it. After the power came back on, the momentum swung heavily in the 49ers favor as they quickly scored 17 unanswered points to bring it to within 28-23. A Baltimore field goal and a San Francisco touchdown and missed two point conversion made the score 31-29 late in the game. Then, with the Ravens leading 34-29 with only 1:50 to go, the 49ers were forced to go for it on a 4th and goal from the 5. That is when the referees completely fucked the 49ers where they stood when receiver Michael Crabtree was held in the end zone, but no call was made. The ball fell to the turf as posession and the victory went to the Ravens. It was an unpredictable evening to say the least. The most predictable moment of the evening came in the postgame celebration when the first words out of Ray Lewis’ mouth were “When God is for you, who can be against you?!” Think we all grew tired of that act, Ray. Other than that, it was a completely unpredictable night for the Super Bowl. And it was such a giant fuckfest, that we have even received word that at one point when the lights went out, former NFL quarterback and nearby Mississippi resident, Brett Favre, had sex with some lady in a Superdome bathroom
Posted on 20 January 2013 by bmar1127
Jackson, Mississippi – The fact that someone was shot in Jackson, Mississippi is not surprising, especially to those who are familiar with the crime ridden cespool of a city. However, the way the shooting took place is what stands out. It happened Saturday during a Martin Luther King Jr. parade on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive. That’s right – not only did someone get shot at a parade honoring the memory of a man who preached non violence, but it happened on a street that was named to honor the memory of a man who preached non violence. The irony here is just delicious and was not lost on anyone involved, be it Jackson residents, EMTs at the scene, the ambulance driver, or the Jackson Police Department…who are actually, in most cases, more crooked and bigger criminals than the person who did the shooting. The victim was taken to the hospital and listed in stable condition. Friends and family members expect him to be alright and say that their biggest concern is finding a card that says “Sorry a large piece of irony made of lead was fired through your chest, get well soon.” Local residents say they are sad this took place on such an occasion and that this is not what Jackson, Mississippi is all about. Actually, it is exactly what the city is all about. Bunch of fucking animals!
Posted on 16 January 2013 by bmar1127
Washington, D.C. - Earlier this morning, president Obama held a press conference to address proposed executive orders and legislation on guns. After he was done speaking and hugging children he cares nothing about, he signed the 23 executive orders. Immediately after he did so, the uproar began from rednecks everywhere who cannot bear the thought of not being able to purchase high powered firearms capable of blowing a hole through something. And why shouldn’t they be angry? It’s certainly not Obama’s business why a regular person would need such a powerful weapon. Though most of the 23 orders pertained to background checks and mental health issues, they did include proposals to reinstate and strengthen the assault weapons ban and place a 10 round limit on ammunition magazines. Only 10 rounds?! What kind of bullshit is this? What if you need to shoot something A LOT? Then what? Officials from certain states such as Mississippi and Oregon immediately sent letters urging local lawmakers to pass legislation that would make such orders from the president illegal to enforce in their states. However, a compromise is expected to be reached, as Mississippi governor Phil Bryant has since stated that he would accept orders such as the one that would ensure health insurance plans pay for mental health benefits, as long as those same plans pay for dipping tobacco.
Posted on 27 November 2012 by bmar1127
Hattiesburg, Mississippi - Earlier today, Southern Mississippi fired first year head football coach, Ellis Johnson, after the Golden Eagles finished the season 0-12. Despite being so shitty, they have reportedly already receieved interest from a very big name to become the new coach. Former NFL quarterback and Southern Miss alumn, Brett Favre, reportedly called athletic director Jeff Hammond this afternoon to inquire about the coaching vacancy. Already facing a low budget, Hammond said he thought there was no way they could afford a person with the notoriety of Favre. He was absolutely shocked when the future hall of famer then told him that he didn’t even want money for the job. Hammond reportedly sat in silence for several seconds after that, before Favre responded “just get me some of them college girls’ cell phone numbers and we’ll call it even.” The athletic director voiced his confusion, to which Favre replied “Look, it’s real simple. I coach these shit birds, get you some press, you sell some extra tickets, and then you just give me some of them sweet sweet college girls’ phone numbers.” Favre, who allegedly sent pictures of his flaccid penis to a former Jets employee 2 years ago explained further, telling Hammond “Now I know I’ve made a mistake. I mean, I should have whipped it around like a helicopter or something first. But that’s on me, alright? Now everyone thinks I got the dong of a 4th grader. That ain’t me, and these girls in Hattiesburg need to know it. So you just go through some files, get a few dozen cell phone numbers, get em to me, and I’ll coach your team. That way, you got a coach, I get to do what I love: send dick pics, and lots of girls get unwanted pictures of my embarrassingly flaccid dong sent to their phone. Everybody wins!” A visibly shaken Hammond then hung up the phone. It is unclear what happened next. The official announcement of Brett Favre as the new coach of the Southern Mississippi football team is expected within the week.
Posted on 28 October 2012 by bmar1127
Tuscaloosa, Alabama - Last week, we reported that experts were expecting a major drop in sister fucking in the states of Alabama and Mississippi during the nationally televised Alabama/Mississippi State game last night. The numbers are in and experts are finding themselves absolutely shocked by the results. As expected, the number of men banging their sisters during last night’s game fell dramatically in the state of Mississippi. The shocking part, however, is that the number actually ROSE in the state of Alabama. According to the report, Mississippi saw a 87 percent decrease during the game, while Alabama actually saw a 32 pecent increase in cases of dudes banging their sisters. In Mississippi, the large drop was actually seen due to many delusional Bulldogs fans who actually thought they had a chance of beating the Crimson Tide. On the other side, as the game went on and the Crimson Tide increased their lead, more and more men in Alabama who had previously never engaged in sexual intercourse with their sisters began asking for mouth favors from their siblings, some out of boredom and some because it’s Alabama…and you can’t expect them NOT to bang their sisters!
Posted on 25 October 2012 by bmar1127
Tuscaloosa, Alabama - Experts are predicting that the country will see a record drop in sister fucking Saturday night when Alabama and Mississippi State face off in front of a national audience on ESPN. Alabama not only ranks number 1 in the BCS, but the state ranks number 1 in the amount of men who are currently engaged in sexual relationships with their sisters. Mississippi State, ranked 11th in the BCS, comes in to this game representing the state of Mississippi, who has the third highest amount of men who bang their sisters. Sandwiched in the middle at #2 nationally is the state of Arkansas, but no one gives a shit about their football team. With Mississippi State coming into this game undefeated, their fans are foolishly optimistic that they will be able to upset the Tide – which is both sad and delusional, but you must admire their spirit. Nevertheless, this matchup will certainly draw plenty of eyes from both states – Alabama AND Mississippi, thus drawing attention AWAY from their sisters – who they would be banging under normal circumstances. If the Bulldogs were to upset the Tide Saturday, one would certainly expect to see the amount of sisters being banged rise due to celebration. However, the same is likely true for Alabama, as a win would keep their chances for a national championship rolling along. Look, it’s Mississippi and it’s Alabama, ok? You know that no matter what, plenty of brothers and sisters are having sex either way. Also expected Saturday night is that Bryant-Denny Stadium in Tuscaloosa is expected to become the second largest gathering in college football history of men who are currently banging their sisters. It will rank only behind the annual matchup of West Virginia and Marshall – which is a record that is sure to never be topped, because you know that EVERYONE involved there is fucking their sister.