Miami, Florida - Fans of both the Miami Heat and the New York Knicks have spent so much energy this week actually pretending that tonight’s matchup between the two teams matters, that they are now too tired to actually care about the game itself. Knicks fans find themselves worn out from repeating the latest batch of stupid fucking Jeremy Lin puns that ESPN has come up with and pretending that recent wins against terrible teams like the Nets, Wizards, Kings, and Raptors mean anything. A great deal of energy has also been expended on looking past this past week’s losses to the Nornets and Nets, teams with a combined 18 god damn wins. Knicks fans are not alone, however, as those in South Beach also find themselves in a similar situation. Not similar in the sense that they, like the Knicks, are fooling themselves into thinking they are actually a contender in the Eastern conference, but in the sense that they have also exhausted themselves mentally by pretending it matters that Jeremy Lin and the Knicks are coming to town. It is not their fault, however. ESPN has been telling them that it’s a big deal, and if ESPN reports it on one of their 9 consecutive Sportscenters per day, you know it’s got to be great! Tonight’s game is completely sold out, with some seats even going for a reported $9,400. Many Knicks fans who were going, however, find themselves opting to just go to bed early tonight instead, as making wildly untrue statements such as “It’s better for the NBA when New York is good,” or “The Knicks are going to make some noise in the playoffs,” and “Carmelo Anthony is not overrated” has taken it’s toll on them this week. They will, of course, be able to catch the highlights 28 times tomorrow on ESPN as it will most likely be all they talk about all day long, along with repeatedly showing player interviews, analysis, debates on the game, team comparisons, and comparisons of the players with players from other sports who have nothing to do with anything. On the other side, most Heat fans say the are still planning to attend tonight’s game, as they never miss a chance to see their team blow a team out in a game that people think is going to be entertaining.

Bristol, Connecticut – The Dallas Mavericks are the NBA champions. The Green Bay Packers are Super Bowl champions. These statements will soon be false…at least for 1 hour a day. Earlier today, ESPN announced that they will be changing things up at Sportscenter, the networks daily sports highlight show that they show repeatedly from 5 AM to 2 PM, and then on ESPNEWS from 2 PM to 5 PM (because hey, you just gotta see the highlights from an early June game between the Royals and Athletics 10 times, right?!) The changes proposed by the network will include changing the final scores of games played the previous evening on at least 1 airing of Sportscenter. But the changes do not stop there. Not only will the final score be altered, but on a minimum of one showing of Sportscenter per day, the highlights will be altered as well, to show a completely different team playing in that game. For example, this past February, the Green Bay Packers defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers to become Super Bowl Champions. Under these changes, the score could actually be reversed to tell us the Steelers won OR it could be completely changed and read that the Jacksonville Jaguars defeated the Washington Redskins to win the Super Bowl. The network is also reportedly toying with the idea of changing the stats from the games. For example: LeBron James’ struggles in the NBA finals against the Mavericks could very well not even exist for at least 1 hour a day, as the 21 points he scored in game 6 could be changed to 64 points as the show would tell us that the Heat won the NBA title by defeating the Washington Wizards. Many viewers were confused when network executives made these announcements this morning, others were intrigued. No matter what individual feelings may be, however, the general concensus remains the same…. “Why, ESPN, do you show THE SAME GOD DAMN SHOW for 9 consecutive hours EVERY day?!”

Miami, Florida – The NBA season came to a close last night as the Dallas Mavericks defeated the Miami Heat 105-95 to win the franchise’s first ever championship. Almost overshadowing the win, however, is the struggles of LeBron James in the series. He averaged just under 18 points per game in the 6 games against the Mavs – almost 9 less than he averaged the rest of the playoffs, and was virtually non existent in the 4th quarters of these games. Yet even more disappointing than that is the fact that LeBron James is still alive. In all 6 games of the series, not one person attempted to pull out a gun and shoot James while he was on the court! In all 288 minutes of basketball played, not one person got seats behind Miami’s bench so they could pull out a knife and stab him during a timeout! Even during the post game press conference when LeBron made the asshole statement that all of the people rooting for him to fail would have to wake up with the same life as they had and the same personal problems they had as he will continue to live the way he wants and do the things he wants, would have been an excellent opportunity for some reporter to stand up and say “You wont be living at all, bitch!” and then attack. But at the end of the night, no such thing had happened and the extremely arrogant basketball player with a large tattoo on his back that says CHOSEN 1 sadly left American Airlines Arena with his life still intact and only his pride injured. In sports, there is the phrase “wait til next year.” In this case, the same can be said for those who wish harm on LeBron James. So as LeBron will now have continue to hunt for his first championship ring, with any luck at all, someone out there will hunt for him.

Denver, Colorado - After months of rumors and speculation, Carmelo Anthony is now on his way out of Denver. A deal has been made that will have Anthony calling New York his home and the Knicks his team. How this came to be, however, was anything but your normal NBA trade. For the better part of a month, Anthony’s name was linked with a different team seemingly every day of the week. On Monday, he was going to the New Jersey Nets, on Tuesday, he was destined to become a Knick, then out of nowhere, on a Wednesday, there was suddenly talk that he would become a Laker. Here we are now as the smoke has cleared, the rumors are done, and the hype on one of the most overrated players to ever be discussed in trade talks is done. The foward who has led the Nuggets to 1 conference finals series in his 7 full seasons with the team, but for some reason has been talked about lately as if he’s won multiple NBA titles, will now head to basketball’s grandest stage, Madison Square Garden, to not win anything meaningful. The Knicks gave a lot in the trade, giving up Wilson Chandler, Raymond Felton, Danilo Gallinari, Timofey Mozgov, the team’s first round draft pick in 2014, and what now appears to be the most important piece of the deal, a 1992 Buick Skylark.

We are now learning that the Skylark is actually the backbone of the entire deal, as Knicks owner, James Dolan now says that if he would have offered the automobile earlier, the deal could have been done weeks ago. It seems GM Donnie Walsh told Dolan back in January that the price tag was just too high and to stand firm on the issue of the Skylark. However, just last Monday, Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov heated things up when he offered the Nuggets a 1991 Buick Regal. After this, Dolan and the Knicks saw no other choice and agreed on Denver’s demands for the Skylark. Nuggets owner, Stan Kroenke then had what he referred to as an “extremely tough” decision to make. “They’re both great vehicles” said Kroenke, “but at the end of the day, the Regal was a year older and had 16,000 more miles on it than the Skylark did, not to mention the Skylark they gave us is actually the Gran Sport model, so looking back, it’s like we stole from them! Hell of a deal!” So now all of the storylines, rumors, and distractions can come to a close and Carmelo can now join his new teammates for the rest of the season and hopefully lead them to the playoffs, where they will more than likely be the 8th seed and lose in the first round to either the Celtics or Heat

Akron, Ohio – After months of speculation, opinions, and every sports reporter on television going back and forth on what was going to happen, LeBron James finally announced which NBA team he would be leaving in 5 years. In a ridiculously over hyped, unnecessary hour long special on ESPN titled “The Decision” James announced that team would be the Miami Heat.  He began his ego driven press conference by saying “It wasn’t an easy decision having to choose between Cleveland, Chicago, New York, and Miami. I really had to ask myself which of these cities would be the best to leave in the next five to six years. I woke up this morning, and it felt like the right decision to choose Miami.” James will now join Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, who both announced they would be signing with the Heat a day earlier, but did so without having their representatives call for an hour long nationally televised special to make an announcement that actually only took about ten seconds.  When Jim Gray, the reporter interviewing James for the 60 minute special, asked him why he indeed felt he needed such a dramatic way to make his decision known, James defiantly told him “Man, I will make you disappear faster than I did in game 5 against the Celtics!” As he continued his narcissistic, self fulfilling announcement, he talked a little about his time in Cleveland, admitting that he never felt truly respected as the “King” that he is. “They never gave me a crown or jewels or anything” he said. “You ever seen a king without a crown? Damn, man, give me at least a cape, something!” When asked if he thought maybe he was taking his “King James” nickname too literally, he grew visibly angry and shouted “I know Jay Z!” He quickly calmed down and finished addressing the crowd, telling them that the next five years are going to be some of the greatest ever in the history of the NBA. The audience smiled at the statement….briefly, because James then explained exactly why he thinks the next five years will be so great… “Because we will be able to look forward to doing this again in five years. And when it comes time, I plan to make it an even more long, drawn out process. Next time, I may not even make my decision until the night before the season opener, or maybe halftime of the first game, that would be cool! There’s going to be so many options out there for me, I’m gonna have a lot to think about for the next five years.” LeBron then finished the press conference by saying what an honor it will be playing with a player like Dwyane Wade, but said he was a little less excited about playing with Chris Bosh, saying that he “looks like an alien and that freaks me out.” He also stated that he felt it was sad that throughout the free agent process, Bosh seemingly could make no decisions on his own and desperately hitched his name to either Wade or James. “But it’s all good” he said. “We’re all going to get along for the few years that I’m here, play some basketball, and maybe win a couple championships, we’ll see. That’s unimportant right now. What’s important is 2015 when I’m a free agent again.” LeBron then stood up and shook hands with Gray, and ended the session by thanking everyone in the audience and offering a special thanks to everyone in Miami, telling them “It’s always been a dream of mine to leave a team who is a contender, now thanks to you guys, I will be able to do just that!”