Baton Rouge, Louisiana - It was thrilling finish in a stadium packed with rude, obnoxious, drunk assholes and whores. Alabama, whose offense had gone cold the entire second half scored a go ahead touchdown with 51 seconds to go and defeated LSU 21-17. This ending gave LSU fans yet another reason to hate Alabama, as if this rivalry needed even more bad feelings than it has already produced. For anybody outside of the SEC region, it may be hard to grasp just how intense the dislike is between the two teams. To put it in perspective: As much as LSU fans HATE Alabama, Alabama LOVES fucking their sisters just as much, if not more. It’s well known how much men love fucking their sisters in Alabama. It’s like they can’t get enough of it. So take that same amount of love, but turn it to hate. Then you have an idea of how much LSU hates Alabama

South Bend, Indiana - It was announced this morning that Notre Dame will join the ACC in every sport except football, where they will remain an independent. The football team will, however, play 5 ACC games per year under the agreement. So get ready for that stellar fucking matchup against Duke. The agreement will give Notre Dame access to the ACC’s non BCS bowl tie ins. This was perfect news for the completely fucking delusional Irish football fans who continue to believe they matter. It’s also perfect news for fans of the ACC who are delusional and think their conference matters outside of the consisently overrated Virgina Tech and Florida State. Clemson fans will argue as well, but hey……WEST VIRGINIA! Admittedly though, Miami does have a good team….if this were 2002. Excited about the prospect of playing these teams annually, however, is the AD of Notre Dame, Jack Swarbrick. “We have monitored the changing conference landscape for many months and have concluded that moving to the ACC is the best course of action for us,” stated Swarbrick, adding that “We are able to maintain our historic independence in football, join in the ACC’s non-BCS bowl package, and provide a new and extremely competitive home for our other sports. Historic independence? Yes. And it is because of that “historic independence” that they are allowed to be the spoiled, entitled babies they are. Because they were great….IN HISTORY, THE PAST! The last 10 win season came in 2006, where they were then destroyed by LSU, a team that is actually currently relevant.” For the love of Touchdown Jesus, this program’s last national championship was so long ago, that their coach at the time is now old, wrinkled, spits when he talks, and can’t pronounce any word that has the letter S in it.

New Orleans, Louisiana - The Alabama Crimson Tide and The LSU Tigers will battle it out tonight for the second time this season. At stake tonight, however, is much more than a mid season victory, as was the case the first time these teams met in November. Tonight’s winner will hoist the crystal trophy and forever be written in the history books as national champions. As big as that moment will be, there was perhaps an even bigger moment that came just over a month ago, on December 4th when this matchup was announced. That is the moment when fans, coaches, and players of every other conference in the nation realized that they are the SEC’s bitch. At that moment, as it began to sink in that no matter who wins or loses this game, the SEC will be assured it’s sixth consecutive BCS national championship, every other conference collectively said “Well it’s official…my penis is just for show now.” With a streak that began in the 2006 season with a Florida victory, the SEC has now sent four different teams to six straight BCS championship games, with both of tonight’s participants having already won one in that span. In fact, there is even word that since two teams from the conference are participating in the game tonight, that the BCS may count tonight’s victory as two national championships for the SEC, giving them seven straight. As you can imagine, this is causing some anger among other conferences. That is to be expected, however, as it is never easy when you realize that you are someone’s bitch. The conferences that are reportedly taking the realization the hardest are the Big 10 and the Big East. Of course, no one outside of the Big East even considers them a conference, so they are irrelevant. The past three years, the Big 12 and the Pac 10 have tried to stand up to the conference, to say they refuse to take it anymore and just leave. Each time, however, the SEC has struck them violently and explained that they “got a good thing going as the conference’s bitch” and that there “aint no reason to change the way things are.” The SEC would then give the other conferences a kiss and demand their money, which was a bit odd. So while only one team will own the BCS national championship trophy at the end of the night, many teams, many conferences, will be owned by the Southeastern Conference.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana - As Monday’s BCS championship game matchup between LSU and Alabama draws closer, talk continues of their previous meeting in November, both teams’ exceptional defense, and even if this is the matchup we should have. Amongst all of this talk is one thing that we should all take a moment to remember, and that is what a complete piece of shit LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson is. The QB, who will finish his extremely mediocre career in Monday’s game, missed the team’s first four games after he was arrested in August for his role in a bar fight where he kicked a man in the face. After he KICKED A MAN IN THE FUCKING FACE, he was charged with felony second degree battery. One month later, the charges were reduced to simple battery, a misdemeanor. He was then reinstated to the team by head coach Les Miles, who would likely kick his own mother in the face if it gave him the best chance to win. Thanks to Les Miles lack of integrity, Jefferson saw his first action of the season October 1 against Kentucky. The piece of shit then continued to be rewarded for his actions of a little bitch, as he received more and more playing time, eventually “earning” his starting job back. Monday will mark the close of Jefferson’s career, which featured an unimpressive 34 touchdowns and 19 interceptions. He will then move on to the next stage in his life – working at the Taco Bell drive thru (or it could be McDonalds or KFC) because as Jefferson tells us, his options are wide open. So as anticipation builds for Monday’s game, we should obviously pay attention to the two teams’ stats, the records, the history, and the hype. But amid all of that, let’s not forget that Jordan Jefferson is one of the biggest pieces of shit in college sports today (even ahead of gigantic piece of shit Mississippi State basketball player Renardo Sidney.)

Baton Rouge, Louisiana – One of the most intensely debated topics in college football this season: Should it be Alabama or Oklahoma State getting the chance to play LSU in the BCS championship game? The answer: Alabama. The Crimson Tide were announced as the number two team in the final BCS polls and will now face the LSU Tigers in a rematch of their early November showdown. The title game will take place January 9th in New Orleans. Unfortunately, many loose ass bowls will take place before that. Here are a few that look to be especially shitty:

Wyoming vs Temple in the New Mexico Bowl

Florida International vs. Marshall in the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl

Ohio vs. Utah State in the ridiculously named Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

There are plenty more bowl games that promise to be extraordinarily loose, but we vomited just looking at them. One matchup that does look intriguing, however, is the Champs Sports Bowl featuring Notre Dame vs. Florida State. It should be noted that when we say that matchup looks intriguing, we mean if this were 1993 and not 2011. It appears that this year, one state will be more loosely represented than any other: Mississippi. The Bulldogs of Mississippi State will take on Wake Forest in the Music City Bowl in a loose ass matchup of 6-6 teams, meanwhile the Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles will play in the Hawaii Bowl. USM is actually not bad at all, but the fact that they are being sent to Hawaii to play on Christmas Eve is extremely loose for their fans. How many of them are honestly going to be able to make that trip? So as bowl season is once again upon us, as we watch completely meaningless games such as Louisiana-Lafayette vs. San Diego state in the New Orleans Bowl, let us realize that it is not that the teams or the schools are bad. It is that the people that select these bowls are clearly some of the loosest assholes ever.

Oxford, Mississippi – In what has to be a first in college football, several players from Ole Miss have actually REQUESTED that their coach, Houston Nutt, suspend them for Saturday’s game against number one ranked LSU. Word began to leak this morning that the entire offense went to Nutt’s office and pleaded wtih him to announce that they are suspended for 1 game due to “team violations.” Second string quarterback, Zack Stoudt will actually be starting the LSU game due to a suspension earlier this week of the teams regular starter, Randall Mackey. “That son of a bitch found a way to get out of it” Stoudt said of Mackey, referring to the absolute raping that they are sure to suffer at the hands of the Tigers. He continued “You think we want to play against this LSU defense?! Hell no! You’ve seen them play, right? And I assume you’ve seen our offense play as well. Well, we’re not fans of getting our heads ripped off… And I mean that literally… There is a good chance that if we go out there against THAT defense, we will actually get killed. So we called a team meeting last night for the offensive players and we all decided that if he (Mackey) can get out of this by getting suspended, then we sure as hell can too!” So far, it is not clear if Nutt will actually grant the players their requests, and if so, what the made up violations will be. One can’t help but think Nutt likely doesn’t really give a shit since the team is currently 2-8 on the season, has lost 12 consecutive SEC games, and he has already been fired effective at the end of the season. When asked if the defensive unit will also be requesting suspensions against LSU, freshman receiver, Nickolas Brassell – one of the few bright spots for the Rebels this season – responded “I don’t really care! Our defense is awful, so maybe they should play..That way, when they go out there and get killed, we can start all over! Look, the name of the team is the Tigers, that isn’t supposed to be mean I go out there and get my dick ripped off like I’m facing a REAL tiger! I didn’t sign up for that shit!”

College Station, Texas - It is now official. SEC presidents have unanimously voted to accept Texas A&M as a new member of their conference. The news comes less than a month after those same school presidents voted against accepting the Aggies. Quite a dramatic change in opinions from the presidents, but then again, shady under the table money will change a lot of minds. That’s not to say that the presidents of the SEC schools who made this decision accepted bribes, but….they did. This one move is now expected to send waves of change across the college football landscape.

What does it mean for Texas A&M?

• They will be able to step out of the shadow of the University of Texas, their most hated rival who they competed with, and lost to, many many many many times not only on the field, but in recruiting. Of course, they will now be stepping into the shadow of teams like LSU, Alabama, and Florida – teams the Aggies will now begin losing to instead of Texas.

What does it mean for the SEC?

• Having the Texas A&M name in their conference roster will help the SEC tremendously…. Wait a minute, I’m sorry, I thought we were talking about Texas. The A&M name? No, that does absolutely nothing. Nothing like having the Longhorns would do.

What does it mean for other conferences?

• The notion that college football will soon be heading to 3 or 4 “super conferences” continues to pick up steam with this move. Rumors are now floating around ,once again, that Texas and Oklahoma may now leave the Big 12 to join the Pac 12 – which would eventually move to the Pac 16. The SEC would likely then respond by expanding to 16 as well, likely followed by the Big 10.

And finally, there is one group that this move by Texas A&M will affect that no one has even mentioned – children.

How will this affect children?

• This is perhaps the most important part of this entire process. In this move, Texas A&M (whether they know it or not) are teaching children a very important lesson. Remember, this all started because Texas A&M was upset about Texas creating The Longhorn Network. The Aggies whined, cried, bitched, and moaned for over a year about how unfair it was and how the University of Texas would be at a greater advantage because of the network. This is what led to Texas A&M wanting to leave the Big 12 in the first place. They could have just created the Aggie Network, but apparently they have common sense and realized that NOBODY would buy that, so they said “we want to join the SEC” – editors note: when reading that quote, read it in a spoiled brat voice to give yourself the full affect of what Texas A&M sounds like. But in the end, the Aggies got what they wanted: membership in the SEC. And in doing so, they are actually teaching children an extremely valuable lesson they can use for the rest of their lives – BE A WHINY BITCH AND YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU WANT

Baton Rouge, Louisiana – LSU quarterback, Jordan Jefferson, was arrested earlier today on charges of 2nd degree battery for his role in a bar fight last weekend, where he is said to have kicked a man in the face. Other LSU players were involved in the fight as well, but none of them more overrated than Jefferson. The QB has, of course, been suspended indefinitely from the team, which is the least of the mediocre quarterback’s problems considering he is now facing significant jail time for the felony charge. Many LSU fans had high hopes for the senior to emerge this season as one of the best quarterbacks in the SEC despite the fact that they have had the same hopes for the past two seasons and he has only thrown for a combined 24 touchdowns and 17 interceptions. Players, coaches, and fans of LSU have stuck by him, however, and convinced themselves that he has the potential to greatly improve upon those numbers. Deep down, players and coaches know better, though the same cannot be said for most of the Tigers’ rude, obnoxious, irrational, drunken fan base.

The Tigers will now turn to senior quarterback, Jarrett Lee, whose career passing numbers include 17 touchdowns along with 18 interceptions. Though the numbers are almost as unimpressive as Jefferson’s, Lee does hold a clear advantage of being a much more intelligent and civilized human being than the over hyped, over priviledged, waste of a roster spot starter. The advantage Jefferson did have was his running ability, which is a threat that will no doubt be missed by Les Miles. The head coach, so far, does not appear too concerned, saying that he “has confidence in Jarrett Lee’s ability” while at the same time acknowledging that he “sure hopes that the charges against Jordan Jefferson will be just like his career: EXTREMELY overrated.”