Arlington, Texas - Monday night’s matchup between the Cowboys and Bears saw Tony Romo exceed even his own expectations of how terrible he could possibly be. He did so not only by throwing 5 interceptions, but also performing a couple of miracles: making a douchebag like Jay Cutler look good AND being pulled for Kyle Orton. Let that last one just sink in: He was pulled in favor of Kyle fucking Orton. Romo says he has always known he had the potential to be this terrible, and after 6 years as the Cowboys starting quarterback, he has finally reached that potential. Though many extremely foolish media members and Cowboy fans have stated that Romo was indeed a good quarterback, people with eyes that can see him play have always known better. Romo certainly didn’t make it easy on himself, setting the bar high for just how bad he could be after years of interceptions, fumbles, timely losses, and imploding teams. The fact that he has now managed to top all of that shows just how far he has come in his mediocre career. From fumbling a hold and costing the Cowboys a rare playoff game, to self destructing year after year in December when he had the chance to lead his team back to the playoffs, to tonight, Tony Romo has truly reached a mark that he never dreamed was possible. Though certainly a mark that we all knew very well that the pathetic QB was capable of reaching. It truly is proof that if you set goals for yourself, work hard, have talented receivers, tight ends, a billionare egomaniacal owner who should leave coaching to the coaches, and utterly pathetic, delusional local media and fans who for some reason think the Cowboys are still “America’s Team,”, that your dreams can come true. That is if your dreams are being a mediocre at best quarterback.

Chicago, Illinois - Wide receiver Brandon Marshall was traded yesterday from the Miami Dolphins to the Chicago Bears for two 3rd round picks. Hours later, a story broke that Marshall had allegedly punched a woman in the eye at a club in New York over the weekend. Questions then arose about whether or not this would affect the trade. Any concerns fans in Chicago had were quickly alleviated as the Bears made it perfectly clear that they are in support of hitting women and Marshall will be joining the organization. Bears general manager Phil Emery said in a statement that “both the Dolphins and Bears are aware of what occured over the weekend,” adding “we are also aware that sometimes hos need to get punched. We have decided to move forward with the trade. We have high expectations for Brandon as a Bear.” Those high expectations are due to the fact that Marshall now teams up with former teammate Jay Cutler, who was Marshall’s quarterback in Denver. During their years together with the Broncos, Marshall set career highs in receptions, receiving yards, incidents of drunken driving, disorderly conduct, and domestic violence. Bears coaches, players, and fans hope to see the same production, if not better, as he now joins the team. Among those most optimistic about Marshall’s future is running back Matt Forte, who said “Every year, we’re looking to set records, you know? Points need to be scored and sometimes women need to be punched….and Brandon Marshall can and will definitely do both.” Quarterback Jay Cutler says he is the most excited of all Chicago players, explaining that “Touchdowns need to be scored and Brandon was definitely blessed with a remarkable ability to score those touchdowns and to hit women, who are naturally weaker than him.” Cutler then added “And I like to think I was blessed with the arm to get those touchdowns to him. I was, however, not blessed with a normal looking face. In fact, it’s the opposite as you can tell, as I was clearly cursed with an extremely unfortunate looking face.”

Nashville, Tennessee - Officials at Vanderbilt University have begun rebranding themselves as the school, which traditionally focuses on academics before all else, looks to reach a broader range of potential students. The Nashville school with an enrollment of just under 13,000 will soon roll out a new campaign to attract students from all walks of life as they will be touting their university as “The brobang capital of the SEC.” Mark Dalton, chairman of the school’s board of Trust explains the move as “something that will bring in the athletes and party seekers as well as the traditional student looking for a superior education.” But why such a move for a school that, for the most part, is purely academic? According to Dalton, it is “just the way things are headed.” He explains “Kids are increasingly looking to have a good time when they come to a school. They’re looking for education, but they are also looking for an experience, for fun, and for brobangs.” A brobang, of course, is two or more males, or “bros”, have sex with one girl. The first brobang in Vanderbilt history was said to have taken place in 2004 and was orchestrated by Jay Cutler during his junior season as quarterback for the football team. They have reportedly been increasing in popularity year after year at the school. The university’s location has much to do with the brobang popularity, as the city of Nashville has begun linked to the likes of Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, just to name a couple. Cyrus being the whore that she is is said to be a “brobang all star” and has really helped the Nashville brobang reputation. The “Music City” is a destination for many tourists, given their rich history, beautiful scenery, and bustling nightlife. It is for all these reasons that officials have decided to claim themselves “the brobang capital of the SEC.” They, of course, will face an uphill battle, as it has been established for years that the University of Florida in Gainesville is the owner of that title.

Chicago, Illinois - The question had remained silent all season long: Will Brett Favre come out of retirement to play again? HAD remained silent, mind you. Because now, 11 weeks into the season, rumors have begun to spread about the gunslinger. And who is to blame for the rumors beginning? None other than the 42 year old former quarterback himself. It all began yesterday when it was announced that Chicago Bears QB, Jay Cutler, broke his thumb in the team’s game against the Chargers and could possibly be done for the rest of the season. The logical question was asked: would the Bears go after a free agent quarterback to replace Cutler? However, some asshole reporter in Chicago then felt the need to expand upon the question and ask if that free agent they go after might be Brett Favre. Reportedly, Favre, was actually watching the very station that the reporter was on as he posed the question (as he would later explain, he happened upon the channel by accident while surfing the television for softcore porn.) Favre immediately called in and answered the question directly, saying “I would love to play in Chicago. It’s such a great town..great food, great culture, lots of new women for me to send pictures of my dick to.” Of course, Favre is no stranger to Chicago, making the annual trip to the city to play the Bears for the 16 years he spent as a member of the rival Green Bay Packers. “It’s no secret that we were extremely bitter rivals, of course,” said Favre. “But what may be a secret is that I was friends with so many guys from those Bears teams. But what’s not a secret to many many many women in that city is my dong!” In fact, Favre says he estimates that he probably texted pictures of his flaccid penis to 75-80 women in the Chicago area during those trips the Packers made to Chicago. He also says another 40 or so received dong pictures via regular mail, as texting was not around during the earlier years of his career. Could he soon be sending those unwanted pictures to unsuspecting girls as a member of the Bears? We will have to wait and see. But one thing is clear: Favre dong watch 2011 is officially on. And if it were to indeed happen, Favre said he learned his lesson from last year and that he knows now that he needs to “at least swing it around in the air a little bit, kind of like a helicopter, so that it will appear a little bit bigger when I send it.”

Chicago, Illinois – A fake MRI was conducted on Jay Cutler’s knee today and has revealed that the quarterback has a fake torn MCL. A fabricated report was made after the test that never actually happened revealed that Cutler tore the medial collateral ligament in his left knee in his terrible performance yesterday in the NFC championship game against the Green Bay Packers. The fake doctors who did not perform the test have yet to announce the severity of the tear, but will make that part up later today. This breaking news, of course, will be shown on all ESPN channels and labeled as “breaking news for the next 5 to 6 hours as the network for some reason always does. Seriously, how long can news possibly be considered “breaking”?

Chicago, Illinois - Although it was third string QB, Caleb Hanie, who threw a game ending interception with less than a minute to go yesterday, the Chicago Bears and the NFL have announced that Jay Cutler will be credited with the pick. After faking an injury, Cutler left the game early in the third quarter, giving way to backup, Todd Collins. After not completing a pass on four attempts, Collins was pulled in favor of Hanie, a third year QB out of Colorado State, that most people likely did not even know about until yesterday. As Cutler STOOD on the sidelines with a supposed knee injury, not sat, not kept the knee elevated, but STOOD, Hanie completed 13 of 20 passes and led the Bears on two scoring drives. The comeback would then fall just short as Hanie’s last pass of the day was intercepted by Sam Shields with 37 seconds left. Now, less than 24 hours later, the league has announced that they have decided that the interception was actually not thrown by Hanie, but by Cutler. NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell, made the announcement, stating that Cutler’s final numbers will still show he was 8 of 14, as he was when he left in the third quarter, but will also show that he threw 2 interceptions instead of the 1 he had upon his early exit. When asked why the decision was made, Goodell responded “Just look at the guy, look at his face and tell me he doesn’t deserve to have everything negative happen to him! Besides, given Jay Cutler’s history, do you really believe that if he stayed in, he wouldn’t have thrown that interception anyway?!” Despite Cutler’s extremely douche bag face, his arrogance, his undeserved sense of accomplishment, and the fact that he faked an injury simply so he wouldn’t have to keep playing at his usually pathetic level, teammates and his head coach have come to his defense. Linebacker, Brian Urlacher has said that Cutler is “one of the toughest guys on our team” while safety Chris Harris told ESPN that “He plays with diabetes everyday, so if that’s not tough, I don’t know what is.” A fake MRI has been scheduled for early Monday morning and a fabricated result will most likely be given then. Whatever the result, many Bears fans, along wtih most other football fans in the world are thinking the same thing at this time….”I sure hope that diabetes gets the best of Jay Cutler sooner rather than later.”

Washington, D.C. - The Federal Communications Commission, or the FCC, the group of out of touch people who are responsible for deciding what is best for the rest of us when it comes to what we see and hear on the radio and television, is at it again. For quite some time now, tv networks, radio stations, and especially the personalities on those radio stations have lived in fear of the FCC and their list of phrases and words that are not allowed to be said. The beauty is nobody has ever been 100 percent clear on what that list contains, and the FCC has done little to clarify, yet they ceratainly have been quick to fine those who uttered any of the words on their mythical list. The latest victim of these fines: well known ESPN personality Chris Berman, the host of NFL Sunday Countdown. It happened early this morning when Berman was talking about the Atlanta Falcons last minute victory over the Baltimore Ravens Thursday night. “The Falcons, a thilling come from behind victory over the Ravens Thursday on the NFL Network.” That was the prhase that earned him the fine. Julius Genachowski, the chairman of the FCC, stated that Mr. Berman was fined because the phrase “come from behind victory sounds like he is promoting rape or some sort of sexual assault.” Fines have also been levied against other broadcasters this week. ESPN College Gameday host, Kirk Herbstreit has been fined for his comments during the show yesterday when referring to Oregon Ducks head football coach Chip Kelly when he said “Coach Kelly has a good looking package he has put together at that school.” It also appears that the FCC is working retroactively because they also penalized announcers for comments they have made earlier in the season. The following is a list of those who have been fined and the phrases they have been fined for this season:

NBC commentator Al Michaels – “It’s amazing how many balls Braylon Edwards has had in his hands and dropped tonight”

ESPN Sunday Countdown co host Mike Ditka – “Look at this tremendous penetration by Ray Lewis”

NFL on CBS co host Dan Marino – “Jay Cutler went down hard on that sack and he’s hurt”

NBC analyst Chris Collinsworth – “I love penis, lots and lots of other mens’ penises”

So, as you can see, the FCC is once again overreacting over phrases we hear every week during football broadcasts…..well, except for Chris Collinsworth, but what else do you expect from that guy, he’s just telling the truth about his personal life. So it appears that this group of indiiduals who for some reason think they know what’s best for us, better than we know what’s best for ourselves, are enforcing rules stricter than ever before. Why? No one knows. Maybe it’s because they need to feel more important than they really are, maybe they need to feel powerful because they are miserable people. Whatever the reason, members of broadcast media need to be on their toes, especially those in radio, because the FCC has also announced they will heavily fine any station who plays the band Hinder…..the first move by the FCC that has ever made perfect sense, that band is terrible