Kansas City, Missouri – Andrew Luck has set an NFL record for most passing yards in a single season by a ManBearPig. Luck set the record with a 23 yard pass late in the second quarter. It is also the most passing yards in a season by a rookie QB, a mark that was previously set just last year by Cam Newton. This should come as no surprise, however, since “experts” and assholes at places like ESPN basically wanted to put Luck in the NFL hall of fame when he was a sophomore at Stanford. Despite his unfortunate facial features, which closely resemble that of a ManBearPig, the QB has found success in the NFL this year and completely turned around the Indianapolis Colts. Some in the NFL, however, resent that success, claiming that Luck has an advantage considering that he is a hybrid of a man, pig, and a bear, and may therefore posses above average strength. Advantage or not, it is certainly refreshing to see someone take a record away from a piece of shit who does Superman poses when down by three touchdowns, blames other players and coaches, and acts like a child after losses

New York City - After months and months of having Andrew Luck shoved down our throats by people like the assholes at ESPN, the former Stanford quarterback was finally taken first overall by the Indianapolis Colts tonight. The unfortunate looking Luck becomes the first manbearpig ever to be taken in the NFL draft. It was just discovered at the combine earlier this year that Luck was indeed a manbearpig, as it was previously thought that he just had an incredibly unfortunate looking face. Being the first MBP could put even more pressure on Luck as he is already expected to be a hall of fame type quarterback according to jackasses like Mark Schlereth, Mel Kiper, Merril Hoge, and others at the increasingly lame ESPN, who make statements like “Luck is going to be a franchise quarterback in the NFL for the next 10-12 years” as if it’s not even an opinion, but fact. Really? That good for that long, huh? Guess what takes care of that……one shot to the knee. So maybe you should back off such statements. To Luck’s credit, he has seemingly not bought into all of this pathetically ridiculous and unending hype that ESPN has crammed down our throats since the kid was a sophomore in college. He seems to remain humble throughout, saying only that he is “thankful for the opportunity” and that “can’t wait to get that first NFL paycheck so I can do something about this unfortunate face of mine.”

Denver, Colorado - The months of waiting and wondering where Peyton Manning would play next season are over. After being courted by about half the teams in the NFL, Manning had narrowed his choices down to three this past week. Those choices were the Tennessee Titans, Denver Broncos, and the San Francisco 49ers. The winner: The Denver Broncos. The superstar QB and team executives are currently finalizing the terms of the deal and both sides are said to be extremely excited about this news. But why the Broncos? While we await the official details of what all led to his final decision, we do know that Peyton is a big fan of the horse’s face on the side of the Broncos helmet. He is also a huge fan of John Elway, who has a face that looks very much like a horse. Elway, who is a former Broncos QB and current executive vice president of the team, played a large part in landing Manning. The two also had a lot in common, as Manning used to play for the Colts while Elway is a egotistical jackass who was drafted by the Colts but refused to play for them, forcing a trade to the Broncos. Manning worked out for the team this past weekend and had dinner with Elway on a couple of seperate occasions. Though Manning thought it odd when he ordered a steak at the restaurant and Elway opted instead for oats and hay. Apparently, Elway’s face over the years has begun looking more and more horse-like, to the point where he has taken on other characteristics of the animal. The unforunate appearing Elway, who still fools himself into believing that he was a better quarterback than Joe Montana, will now trade Broncos QB Tim Tebow, according to reports, which is what the arrogant prick wanted to do all along. It had been reported that every time he looked in the mirror, John Elway thought two things: “Tebow isn’t me, he’s got to go” and “Jesus Christ, my face looks like a horse with downs syndrome!” Elway’s unfortunate facial characteristics aside, Ridicularity.com wishes the best of luck to Peyton Manning as he begins his new life as a Denver Bronco.

Indianapolis, Indiana - Peyton Manning and Jim Irsay held a joint news conference earlier this afternoon to officially announce that Manning and the Colts would be parting ways after 14 seasons. After months of speculation about what the future would be for Manning, it was announced yesterday that he would not be returning to play in Indianapolis next season. What complicated the decision was the fact that if Manning were still on the Colts roster tomorrow, he would be owed $28 million by the team. Manning was gracious at his news conference, thanking the Colts organization, the players, and the fans, and said he was honored to have been the quarterback for the Colts. He appeared on the verge of tears for much of the news conference, but remained calm. He explained how he had been a Colt for most of his adult life, but understood that “nothing lasts forever.” He thanked Jim Irsay for all the support the owner has given him since drafting him in 1998. Manning closed his news conference by looking at Irsay and saying “There are two things I still do VERY well – throw a football and fuck people where they stand – and you’re about to see me do both of them!” The press conference then ended abruptly and with no word on what exactly transpired next.

Indianapolis, Indiana - Now that the Peyton Manning/Indianapolis Colts saga is over, the quarterback is free to pursue other options. Many think those options include the Dolphins, Redskins, or possibly the New York Jets. Peyton, however, is reportedly considering another option – hardcore gay pornography. The veteran QB has apparently already received numerous offers in the few hours since the story broke that he and the Colts would be parting ways. Manning’s agent, Tom Condon, has confirmed that he has several finished scripts sitting on his desk that have been written specifically for his client. Condon explains that he really did not know what kind of scripts they were until he opened them, but found what he saw to be very unsettling. What he saw were pages and pages of dialogue from yet to be filmed movies titled “Man on Manning,” “Taking One FROM The Team,” and “Hot Route-Backdoor Up The Middle: The Erotic Career Of Peyton Manning” just to name a few. Manning has made no public comments and will not do so until a press conference tomorrow afternoon. Sources say he is carefully weighing all of his options, including a journey into gay pornography if he so desires, if for nothing else than to make Colts owner Jim Irsay extremely uncomfortable. Just look at that asshole. You can tell he’s the type of guy that likes to have a few drinks and start making hate filled homophobic comments..probably racial slurs too!

Bristol, Connecticut - Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck played his last college football game last night as his Stanford Cardinal lost to Oklahoma State in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl. Luck will now take the next step in his career and enter the NFL draft. He is expected to be the number 1 pick in April, a pick that belongs to the Indianapolis Colts. However, it is now being discussed that once Luck is drafted, he will not actually have to play in the NFL, but rather immediately be inducted into the pro football hall of fame in Canton, Ohio. This according to ESPN draft expert with ridiculously terrible hair, Mel Kiper. The same is being said about Luck’s future by Todd McShay, Kirk Herbstreit, John Clayton, Trey Wingo, and every other football analyst at ESPN who have been telling us for over a year now that Luck will be a “franchise quarterback” and play for the next “12-15 years.” These future tellers have talked seemingly non stop on the 13 hours of the same Sportscenter that the station shows daily, as if it were fact, about how great Andrew Luck will be, all but guaranteeing a lengthy, extremely productive pro career that will rival that of Peyton Manning. And now, according to these same men (who must be the best psychics in the world), the quarterback should and will be eligible to forego his NFL career and instead immediately be enshrined in the pro football hall of fame. Mel Kiper and his abortion of a hair style is also reporting that Luck will not be subject to the five year eligibility period that pros have to wait for after retirement to join the hall of fame and will instead be enshrined the moment he is taken in the NFL draft on April 26th. ESPN will continue to tell us how great he is during the time he is not playing in the NFL and they will continue to do so nonstop. Their plan is to piece together clips of some of the greatest moments from the careers of Brett Favre, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Steve Young, and Joe Montana, but superimpose Luck’s head on their bodies to make it appear that these are highlights from games he actually played in.

Breaking news in to us as this piece was being prepared: Andrew Luck will also be given the same salary he would have earned if he were the top performing quarterback in the NFL consistently every season for 15 years – you know, the way the ESPN personalities tell us 35 times a day will happen.