Oxford, Mississippi – In what has to be a first in college football, several players from Ole Miss have actually REQUESTED that their coach, Houston Nutt, suspend them for Saturday’s game against number one ranked LSU. Word began to leak this morning that the entire offense went to Nutt’s office and pleaded wtih him to announce that they are suspended for 1 game due to “team violations.” Second string quarterback, Zack Stoudt will actually be starting the LSU game due to a suspension earlier this week of the teams regular starter, Randall Mackey. “That son of a bitch found a way to get out of it” Stoudt said of Mackey, referring to the absolute raping that they are sure to suffer at the hands of the Tigers. He continued “You think we want to play against this LSU defense?! Hell no! You’ve seen them play, right? And I assume you’ve seen our offense play as well. Well, we’re not fans of getting our heads ripped off… And I mean that literally… There is a good chance that if we go out there against THAT defense, we will actually get killed. So we called a team meeting last night for the offensive players and we all decided that if he (Mackey) can get out of this by getting suspended, then we sure as hell can too!” So far, it is not clear if Nutt will actually grant the players their requests, and if so, what the made up violations will be. One can’t help but think Nutt likely doesn’t really give a shit since the team is currently 2-8 on the season, has lost 12 consecutive SEC games, and he has already been fired effective at the end of the season. When asked if the defensive unit will also be requesting suspensions against LSU, freshman receiver, Nickolas Brassell – one of the few bright spots for the Rebels this season – responded “I don’t really care! Our defense is awful, so maybe they should play..That way, when they go out there and get killed, we can start all over! Look, the name of the team is the Tigers, that isn’t supposed to be mean I go out there and get my dick ripped off like I’m facing a REAL tiger! I didn’t sign up for that shit!”

Oxford, Mississippi – After four years with the team, Ole Miss head football coach, Houston Nutt, has been fired. Of course, reports tell us he will resign, but that’s just talk for the morons that will believe it. He will, however, coach the last three meaningless games Ole Miss has remaining on their schedule this season (one of which will be a raping by LSU.) Nutt came to Ole Miss in late 2007 after coaching for 10 years at the University of Arkansas. His first 2 seasons in Oxford produced back to back Cotton Bowl wins for the Rebels/Black Bears/Whatever the fuck they are now, but in the last two seasons his team is a combined 2-15, including twelve consecutive losses in the SEC. The downfall began last season when the team lost the season opener to Jacksonville State and seemingly never recovered. It was a downward spiral that none of the over-priviledged, rich, snobby supporters of the school saw coming, as many of them over the off season had delusional thoughts of an SEC championship run. However, the Ole Miss students and alumni did not get the chance to drive their BMWs that their fathers bought them to Atlanta for an SEC title game, as they instead finished the season 4-8. It was certainly a blow to the fan base with such expectations, for no SEC title game and no bowl game meant one less game that they would get to put on their polos, pop their collars, and cheer for their Rebels in between conversations about which model BMW their father was about to buy them. One less game for the girls to wear their dresses and guys to put on their khaki pants and ties and pretend that is the ONLY attire one should wear to a football game and if you’re wearing anything else, you should just kill yourself. This season has been equally disappointing for the stuck up fan base, as the team has won only 2 of their first 9 games, giving them little reason to yell “Hotty Toddy”, which serves both as an Ole Miss cheer AND as the perfect way of showing that you are a complete asshole. The Ole Miss football team was the perfect place for assholes with Houston Nutt in charge, as it didn’t matter if you did things like steal a dead girl’s credit card and use it. If you could play football, Nutt wanted you, because as the coach who might as well be a car salesman said, he was in “the people helping business.”

Do not feel bad for Houston Nutt, however. Ole Miss must now pay him a reported $6 million dollars to buy out the remainder of his contract. With him goes the school Athletic Director, Pete Boone, who says he step down by the end of 2012 – And by step down, he means being run off because he is just an awful athletic director and more than likely, an awful person.

Oxford, Mississippi – After three laughable quarterback performances to open the season, Ole Miss head coach, Houston Nutt, announced this morning that there will be a new player starting at the position next week as the team takes on the Georgia Bulldogs. “We’ll be starting a plumber next week at QB, everybody” Nutt said as he opened his press conference. “He’s been with us for a while now. He hasn’t played in a pretty long time, but it can’t get much worse than the assholes we got out there now.” The announcement left fans scratching their heads as they searched through their media guides for anyone with the last name Plumber currently on the roster. This player, however, will not be found in any media guide as, until the moment of Nutt’s press conference, this person was not even a player. Nutt did not actually mean a man by the name of Plumber, he meant that the Rebels..or blackbears…or whatever the hell they call themselves… are actually playing a plumber who has often fixed toilets and sinks at the school. The man’s name is Fred Davis and has been a plumber in the Oxford area for over eight years. “I think this is a good move for this team” said Nutt. Fred’s got a lot of experience at flushing turds down the drain, and you look at our current quarterbacks…Barry Brunetti, Zack Stoudt, Randall Mackey…bunch of turds that need flushing. This is going to be a positive for this team to help us build on the rest of the season.” The immediate reaction of the fans appeared to be panic upon the announcement of the new quarterback who is not actually a quarterback. After a little investigating, however, it appears Davis actually does have experience at the position, as he quarterbacked his 7th grade team to state runner up in 1998, just before he dropped out of junior high school….however, he has not thrown a football since that time. He then received his GED on his fourth try in 2003 then learned his current trade as a plumber. Although expectations will certainly not be very high, Davis admitted that he will still feel pressure to perform well for the Rebels. As well he should, as for the last 7 years, the Rebels (sorry, Blackbears) have treated their quarterbacks like they were going to be the second coming of Jesus Christ, i.e. Brent Shaeffer, Jevan Snead, and Jeremiah Masoli. And in an ironic twist, all of these men will soon be looking to the new Rebels QB for training on how to be a plumber, as that is how well their football “careers” have worked out for them. But Fred Davis is not looking at the past, he focuses now on the future and this week against Georgia, because as he tells us, “I know how I have to perform this week. I must be flawless, because I know this opportunity could be gone just as fast as it came….seriously, I know that because word is that coach Nutt already has his eye on a local pizza delivery guy to come in and take some snaps next week.”

Pearl, Mississippi – Yesterday was national signing day in the world of college football. A day that provides both hope and disappointment for coaches, bragging rights and shame for fans, and the start of an adventure, an education, and hopefully a career for the athletes (except for the kids who ruin their lives by signing with West Virginia.) Most of the nation’s highest rated recruits signed their letters of intent yesterday, a few, however, will wait to make their decisions. For example, defensive end, Jadeveon Clowney, out of Rock Hill, South Carolina, widely regarded as the top high school recruit in the nation, will wait to make his announcement.. He will choose between South Carolina, Clemson, Alabama, and North Carolina. That choice will be made and announced on February 14, Clowney’s birthday, as if anyone, especially his future college coach cares at all when his birthday is. Waiting until after signing day  to make an announcement has become common among very highly rated recruits as of late. The reasoning is simple… Players like Clowney, who are jackasses and already becoming arrogant little pricks at the age of 17 and 18 want their extra 15 minutes of fame. No matter what school he chooses, chances are that school will rise in the final national recruiting rankings for this year. Those rankings certainly differ depending on which recruting service you look at. While one has Alabama as the number 1 rated class from yesterday, another has Florida State, yet another has Auburn. It is all an inexact science when it comes to these ratings. It can also be said that it is an inexact science when it comes to choosing a school for some of these players. Some choices are downright confusing. For example, a fairly highly rated defensive end, Leon Mackey from Mississippi, who was thought to be making a final choice between 3 SEC schools, suprised everyone yesterday morning by making a terrible life decision and signing with Texas Tech. Then there is running back, Malcolm Brown from the state of Texas, rated by many as the top running back prospect in the nation. He signed with the Texas Longhorns yesterday in an extremely questionable life decision. The choice made it clear that he did not pay attention to the Longhorns’ offensive gameplan, because they do not run the ball a ton, and when they do, it’s just awful. But despite their decisions, you can’t fault these athletes….unless they sign with West Virginia, or any school in the Big East, for that matter (therefore acknowledging you have given up.) It is their day and they have fun, fans have fun watching it all unfold, and certain coaches have fun selling their recruits more garbage than a used car salesman (i.e. Houston Nutt) But the day rarely teaches us anything, as we need to wait to see how these players develop and what type of impact they can make for their teams 2 or 3 years from now. The only thing we did learn about signing day 2011 is that if you are going to trust 1 recruiting service out there, trust the new kid on the block, Ridicularity.com. Our #1 recruting class for 2011…. Florida Athlantic – Sure, they only signed 10 players. No five stars, no four stars, but they proved they are truly committed to doing something that is very difficult….building nothing out of something.

 Oxford, Mississippi – The Ole Miss Rebels football team took a hit yesterday when the latest quarterback they’ve propped up as their savior was ruled ineligible by the NCAA. Former Oregon QB Jeremiah Masoli, who transferred to Ole Miss when he was kicked off of the team at Oregon was denied a request for a waiver from the rule that a player must sit out one season if transferring from one FBS school to another. Ole Miss athletic director, Pete Boone, said the ruling was “subjective” and that the school plans to appeal…..for some reason. Head coach Houston Nutt spoke about the ruling at a press conference yesterday, saying that he wants to plead with the subcommittee. “Jeremiah has done everything he’s supposed to do”, Nutt said, “you know, besides robbing people and being pulled over with weed a month later. We are in the people helping business” Nutt said in a moment where it was not quite clear if he realized how phony and lame that statement sounded. “There’s no question in my mind Jeremiah is in the right place” Nutt then said, noting that since the quarterback arrived at Ole Miss, coaches have worked on his footwork so he could be able to run away from police, his endurance in case he needs to run a long distance to escape them, and his arm strength so if and when he has the desire to assault someone, he can do so. Jeremiah Masoli then spoke briefly, stating “I’m just shocked and disappointed, I’ve done everything I can to follow the rules.” However, he could barely get the word rules out before breaking into laughter. After which he said “Man, I couldn’t keep a straight face on that one, could I? But I still have faith, I just hope the NCAA will find it in their hearts to do the right thing.” He then whispered “They already did the right thing” so the coaches would not hear him. Athletic director Pete Boone then took to the podium. “As you know, at Ole Miss, we view our quarterbacks as saviors. Eli Manning was our God, then as Brent Schaeffer came in, we thought he was going to be kind of like our own Jesus, ya know? But that didn’t work out very well. Then we put all our faith in Jevan Snead, that he was going to deliver us to an SEC title, win a heisman, and look what how that shit turned out! But then along came Jeremiah Masoli, crucified at the University of Oregon but then rising again here in Oxford, but fear not, he will rise again! Hotty Toddy!” As Boone then exited the stage, many reporters in the crowd seemed confused and extremely uncomfortable that he had just used so many religious comparisons, with one female reporter even crying over what she had just heard. Ole Miss officials are now hoping those tears of confusion and fright will become tears of joy, as they expect to learn the NCAA’s response to their appeal by the end of next week.