Oakland, California - The Oakland Raiders have hired Dennis Allen as their new head coach, proving the organization’s ability to make terrible decisions did not die with Al Davis. Allen joins the team from the Denver Broncos where he served as defensive coordinator for the past season. Prior to that, he spent time as an assistant with the Saints and Falcons. He will be the Raiders seventh head coach in the past ten years, a span that included such failures as Bill Callahan, Art Shell, and Tom Cable. Allen’s hire comes two weeks after the firing of Hue Jackson, the only coach the Raiders have shown promise under since 2002. But the NFL is not about promise and bringing back an abortion of a franchise. It is about signing as many terrible coaches and players as possible, according to the Oakland Raiders. Today is undoubtedly one of the proudest days for Dennis Allen, as he becomes a head coach for the first time. He will always be able to look back at this day and smile, something that will help him in less than three years when he is fired as head coach of the Oakland Raiders

Oxford, Mississippi – After four years with the team, Ole Miss head football coach, Houston Nutt, has been fired. Of course, reports tell us he will resign, but that’s just talk for the morons that will believe it. He will, however, coach the last three meaningless games Ole Miss has remaining on their schedule this season (one of which will be a raping by LSU.) Nutt came to Ole Miss in late 2007 after coaching for 10 years at the University of Arkansas. His first 2 seasons in Oxford produced back to back Cotton Bowl wins for the Rebels/Black Bears/Whatever the fuck they are now, but in the last two seasons his team is a combined 2-15, including twelve consecutive losses in the SEC. The downfall began last season when the team lost the season opener to Jacksonville State and seemingly never recovered. It was a downward spiral that none of the over-priviledged, rich, snobby supporters of the school saw coming, as many of them over the off season had delusional thoughts of an SEC championship run. However, the Ole Miss students and alumni did not get the chance to drive their BMWs that their fathers bought them to Atlanta for an SEC title game, as they instead finished the season 4-8. It was certainly a blow to the fan base with such expectations, for no SEC title game and no bowl game meant one less game that they would get to put on their polos, pop their collars, and cheer for their Rebels in between conversations about which model BMW their father was about to buy them. One less game for the girls to wear their dresses and guys to put on their khaki pants and ties and pretend that is the ONLY attire one should wear to a football game and if you’re wearing anything else, you should just kill yourself. This season has been equally disappointing for the stuck up fan base, as the team has won only 2 of their first 9 games, giving them little reason to yell “Hotty Toddy”, which serves both as an Ole Miss cheer AND as the perfect way of showing that you are a complete asshole. The Ole Miss football team was the perfect place for assholes with Houston Nutt in charge, as it didn’t matter if you did things like steal a dead girl’s credit card and use it. If you could play football, Nutt wanted you, because as the coach who might as well be a car salesman said, he was in “the people helping business.”

Do not feel bad for Houston Nutt, however. Ole Miss must now pay him a reported $6 million dollars to buy out the remainder of his contract. With him goes the school Athletic Director, Pete Boone, who says he step down by the end of 2012 – And by step down, he means being run off because he is just an awful athletic director and more than likely, an awful person.