Los Angeles, California – A new name has surfaced at the top of the list of people who need to be fucked where they stand. 24 year old Kyle Bangayan now tops the list after news has been released of facebook posts he made regarding the shooting at Sandy Hook elementary school last month. Bangayan, who, deserves to get fucked where he stands based on his picture alone, posted on Facebook, “No really America, if you post one more Facebook post about the shooting at that elementary school, I swear to whatever fucking god you believe in that I will do the same god damn thing.” The fuck face went on to post, “I have the guns, I have the incentive, and I won’t commit suicide at the end, I’ll just go to the next fucking school and the next and the next. So I woke up this morning and said to myself … Dang you know [what] would be really awesome right now … some dead kindergarteners … and Christmas early.” After his posts were reported to the LAPD, police arrived at his home and searched the virgin lair that is his room. In it, police reportedly found handguns, rifles, and a shotgun. After being arrested, he was let go a short time later and the D.A. said there would be no charges because the threats were not specific enough. Apparently it is completely acceptable to detail how you are going to kill schools and schools of kindergartners. Please remember, this individual is now at the top of the list of people who need to get fucked where they stand. Therefore, if you see him, please use whatever means necessary to do so – fists, a baseball bat, knife, whatever is around. Shit, even a nice rock will do. Memorize the fuck face picture above to assist you. We’re still not sure why he’s holding a doll, but if he’s holding that when you see him, fuck that doll up too.

Troy, Michigan - Every year, there seems to be a new weight loss product that promises fantastic results and 2011 was no different. Well, it was a little different. Because while we did see one such product, we have never seen the people who sell these types of products be so relentlessly annoying. That is until the Body By Vi program from Visalus! Seemingly every asshole on Facebook was selling Body By Vi this year. Chances are that your Facebook timeline was clogged almost daily with statements like “Take the Body By Vi Challenge” or “Join The Challenge” or “I challenge you not to hit me in the head with a fucking tack hammer after I post this 10 times a day every day.” Body By Vi is unique because it actually seems to work. There are numerous stories of weight loss from people who use this product. You drink two shakes a day as meals, eat sensibly at dinner, and the pounds will come off. Another way to make the pounds come off is by ANY OTHER DIET WHERE YOU DRINK YOUR MEALS!!! Of course you’re going to lose weight if you simply drink something instead of feeding your fat face with french fries! And here’s the best part – You can do it for a shit load less money than Body By Vi! Another common thing you probably saw from the hundreds of posts trying to get you to buy or or begin selling this ridiculous product was “I can get a BMW and so can you.” These poor wretched souls have been told they will be given a monthly allowance for payment on a BMW once they reach a certain level – which is actually true. However, these miserable beasts do not seem to realize that if they ever stop selling, that car will be gone (much like their dignity was long ago when they began shamelessly pushing this product in our face 27 times a day.) So if your goals are to lose weight, throw extra money away, annoy your friends and family, and earn a new BMW (which will actually come in handy when you have to start buying boxes of the product because none of your clients are buying anymore, because you can live in the BMW when you’ve lost your house.) So if this all sounds good to you AND you enjoy being part of a pyramid scheme that you swear is not a pyramid scheme, then become a salesperson for Body By Vi, the 2011 Ridicularity.com story of the year!

Palo Alto, California – As if the United States was not already facing enough problems, a new one has presented itself seemingly out of nowhere. For a country already facing a poor economy, high unemployment rates, a weak housing market, rising gas prices, and an generally everything else that can ever go wrong with a country, comes a new crisis that could have dire consequences: The new layout of Facebook. It is a problem that has millions of American citizens in a panic. The worst part is this latest crisis was not a slow building one like the economy. This new layout came crashing down on us seemingly all at once. There actually was warning of this move, but it was merely days ahead of time, and even after reading it, no one could have predicted the possibly catastrophic impact it would have on our great nation. Users now have to click on an extra tab to update their status, the way you view friends’s status is slightly modified, lists have appeared to where users can add people depending on if they live in the same hometown or attended the same high school, etc. How dare the people at Facebook do this! What gives them the right to make these minor changes to a service that is offered free to the public?! Should we as Americans be forced to put up with such extremely minor inconveniences?! You can bet that all of these questions will be asked of all the upcoming presidential candidates and with election season rapidly approaching, they better be prepared with some serious solutions. Rumors are that Texas governor, Rick Perry, has already drawn up a 32 step plan to reduce this new Facebook layout by 40 percent in the next 7 years. President Barack Obama has called a special news conference for tomorrow night where he will address the nation and reveal his plan of attack against this potentially crippling new problem that America faces. So far it appears that it is a problem that most Americans, be it rich, poor, Republican, or Democrat, are united about. For once, there are no politics or religion involved in this one. There are no concerns of the aforementioned poor economy, high unemployment rates, weak housing market, rising gas prices, and issues of parents struggling to provide for their children. This is about something much more than all of that! This is about Facebook moderately changing something and forcing us to take up to 6 minutes to get used to it! America appears to be standing up together, as one, and proudly showing that if you mess with one of our Facebook layouts, then you mess with all of our Facebook layouts! The United States may be down lately, but we are definitely not out. When we have a message, it will still be heard clearly by the rest of the world, and that message is that we have sacrificed enough and that we may be poor, we may be starving, we may not be able to afford gas, clothing, or mortgages, but when it comes to our Facebook layout, we will NOT sacrifice that!

New York, New York - A new study from the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University says that the use of social networking sites could lead to teenagers drinking and using drugs. Joseph Califano, of the CASA, says that the reasoning behind the findings is that teenagers are seeing pictures on sites like Facebook and Twitter of other kids drunk, passed out, and doing drugs. He says that seeing these images repeatedly will eventually take the shock value out of things that should be shocking to kids, thus making it seem acceptable to them. Harsh Trivedi, a doctor at Vanderbilt’s psychiatric hospital, agrees, explaining “You look to your peer group really as a way to figure out what’s normal, what’s abnormal, and the more that you see these images, it just becomes more so what’s normal in other kids your age.” The study also shows that children who visit sites like Facebook and Twitter every day are more likely to smoke, drink, and use drugs than kids whose friendships are exclusively offline.

An even newer study, which was conducted by the Center for Common Sense, has found that if you agree with the results of the study, then you are a complete fucking moron. The CCS also concluded that if you believe the theory that a website like Facebook or Twitter is going to make a kid use drugs, then you should just give up on life, as you clearly have no business among the living. It also recommends that any parents who read the findings of the study and believe them to be true should immediately put their children up for adoption or let them go live with family members, as you are clearly mentally unfit to raise a child.

So as the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse has no doubt already sent parents into a panic trying to restrict, regulate, and completely block social netwoking sites from their children’s computers, we suggest you just use a little bit of COMMON FUCKING SENSE! Perhaps talk to your kids about drinking and drug use. We know it’s a novel fucking concept actually talking to your own children, but just for the hell of it, give it a try. That is, of course, unless your goal is to have your kid end up a maladjusted freak who starts a shitty rock band like Slipknot, Mudvayne, Three Days Grace, etc., and constantly writes about how much they hate the world because daddy wasn’t there for them….. Hey, we all have different dreams for our kids, right?

London, England - After years of research, some of the world’s top scientists and mathematicians gathered in London last week to announce that the statistical probability of your baby being the smartest or cutest baby in the world is extremely low. They also announced that the chance that they are the smartest AND cutest is almost non existent. The announcement comes after an exhaustive two and a half year study conducted by representatives of the scientific and mathematic community in Sweden, Japan, China, England, and America, respectively. Their findings showed that despite what you believe, your child  is not the cutest child in the world and you should immediately stop telling people that, especially since the studies show that there is a 99 percent chance that the person you are saying it to also thinks their child is the cutest in the world. The findings went even further to state that you should stop entering your 6 month old child in online beauty contests and begging people on social networking sites such as Facebook to vote for them. Reportedly, there is a 62 percent chance that children who are entered in beauty pageants, whether they be online or physical, will develop some sort of complex as they get older. The study did not stop there, however, as the representatives also concluded that the chance of your baby being the smartest in the world is just as small. After a hypothesis introduced by the representative from Sweden that you should stop thinking your child is a genius simply because they can push a button on the television remote control or open an app on an iPad, which takes nothing more that putting your finger in a random spot on the device, the conclusion was that you should get out of your fantasy world you are apparently livng in. Another popular belief that your child is the both the smartest AND the cutest in the world was also proven to be a myth. The team’s findings showed that there is an indesputable 100 percent chance that your baby is indeed the cutest AND smartest in the world. Results also showed that you should stop posting multiple pictures of your baby on Facebook every single day, especially when he or she is doing absolutely nothing at all but sitting there as you attach a caption to the photo attempting to make it seem like it is something remarkable that is happening. The final results on this showed that there is a 100 percent chance of nobody caring about these pictures that you repeatedly post and that the likelihood of you misspellng something in the caption you write for the photo is 92 percent.

Palo Alto, California – It was announced today that Facebook will soon be featuring video chat. Founder Mark Zuckerberg announced early this afternoon that the social media site will be partnering wtih Skype to offer the feature. After downloading an app, users will now have the option of chatting with a Facebook “friend” the standard way by typing or clicking a button that will allow them to talk to the person using their computer camera. Early feedback from Facebook users shows that many of them are angry at this announcement, as the appeal of Facebook is not actually having to look at the person they are talking to. Everyone knows that the goal of Facebook is to have as many “friends” as possible..not real friends, of course, but a collection of people on a list that you may or may not actually know in real life, that you can talk to without having to look at any of their disgusting faces. We spoke with one New Jersey resident who referred to himself only as “B. Knucks” who was very upset at this decision, saying “What if I take a chick home from a bar, ok? I mean, you know how I do. Look, this girl could be like a 3, bro, I don’t care, I’ll bang anything that moves. Well say this girl sends me a request on Facebook…Ok, no problem, I can type a message to this chick, but now I might actually have to look at her when I’m talking to her? Nah, that ain’t me, dog!” Concern is also apparently coming from the nerd world as well, as before, a nerdly gentleman of 36 who lives in his mother’s basement and records his own scene by scene commentary of old Doctor Who episodes, could send an attractive girl a message and have many typed conversations with her without her seeing what he looks like or how many boners he is actually experiencing while talking to her. Now, with this video chat feature, this gentleman’s world will be crushed much much sooner when the girl initiates a video chat with him and she sees his acne scarred face and his nervous habit of eating his own boogers. So we will have to see how this new feature plays out. But for right now, it seems that the “awesome” announcement that Mark Zuckerberg promised, is actually being seen as a terrible idea.

Orlando, Florida - No matter what anyone tells you, murder IS ok in the United States of America! Sure, some freedom haters out there would tell you otherwise, but you know better. We should all know better, though, after the 1995 not guilty verdict of OJ Simpson. For Christ’s sake, the man murdered two people, had their blood in his vehicle, had his blood at the crime scene, and he got off. Then comes this afternoon’s not guilty verdict of Casey Anthony, a woman accused of killing her 2 year old daughter, Caylee, in 2008 by dosing her with chloroform, suffocating her with duct tape, and dumping her body in a wooded area. The defense argued, however, that Caylee had died accidentally in a pool. And why should this be so hard for people to believe?! People drown all the time in swimming pools filled with chloroform! And big deal that Casey Anthony did not report her daughter missing for 31 days and then once she did talk to police, she then strung together a seemingly never ending web of lies. We all lied when we were kids to try to keep ourselves out of trouble…of course, never about our own child missing for a full fucking month! But hey, a lie is a lie, right? Be it lying to our parents about eating a cookie before dinner at age 8 or murdering our own child and then lying about it at age 25. But the majority apparently does not think so. Since the verdict was read, sites like Facebook and Twitter have been a buzz with people voicing their anger over the decision. Even the unemployed woman who still doesn’t have a job 9 months after having her baby was born, and refuses to go back to work while doing nothing all day but documenting her every action on Facebook by posting misspelled status updates and needless pictures of her baby doing absolutely nothing but sitting there, posted her reaction on Facebook. But despite all of the feelings of anger, the fact is that we live in America, and America is a country that is based on certain freedoms – Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, freedom to carry out your murderous tendencies and get away wtih it, and many more. So before we are so quick to judge, let’s remember that the United States of America used to mean something. Not anymore, of course, with the terrible economy, awful housing market, rising national debt, record unemployment, and corrupt politicians, but it still means freedom, it still means justice. And those are two things that still mean a great deal…… Well, unless you are Casey Anthony. In that case, you are apparently fuckin’ bulletproof – and there’s no law against that!

Palo Alto, California - Facebook has recently rolled out some changes to their enormously popular social networking site. Along with a new profile layout for users, there is also now a couple of new counterparts to the “Like” button that appears under everyone’s status that friends of that person could click if they enjoy that particular status. Of course, not everyone on Facebook enjoys every one of their friends’ status updates, therefore Facebook has created the “Dislike” button that users can click to show their disapproval of a friend’s status. But what is causing problems is the recent addition of yet another option, the “Are you kidding? What in the hell makes you think anyone would possibly care about this?” button.  This button was added for Facebook users who clearly think you need to see what is going in their lives, which they think are awesome, but more often than not, are pathetic. Statuses like “Ashley Johnson is going to the club tonight! Where my girls at?!” or “Jamie Peterson got crazy this weekend, still feeling it, yo!” The response has been overwhelming and the button has already been clicked on 398,000 statuses since the changes were made only 8 days ago. “It’s not suprising” says Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. “When I created the website, it was mainly used to talk to your friends and members of your school….and for me to get girls, but now as time has passed, and so many people have Facebook, they continue to add people in an attempt to have the most friends. What they don’t realize is that because you have Facebook friends doesn’t mean you have real friends. But with people’s ego being as they are, they think everyone on Facebook cares what they are doing.” What Zuckerberg did not anticipate, though, is the negative uproar his new features have caused. It seems the same people who are sharing these ridiculous statuses are so insecure that they are getting upset when someone clicks on the new “Are you kidding? What in the hell makes you think anyone would possibly care about this?” button. So upset that they are deleting those friends from their profiles and even putting insults toward the person as their new status. Although never actually confronting the person about the problem, because as 22 year old Rebecca Reynolds, a misguided girl from Arkansas says, “Whatevs! That’s what Facebook is for. If I want to talk about you, I’m going to. Not with words, but with typing, but when I see you the next day, just know that if you’re not on my Facebook friends list, then you’re not my real friend, because Facebook decides real life. TTYL.” After being asked about the anger that his website’s new feature is causing, Mark Zuckerberg replied “Who cares about them?! I had a movie made about me! Mark Zuckerberg is leaving!”