Indianapolis, Indiana – The NCAA announced a few new rule changes this week. Mind you, these were not rule changes on things such as discipline, grades, behavior, or even anything addressing the NCAA’s own crooked employees. They were, however, incredibly important rules like no hashtag in your endzone. Another states that the numbers on a jersey must contrast the uniform color. And perhaps one of the most pressing mattters facing college football was also addressed in these changes when it was stated that all towels used by players must be solid white. Finally! The color of towels has been affecting the quality of the game for far too long. And hashtags? Oh, that shit’s for the devil! The thinking is that it is a form of advertising. It simply would not be fair for a certain school to be advertising or making more money….unless the NCAA is getting a portion of it. It’s really all about the integrity of the game. You know, like the integrity shown by NCAA investigators who are paid by those representing the very people are investigating.

Indianapolis, Indiana - Manti Te’o turned in a performance today at the NFL scouting combine that was almost as horrible as his teeth, running a 4.81 40 yard dash. It was already known that Te’o is a fucking moron, but that was not expected to hold him back too much, as NFL rosters are full of guys who probably even need help spelling their own names. It was also already known that Te’o is a liar – also not something that would likely hurt him too much, as there are plenty of people in the NFL who lie, like people who say Darrelle Revis is not overrated. But slow? Now that is something that will surely hurt your draft stock. Also slightly damaging was the fact that he measured in at 6’1, 241 pounds after being listed at 6’2, 255 all season long at Notre Dame. But then again, Notre Dame has a tendency to exaggerate certain things like that, along with how good their team is, and about how much they actually matter, and that they deserve to be anywhere close to a BCS bowl game. Finally, there is the fact that Te’o did not bench press at the combine due to a “stinger” in his shoulder. Certainly, it is not something that is going to kill one’s draft stock simply because we can’t see how many times he can lift 225 pounds, but showing he’s a pussy is. Te’o hopes to perform better next month at Notre Dame’s pro day in a familiar environment amongst familiar teammates with a little less pressure…..kind of like the 12 games before Alabama.

Jackson, Mississippi - Today is national signing day in the world of college football. A day that provides both hope and disappointment for coaches, bragging rights and shame for fans, and the start of an adventure, an education, and hopefully a future career for the athletes (unless they decide to throw their lives away by playing for West Virginia.) These days, winning signing day has become almost as big as winning the national championship. A surprise team seems to winning signing day so far, and it is the same team who surprised many on the field last season: Ole Miss. The Rebels kicked off the day by getting a commitment from the #1 recruit in the country, DE/pussy whose mom makes all of his decisions for him, Robert Nkemdiche. Ole Miss then received commitments from the numbers 1 and 3 offensive tackle in the nation, Laremy Tunsil and Austin Golson. As if that wasn’t enough, the team had already received a commitment from number 1 receiever, Laquon Treadwell. Add in another major commitment from safety Antonio Conner, who was named “Mr. Football” in the state of Mississippi – though it is just an award given by the Mississippi’s shitty newspaper, The Clarion Ledger. So far, Ole Miss is ranked as high as 6 in national recruiting class rankings, something that will no doubt have their fans jumping for joy. Those same fans will, of course, be crying when the NCAA begins to investigate them for their recruiting tactics that have allowed them to get all of this top talent. However, as of now, Rebels’ fake christian head coach, Hugh Freeze says they are simply working hard and doing things the right way. Other top classes so far include the usual suspects: Florida, Notre Dame, Ohio State, and Alabama, who receieved a commitment yesterday from yet another 5 star player, linebacker Reuben Foster, who originally committed to Alabama only to decommit, then commit to Auburn, get an Auburn tatoo, then decommit from Auburn and commit again to the Crimson Tide. So in a class full of young, dumb, arrogant assholes, most of whom will never live up to the enormous hype that surrounds them, Foster seems to be the biggest asshole of them all. He is a true example of what national signing day is all about: building nothing out of something.

New York – Earlier this week, Katie Couric conducted an interview with former Notre Dame linebacker/liar, Manti Te’o. That interview will air later today and will immediately offer two extremely compelling items. First, the fact that Te’o is wearing one of the lamest, most ridiculous sweaters ever, and 2. Te’o now claims that Lark Voorhies was behind the entire hoax involving his ex “girlfriend.” Te’o, who is also wearing a gold chain – A FUCKING GOLD CHAIN, says that actress Lark Voorhies, who played Lisa Turtle on Saved By The Bell, has confessed to him that she was behind the haox and not Ronaiah Tuiasosopo as Te’o orginally stated. At first thought, it seemed ridiculous that of all the people in the world, Lark Voorhies would be the one behind the prank. However, when you really think about it, Voorhies seems a more likely candidate than even Tuiasosopo, and for a variety of reasons. First, it would make sense that Voorhies was behind it, for she was on a sitcom popular in the early 1990′s and Manti Te’o apparently dresses as if it were still the early 1990′s (see above picture.) Voorhies also makes sense because she is actually a woman and has a woman’s voice, as opposed to Tuiasosopo, who Te’o originally tried to make us believe impersonated a woman the entire time. Clearly Te’o is as dumb as a fucking rock, but it is hard to believe that anyone could mistake an impression by a man as a woman’s voice. Yet another reason the Voorhies scenario is plausible is the fact that she clearly has plenty of spare time to devote to such a lengthy hoax. Since Saved By The Bell, she has done little besides appearing in a terrible movie starring Red Man and Method Man, and getting plastic surgery that made her look like some sort of cat (photo above.) Maybe it was Lark Voorhies, maybe it was Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, or maybe Manti Te’o is just a complete fucking liar.

Editor’s note: When we say “maybe” Te’o is a complete fucking liar, we mean that he absolutely is

South Bend, Indiana - The inspirational story of Notre Dame linebacker, Manti Te’o, has turned out to be the biggest hoax since someone said Notre Dame actually belonged in a BCS bowl game. Early in the season, it was reported that the 6’2, 255 pound liar had suffered the loss of his grandmother and his girlfriend both in the same day. The story of Te’o continuing to play after such tragedies garnered him sympathy and helped make him a Heisman finalist. Of course, he eventually found out that all the sympathy in the world can’t stop you from getting fucked where you stand by an amazing athlete like Johnny Manziel. He would learn the same lesson involving Alabama as well. The story just gets more and more bizarre, as there are conflicting reports of Te’o met and hung out with his alleged girlfriend, then that they only spoke on the phone and online. There even seem to be conflicting reports of how the girl allegedly died, with the original story stating she died in a car crash, but a statment from Notre Dame today seemed to suggest she died from leukemia. His parents say that he was the victim in all of this and that they reported to Notre Dame the day after Christmas that the woman Te’o was speaking with was not who he thought she was. This is certainly a bizarre story that continues to become more bizarre as the day goes on. For now, we will have to wait to see how this story will play out. Is Te’o a victim of a creul joke or is he a fraud? What about his family? We know that Notre Dame is a fraud, because we see that every time they are placed in a BCS bowl game.

Tuscaloosa, Alabama - Early in 2011, the University of Alabama unveiled a statue of head football coach Nick Saban outside of Bryant-Denny Stadium. Since then, the Crimson Tide have won 2 national championships, something that, as of this morning, has Saban calling for a second statue. Reports began to surface late last night after Alabama’s 42-14 dismantling of Notre Dame, that Saban demanded a second statue of himself be constructed and placed directly in front of the first one. However, Saban was very specific about the details of this one. Some of those specifics are that he wants this statue placed exactly 3 yards away and facing the first, because according to Saban, he “wants this statue to be able to admire the greatness that is Nick Saban.” Another demand Saban had for the new statue was that he wanted a much larger bulge constucted in the crotch region because, once again, according to the coach himself, “I swing a big dong, and other people and other Nick Saban statues need to know that.” The university has reportedly already begun drawing up the plans and are set to begin erecting the statue next week. Saban, who has now won three national championships at Alabama, has already stated that he plans to win four more at the school, which would allow him to pass the legendary coach Bear Bryant and the six he won for the Crimson Tide. According to Saban, after that happens, he wants the original Nick Saban statue AND the Bear Bryant statue melted down together, then used to create an even larger “Super Saban” statue, which Saban says will be “about a foot taller and an even larger bulge… like, huge.”

Tuscaloosa, Alabama - Many Alabama fans have reportedly begun using recordings of last night’s BCS national championship game against Notre Dame in the place of porn. Apparently, the way that the Crimson Tide completely demolished the Irish had these fans so aroused, that they have already begun playing the game back on their DVRs and pleasuring themselves to it. A small number of them are reportedly playing the game back, pausing it during shots of AJ McCarron’s girlfriend, and catching whacks that way, which is completely understandable. The bulk of them, however, are jerking off to the actual game itself, aroused by an 18 yard run up the middle by Eddie Lacy, engorged by a 34 yard pass down the sideline to Amari Cooper. At this time, the game is being considered a form of fetish porn, as these people are basically jerking off while watching rape take place.

Miami, Florida - When polled last month about who they would rather see win tonight’s BCS national championship game between Alabama and Notre Dame, college football fans were extremely divided. 53 percent said they wanted to see the Crimson Tide win while 47 percent said they wanted to see the Irish come away with a victory. In the most dramatic shift in history, new polls have 100 percent of college football fans polled in favor of Alabama in tonight’s big game. This comes on the heels of ESPN personality Lou Holtz stating that he would kill himself if Notre Dame were to lose this game. Researchers have said there is no one reason for such a shift after Holtz’ vow to meet demise at his own hands if the Irish lose, instead concluding that there are most likely numerous reasons. According to those researchers, those reasons include the fact that because he was the coach of Notre Dame, he is such a homer that he is many times blinded to reality, he is just an old senile fuck who gets lost in his own thoughts while trying to talk about college football, and that it is absolutely excrutiating to listen to him spit all over the place as he talks, so much so that it makes me want to kill myself just listening to him, so better him leave this earth than me

Bowling Green, Kentucky - Bobby Petrino was officially announced as the head football of Western Kentucky during a press conference earlier today. He was welcomed in as WKU athletic director Todd Stewart stood like an asshole and presented him with a football jersey with the number 18 and the name Petrino, as if he was going to be a player for the team instead of a fucking coach. Petrino spoke about how he just wanted to get back to coaching players and that he hopes it can be for as long as possible. Of course, by “as long as possible,” Petrino meant until a coaching job opens up at a real school in a real conference. He also spoke of his excitement to be back to where his head coaching career began – in the state of Kentucky. Petrino first became a head coach and an asshole at Louisville from 2003-2006. He then became the head coach of the Atlanta Falcons. He lasted only 13 games before realizing what a shitty job he and his team were doing, so proving himself to be a complete asshole, he quit by leaving a letter on the players’ lockers. He wasted no time in taking a job to be a head coach and asshole at Arkansas, and boy did he succeed at both! Petrino compiled a 34-17 record at Arkansas and had them in everyone’s top 10 pre season polls until this past spring, he was fired after wrecking his motorcycle, lying by telling officials he was the only one on the bike when actually he was with a much younger woman who he was putting his dong inside. It was then uncovered that he had hired the woman to a position on his staff and had given her $20,000 in gifts. Petrino will not coach the team when they take on Central Michigan in the Little Ceasar’s Pizza Bowl on December 26. He said that he would need just a little bit longer to get acclimated to being a complete asshole in the state of Kentucky again. He also said that he would need that extra time to “cruise around Bowling Green and scope out some real quality strange tail.”

College Station, Texas - Moments after becoming the first freshman in history to win the Heisman, Johnny Manziel said that he plans to alter the trophy slightly by making the outstretched hand of the trophy display a middle finger. “It’s really just a message to all of the assholes who didn’t vote for me simply because I’m a freshman. It’s also kind of a message to a few past winners like Matt Leinart, who shouldn’t have won it over Adrian Peterson, also Cam Newton, whose records, and hopefully pride, I destroyed.” Peterson, who should have won it over Leinart in 2004, did not because he also was a freshman at the time, and many foolish voters refused to vote for him based on that. As for Newton, not only did Manziel break his record for all time yardage in a season in the SEC, but Manziel received no money while doing it, while Newton was paid $180,000 to be the quarterback at Auburn his Heisman year. It is also likely that the new middle finger on Manziel’s trophy will be toward Heisman runner up, Manti Te’o, as a way of saying “guess what, asshole, the Heisman isn’t given out just because you have a sad story and you happen to play for a team that still gets blown by the media for being good 25-50 years ago.” It can also be seen as another message from Maziel to Te’o that “You just got fucked where you stand by an SEC quarterback, get ready for it to happen again on January 7th.”