Posted on 01 April 2013 by bmar1127
Waco, Texas - In a major upset, the Louisville Cardinals defeated the Baylor Bears 82 – 81 in the sweet 16 of the NCAA Women’s tournament yesterday. The loss signals the end of Baylor star Brittney Griner’s college basketball career. She finishes her career only 110 points shy of the all time leading scoring record. Since the record was firs set by a woman, however, Griner does become the all time leading scorer for a man in college basketball. So much about Griner will be missed by the women’s basketball world: her 50 point games, her dunks, her exceptionally deep voice, and her joking around by constantly exposing her testicles to teammates in the locker room after games. It is highly unlikely we will see another player dominate women’s sports the way she did for quite some time. Then again, we may see a fresh face come in next season and begin building a body of work that in four years equals Griner’s. Sports is funny that way. You just never know. The only thing you can say 100 percent without a doubt is that BRITTNEY GRINER IS A MAN!
Posted on 21 March 2013 by bmar1127
Seattle, Washington - One man has taken the whole March Madness idea a little too far and has now lost all of his friends because of it. 29 year old Justin Davis has created a “best friend bracket” which pits everyone of his friends against each other with the winner being named his best friend. The bracket operates the same way NCAA tournament brackets do, with each friend receiving a seeding from 1-16, with 1 being the closest friend and 16 being a more distant friend. As if it weren’t insulting enough to his friends to receieve a number based on how good of a friend Justin thinks they are, he apparently was deciding the seeding and who won based on what they had done for him lately. And in one case, he even had a person in the “tournament” who was just a guy who works at the mall and helped him pick out some clothes last week. Here were a few of Justin’s matchups he had in the brackets that caused the most anger amongst his former friends:
- Justin’s closest friend for the past 17 years was downgraded in the tournament to a 5 seed because Justin doesn’t like his wife. (to be fair, she is a complete disaster as a human being)
- Another extremely close friend received a lower seed because he didn’t invite Justin to go get ice cream with he and his family over the weekend, causing Justin to sit at home and watch a ‘Lizard Lick Towing’ marathon
- In what had to be one of the most insulting moves, Justin’s friend of over a decade, with whom he speaks twice a day EVERY day, also received a lower seeding simply because he wouldn’t watch the television show, ‘Justified’, after Justin had told him to
Justin then revealed his bracket to his friends, somehow not expecting them to react as angrily as they did. After examining the names, seeding, who defeated who, and the fact that one name on the bracket just said “the guy at Target” (who actually moved onto the sweet 16), every single one of Justin’s friends agreed they no longer wanted to talk to him. Justin thought that at least the person who he had winning the tournament would be happy and continue speaking with him. He, however, had not taken into account the fact that he had both that friend and the friend’s wife pitted against each other in the final four. After winning that final four matchup, the friend gloated a bit too much, causing his wife to file for divorce and gain soul custody of the couple’s daughter. Justin Davis now says he regrets his “best friend bracket” idea, and that next year, he will do something much simpler and with less chance of being so disasterous. He says he is thinking of “family member bracket” instead.
Posted on 18 March 2013 by bmar1127
Oxford, Mississippi – March Madness is upon us. The NCAA tournament begins tomorrow with some loose play in games that the NCAA and media want to convince us are “1st round” games, with “2nd round” games to be played Thursday and Friday. Looking past that load of horse shit and knowing that Thursday is actually the beginning of the 1st round, we profile one such player involved in those games: Guard Marshall Henderson of the Ole Miss Rebels. After a regular season full of ups and downs and Mississippi’s shitty local newspaper, The Clarion Ledger, writing about wins against teams like Texas A&M (7-11) and Georgia (9-9) like they were school girls gushing over Justin Bieber, Ole Miss shocked almost everybody yesterday when they defeated Florida to win the SEC tournament. In doing so, they secured an automatic bid and are scheduled to get fucked where they stand by Wisconsin on Friday in the “2nd round” of the NCAA tournament. The Rebels were led this season by Henderson, who was arrested in 2010 when he was caught buying weed with $800 worth of counterfeit money. He then spent 25 days in jail last spring for violating his parole when he tested positive for alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine. As the Rebels guided their way through an extremely mediocre SEC, Henderson was, without a doubt, the leader of the team. And after a breakout season which saw him do things like popping his jersey after beating 3-15 Auburn, give the Ole Miss “landshark” hand sign, which we previously thought was just some stupid shit their football team did, and various other ridiculous acts to try to make himself forget he’s just a white kid who won’t be making it in the NBA, he is now, without a doubt, the biggest douchebag in all of college basketball. Henderson, the Rebels, and head coach Andy Kennedy (who, let’s never forget, shouted racial slurs at a cab driver) will play Wisconsin early Friday and will be taking a plane back to Mississippi mid afternoon after they lose that game.
Posted on 03 April 2012 by bmar1127
New Orleans, Louisiana - The Kentucky Wildcats defeated the Kansas Jayhawks 67-59 last night to win the eighth national championship in the program’s history and the first for weasely head coach John Calipari. For all of Calipari’s success over the years, that first title simply seemed to elude the coach with over 500 career wins. Thanks to players like Anthony Davis and his disgusting unibrow, the title eludes Calipari no more. Of course, thanks to Calipari, this national championship will no doubt be stripped away from them eventually. Wildcat fans must be expecting this though, after Calipari has had final four runs vacated at both UMass and Memphis. If (and by “if” we mean WHEN) their championship is taken from them by the NCAA, Kentucky fans must be ready to decide which they find more disconcerting – Being stripped of a national championship OR Anthony Davis’ unibrow
Posted on 22 March 2012 by bmar1127
Atlanta, Georgia - As the buzzer sounded last last Saturday night at the end of Kentucky’s win over Iowa State, Wildcats head coach john Calipari immediately thought back to December 10, 2011. Why? Because that is the day his team, number 1 in the country at the time, was defeated by a then unranked Indiana squad. He thought about how it had knocked the Wildcats out of the top ranking, how it had marred their so far undefeated record, and how it was all done by a three pointer at the buzzer from Hoosier forward Christian Watford. Calipari thought about all of this and immediately got a revenge boner as he knew that his next round’s opponent would be those same Indiana Hoosiers. As the Wildcats stepped off the bus this morning upon arriving to Atlanta, Calipari was still sporting that same revenge boner. In fact, reports are that the payback erection has not subsided since he learned of his game against Indiana 5 days ago, which could be a serious medical problem. Players admitted yesterday that it has been uncomfortable practicing this week with their head coach standing on the court with them sporting a constant erection the entire time. “Yeah, it’s weird,” said Kentucky forward Anthony Davis, who leads the team in scoring and rebounding this season. “But you can’t argue with the man’s methods. Just look at his career” he continued. It is a career that includes over 500 victories as a head coach in college basketball. Of course, he has cheated at every stop to gain many of those victories, from players at UMass accepting money to having other people take a player’s tests at Memphis. Both schools have been forced to vacate wins and even seasons because of him. Of course, he has not faced any such problems at Kentucky….yet. Now, that doesn’t mean that we are saying he’s cheating there too. He may or not be…..but definitely is. Despite the fact that Calipari is a complete piece of shit who just makes you want to vomit simply by looking at him, you have to respect that very same coaching record…..except for his miserable joke of a coaching performance in the NBA. Calipari hopes to take one step closer to his first national championship tomorrow, which would put him just three wins away from accomplishing that feat. It would also bring the Kentucky basketball program closer to forfeiting the win as infractions are uncovered in the future. Until that day undoubtedly happens, the Wildcat’s weasley coach, arrogant players, and smug fanbase will continue on with hopes of that elusive national championship as we all continue on watching the NCAA tournament and hoping that the camera does not pan down below Calipari’s waste tomorrow and reveal that revenge boner he has for the Hoosiers.
Posted on 14 March 2012 by bmar1127
Starkville, Mississippi - After Mississippi State’s 101-96 double overtime loss to UMass Tuesday night, Bulldogs fans found themselves scratching their heads. Not to figure out why their team had just loss their first round NIT game, or how they had even wound up in the NIT after once being ranked as high as 15th in the nation. No, that is not what troubled fans, who knew that it was a mixture of loose ass play, loose ass coaching, and losing to loose ass teams like Auburn and Georgia. What had these fans so perplexed was a tweet sent out after the game from MSU forward and waste of talent Renardo Sidney. The tweet: “I’m out!” If this were any other player, the meaning would clearly be that he is announcing that he is leaving school, either by expiring his eligibility or pursuing a career in the NBA. With Sidney, however, you can take the NBA option off the table given the fact that he is fucking worthless. So fans knew that couldn’t be the meaning of the tweet. He also is only a junior, so take the eligibility factor out. Then it dawned on everyone: “ohhhh, shit, he must have meant he was out of bagel bites!” – a fair assumption considering that a player as fat and sloth-like as Sidney would find something like being out of bagel bites to be very frustrating. Some, however, still argued that the tweet meant that he was leaving Mississippi State. Surely this could not be the case, however, as the fact is that not only would no one care if he did leave, but most would actually embrace the fact that the “large blob in the paint” was gone. Perhaps, though, Sidney is delusional enough to think such an announcement would matter to anyone. After all, this is the same person who’s old Twitter page used to say “#1 draft pick of 2012″…..how’s that working out now, asshole?! Anything is a possibility though, as Sidney does what he wants and only follows the advice of two sources – himself and the side of a frozen pizza box. So perhaps the tweet in question did, in fact, mean that he is “out” of Mississippi State – a place head coach Rick Stansbury should never have allowed him to be “in” this season in the first place. But the possibility of wins overshadows many things in the world of sports: ethics, beliefs, common sense, or the fact that one member of a basketball squad should have “accidentally” fallen out of the team bus and “tragically” been struck by that same bus long ago.
Posted on 13 March 2012 by bmar1127
Seattle, Washington – Yesterday, we reported a story about Justin Davis, a 29 year old local man who recently created a “best friend bracket.” The bracket backfired on Davis, as every one of his friends were so insulted at being pitted against each other, that they have all quit speaking to him. The bracket not only caused hard feelings, but also a divorce. In an update to this story, we have found the actual “best friend bracket” created by Davis. It can be seen below:
Posted on 02 February 2012 by bmar1127
Nashville, Tennessee - Officials at Vanderbilt University have begun rebranding themselves as the school, which traditionally focuses on academics before all else, looks to reach a broader range of potential students. The Nashville school with an enrollment of just under 13,000 will soon roll out a new campaign to attract students from all walks of life as they will be touting their university as “The brobang capital of the SEC.” Mark Dalton, chairman of the school’s board of Trust explains the move as “something that will bring in the athletes and party seekers as well as the traditional student looking for a superior education.” But why such a move for a school that, for the most part, is purely academic? According to Dalton, it is “just the way things are headed.” He explains “Kids are increasingly looking to have a good time when they come to a school. They’re looking for education, but they are also looking for an experience, for fun, and for brobangs.” A brobang, of course, is two or more males, or “bros”, have sex with one girl. The first brobang in Vanderbilt history was said to have taken place in 2004 and was orchestrated by Jay Cutler during his junior season as quarterback for the football team. They have reportedly been increasing in popularity year after year at the school. The university’s location has much to do with the brobang popularity, as the city of Nashville has begun linked to the likes of Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, just to name a couple. Cyrus being the whore that she is is said to be a “brobang all star” and has really helped the Nashville brobang reputation. The “Music City” is a destination for many tourists, given their rich history, beautiful scenery, and bustling nightlife. It is for all these reasons that officials have decided to claim themselves “the brobang capital of the SEC.” They, of course, will face an uphill battle, as it has been established for years that the University of Florida in Gainesville is the owner of that title.
Posted on 26 January 2012 by bmar1127
Starkville, Mississippi - Look at any team from any sport on any level in the country and one thing they will almost always have in common is sports drinks. Whether it be gatorade, powerade, or water, obviously athletes need to stay hydrated during games. Many football players even drink pickle juice during games if it is exceptionally hot outside, as they say it is the best way to avoid their muscles cramping. However, one athlete chooses to drink none of the above during his games. It has recently been discovered that Mississippi State basketball player and waste of life, Renardo Sidney, actually drinks GRAVY when he’s playing. The power forward who looks like a fat baby says he has been putting it in his water bottle for years now and that it “doesn’t do much for hydration, but it’s delicious.” Sidney’s guzzling of gravy was only recently revealed when television cameras at the Bulldogs game in Nashville vs Vanderbilt picked up what appeared to be a can hidden under a towel close to the Mississippi State bench. When cameras zoomed in, it was confirmed to be a jar of Heinz brown gravy. Your first thought is probably “Wait, wouldn’t drinking gravy make you fat and slow you down?” You would be correct on both counts, proven by Sidney’s fat worthless face and his sloth-like movement on the court. The big man came to Mississippi State regarded as one of the best recruits in the nation. He was forced to sit his first year in Starkville, however, when the NCAA ruled him ineligible for accepting thousands of dollars and gallons of nacho cheese sauce. Almost immediately upon reinstatement, Sidney (who bears a striking resemblance to that fat little kid from the movie Hook) was suspended again for his role in a fight with a teammate during a game. The teammate was off the team within two weeks, but Sidney was allowed to stay as head coach Rick Stansbury is apparently just willing enough to sell his soul for a few wins. Since then, Sidney has continued to be a disappointment both as a player and a human being. He has also remained stubborn as he does not have the decency to either quit the team or have a heart attack. Next up for Mississippi State is a road trip this weekend to face the Florida Gators in Gainesville, a place where Sidney always seems to be inspired most, because as he tells us “Man, they got a Captain D’s with a buffet there!”