Los Angeles, California – After being awarded with the first ever “Lifetime douchebag” award at last year’s Grammys, Nickelback is on a quest to make sure that no lineup of douchebags is complete without them. Though not nominated for any of this year’s Grammy awards, the band says that they “will be making an apperance at tonight’s show to show these current assholes and douchebags that we are the kings of this stuff!” They may very well be right. Although the current list of douchebag nominees is a strong one with acts such as Chris Brown, Carly Rae Jepsen, Taylor Swift, and pretty much all rappers, Nickelback has perfected the art of being complete douchebags and has been dominating that area for over ten years now with awful songs like “Photograph,” “Someday,” “Rockstar,” “Something In Your Mouth,” and countless other shitty songs with lyrics that only douchebags would write. So while people like Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj, and Lil Wayne are all strong contenders to be the biggest bunch of assholes and douchebags in music, Nickelback has a message for them: “remember who has always dominated that game.”

Los Angeles, California - The annual shit show known as the Grammys will be held tonight at the Staples Center, as the industry’s biggest assholes and douchebags come together as if it were a giant parade that celebrates everything that is wrong with music today. Examples include Carly Rae Jepsen, Chris Brown, LMFAO, Justin Bieber, and many more. Though the Grammys have meant less and less each year (unless you’re an 11-18 year old girl), tonight’s show will look to top all previous shitty Grammy shows. The fact that Carly Rae Jepsen is nominated for “song of the year” is a good start. Maroon 5 and Colplay should help out in that area as well, as they are both nominated for the first ever Grammy category “We were actually pretty good 10 years ago and have just gotten progressively shittier since.” And it wouldn’t be the Grammys without a lot of shitty performances. Performers tonight will include Taylor Swift, who will be singing a song about a breakup she went through because EVERY FUCKING SONG by Taylor Swift is about a breakup she went through. Other surely terrible performances include Alicia Keys and Maroon 5, a collaboration between Travis Barker, Chuck D, LL Cool J, Tom Morello, and DJ Z-Trip, and the biggest fan of terrible choices ever, Rihanna, as she will team up with Bruno Mars and Sting. Rihanna will also likely be the recipient. Speaking of Rihanna, it could be the female pop star who has the biggest night of all, as she will not only perform, but is also nominated for “Best pop solo performance.” She is also likely to be the recipient of boyfriend Chris Brown’s fist in her face after the award show is over. The award would be her second such honor. The show will kick off at 8:00 eastern and will be broadcast on CBS. Until then, just think about the fact that a song with such ridiculous lyrics as “We are never ever ever getting back together..like ever” is nominated for “record of the year.”

Los Angeles, California - The 2012 Grammy Awards show is set to take place tonight at the Staples Center. Tonight will be the 54th installment of the Awards and will celebrate, more than ever, everything that is wrong with music today. It will be a night full of terrible performances, including Taylor Swift, Coldplay teaming up with Rihanna (which was clearly suggested as a joke that someone in charge of this show took seriously), and Chris Brown, who everyone has apparently blocked out the fact that he beat a woman (but it’s ok, he can dance.) Tonight, however, one of the biggest honors will be bestowed upon Nickelback. The rock band from Canada is set to become the first ever recipient of the Grammy for Lifetime Douchebags. The newly formed award is similar to the lifetime achievement awards many artists have received, except the achievement is in the art of douchebaggery. And for the last decade, the members of Nickelback have certainly dedicated themselves to that art! Formed in 1995, the band were not immediately douchebags and were actually decent through 2001 and the album, Silver Side Up. It was not until 2002 that lead singer, Chad Kroeger, teamed up with Josey Scott, the lead singer of the god awful band, Saliva, to sing “Hero” for the Spider Man movie. After that, Nickelback (especially Kroeger) were on their way to a string of hits containing terrible music and even worse lyrics. Lyrics such as the ones found in the 2005 song, “Photograph”, where Kroeger sings about looking back at a photograph and wondering aloud “what the hell is on Joey’s head?” This abortion of a song was then followed by atrocious singles like “Rockstar”, a song about the desire to be rich and famous, with one ridiculous line speaking of being able to eat their meals for free followed by, for some unexplained reason, a deep voice that says “I think I’ll have a quesadilla, haha.” Other songs that should have never been made include “Burn It To The Ground” and, perhaps most absurd of them all, “Something In Your Mouth.” Those, along wtih many other songs that any human being should be embarassed to ever even think about writing, are among the reasons that Nickelback will make history tonight as the first band or artist to ever receive the Lifetime Douchebag Grammy…a fantastic achievement for a band that has made us question humanity for nearly a decade!