Indianapolis, Indiana - Super Bowl week has arrived, which typically means every reporter in Indianapolis asking every question under the sun, searching for that perfect story or soundbite from any of the players in this Sunday’s big game. Well, that story arrived early this afternoon when New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin released the team’s latest injury report, a list that was headlined by the name Eli Manning. The report has Manning listed as questionable with a slight case of masturbation shame. There has been no comment yet on exactly what caused the situation, but it is likely to be the first question asked when the Giants hold their first press conference later today. Masturbation shame is common among athletes, especially those on a stage as large as the Super Bowl. For example, it was rumored just last year that Ben Roethlisberger’s losing performance in Super Bowl XLV was due to his own masturbation shame (of course, he did rape 2 people.) Other notable players who have suffered from this during Super Bowl week include former Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Freddie Mitchell, former Oakland Raiders quarterback Rich Gannon, and former San Diego Chargers running back Natrone Means, just to name a few. These men were all members of losing Super Bowl teams. The only exception remains former Green Bay Packers tight end Mark Chmura who was said to be suffering from a severe case of masturbation shame during the week of Super Bowl XXXI, but was able to bounce back and help his Packers to defeat the Patriots. MS can be caused by any number of things and can range in seriousness. As this is a developing story, you can be sure Ridicularity.com will keep you up to date with the latest information.

Washington, D.C. - Today is what is commonly referred to as “D day.” This time, the usage of the phrase, which downplays and insults a historical military event, is referring to the NFL. At midnight tonight, the current collective bargaining agreement will expire, leading to the possibility of an NFL lockout. Talks will continue today between owners and the union to try to prevent that from taking place, but as of now, it does not look promising. Many players though, appear optimistic. Ben Roethlisberger, on the other hand, has become downright defiant. Perhaps fueled by desperation, the quarterback known as “Big Ben” showed up yesterday at the meetings between the owner’s labor committe and players union and quite simply told all the owners in attendence “There will be no lockout. I will fight and I will continue to make unwanted advances towards girls who say no!” After the statement, which came less than 3 minutes into the discussions, Roethlisberger walked out of the building. Players and owners spent the next five minutes sitting silent, completely confused by what had just taken place. Reporters caught up with Roethlisberger outside of the building just before he got into a car and asked him about the comments. This is what he had to say:

“It’s real simple, if there is no football, I can’t play quarterback, I don’t get paid. If I don’t get paid, then I don’t have the money necessary to travel to small college towns, go to their bars, and sexually assault young girls. That’s an important part of my life and these owners are trying to take that away from me. By locking the players out, they are trying to take away a big part of who I am.”

When one reporter thought that perhaps Roethlisberger was saying the “big part of who he was” meant quarterback of the Steelers, he was quickly corrected. “No, man!” Roethlisberger responded. “Look, the life of an NFL player is stressful and we have to find ways to unwind. And many of us..well, a few of us…ok, really just me, unwind by making unwanted sexual advances towards young girls that we have no business being around.” By the time the quarterback got done making these statements, many reporters, who were clearly very uncomfortable had already walked away in the middle of his speech. The lone remaining reporter then asked Ben if he had one final message to deliver to the NFL owners. The quarterback then looked directly into the camera, pointed his finger at it, and with a scowl on his face, simply said “We will win. I will win. You will NOT lock me out of unwilling girl’s vaginas!”

So as the final day of the CBA rolls on with so much uncertainty in the air, one thing is very certain: Ben Roethlisberger clearly has a very very different definition of lockout than the rest of these greedy players and owners.

Arlington, Texas - It was a concern the week before the big game, but for the quarterback on the other side. Last Monday, Green Bay Packers quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, was listed as doubtful to even play in the Super Bowl because of a self diagnosis of masturbation shame. After his MVP performance in last night’s game, however, it was clear that he had overcome this terrible affliction. But as we learned last night in a post game press conference, the MS that Rodgers was able to lose, his counter part, Ben Roethlisberger found. “I put it on my shoulders, no excuses” the Pittsburgh QB said. He continued, “I mean, yeah, I definitely let something fuel my masturbation earlier this week that I shouldn’t have, I was ashamed of it, I knew it was wrong, and it caught up with me tonight.” It would appear that the MS not only caught up with Big Ben, but hit him hard, as he threw two interceptions, one of which was returned for a touchdown early in the game. Rodgers, however, admitted he was able to shake the MS that had been plaguing him this week. Clearly he did, as he threw for 304 yards and 3 touchdowns, something no man with the burden of MS could pull off. “I saw some people about it this week, talked to other athletes who had gone through it before, and they helped me get past it. So now, thanks to them, I was able to play and I now have an MVP trophy and won a sweet new Chevy Camaro! You know how many women I’m gonna get now? TONS of poon!” Another Packer, linebacker Clay Matthews was also able to overcome his masturbation shame this week. Matthews not only played, but played well and had a great hair day. Unfortunately, not every Packer was able to overcome this terrible burden. Cornerback, Charles Woodson, also listed as doubtful earlier this week, made a valiant effort, actually starting the game. The shame got the best of him though and he was injured early in the game and was forced to watch from the sidelines. Woodson vowed that he will now dedicate himself to rehab in the offseason and be back next season, shame free and ready to go. As for Ben Roethlisberger, he did not comment on the disease or any sort of timetable upon which he might be recovered. So it is another season, another Super Bowl in the books. Super Bowl XLV, a tale of one quarterback overcoming the odds and another quarterback being sacked by one of the toughest opponents of all, tougher perhaps than any opposing defense could ever be. But as we look ahead, we should be able to expect a game free of this next year, as Super Bowl XLVI will be held in Indianapolis, generally not a home to this terrible disease. The problem, however, will lie in 2013 when Super Bowl XLVII will be held in New Orleans, which is, statistically, the masturbation shame capitol of the world.

Arlington, Texas – The Green Bay Packers could find themselves in a very deep hole come super Sunday. It was announced this morning that their star quarterback, Aaron Rodgers is listed as doubtful for Super Bowl XLV due to a a heavy case of masturbation shame. If that wasn’t bad enough for the Pack, two key players on defense, pro bowl linebacker Clay Matthews, and pro bowl cornerback, Charles Woodson, are also listed as doubtful due to the same affliction. Masturbation shame is a problem that affects many more people than you may think. It can happen at almost any age, even following one through their entire lives. The most common occurence of this is when one is attempting to pleasure themself  and they look at something, be it on the internet, magazine, or even in real life, that is very unsettling at any other moment, but at the time, they think “hey, let’s just go with it.” The person will then feel shame for the next 5 to 10 minutes but then generally be alright for the rest of the day. Then without warning, the memory of what they have seen will appear at very random moments. Masturbation shame has various levels of severity and depending on which level, can affect one’s mental state anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 weeks at a time. It is unclear what has caused this outbreak among the Packers players, as the only thing quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, said to reporters this morning was “I should not have seen that! Sweet lord, what was I thinking? I just….I shouldn’t have seen that.” Woodson and Matthews did not comment, but are expected to tomorrow at the beginning of media day. So for now, everyone in Packer nation waits, full of questions….. When did this happen? Will they be able to play in the Super Bowl? What exactly did these players see. For now, no answers exist. It is safe to speculate, though, that in involves the man they will be facing this Sunday, Ben Roethlisberger, raping someONE or someTHING. Stay tuned

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - There is the old saying that some people never learn. It appears that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger, can be included in that group of “some people.” Suspended 4 games earlier this season for allegedly sexually assaulting a 20 year old college student in Milledgeville, Georgia, Roethlisberger has come back to enjoy a solid season so far and has helped his team to a 10-3 record. Since his comeback, Roethlisberger has been keeping quiet, playing football, and not forcing his body upon young girls…..apparently teammates are fair game, however. Thursday afternoon at Steelers practice, things were moving along as normal. The team was 45 minutes into practice for this week’s upcoming game against the New York Jets. Roethlisberger and the rest of the first team offense were on the field scrimmaging against the second team defense. They were working on some new plays that head coach Mike Tomlin had just installed into the playbook. Well, despite the new plays, what happened next was the same old Roethlisberger. Wide receiver, Hines Ward, was supposed to run 6 yards, then run his route left. Being that this was the first time they had worked on this particular play, Ward ran right. Roethlisberger immediately stopped the practice, ran to Ward and began screaming in his face, calling him names, and berating him. Ward, wanting to maintain his cool, simply shouted back “No, you do not talk to me like that!” Roethlisberger stood there for a moment, then appeared to motion to the person upstairs operating the practice facility’s PA. Then all of a sudden, a Lil Wayne song began blasting throughout the building, and Roethlisberger darted behind Ward and started dancing and grinding on him. The rest of the team just kind of stood there frozen for a few moments as the quarterback put his hands on the receivers hips and reportedly told Ward “This is happening.” Ward then threw Roethlisberger off of him and rest of the team seperated the two. Coach Tomlin then ended the practice immediately. When asked later what he was thinking, Roethlisberger told a handful of reporters that were present “Look, I’m Ben Roethlisberger, I sexually assault people. It’s what I do. It’s been a while since I have, so I just did it today. Better a teammate than another girl at a club or hotel, right? Plus he told me no…I don’t pay attention to the word, no” The hotel he spoke of was the first alleged incident when a civil suit was filed against him in 2009 by a woman claiming he sexually assaulted her in a Lake Tahoe hotel room in Nevada. Neither time has Roethlisberger gotten in any real trouble because they were more of “he said, she said” cases. This latest action, however, happened on field with more than a hundred people watching. Despite all those people watching, it appears it may be a “he said, he said” argument this time as coach Mike Tomlin, who bears a ridiculous resemblance to actor Omar Epps from the TV show House, has already began denying that he saw the altercation. “The only thing I’ve seen is Ben’s 2 super bowl rings” said Tomlin. The coach then added that “If he wins me another championship, he can sexually assault my wife for all I care.” After hearing this, Roethlisberger sarcastically replied “Oh, thanks”, then adding “What do you think I need your permission? You think I need a sexual assault coach? I’m Ben Roethlisberger, I’m an expert at it!”