Seattle, Washington - One man has taken the whole March Madness idea a little too far and has now lost all of his friends because of it. 29 year old Justin Davis has created a “best friend bracket” which pits everyone of his friends against each other with the winner being named his best friend. The bracket operates the same way NCAA tournament brackets do, with each friend receiving a seeding from 1-16, with 1 being the closest friend and 16 being a more distant friend. As if it weren’t insulting enough to his friends to receieve a number based on how good of a friend Justin thinks they are, he apparently was deciding the seeding and who won based on what they had done for him lately. And in one case, he even had a person in the “tournament” who was just a guy who works at the mall and helped him pick out some clothes last week. Here were a few of Justin’s matchups he had in the brackets that caused the most anger amongst his former friends:
- Justin’s closest friend for the past 17 years was downgraded in the tournament to a 5 seed because Justin doesn’t like his wife. (to be fair, she is a complete disaster as a human being)
- Another extremely close friend received a lower seed because he didn’t invite Justin to go get ice cream with he and his family over the weekend, causing Justin to sit at home and watch a ‘Lizard Lick Towing’ marathon
- In what had to be one of the most insulting moves, Justin’s friend of over a decade, with whom he speaks twice a day EVERY day, also received a lower seeding simply because he wouldn’t watch the television show, ‘Justified’, after Justin had told him to
Justin then revealed his bracket to his friends, somehow not expecting them to react as angrily as they did. After examining the names, seeding, who defeated who, and the fact that one name on the bracket just said “the guy at Target” (who actually moved onto the sweet 16), every single one of Justin’s friends agreed they no longer wanted to talk to him. Justin thought that at least the person who he had winning the tournament would be happy and continue speaking with him. He, however, had not taken into account the fact that he had both that friend and the friend’s wife pitted against each other in the final four. After winning that final four matchup, the friend gloated a bit too much, causing his wife to file for divorce and gain soul custody of the couple’s daughter. Justin Davis now says he regrets his “best friend bracket” idea, and that next year, he will do something much simpler and with less chance of being so disasterous. He says he is thinking of “family member bracket” instead.
Indianapolis, Indiana - Though not many people even knew the WNBA playoffs were happening, the Indiana Fever apparently beat some team called the Minnesota Lynx for the championship yesterday, exciting the league’s fan. We’ve looked into it and it has been confirmed that the only actual fan of the WNBA in the United States is some girl named Jenny, who is from Indiana. But she was excited. So, congratulations are due to the Indiana Fever…..we guess? They will begin the defense of their championship…..whenever the WNBA starts their season. Unless there is a lockout. Please let there be a lockout!
New Orleans, Louisiana - The Kentucky Wildcats defeated the Kansas Jayhawks 67-59 last night to win the eighth national championship in the program’s history and the first for weasely head coach John Calipari. For all of Calipari’s success over the years, that first title simply seemed to elude the coach with over 500 career wins. Thanks to players like Anthony Davis and his disgusting unibrow, the title eludes Calipari no more. Of course, thanks to Calipari, this national championship will no doubt be stripped away from them eventually. Wildcat fans must be expecting this though, after Calipari has had final four runs vacated at both UMass and Memphis. If (and by “if” we mean WHEN) their championship is taken from them by the NCAA, Kentucky fans must be ready to decide which they find more disconcerting – Being stripped of a national championship OR Anthony Davis’ unibrow
Atlanta, Georgia - As the buzzer sounded last last Saturday night at the end of Kentucky’s win over Iowa State, Wildcats head coach john Calipari immediately thought back to December 10, 2011. Why? Because that is the day his team, number 1 in the country at the time, was defeated by a then unranked Indiana squad. He thought about how it had knocked the Wildcats out of the top ranking, how it had marred their so far undefeated record, and how it was all done by a three pointer at the buzzer from Hoosier forward Christian Watford. Calipari thought about all of this and immediately got a revenge boner as he knew that his next round’s opponent would be those same Indiana Hoosiers. As the Wildcats stepped off the bus this morning upon arriving to Atlanta, Calipari was still sporting that same revenge boner. In fact, reports are that the payback erection has not subsided since he learned of his game against Indiana 5 days ago, which could be a serious medical problem. Players admitted yesterday that it has been uncomfortable practicing this week with their head coach standing on the court with them sporting a constant erection the entire time. “Yeah, it’s weird,” said Kentucky forward Anthony Davis, who leads the team in scoring and rebounding this season. “But you can’t argue with the man’s methods. Just look at his career” he continued. It is a career that includes over 500 victories as a head coach in college basketball. Of course, he has cheated at every stop to gain many of those victories, from players at UMass accepting money to having other people take a player’s tests at Memphis. Both schools have been forced to vacate wins and even seasons because of him. Of course, he has not faced any such problems at Kentucky….yet. Now, that doesn’t mean that we are saying he’s cheating there too. He may or not be…..but definitely is. Despite the fact that Calipari is a complete piece of shit who just makes you want to vomit simply by looking at him, you have to respect that very same coaching record…..except for his miserable joke of a coaching performance in the NBA. Calipari hopes to take one step closer to his first national championship tomorrow, which would put him just three wins away from accomplishing that feat. It would also bring the Kentucky basketball program closer to forfeiting the win as infractions are uncovered in the future. Until that day undoubtedly happens, the Wildcat’s weasley coach, arrogant players, and smug fanbase will continue on with hopes of that elusive national championship as we all continue on watching the NCAA tournament and hoping that the camera does not pan down below Calipari’s waste tomorrow and reveal that revenge boner he has for the Hoosiers.
Starkville, Mississippi - After Mississippi State’s 101-96 double overtime loss to UMass Tuesday night, Bulldogs fans found themselves scratching their heads. Not to figure out why their team had just loss their first round NIT game, or how they had even wound up in the NIT after once being ranked as high as 15th in the nation. No, that is not what troubled fans, who knew that it was a mixture of loose ass play, loose ass coaching, and losing to loose ass teams like Auburn and Georgia. What had these fans so perplexed was a tweet sent out after the game from MSU forward and waste of talent Renardo Sidney. The tweet: “I’m out!” If this were any other player, the meaning would clearly be that he is announcing that he is leaving school, either by expiring his eligibility or pursuing a career in the NBA. With Sidney, however, you can take the NBA option off the table given the fact that he is fucking worthless. So fans knew that couldn’t be the meaning of the tweet. He also is only a junior, so take the eligibility factor out. Then it dawned on everyone: “ohhhh, shit, he must have meant he was out of bagel bites!” – a fair assumption considering that a player as fat and sloth-like as Sidney would find something like being out of bagel bites to be very frustrating. Some, however, still argued that the tweet meant that he was leaving Mississippi State. Surely this could not be the case, however, as the fact is that not only would no one care if he did leave, but most would actually embrace the fact that the “large blob in the paint” was gone. Perhaps, though, Sidney is delusional enough to think such an announcement would matter to anyone. After all, this is the same person who’s old Twitter page used to say “#1 draft pick of 2012″…..how’s that working out now, asshole?! Anything is a possibility though, as Sidney does what he wants and only follows the advice of two sources – himself and the side of a frozen pizza box. So perhaps the tweet in question did, in fact, mean that he is “out” of Mississippi State – a place head coach Rick Stansbury should never have allowed him to be “in” this season in the first place. But the possibility of wins overshadows many things in the world of sports: ethics, beliefs, common sense, or the fact that one member of a basketball squad should have “accidentally” fallen out of the team bus and “tragically” been struck by that same bus long ago.
Seattle, Washington – Yesterday, we reported a story about Justin Davis, a 29 year old local man who recently created a “best friend bracket.” The bracket backfired on Davis, as every one of his friends were so insulted at being pitted against each other, that they have all quit speaking to him. The bracket not only caused hard feelings, but also a divorce. In an update to this story, we have found the actual “best friend bracket” created by Davis. It can be seen below:
Miami, Florida - Fans of both the Miami Heat and the New York Knicks have spent so much energy this week actually pretending that tonight’s matchup between the two teams matters, that they are now too tired to actually care about the game itself. Knicks fans find themselves worn out from repeating the latest batch of stupid fucking Jeremy Lin puns that ESPN has come up with and pretending that recent wins against terrible teams like the Nets, Wizards, Kings, and Raptors mean anything. A great deal of energy has also been expended on looking past this past week’s losses to the Nornets and Nets, teams with a combined 18 god damn wins. Knicks fans are not alone, however, as those in South Beach also find themselves in a similar situation. Not similar in the sense that they, like the Knicks, are fooling themselves into thinking they are actually a contender in the Eastern conference, but in the sense that they have also exhausted themselves mentally by pretending it matters that Jeremy Lin and the Knicks are coming to town. It is not their fault, however. ESPN has been telling them that it’s a big deal, and if ESPN reports it on one of their 9 consecutive Sportscenters per day, you know it’s got to be great! Tonight’s game is completely sold out, with some seats even going for a reported $9,400. Many Knicks fans who were going, however, find themselves opting to just go to bed early tonight instead, as making wildly untrue statements such as “It’s better for the NBA when New York is good,” or “The Knicks are going to make some noise in the playoffs,” and “Carmelo Anthony is not overrated” has taken it’s toll on them this week. They will, of course, be able to catch the highlights 28 times tomorrow on ESPN as it will most likely be all they talk about all day long, along with repeatedly showing player interviews, analysis, debates on the game, team comparisons, and comparisons of the players with players from other sports who have nothing to do with anything. On the other side, most Heat fans say the are still planning to attend tonight’s game, as they never miss a chance to see their team blow a team out in a game that people think is going to be entertaining.
New York, New York - Jeremy Lin has risen from basketball obscurity to one of the hottest names in the NBA the past few days. Of course, that is going to happen when ESPN needs material to air during their 9 consecutive hours of the same show (Sportscenter.) Lin has been all over the network this week after seeing the most significent playing time of his career over the last three games, including the first two starts of his career. In those three games this week, he has averaged 25.3 points and 8.3 assists, all in wins. These games have New York Knicks fans more excited than they have been since Carmelo Anthony joined the team last season (how has that worked out, assholes?) It has them looking past the fact that those three games were against the dreadful Nets, the mediocre Jazz, and the pathetic, make you want to kill yourself and everyone in the arena, Wizards. Nevertheless, ESPN has taken what is actually a nice little story and covered it to death, made it out to be the greatest story ever, pointlessly compared the athlete to athletes from other sports, have endless debates about the player, and add such “creative” tag lines as “Linsanity” – you know, the usual thing the network does. Let’s get off the fact that ESPN always thinks they are so clever when the bulk of their programming is some of the lamest shit ever on television. Let us put the focus back on the Knicks, who are obviously poised to make a run to the playoffs and perhaps an NBA championship with the way they have been playing. Oh, wait, they are still 11-15 and fucking awful. The Knicks will face the Los Angeles Lakers tonight, a team that will provide Lin with his toughest challenge so far. Perhaps the biggest challenge in New York, however, will be how the foolish Knicks fans will deal with it when reality sets in that, though providing a spark now, Jeremy Lin’s performance will guide you to the playoffs or an NBA championship. Christ, it probably won’t even help you have a winning record when the regular season is over! Do not blame Lin when that happens, however. Do not blame ESPN for getting your hopes up. They just needed content for their increasingly terrible programming. There really will be no one to blame (except for the players, coaches, GM, and owner.) It’s just how it is. You are the Knicks…and you are bad. Just take comfort in the fact that you are not the Charlotte Bobcats
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - Kobe Bryant scored 28 points in last night’s 95-90 loss to the 76ers to move him past former teammate Shaquille O’Neal as the fifth leading scorer in NBA history. Before the game may have been the biggest moment for the all star guard, however, as Bryant sexual assaulted two local women, giving him the record as the Los Angeles Lakers all time leading rapist. Afterward, Shaquille O’Neal offered his congratulations to Bryant, saying “I want to personally congratulate Kobe on being the greatest Laker rapist ever. His accomplishment is great and well deserved, and I’m really proud of him. He told me when he was 18 years old that he’d go down as the greatest Laker rapist ever, and one of the greatest sexual deviants of all time. And he wasn’t lying.” Bryant now sets his sights on Wilt Chamberlain, who is not only ahead of Bryant as the fourth leading scorer of all time, but is ahead of only Bryant for the NBA all time leading rapist. In fact, Chamberlain’s sexual prowess has been the stuff of legends over the years, with stories that he has slept with hundreds, some evern say thousands, of women. But what most people don’t know is that many of those numbers were acheived via overly aggressive, unwanted sexual advances on the part of Chamberlain. Bryant sounded confident that he could indeed reach Chamberlain’s numbers though. When asked if he thinks he is going to rape enough women to reach the record, Bryant responded “I believe so,” and added “One day it will happen.”