San Francisco, California - Colin Kaepernick says it’s going to take time to get over last night’s Super Bowl loss, but also says the healing process has already begun. “I just keep reminding myself that it could be worse…I could be Tony Romo,” the second year quarterback said. Kapernick said he got home to San Francisco early this morning and has “spent the day focusing on the good things in life, things like not being Tony Romo.” “You gotta take the bad with the good,” he says. “You can’t just dwell on that loss. You have to focus on the wins we had as well, or else you’ll drive yourself crazy.” Those wins – at home against Green Bay and at Atlanta – already give him more playoff wins than Romo has in his career of more than six years, while Kaepernick did not even start a full season. And though he says it’s hard right now to block out thoughts of last night’s game, he is doing his best just to count his blessings – the biggest of which, according to Kaepernick is “not being Tony Romo.”

Detroit, Michigan - Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson has broken Jerry Rice’s record for receiving yards in a single season. Rice’s previous record of 1,848 stood since 1995 when he was a member of the San Francisco 49ers. Johnson’s path to the record has been almost indentical to Rice’s record setting season. Other than the fact that Rice’s season helped his team to a 11-5 record, a division title, and the fact that defensive backs were all but allowed to rape receivers. Johnson can boast as well, as his new receiving record has helped his team win 4 games and a guaranteed last place finish in the NFC North, all while receivers cannot be touched beyond 5 yards and a defensive player will be fined if he so much as even tells the quarterback that his ass looks fat. So now we say congratulations to Calvin Johnson! This record is going to look amazing in the place of that Super Bowl ring that he will never win as long as he plays for the Detroit Lions.

Bowling Green, Kentucky - Bobby Petrino was officially announced as the head football of Western Kentucky during a press conference earlier today. He was welcomed in as WKU athletic director Todd Stewart stood like an asshole and presented him with a football jersey with the number 18 and the name Petrino, as if he was going to be a player for the team instead of a fucking coach. Petrino spoke about how he just wanted to get back to coaching players and that he hopes it can be for as long as possible. Of course, by “as long as possible,” Petrino meant until a coaching job opens up at a real school in a real conference. He also spoke of his excitement to be back to where his head coaching career began – in the state of Kentucky. Petrino first became a head coach and an asshole at Louisville from 2003-2006. He then became the head coach of the Atlanta Falcons. He lasted only 13 games before realizing what a shitty job he and his team were doing, so proving himself to be a complete asshole, he quit by leaving a letter on the players’ lockers. He wasted no time in taking a job to be a head coach and asshole at Arkansas, and boy did he succeed at both! Petrino compiled a 34-17 record at Arkansas and had them in everyone’s top 10 pre season polls until this past spring, he was fired after wrecking his motorcycle, lying by telling officials he was the only one on the bike when actually he was with a much younger woman who he was putting his dong inside. It was then uncovered that he had hired the woman to a position on his staff and had given her $20,000 in gifts. Petrino will not coach the team when they take on Central Michigan in the Little Ceasar’s Pizza Bowl on December 26. He said that he would need just a little bit longer to get acclimated to being a complete asshole in the state of Kentucky again. He also said that he would need that extra time to “cruise around Bowling Green and scope out some real quality strange tail.”

Miami, Florida - The New Orleans Saints defeated the Atlanta Falcons today 31-27. In doing so, the Falcons bid for a perfect season comes to an end. As they do every season when the last undefeated team in the NFL loses, members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only team in NFL history to finish the season perfect, can gather, have champagne, and celebrate their record lasting at least one more year. After that, they will hopefully kill themselves, as everyone has grown weary of hearing about you celebrating the misfortune of other teams year after year, you smug pricks. The worst of them, however, has been Mercury Morris. For one day every NFL season, we are reminded that Morris is still around by him being interviewed by radio and television and him reminding us all that his was the only team to achieve a perfect season. After that, he fades back into his miserable, meaningless existence. So if Morris is actually the only one to meet his demise, that would be an acceptable loss.

Oakland, California - The Oakland Raiders have hired Dennis Allen as their new head coach, proving the organization’s ability to make terrible decisions did not die with Al Davis. Allen joins the team from the Denver Broncos where he served as defensive coordinator for the past season. Prior to that, he spent time as an assistant with the Saints and Falcons. He will be the Raiders seventh head coach in the past ten years, a span that included such failures as Bill Callahan, Art Shell, and Tom Cable. Allen’s hire comes two weeks after the firing of Hue Jackson, the only coach the Raiders have shown promise under since 2002. But the NFL is not about promise and bringing back an abortion of a franchise. It is about signing as many terrible coaches and players as possible, according to the Oakland Raiders. Today is undoubtedly one of the proudest days for Dennis Allen, as he becomes a head coach for the first time. He will always be able to look back at this day and smile, something that will help him in less than three years when he is fired as head coach of the Oakland Raiders

New Orleans, Louisiana - Drew Brees is on pace to break Dan Marino’s single season passing record and will likely do it tonight as the New Orleans Saints take on the Atlanta Falcons in one of the few good matchups that ESPN Monday Night football provides. Brees needs only 305 yards to break Marino’s record of 5,084 yards, which the hall of fame quarterback set in 1984. Considering Brees is averaging 341 yards per game this season, chances are he will set the new record tonight. Chances are even better that after he does so, he will mention hurricane Katrina, which happened over six fucking years ago but Brees, the Saints, the fans, and the local media like to still talk about as if New Orleans were the only area affected by the storm. Brees will likely tell stories for the 500th time about how the Saints helped to rebuild the city and help the many that the storm left homeless. Yes, because homeless people can live in football games, right? Poor and hungry people can eat football games, can’t they? As Brees etches his name into the NFL history books tonight, he will likely talk about how inspirational the members of the Saints football team have been to the people who lost so much. After all, the players themselves were displaced after the storm as well and the only assistance they received was paid travel, meals, and living expenses as they temporarily relocated to San Antonio, Texas. Upon returning to New Orleans, some of the players even had to settle for the regular Ferrari instead of the luxury edition that they wanted, a truly inspiring tale of sacrifice. If Brees does in fact break the record tonight, it will be in front of the home town fans in the Superdome, which will make it that much sweeter for Brees, having the chance to do it in front of so many people who also apparently believe that they were the only ones affected by hurricane Katrina. They will be proud, much prouder than fans of the Saints in parts of Florida and Mississippi who experienced just as much destruction from the storm. But as Brees will remind you – “the storm did not even go there, only New Orleans! In fact, Florida and Mississippi aren’t even real places, they’re clearly just made up.”

Washington, D.C. - The Federal Communications Commission, or the FCC, the group of out of touch people who are responsible for deciding what is best for the rest of us when it comes to what we see and hear on the radio and television, is at it again. For quite some time now, tv networks, radio stations, and especially the personalities on those radio stations have lived in fear of the FCC and their list of phrases and words that are not allowed to be said. The beauty is nobody has ever been 100 percent clear on what that list contains, and the FCC has done little to clarify, yet they ceratainly have been quick to fine those who uttered any of the words on their mythical list. The latest victim of these fines: well known ESPN personality Chris Berman, the host of NFL Sunday Countdown. It happened early this morning when Berman was talking about the Atlanta Falcons last minute victory over the Baltimore Ravens Thursday night. “The Falcons, a thilling come from behind victory over the Ravens Thursday on the NFL Network.” That was the prhase that earned him the fine. Julius Genachowski, the chairman of the FCC, stated that Mr. Berman was fined because the phrase “come from behind victory sounds like he is promoting rape or some sort of sexual assault.” Fines have also been levied against other broadcasters this week. ESPN College Gameday host, Kirk Herbstreit has been fined for his comments during the show yesterday when referring to Oregon Ducks head football coach Chip Kelly when he said “Coach Kelly has a good looking package he has put together at that school.” It also appears that the FCC is working retroactively because they also penalized announcers for comments they have made earlier in the season. The following is a list of those who have been fined and the phrases they have been fined for this season:

NBC commentator Al Michaels – “It’s amazing how many balls Braylon Edwards has had in his hands and dropped tonight”

ESPN Sunday Countdown co host Mike Ditka – “Look at this tremendous penetration by Ray Lewis”

NFL on CBS co host Dan Marino – “Jay Cutler went down hard on that sack and he’s hurt”

NBC analyst Chris Collinsworth – “I love penis, lots and lots of other mens’ penises”

So, as you can see, the FCC is once again overreacting over phrases we hear every week during football broadcasts…..well, except for Chris Collinsworth, but what else do you expect from that guy, he’s just telling the truth about his personal life. So it appears that this group of indiiduals who for some reason think they know what’s best for us, better than we know what’s best for ourselves, are enforcing rules stricter than ever before. Why? No one knows. Maybe it’s because they need to feel more important than they really are, maybe they need to feel powerful because they are miserable people. Whatever the reason, members of broadcast media need to be on their toes, especially those in radio, because the FCC has also announced they will heavily fine any station who plays the band Hinder…..the first move by the FCC that has ever made perfect sense, that band is terrible