Washington, D.C. - Today is what is commonly referred to as “D day.” This time, the usage of the phrase, which downplays and insults a historical military event, is referring to the NFL. At midnight tonight, the current collective bargaining agreement will expire, leading to the possibility of an NFL lockout. Talks will continue today between owners and the union to try to prevent that from taking place, but as of now, it does not look promising. Many players though, appear optimistic. Ben Roethlisberger, on the other hand, has become downright defiant. Perhaps fueled by desperation, the quarterback known as “Big Ben” showed up yesterday at the meetings between the owner’s labor committe and players union and quite simply told all the owners in attendence “There will be no lockout. I will fight and I will continue to make unwanted advances towards girls who say no!” After the statement, which came less than 3 minutes into the discussions, Roethlisberger walked out of the building. Players and owners spent the next five minutes sitting silent, completely confused by what had just taken place. Reporters caught up with Roethlisberger outside of the building just before he got into a car and asked him about the comments. This is what he had to say:

“It’s real simple, if there is no football, I can’t play quarterback, I don’t get paid. If I don’t get paid, then I don’t have the money necessary to travel to small college towns, go to their bars, and sexually assault young girls. That’s an important part of my life and these owners are trying to take that away from me. By locking the players out, they are trying to take away a big part of who I am.”

When one reporter thought that perhaps Roethlisberger was saying the “big part of who he was” meant quarterback of the Steelers, he was quickly corrected. “No, man!” Roethlisberger responded. “Look, the life of an NFL player is stressful and we have to find ways to unwind. And many of us..well, a few of us…ok, really just me, unwind by making unwanted sexual advances towards young girls that we have no business being around.” By the time the quarterback got done making these statements, many reporters, who were clearly very uncomfortable had already walked away in the middle of his speech. The lone remaining reporter then asked Ben if he had one final message to deliver to the NFL owners. The quarterback then looked directly into the camera, pointed his finger at it, and with a scowl on his face, simply said “We will win. I will win. You will NOT lock me out of unwilling girl’s vaginas!”

So as the final day of the CBA rolls on with so much uncertainty in the air, one thing is very certain: Ben Roethlisberger clearly has a very very different definition of lockout than the rest of these greedy players and owners.