Crystal Springs, Mississippi – With all the advancement the nation has made when it comes to racism, one state is sticking to their beliefs in things like racism and blind hatred. Well, to be fair, not the ENTIRE state, but we don’t want to point any particular city out…..CRYSTAL SPRINGS! That is where Charles and Te’Andrea Wilson were not allowed to get married at the church they regularly attend because some members of the church did not want them to because they are black. These members voiced their bigotry, I mean..concerns, to the pastor of the church, who then moved the wedding to another church, though invitations had even been printed out with the current church’s location listed on them. However, the pastor said he did not want to have a controversy within the church, so he simply performed it at the other location. We’re not sure if it’s right to refer to an official from a church as a “pussy,” but to save time, we’ll just go ahead and say it is. After all, if there are two things our church leaders should teach us, it’s the word of God and that you should always back down to pressure from a few pathetic, misguided, backward thinking rednecks.

Atlanta, Georgia - After thinking that anyone at all was concerned about it in the least, Chick-fil-A president and hate monger, Dan Cathy, spoke out last week to alert everyone that his restaurant is against gay marriage. “Chick-fil-A is very much supportive of the family unit. That is, the biblical definition of the family unit” said Cathy, who appeared exhausted after a long day of hating homosexuals. Further adding to his exhaustion was the mental energy used to think that the world needed to know for certain the beliefs of someone from a fucking fast food chicken restaurant. Tired as he may be, however, Cathy told us he expected to get little rest in the coming days, as he was going to be busy giving money to anti-gay organizations, telling women their place is in the kitchen, and even attending a KKK rally two days from now.

State College, Pennsylvania - As part of the massive sanctions levied against the Penn State football team this morning by the NCAA, all wins from 1998-2011 will be vacated. The move will not only affect the all time win-loss record of the school, but of the all time college football coaching records as well. Joe Paterno will be stripped of those wins during that span, dropping him from a record 408 wins to 298. This should please the attorney from Grambling, who just last week, filed to vacate some of Paterno’s wins so ex Grambling coach Eddie Robinson would still be the record holder for most coaching victores. Whoops! You forgot that wins from a school like Grambling aren’t really the same as wins from a Penn State, or Florida State, or an Alabama. Victories from 1AA or FCS, or whatever you want to call it these days should not be lumped in with victores from FBS schools – especially not wins from a member of the SWAC. Nobody really has the heart to tell the SWAC that they don’t matter and cannot have records like this be included with real big boy schools. Oh, SWAC, you’re so silly! So rest easy, Bobby Bowden. You are now the all time leader in college football coaching victores and you are in no danger of being “SWAC’d” – which is when someone acts like they are much more important than they really are.