Guntown, Mississippi - As the search continues for Adam Mayes, the man who is accused of abducting a woman and her three daughters, the FBI has issued a statement urging anyone who sees the man to fuck him where he stands. Normally, police will warn people not to attempt to fuck a suspect where they stand, but to alert police and they will do so themselves. They are making an exception for this piece of shit, however, as authorities found the bodies of the mom and one of the daughters behind Mayes’ home. It is thought that the two other daughters are still with him, though not definite. Citizens are urged to study Mayes’ picture, which appears to be a classic image of white trash, memorize the disgusting features of his face so if you do see him, you can immediately fuck this person where they stand. Judging by the looks of him, chances are good that he can be lured over by crystal meth.

Anaheim, California - Albert Pujols hit his first home run of the season last night, breaking his 110 at bat homerless streak. The streak was the longest of Pujols’ career and had fans questioning and even booing the first baseman. After the game, the first baseman, in his first year of a 240 million dollar contract, spoke with the media and finally opened up about what had been causing his recent troubles at the plate. “So many questions for the last month of when I would hit a home run,” he said to reporters, “questions why I’m not hitting or where is my power? It’s time now that I’m honest with you… I was suffering from a severe case of masturbation shame. And that is honestly what was happening, you know. I didn’t want to tell you guys about it, tried to deny it, but I just figured it was time to come clean.” It’s a case we’ve seen all too often in sports. Depending on the severity  of the masturbation shame, it can cause a player to have a bad game, a bad streak, or in some cases such as Ryan Leaf, a bad career. Pujols says his MS was probably a 6 on a scale to 10 and that it was all caused by getting a hold of some “funky pornography” back in late March. “A friend of mine told me to visit this website I had never seen before, so I did and…..it was pretty foul, guys.” Pujols paused, collected himself, and finished by somberly saying “Really messed me up.”

Brandon, Mississippi - Concerns that there may be a shortage of assholes in the United States have recently been quieted by the people of Mississippi. It is all due to American Idol contestant Skylar Laine, who is from the state. And simply because she is from the state, Mississippians act like she is just the best thing ever. It is much like an unrealistic sports fan who ignores all logic and believes that his favorite hometown team will win a championship because they happen to be in the same area. Much like that unrealistic sports fan, fans of Skylar Laine show their support by wearing t shirts that say “Skoutlow”, a moronic word that simply takes the first two letters from her name and puts them at the beginning of the word outlaw. By wearing shirts like this, they began proving that there is no shortage of assholes. Further proof was given when the state’s shitty newspaper, The Clarion Ledger, began writing articles about her praising how fantastic she is in order to pander to their readers. Confirmation was finally delivered that no shortage of assholes exists when that same shitty newspaper showed pictures of large gatherings of assholes wearing Skoutlaw t shirts and holding up homemade signs supporting Laine. The popularity of American Idol cannot be denied, nor can the fact that people are going to cast votes for their favorite future failed musician from the show. But vote for who you think is the best, not who is from your state, and certainly not 2,500 times as we recently read of one pathetic asshole from the area doing. Further research concluding that there is no shortage of assholes was done by seeing people having thier sad detailed conversations on Facebook debating her tone, pitch, and range, but then ending those conversations by simply posting “Go Skylar! Shoutout to Mississippi!”

Washington, D.C. - On the one year anniversary of the killing of Osama Bin Laden, new information is coming to light. We now know that Bin Laden wanted to kill President Barack Obama. This information comes as a shock to many given the extreme hatred Bin Laden possessed for the United States, for the elimination of Obama would have greatly helped the nation. Bin Laden apparently wanted Obama dead because vice president Joe Biden would be “unprepared” to take over as President. Whether or not Biden would have been prepared, the important thing to focus on here is that Obama would not be President anymore. Bin Laden apparently planned to assassinate Obama by hijacking Air Force One (easy, assholes! Not so sure those fucking box cutters are going to scare people again!) In a letter to one of his top lieutenants, Bin Laden wrote “Obama is the head of infidelity and killing him automatically will make Biden take over the presidency. Biden is totally unprepared for that post, which will lead the U.S. into a crisis.” Whatever, all we heard was Obama would not be President anymore. Unfortunately, he is, as he travels to Afghanistan tonight to continue to issue a speech and likely continue to use the killing of Osama Bin Laden on his campaign trail as if he actually did anything himself. So as details of this planned assassination emerge, confusion continues to grow as to why Bin Laden would help out a nation he so passionately hated. We don’t know. All we could think about was that Obama would not be President anymore.

Washington, D.C. - On this day exactly one year ago, our country became a much safer place when Osama Bin Laden was killed. But new developments out of Washington now have us asking exactly how safe are we? News arrived early this morning that Osama Bin Laden’s brother, Doug Bin Laden, is indeed still alive. Many have forgotten about Doug, as he was younger, kept to himself mostly, and wasn’t quite as big of an asshole as his sibling Osama. Despite all of this, we must make no mistake about it… DBL is still extremely dangerous. Sources say he was an integral part of the 9/11 attacks, as his bombing of a Pizza Hut in Boston on 9/10 set the groundwork for the horrific events that followed. Doug, always the black sheep of the Bin Laden family, however, had forgot to set his watch to Eastern time and blew up the building an hour late, as they had already closed and no “evil Americans” were actually in the establishment. However, this may have been a very calculated move by the younger DBL, as the U.S. government has learned that Doug may very well have known of the Navy Seal raid of the Bin Laden compound and formulated a plan to escape beforehand. U.S. intel states that moments before Navy Seals entered the compound, the Bin Ladens were hosting a pool party and Doug told Osama that he was going upstairs with one of the women that the family had forced to attend and that he was going to “park his dong.” Exactly four minutes later, the compound was raided. Doug Bin Laden is said to be the only person who escaped. Now what are the odds of that? Here we are one year later and DBL is still at large. We have not heard his name mentioned yet, and let’s hope we never do. He may still only be concerned with “parking his dong” and nothing more, but we must remain guarded either way.