New York City - Former Texas A&M quarterback Ryan Tannehill was taken 8th overall by the Miami Dolphins tonight, thus completing his journey from being an overrated shitty NFL prospect to now becoming an overrated shitty NFL quarterback. After posting an unimpressive 29 touchdowns and 15 interceptions last season and leading his Aggies to an unimpressive 7-6 record, Tannehill’s name somehow began being thrown around as a potential top 10 pick. Of course, it’s easy to see why he was so highly rated after finishing his senior season tied for 4th in the Big 12 for touchdown passes (out of 10 teams, playing against shitty defenses) and tied for the most interceptions by any quarterback in the conference. Shortly after the poor decision was made to draft Tannehill, the Dolphins have released a statement saying that they are “clearly not fans of having a good quarterback start for our team” and that “we are, and will continue to be, completely focused on wasting high draft picks.”
New York City - After months and months of having Andrew Luck shoved down our throats by people like the assholes at ESPN, the former Stanford quarterback was finally taken first overall by the Indianapolis Colts tonight. The unfortunate looking Luck becomes the first manbearpig ever to be taken in the NFL draft. It was just discovered at the combine earlier this year that Luck was indeed a manbearpig, as it was previously thought that he just had an incredibly unfortunate looking face. Being the first MBP could put even more pressure on Luck as he is already expected to be a hall of fame type quarterback according to jackasses like Mark Schlereth, Mel Kiper, Merril Hoge, and others at the increasingly lame ESPN, who make statements like “Luck is going to be a franchise quarterback in the NFL for the next 10-12 years” as if it’s not even an opinion, but fact. Really? That good for that long, huh? Guess what takes care of that……one shot to the knee. So maybe you should back off such statements. To Luck’s credit, he has seemingly not bought into all of this pathetically ridiculous and unending hype that ESPN has crammed down our throats since the kid was a sophomore in college. He seems to remain humble throughout, saying only that he is “thankful for the opportunity” and that “can’t wait to get that first NFL paycheck so I can do something about this unfortunate face of mine.”
Poplarville, Mississippi - Dylan Favre, the nephew of former NFL great, Brett Favre, was arrested early this morning after a traffic stop in Pearl River County in Mississippi. During that traffic stop, deputies found marijuana and paraphernalia-type items and charged Favre with posession of a controlled substance with intent to distribute. Favre had recently left Mississippi State University and transferred to nearby Pearl River Community College, a common move for someone who maybe isn’t as good as they thought they were. Dylan Favre’s arrest comes less than a year and a half after Brett Favre’s sister, Brandi, was arrested and was charged with possession of two or more ingredients to manufacture methamphetamine, and generating hazardous material. And of course, nobody will forget two years ago when Brett Favre himself was accused of sexual harassment from his time with the New York Jets. For Christ’s sake, the man even sent one woman a picture of his dong….his extremely flaccid dong! How does one family achieve all of this in such a short time? No one knows for sure, but it’s a pretty safe bet that it begins by voiding yourself of all aspirations. That’s where people go wrong….by having personal goals. You have to let those things go if you want to be like the Favres! Sure, you could be like these other so called “model families” of the past like the Cleavers and the Cunninghams. They were all about morals, values, and life lessons. The Favres say no thank you to that shit, as they are about other things…. like making drugs, selling drugs, and dick pics.
Indio, California - For the last two days, the internet has been dominated with talk of the appearance of a “hologram” Tupac Shakur at the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. During a set with Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, 50 Cent, and other assholes, a hologram of the late rapper appeared and performed on stage. The “hologram” which turned out to be a reflection technique from the 19th century, was so realistic, that many people in the crowd actually thought it was the real Tupac. It should be noted, however, that those people were incredibly high on weed and ecstasy at the time. Though it was certainly not the real Tupac, reports are that the “hologram” version was just as big a piece of shit as the real Shakur was. Festival organizers say he was very demanding and disrespectful backstage and more than one woman has accused hologram Tupac of forcing himself on her. Nothing has been proven as these kinds of accusations are common when it comes to rich and successful holographic versions of deceased rappers. Police are looking into the matter, however, as they agree that if hologram Tupac is anything like the living Tupac was, then he is a real piece of shit who would have no qualms about raping someone. These were not the only complaints about hologram Tupac either, as many backstage said that he shouted at festival employees, exposed himself to many women backstage, and even threatened to stab an assistant if he “didn’t get paid and laid immediately.”
Knoxville, Tennessee - A bill passed in Tennessee yesterday will allow the teaching of creationism in classrooms. The bill will now allow religion to be discussed in science classes…right where it belongs, right? The law encourages teachers to “present the scientific strengths and scientific weaknesses of existing scientific theories covered in the course being taught.” The only theories stated in the bill, however, are biological evolution, the chemical origins of life, global warming, and human cloning. The bill offers protections for teachers who help students critique “scientific weaknesses” of certain theories.The problem is that there is no important “scientific weakness” in the theory of evolution that could scientifically undermine it. Scientists agree that it is the animating principle of modern biology. Scientists also agree on the reality of climate change. Knoxville resident Billy Ray Jenkins, a strong supporter of the bill, says that “it’s about time we teach our kids what’s right and what ain’t right, and this evolution and climate change stuff ain’t nothing but a bunch of hooey fooey dark magic!” Another bill supporter that we spoke to, Jimmy John Buford, echoed those thoughts, stating “Ain’t no room anymore for this hully gully evolution business! There’s only one way of thinking that’s right and now we can get it taught!” In fact, every person we spoke to seemed to support the bill, as they all said the same thing, that “science ain’t real and it ought not to be spoke of.” Then, for some reason, they all shouted “Dale Earnhardt Jr., baby! Get em, Junior!” which was a bit off putting considering no one had said a single word about NASCAR.
Los Angeles, California - With tonight’s premiere of the new ABC show, ‘Don’t Trust The B— In Apt. 23, James Van Der Beek makes his triumphant return to prime time television, though he never left our hearts or minds. Van Der Beek, who rose to stardom in the late 90′s with ‘Dawson’s Creek’ has been involved in a couple of television series in recent years, they have been mostly garbage. His new show promises to me no different, however, as Don’t Trust The B— appears to be a show that will be canceled after six episodes as it’s only redeeming quality is likely VDB himself. Though it is unclear how such a clear mistake of a show landed such an American treasure, ABC executives are excited as it premieres tonight after Modern Family. They will then excitedly begin looking for a replacement show 15 minutes into the first episode
New Orleans, Louisiana - Earlier today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced his decision to uphold the penalties he originally placed on the New Orleans Saints coaches and organization for their roles in a bounty program. Head coach and lying piece of shit Sean Payton will still serve his full year long suspension, GM Mickey Loomis will serve 8 games, and assistant Joe Vitt six. The news comes as a surprise to many Saints fans who are completely delusional stupid assholes who believe that Payton doesn’t deserve the suspension after first encouraging the bounty program and then lying to the NFL about it. Saints officials spent last week trying to place all blame on former defensive coordinator Gregg Williams, a claim that many Saints fans will likely believe. Roger Goodell, on the other hand, does not. A decision on what type of penalties the players involved in the bounty program will face could come this week. As for the players’ reaction to today’s decision to uphold Paytons’ suspension, quarterback Drew Brees responded by simply saying that he was “extremely disappointed.” He then, for absolutely no reason at all, mentioned a hurricane that happened almost seven years ago
Seattle, Washington - Today we observe the anniversary of the day a world learned of a what one man had done for us. It was 18 years ago – April 8, 1994 – that the announcement came that Kurt Cobain was gone. The day would mark the third day since his death, as he had actually died on April 5th. Cobain had performed a miracle just 3 years earlier when he went from being evicted from his apartment to changing the face of music with the release of the album ‘Nevermind’ all in the same week. He would then marry Courtney “Judas” Love, who would betray him by playing a role in his death and subsequent cover up by having many believe it was a suicide. Unfortunately, the wrong person died that day, as Courtney Love has contributed absolutely nothing to society. Cobain, on the other hand, is still praised 18 years later. So it is on this day that we give thanks to a man who delivered us from evil music. And though horrible music still exists today in the form of acts like Justin Beiber, One Direction, Nicki Minaj, and others, Cobain’s message lives and is still taught daily. Let us remember him and the sacrifice he made for us all as we mark this, the anniversary of the day we learned of the death of Kurt Cobain. For it had been 3 days since his death, but on that third day, his album sales rose again.
New Orleans, Louisiana - The Kentucky Wildcats defeated the Kansas Jayhawks 67-59 last night to win the eighth national championship in the program’s history and the first for weasely head coach John Calipari. For all of Calipari’s success over the years, that first title simply seemed to elude the coach with over 500 career wins. Thanks to players like Anthony Davis and his disgusting unibrow, the title eludes Calipari no more. Of course, thanks to Calipari, this national championship will no doubt be stripped away from them eventually. Wildcat fans must be expecting this though, after Calipari has had final four runs vacated at both UMass and Memphis. If (and by “if” we mean WHEN) their championship is taken from them by the NCAA, Kentucky fans must be ready to decide which they find more disconcerting – Being stripped of a national championship OR Anthony Davis’ unibrow