Panama City, Florida - Spring break came and went last week for many schools around the country. For others, spring begins today. In fact, some schools may not even begin their spring break for another 2 weeks. No matter when your spring break is, chances are you are planning a road trip to Panama City. If this is the case, then there is one crucial rule you must follow: if you do not have weed or Van Halen, then stay the fuck out of Panama City! It’s as simple as that. Upon sharing spring break stories this week, we at Ridicularity were reminded of one of the worst spring breaks we have ever experienced. It was 2002 and we had loaded up the car and set out for Panama City. The trip was doomed from the beginning, however, because we failed to make a a mix CD that featured Van Halen. It’s common knowledge that if you are going to Panama City, you must feature at least one, but up to two very specific tracks from Van Halen:
1. “Panama” – This used to be a mandatory track for your Panama City spring break road trip mix. It was to be played as soon you crossed into the area. However, it has been done so many times, the practice has become stale and will, many times, feel forced when executed. Therefore, this track is optional.
However, there is one Van Halen track that is NOT optional, it is critical that this finds its way onto your mix
2. “Dance The Night Away” – This song must be played both as you are getting ready to go the club of your choice that night AND as you are on your way to that club. David Lee Roth’s voice will describe to you the scenario of you walking into the club, spotting a girl from across the room. You will then know how to approach her when remembering Diamond Dave’s words when you simply tell her “Take a chance, you’re old enough to dance the night away” After that, your life will more than likely become a video montage of the rest of the evening, featuring fast moving scenes of the two of you holding hands while walking, running, and frolicking on the beach. The song will continue to play as the two of you walk the strip back to your hotel, laughing and kissing all the way. The song will begin to trail off as you enter the room, and will end just as you are about to have sex (because David Lee Roth is only helping you so much! It’s not his job to get you laid!) Maybe the next morning, you two decide to keep this going and see what happens. Fast forward 10 years, perhaps you are married with a child. You never know unless have Van Halen ready!
Now, for an optimal spring break experience, you will need both Van Halen AND weed. This will all but guarantee the kinds of spring break stories you will be proud to repeat for the next 10-20 years. However, if you don’t have the Van Halen, then having just the weed will still make for a good time and could still lead to some great times if you are among the right people. You could still go out, meet someone, have a spring break bang,
However, if you do not have the required Van Halen song or songs on a CD AND you do not have any weed, then you might as well not even go to Panama City! Just stay home, get some pizza, maybe get a couple of movies from Redbox. What kind of chances do you have out there without weed or David Lee Roth leading the way? Not good ones, we can tell you that! If you are feeling brave, however, then take your chances! See how it works out for you when your mind is not in a fantastically altered state and the words of Diamond Dave aren’t providing a montage of your night. You know what happens then? You’re in bed by 11 PM in PANAMA FUCKING CITY, FLORIDA!!! Maybe the next night you try to make up for it a little bit by taking your friends to a highly recommended seafood buffet. You know what happens then? You and one of your friends get diarrhea and chaos ensues as you both fight for the one free bathroom in your shitty hotel room. The next day you leave Panama and the only memories you have are bad ones. You had no sex, no adventures, and cetainly no evening montage! Fast forward 10 years and you are alone at 29 years old! And you know why? It’s all because 10 years ago, you took neither weed nor Van Halen with you to Panama City for spring break.