Jackson, Mississippi - Everyone argues. Couples, friends, family members, even complete strangers will often find themselves in shouting matches for various reasons. People have found themselves shouting curse words, threats, or even just complete nonsense. The fact is everyone has different ways of dealing with arguments. For example, in places like Jackson, Mississippi, they prefer to deal with simple arguments by shooting each other. That is because residents of the city are god damn savage beasts. A recent study may help them, however, as it claims to have found the best way to end any argument whatsoever -by simply screaming the words “I’ll fuck you where you stand!” Researchers have found that when this threat was made, 94 percent of arguments were resolved, as the person hearing it felt such a powerful mixture of confusion, concern, and downright discomfort, that they backed out of their arguments. Experts say the phrase evolved from the old threat “I’ll drop you where you stand” into the much more sinister “I’ll fuck you where you stand” somewhat recently, but were unable to explain exactly why. Those same experts warned to be careful where you say it though, as one New York man recently yelled it to a man he got in a fight with at a gay pride parade. It would also be wise not to scream this at a police officer (unless it’s in Jackson, Mississippi – they are dirty cops anyway.)  So the next time you find yourself in a fight with anyone anywhere at any time, simply scream those six words. For added effect, scream it at the other person several times, as research shows that it is even more effective, ending 98 percent of all arguments. Oh, and the other 2 percent? That was the people who live in Jackson, Mississippi. They still choose to shoot each other instead, further proving that the city should be burned to the fucking ground and forgotten about.

Daytona, Florida - Rednecks and white trash everywhere demonstrated patience they had never shown before this weekend. The Daytona 500, originally schedule for Sunday, was delayed multiple times over the course of two days. First, there was rain, which postponed the race until noon Monday, then more rain, postponing it an additional 7 hours. A wreck involving Jimmie Johnson, Danica Patrick, and others, on only the second lap, delayed the event even further. No surprise, however, that Patrick was involved, as she continues to show she does not belong in NASCAR and is only in the position she is in because she happens to have a vagina. Later in the race, with just 40 laps to go, driver Juan Pablo Montoya lost his god damn mind and ran into a jet dryer truck that was carrying a fuel tank, causing a bigger fire than these rednecks have seen since they were burning crosses in front yards. When the race finally concluded at just before 1 AM local time, it was the longest in the history of the event. This year’s Daytona 500 not only served as entertainment and drama for so many, it also served as a demonstration of patience never before seen from fans of the “sport.” These rednecks are notorious for quitting things – jobs, brushing their teeth, having tolerance for anyone of a different ethnicity or sexual orientation – but NOT NASCAR, GOD DAMN IT! Oh, and by the way, Matt Kenseth won the race. The NASCAR season continues through November, which many critics of the “sport” say is far too long. Just look at it this way: For 9 more months, racing fans will be too busy to beat their wives on Sundays. So that’s good news!

Daytona, Florida - The NASCAR season is unfortunately upon us as the Daytona 500 is run today. One of the biggest storylines already is Danica Patrick as she begins her first season of miserable racing full time for NASCAR. Patrick split time last year between driving Indy and NASCAR, but after receiving so much undeserved attention simply because she happens to be attractive and have a vagina, she decided to race only for NASCAR this season. And why not? After finishing 35th, 31st, 36th, 30th, 24th, 19th, with 1 top 5 finish sprinkled in, she deserves to show off that kind of mediocre driving in NASCAR, much the same way she shows off her body in her GoDaddy commercials – which is, once again, the only reason she is racing in NASCAR this season. So as racing season is once again upon us and rednecks everywhere rejoice, Danica Patrick is set to begin her full time NASCAR journey – in the second tier Nationwide Series, a series where she has already crashed in her first race of the season. So congratulations to Danica Patrick! You wrecked in what basically amounts to the K Mart version of racing. Enjoy the attention you don’t deserve and the upcoming series of finishes of 30th place and lower!

Miami, Florida - Fans of both the Miami Heat and the New York Knicks have spent so much energy this week actually pretending that tonight’s matchup between the two teams matters, that they are now too tired to actually care about the game itself. Knicks fans find themselves worn out from repeating the latest batch of stupid fucking Jeremy Lin puns that ESPN has come up with and pretending that recent wins against terrible teams like the Nets, Wizards, Kings, and Raptors mean anything. A great deal of energy has also been expended on looking past this past week’s losses to the Nornets and Nets, teams with a combined 18 god damn wins. Knicks fans are not alone, however, as those in South Beach also find themselves in a similar situation. Not similar in the sense that they, like the Knicks, are fooling themselves into thinking they are actually a contender in the Eastern conference, but in the sense that they have also exhausted themselves mentally by pretending it matters that Jeremy Lin and the Knicks are coming to town. It is not their fault, however. ESPN has been telling them that it’s a big deal, and if ESPN reports it on one of their 9 consecutive Sportscenters per day, you know it’s got to be great! Tonight’s game is completely sold out, with some seats even going for a reported $9,400. Many Knicks fans who were going, however, find themselves opting to just go to bed early tonight instead, as making wildly untrue statements such as “It’s better for the NBA when New York is good,” or “The Knicks are going to make some noise in the playoffs,” and “Carmelo Anthony is not overrated” has taken it’s toll on them this week. They will, of course, be able to catch the highlights 28 times tomorrow on ESPN as it will most likely be all they talk about all day long, along with repeatedly showing player interviews, analysis, debates on the game, team comparisons, and comparisons of the players with players from other sports who have nothing to do with anything. On the other side, most Heat fans say the are still planning to attend tonight’s game, as they never miss a chance to see their team blow a team out in a game that people think is going to be entertaining.

Los Angeles, California - As Dakota Fanning celebrates her 18th birthday today, the percentage of men suffering from masturbation shame is expected to drop significantly. As Fanning is now consiered a legal adult, experts predict that as many as 4 million cases of MS could be cured. Many have considered masturbation shame as not only an affliction, but a curse. They have buried their heads in shame as they would pleasure themselves to pictures of the under age Fanning. However, with those illegal whacks out of the way, researchers suggest that those suffering from the disease could now see an improvement in many areas of their lives, such as mood, diet, and overall productivity. Experts though, are hesitant, as they know it’s only a matter of time before the next object of illegal lust pushes MS numbers back up. The reported number of MS cases shot up in 2006 as Vanessa Hudgens burst onto the scene. Not two years later, we saw numbers reach dangerous levels with the rise of then 16 year old Miley Cyrus. When the world then began to see what whore she is, those numbers rose to almost epidemic levels. Numbers dropped a bit, but remained at unacceptable levels as men then turned their lust towards Selena Gomez. Just as that began to pass, the movie ‘The Runaways’ was released in 2010, starring a real banging looking Dakota Fanning. The actress has been a mainstay in illegal and downright shameful whacks ever since. No longer, however, as today she turns 18. And though we celebrate along with her, we also must remain guarded, as the next outbreak of masturbation shame could be just around the corner. By “around the corner,” we mean the Disney Channel, who has a track record of pushing young girls into fame, success, and slutty behavior.

Chicago, Illinois - Anna Bosworth arrived at church yesterday morning just like every other Sunday, hopeful and ready to be inspired by the day’s message from the Bible. She instead left shamed and embarrassed. Earlier that morning, Anna had written a prayer request on a piece of paper and put it into the church’s prayer request box just like many other members of the church. Unlike many other members, however, Anna Bosworth is a complete disaster as a human being. With her husband out of town for the month, she had been somehow unable to bathe her 16 month old child by herself and had written on the request “let me learn how to bathe my child.”She assumed the preacher would see her request and pray for her privately. When services began, however, he began a very public prayer for every request in the box. Anna’s was the first prayer mentioned. As she heard the words “Lord, please let Anna Bosworth find the strength to learn to bathe her child of almost two years by herself,” all she could think was “oh, no, no, no, no, no!” The preacher continued, “For Lord, although she is apparently a moron for not knowing how to bathe her own kid after 16 months, she is your child, Lord, and we ask that you see her through this “difficult time.” It shoud be noted that at this moment, the preacher actually used air quotes with his fingers as he said “difficult time.” Anna remained frozen as the preacher continued the prayer, “Lord, I know you see none of your children as so called “stupid” or “useless,” but I mean, come on, God, look at this girl.” By this point, Anna, previously frozen from a combination of fear and shame, began to awkwardly walk out of the church as laughter erupted during the prayer (which had to be a first.) In what had all become a blur of shame and embarrassment, she could only make out the words “loose” and “disaster of a human being” coming from her preacher as she exited the church doors. Afterwards, Bosworth said she was “unlikely to go back to that church” and that she just could not understand why they would laugh like that, explaining “I’m just a mother trying to give my 16 month old son a bath while my husband is away. Most may think it’s simple but it’s not. I mean, I’m doing this pretty much on my own and the only help that I get right now is from my mom, dad, stepmom, mother in law, father in law, and friends.”

International sex symbol, Clint Howard

Jackson, Mississippi - This Valentines Day, Steve Bearmiller decided he has had enough. The 42 year old single man who lives in his sister’s basement has had enough of Valentines catering specifically to couples. That is why he decided to hold his own Valentines Day party alone in the basement. So while dressed only in an ill-fitting tanktop and a pair of sweatpants that seem to say “I’ve given up,” he did just that. Bearmiller quickly made a list of everything he thought he would need. Keep in mind that while making the list, Steve went by what he could remember having at his second grade Valentines party. After getting his sister to drive him to the grocery store because he doesn’t have a car, he then purchased chips, french onion dip, frosted cupcakes, chocolate candy hearts, a tray of 24 finger sandwiches, and a box of valentines day cards featuring various cartoon characters. Bearmiller attempted to purchase a beer as well but could not provide ID because he has never had a driver’s license. Before eating, he prepared the valentines cards with messages like “you rock!” and “best friend ever.” It was extremely off putting, however, when he exchanged the cards with himself, even more so when he wrote on one “don’t worry, 42 is the new 20! One day you’re gonna get out of this basement and show the world how special you are!” He then ate all 24 finger sandwiches, a full 8 ounce container of french onion dip, 3 cupcakes, and some chocolate heart candies. The above photograph is Bearmiller while eating the chocolate candies with remnants of dip stuck in his beard – a beard that he has been growing for 18 days. Also in the picture are the sight of tears rolling down his face, but we did not have the heart to question him about them. In fact, no one seemed to say a word about the explosive crying fits that he broke into every 10 minutes. Steve then pulled the bed out from the couch he lives on and settled in to watch all six series of Doctor Who, an extraordinarily time consuming feat for most, but nothing for Steve, who doesn’t have a job. So hopefully as this Valentines Day comes and goes, anyone who may be feel sadness or loneliness will think of Steve Bearmiller – a man who is perfectly content simply eating six pounds of food, exchanging valentines with himself, and watching hours upon hours of a sci-fi television show while only taking the occasional break to briefly masturbate.

Morgantown, West Virginia - A settlement has been reached between West Virginia and the Big East that will allow the Mountaineers to exit the conference this year just in time for them to join the Big 12 and begin losing to teams like Texas, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma State for the 2012 football season. Originally, the Big East had stated they would require a 27 month exit period before the Mountaineers would be able to leave the conference. Lawsuits and countersuits were then filed and things got heated. Cooler heads, however, have now prevailed and on June 30th of this year, the Mountaineers will be officially free to begin getting destroyed on the football field annually by the likes of the Longhorns, Sooners, and Cowboys. Delusional West Virgina fans are celebrating the news of the settlement, neglecting to stopping and realizing that if they lost to Syracuse and Louisville last year, how do the think they’re going to do against teams that are traditional top 10 powers. The Mountaineers first Big 12 schedule will feature matchups against all of the aforementioned teams, plus games against the improved Baylor and newcomers TCU, who, much like West Virginia, will be coming over from a complete joke of a conference. West Virginia fans are not the only ones happy about the move, however, as many Big 12 coaches are as well. Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops said of WVU that “it’s always good to have a shitty team in here that you know you will beat the shit out of every year.” Texas coach Mack Brown is also onboard, saying “It’s a great move, ya know, always a great move when the University of Texas can have what is basically going to be another tackling dummy.” Even Kansas State head coach BIll Snyder chimed in with the message “I’m Bill Snyder! Welcome in, pussies. This ain’t gonna be like playing U-fucking-Conn!” So it appears that these coaches are extremely confident about their matchups against the incoming Mountaineers. But will the joke be on them come game time? Well, obviously not! The only joke bigger than the idea that West Virginia will win the Big 12 is their old conference, the Big East.

Los Angeles, California - The 2012 Grammy Awards show is set to take place tonight at the Staples Center. Tonight will be the 54th installment of the Awards and will celebrate, more than ever, everything that is wrong with music today. It will be a night full of terrible performances, including Taylor Swift, Coldplay teaming up with Rihanna (which was clearly suggested as a joke that someone in charge of this show took seriously), and Chris Brown, who everyone has apparently blocked out the fact that he beat a woman (but it’s ok, he can dance.) Tonight, however, one of the biggest honors will be bestowed upon Nickelback. The rock band from Canada is set to become the first ever recipient of the Grammy for Lifetime Douchebags. The newly formed award is similar to the lifetime achievement awards many artists have received, except the achievement is in the art of douchebaggery. And for the last decade, the members of Nickelback have certainly dedicated themselves to that art! Formed in 1995, the band were not immediately douchebags and were actually decent through 2001 and the album, Silver Side Up. It was not until 2002 that lead singer, Chad Kroeger, teamed up with Josey Scott, the lead singer of the god awful band, Saliva, to sing “Hero” for the Spider Man movie. After that, Nickelback (especially Kroeger) were on their way to a string of hits containing terrible music and even worse lyrics. Lyrics such as the ones found in the 2005 song, “Photograph”, where Kroeger sings about looking back at a photograph and wondering aloud “what the hell is on Joey’s head?” This abortion of a song was then followed by atrocious singles like “Rockstar”, a song about the desire to be rich and famous, with one ridiculous line speaking of being able to eat their meals for free followed by, for some unexplained reason, a deep voice that says “I think I’ll have a quesadilla, haha.” Other songs that should have never been made include “Burn It To The Ground” and, perhaps most absurd of them all, “Something In Your Mouth.” Those, along wtih many other songs that any human being should be embarassed to ever even think about writing, are among the reasons that Nickelback will make history tonight as the first band or artist to ever receive the Lifetime Douchebag Grammy…a fantastic achievement for a band that has made us question humanity for nearly a decade!