Tampa, Florida - As today’s critical Florida primary has arrived, tensions are at an all time high between Mitt Romney and Newt Gengrich. However, it is the ramblings of an insane asshole in support of a third candidate that is making news today. Reverand O’Neal Dozier of the Worldwide Christian Center has been in Florida today strongly throwing his support, his nonsensical ramblings, and his Kid N’ Play style hairdo behind longshot candidate (and by long shot, we mean he has no fucking chance), Rick Santorum. Dozier spoke earlier today about critical campaign issues such as taxes, social security, and the fact that God hates gay people. Appearing as if he had taken part in some hardcore drug use before he appeared on national television, he described homosexuality as the “paramount of sins” and that it is “something so nasty and disgusting, that it makes God want to vomit.” In between hateful, homophobic statements, Dozier also took time to make sure that the public knew things like “God is 100 percent for capital punishment.” Of course he is! I mean, it is well documented that the only thing God loves more than hating gay people is sentencing someone to death! Dozier then took a break from condemning people based on their sexual orientation and if they have or have not committed a crime and focused on condemning an entire religion by saying that “The American people will not vote for a mormon to be President of the United States.” And speaking of the current President, Dozier then spoke on Obama, saying God would not operate like him because “God would never steal from the rich and give to the poor. God is not a Robin Hood.” Finally! Someone informs the American public something that we have been wondering for years – is God Robin Hood? Now we know! Dozier further urged the public to vote for Santorum, but more than likely, everyone had stopped listening as they were too confused by not only Dozier’s words, but the fact that any credible television station would provide a platform for such a clearly insane person to make such hateful, insulting, and downright dangerous statements in the first place.

Indianapolis, Indiana - Super Bowl week has arrived, which typically means every reporter in Indianapolis asking every question under the sun, searching for that perfect story or soundbite from any of the players in this Sunday’s big game. Well, that story arrived early this afternoon when New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin released the team’s latest injury report, a list that was headlined by the name Eli Manning. The report has Manning listed as questionable with a slight case of masturbation shame. There has been no comment yet on exactly what caused the situation, but it is likely to be the first question asked when the Giants hold their first press conference later today. Masturbation shame is common among athletes, especially those on a stage as large as the Super Bowl. For example, it was rumored just last year that Ben Roethlisberger’s losing performance in Super Bowl XLV was due to his own masturbation shame (of course, he did rape 2 people.) Other notable players who have suffered from this during Super Bowl week include former Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver Freddie Mitchell, former Oakland Raiders quarterback Rich Gannon, and former San Diego Chargers running back Natrone Means, just to name a few. These men were all members of losing Super Bowl teams. The only exception remains former Green Bay Packers tight end Mark Chmura who was said to be suffering from a severe case of masturbation shame during the week of Super Bowl XXXI, but was able to bounce back and help his Packers to defeat the Patriots. MS can be caused by any number of things and can range in seriousness. As this is a developing story, you can be sure Ridicularity.com will keep you up to date with the latest information.

Honolulu, Hawaii - Football fans have finally made it! After months of being forced to watch dreadful regular season games like the Saints vs Packers and the Steelers vs Ravens; after having to watch terribly boring playoff games like the Steelers/Broncos, Saints/49ers, and Patriots/Ravens, relief has come! It is the day of the 2012 pro bowl, a game that fans wait for all season long. That is because they know that the Pro Bowl is the most meaningful game for all participants. From the players to the coaches, everyone involved will give 100 percent and leave everything on the field. As much as fans appreciate that, what they love most about the NFL’s annual all star game is the fact that no matter what, they will be seeing every single one of the best and most deserving players in the league playing, with absolutely no one sitting this one out, as it is for all the marbles. They have always said that defense wins championships, and fans know that the Pro Bowl is always their best opportunity to see the best defense the NFL has to offer. So hopefully you have either arranged your Pro Bowl party or you have a seat reserved at a friend’s pro bowl party, because if history has shown us anything, it is that you do not want to miss a single minute of pro bowl action.

Flowood, Mississippi - The need for bitch rehab is long overdue and now, that need has been filled as the first ever rehab facility of it’s kind has been constructed in Mississippi. The facility will basically be the same as any rehabilitation center for drug or alcohol addiction, except it will focus on treating anyone who may be a complete and total bitch. The facility opens their doors next week and have already had their first patient sign up. Amanda Bridges of nearby Brandon will begin her treatment there next Tuesday. Though Bridges denies that she needs to be treated for such a condition, all of her husband’s friends agree. Her husband Craig recently completed a treatment of his own at a nearby facility for alcohol addiction after he began drinking more heavily than usual to deal with the misery in his life caused by being married to her. She, however, was completely oblivious to the fact that it was her fault he began drinking so heavily in the first place (or she may have just been too stupid, there is disagreement.) What ALL of Craig’s close friends are in agreement about, however, is the utter worthlessness she displays and how much better Craig’s life would be if she were no longer in it. Once again, however, she is oblivious to this fact that ALL of her husband’s close friends and spouses dislike her and fully believe she is the reason he drinks. Bitch rehab will strive to help her come to those realizations and many more such as her worthlessness of not working for almost two years while allowing her in-laws to pay for most of her bills, using the money her husband earns to go shopping for herself, yet not allow him to spend any. It will be designed to treat her unexplained actions of not allowing her husband to go anywhere, yet she goes out on “girls nights” almost every week with her whore friends. The professionals at the new clinic will also be trying to figure out why it is that she acts as if she cannot handle giving her 2 year old a bath, insisting that no matter where her husband is, he be home in time to help her. They will help her figure out why, if she’s so pathetically unable to take care of her child by herself, then why did she have it in the first place? (other than the fact that she was attempting to trap her husband.) Of course, the Mississippi Bitch Rehab center knows that each patient will be different and display different symptoms of being a bitch, as their trained professionals are equipped to handle any such person. Their staff is very professional. Rest assured they will keep everything 100 percent confidential….except for the initials of the patient we have written about here. Those are real. The bitch rehab facility will open next Monday and will accept anyone who realizes that they are a bitch, none of their spouse’s close friends actually like them, and that it is largely their fault that their spouse drinks and that the main problem in their life is you.

Starkville, Mississippi - Look at any team from any sport on any level in the country and one thing they will almost always have in common is sports drinks. Whether it be gatorade, powerade, or water, obviously athletes need to stay hydrated during games. Many football players even drink pickle juice during games if it is exceptionally hot outside, as they say it is the best way to avoid their muscles cramping. However, one athlete chooses to drink none of the above during his games. It has recently been discovered that Mississippi State basketball player and waste of life, Renardo Sidney, actually drinks GRAVY when he’s playing. The power forward who looks like a fat baby says he has been putting it in his water bottle for years now and that it “doesn’t do much for hydration, but it’s delicious.” Sidney’s guzzling of gravy was only recently revealed when television cameras at the Bulldogs game in Nashville vs Vanderbilt picked up what appeared to be a can hidden under a towel close to the Mississippi State bench. When cameras zoomed in, it was confirmed to be a jar of Heinz brown gravy. Your first thought is probably “Wait, wouldn’t drinking gravy make you fat and slow you down?” You would be correct on both counts, proven by Sidney’s fat worthless face and his sloth-like movement on the court. The big man came to Mississippi State regarded as one of the best recruits in the nation. He was forced to sit his first year in Starkville, however, when the NCAA ruled him ineligible for accepting thousands of dollars and gallons of nacho cheese sauce. Almost immediately upon reinstatement, Sidney (who bears a striking resemblance to that fat little kid from the movie Hook) was suspended again for his role in a fight with a teammate during a game. The teammate was off the team within two weeks, but Sidney was allowed to stay as head coach Rick Stansbury is apparently just willing enough to sell his soul for a few wins. Since then, Sidney has continued to be a disappointment both as a player and a human being. He has also remained stubborn as he does not have the decency to either quit the team or have a heart attack. Next up for Mississippi State is a road trip this weekend to face the Florida Gators in Gainesville, a place where Sidney always seems to be inspired most, because as he tells us “Man, they got a Captain D’s with a buffet there!”

Los Angeles, California - Actor Ryan Reynolds will deliver the first ever State of the Dangerously Handsome Union address tonight. The speech was originially scheduled to be given by the president of the Dangerously Handsome club, David Beckham, but he has prior engagements in England. Beckham did say via telephone, however, that he has “all the confidence in the world” in Reynolds, who is the vice president of the DHC. It will be the first annual speech given by the newly formed DH party and will mainly focus on informing the world of the burdens that accompany being so handsome that it is literally a danger to others. Reynolds is also likely to speak on the strict requirements of being dangerously handsome (ex. striking features, luxurious hair, etc.) It is expected to be a bit of a confrontational speech, as Reynolds will sternly warn the public that if you do not possess the kind of handsomeness that is so mezmorizing that it may, in fact, cause physical or mental anguish, then you do not belong to the dangerously handsome. That is merely a small amount, however, of what is expected to be discussed at the podium tonight. The speech, which will be delivered at 8:00 P.M. EST is penned by members of the dangerously handsome organization such as Beckham, Reynolds, 1987 Kip Winger, 1996 Shawn Michaels, and Rob Lowe.

Oakland, California - The Oakland Raiders have hired Dennis Allen as their new head coach, proving the organization’s ability to make terrible decisions did not die with Al Davis. Allen joins the team from the Denver Broncos where he served as defensive coordinator for the past season. Prior to that, he spent time as an assistant with the Saints and Falcons. He will be the Raiders seventh head coach in the past ten years, a span that included such failures as Bill Callahan, Art Shell, and Tom Cable. Allen’s hire comes two weeks after the firing of Hue Jackson, the only coach the Raiders have shown promise under since 2002. But the NFL is not about promise and bringing back an abortion of a franchise. It is about signing as many terrible coaches and players as possible, according to the Oakland Raiders. Today is undoubtedly one of the proudest days for Dennis Allen, as he becomes a head coach for the first time. He will always be able to look back at this day and smile, something that will help him in less than three years when he is fired as head coach of the Oakland Raiders

San Francisco, California - His team had just advanced to it’s second Super Bowl in five seasons, yet New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning was still upset Sunday night. After defeating the San Francisco 49ers 20-17 in overtime, he simply stood at midfield, mouth hanging open like it constantly does, with a melancholy look upon his face. When asked how someone who just threw for over 300 yards and two touchdowns in an NFC championship game could look so sad, Manning told reporters “Well, I still look like Eli Manning.” It is understandable given the unfortunate look of his face. It should also serve as a cautionary tale for younger players that even the highest highs you can experience in the NFL are sometimes not enough when you look like a mixture of a trout and a pig with down syndrome, as Manning does. “I feel for him,” said Giants receiver Victor Cruz “I mean, he constantly has a look on his face as if he has smelled dog shit. That has to take a toll on a man.” As reporters asked Manning about his upcoming matchup against Tom Brady and the New England Patriots in a Super Bowl rematch from four years ago, Eli said it should be a good game. He then added “It’s gonna be tough going against Brady. I mean, Jesus, you’ve seen his chiseled features! I can’t go through this again. I mean, I breathe out of my mouth for God’s sake!” Manning’s words came as no surprise to reporters, as they were quite accurate. What is a constant surprise, however, is that Eli Manning is able to form words, as every time he opens his mouth, you would expect to hear nothing but indistinct, high pitch squeals, much like his Deliverance style facial features would suggest you may hear.

Jackson, Mississippi - Brittany Brock is just your average 27 year old girl who never advanced mentally beyond the age of 20. She enjoys going to clubs with friends, having a good time, and posting about it on Facebook with status updates such as “me and my girls about to own this club” and “this club isn’t ready for me and my girls.” We caught up with Brittany and “her girls” last night as they left the local shitty club and asked her if it was indeed ready for her. “No,” she responded. “Me and my girls went in there and we just danced all night! We had some guys coming up to us hitting on us and we just told em no thanks and kept dancing!” When asked how that is any different than what happens to almost any group of girls at any club on any night of the week, Brock told us “well, we’re just crazy, ya know? I mean pretty much anywhere we go, the party doesn’t start until we walk in!” Disregarding the fact that she had just quoted a song from Kesha and that she is about the 500th girl to say that, we then humored her and asked what a “party” was like with her and her girls. What followed was a five minute rant of an ex-cheerleader who, in her mind, was still in a sorority. It was interrupted only when her friend, Ashley Miller, another local whore who is nowhere near as important as she thinks she is, walked up and the two began shreeking loudly. They then explained how so many girls in the club are jealous of them and want to be them. “Those girls got nothing on me and my girls! Isn’t that right, girl?” said Brock. “That’s right, girl! Girl, that place was dead before we walked in, but girl, we started that party, girl!” answered Miller, who then continued by sayng “Girl, there was this one girl in that club tonight who I saw and I told that girl, “Girl, you will never be like me and my girls, girl!” When asked what provoked the confrontation, Miller responded “Nothing, she was just standing by the bar, but that’s how me and my girls are! We know girls want to be us, so we let them know they can’t be right away.” Brock then exclaimed “Girl, you got that right, girl!” They both then simultaneously shouted the word “Girl” very loudly and drawn out. They both then pulled out their phones to update their Facebook status, because they apparently felt everyone needed to know that they had just walked out of the club, a statement that was followed by “and girl, we owned it, girl!”

Los Angeles, California - Though tonight’s episode of the hit ABC show ‘Modern Family’ has not even aired yet, it is already offending plenty of pussies who can’t mind their own business. McKay Hatch, an 18 year old who is the biggest pussy among them, is reportedly the most offended of all. Hatch founded the No Cussing Club in 2007. Though it sounds like a joke, we are not kidding. So what exactly is this lame ass club so offended over? Reportedly, in tonight’s episode of the hit comedy, the 2 year old daughter of characters Mitchell and Cameron, utters her first curse word, the word “fuck.” Of course, it is beeped out and her mouth blurred as she says the word (which, in real life, the child actually reportedly said the word “fudge.”) Hatch is asking that ABC not air the episode, because he “wants ABC to know that people all over the world don’t want to hear a 2 year old saying the F-bomb on TV.” Oh no! Not the “F-bomb!” Also, by “people all over the world,” he means the 35,000 members of his No Cussing Club throughout the United States and about three dozen other countries. Wow! 35,000 – an impressive number, considering there over 312 million IN THE UNITED STATES ALONE! The number is likely to grow after the coverage the story is now receiving, because there are always assholes who think they know what is best for other people they don’t even know. Modern Family will air as scheduled tonight on at 9 p.m. EST as ABC has no plans of pulling it (as the super sensitive 18 year old pussy who thinks he knows what everyone should see and hear as if people are not able to think for themselves and decide what they do or do not watch or listen to) desires. It could be worse, however. As opposed to this 18 year old pussy, we could have an entire group of assholes thinking they know what is best for us when it comes to television, music, or radio. Oh, wait, we do… That would be the pieces of shit known as the FCC.